Hi All,
I really need some help.
Two days after Christmas, my son's first, I found out that my husband had been having an affair with a colleague. One who also happens to be my friend and sickeningly attended my baby shower, among other things. The affair had started in May, so had been going on throughout all of my pregnancy and once my baby boy was born in September.
To cut a long story short, they slept together in May, August and December (twice), while the rest of the time it was emotional i.e. involved messaging, popping out for coffee and the such, although there were kisses here and there. My husband was convinced that he loved her and in fact, told her the morning after they slept together. He nonetheless never made her any promises and in fact, told her that whatever was between them had to stop because he loved his wife and had no intention of leaving her.
Needless to say, when I found out (my husband left so many clues lying around that it was hard not to) my husband dropped her like a hot cake. He said he was relieved of all things. Apparently he had been trying to extricate himself from the start, but she had no respected his boundaries and he was weak. I guess that explains the long gaps between booty calls...
My husband is racked with guilt and self loathing. He has also been diagnosed with severe depression, and frankly given the panic attacks, anxiety, crying, shaking etc and complete lack of self worth that he is exhibiting I am not surprised. His depression was already present in May, but got increasingly worse as the affair progressed. It was devastating to watch and no know why! My husband says that he was at rock bottom when she made her move. He thought I did not love him.
Also, when he describes the affair he says it was horrible. Yes, there were moments of feeling slightly better than usual, but then immediately after he would feel worse than usual. He said he would not wish it on his worst enemy.
I can see why it happened. - The depression, my long hours at work and unappreciation of him and his burgeoning friendship with her, despite my warnings. We each acknowledge our fault in not looking after our marriage and being negligent.
My question is, do I forgive him? I mean what he did was so horrible. I was pregnant/at home with a new born, he had months in which to end it, he never actually wanted to loose me... How weak can he be?! What was the point?! Can anyone who has gone through something similar share their experience i.e did you forgive and did your marriage survive and, dare I ask, get better? Any advice would be appreciated. I feel so alone and like a failure. All my friend's marriages seem so perfect.
When we actually forget the affair we have moments of happiness....