Making a life for yourself with an unwilling DP?

[woriedaboutfuture]

I am looking for a bit of advice and guidance.

I am 27. I have had two long term relationships - current one is still ongoing, but we don't live together due to different work locations.

From a young age I have wanted the house, family, job, etc. I have worked hard to forge a good career, and in terms of day to day living, I do ok - I can afford to eat and have a little money left over for a new skirt or shoes!!

However, I feel very lonely. All my friends, (literally all of them), are either engaged, married or living with a partner. Half of them have children. They all own their own homes with their OH.

I have started feeling a sick feeling of panic almost daily, mixed with lonliness and jealousy. Whilst I have a 'better' job than most of my friends, my lifestyle is infinately different - one income and I'm trapped in the rental market. Instead, my friends are forging a future with their OH and have money spare to go on lavish holidays and think about starting a family.

My DP understands my feelings, and knows that if we lived together, we would be infinantly better off (he also has a good job). He consistently tells me that in a year's time, he will happily re-consider our jobs and find somewhere we can both relocate to, together. But I am starting to wonder...if he really and truly loved me, wouldn't we already be thinking about this? My DP's answer to this is that he wants us both to make a good start on our careers without moving for the first 2 years. I understamd this to an extent, but on balance, I would much rather have what all my friends have.

Also, my friends OH's seem so much more 'settled.' My DP will happily discuss kids and buying a home, with a good 3 year radius on the plans. I don't understand this because he tells me he loves me and wants a future and the homely lifestyle I have always made clear I wanted...yet we never just crack on with it. Why can ALL my friends' DP's do this, and mine can't? Am I being unfair on him? Have I found the wrong man? I feel so cconfused.

I am also literally terrified of starting from scratch. I wouldn't know where to move to and 'settle,' if I were doing it on my own. I would worry that where ever I moved to, I wouldn't meet 'the one.' What are the chances of me moving to the right place when I have no ties to anywhere so just pick somewhere out of the blue? (The current place I live I want to move from in the long -term...ideally somewhere with DP ASAP, but if not with him then...I don't know where).

I guess what I am tying to say is that the 'ties' you have with a relationship make you feel grounded and loved and like you're on the right path. I feel that me and DP only talk about these ties and our future, and don't actually crack on and live it. I also feel worried about just starting my own life as a single person if it comes to that, when all my friends have their own little families already.

Sorry if this doesnt make much snese, feeling really low and down. xx

His intentions seem good. Wait the year and see if those intentions turn into actions?

I will be almost 29 then...if it turns to nothing, then what? Surely it's eben harder to have the life I am looking for if I leave it any longer? Feeling so much pressure from all my friends getting on with it all.

It makes sense. The two of you appear to be travelling at different speeds when it comes to commitment. You may want roughly the same things but you see it happening right now whereas he's probably thinking it's something he does in a few years' time. Neither of you are wrong or right. Neither of you is entitled to expect the other to fall in with their plans. Is he also late twenties?

If you don't feel secure in the relationship and don't think the level of commitment being shown is adequate then the choice is either to hold out and hope that your roads converge before it's too late ... or to cut your losses.

BTW... 'getting on with it' is not necessarily a good thing. Committing yourself to someone for life and all that entails should be a thoughtful process, taking all the pros and cons into consideration, and especially the idea that you want the same things. Too many people get caught up in the whole twenty-something wedding/flats/babies sausage machine and settling for the nice enough chap who happened to be nearest at the time because they want to do what all their friends are doing. 'Marry in haste, repent at leisure' etc

He is also late twenties - a bit older than me.

I understand what you are saying Cognito. I often wonder how I would feel if I had lots of friends in my situation - would I feel more content? Maybe.

Deep down I am happy with my DP's plan. I am just terrified of it not actually happening and then in a year's time, I will be almost 30 and have carved no real stable life for myself. That is a horrible thought :(

There are no guarantees of anything. If you pin all your hopes on one man and one fixed life trajectory you risk being disappointed. Build some flexibility into your life therefore and avoid holding onto something that is 'almost' just because you think you won't find something better. Also, don't be frightened of saying what you want out loud. As I said earlier, he's not obliged to go along with it but that doesn't mean you can't articulate it.

I know it seems like all your friends are in nice cosy happy relationships/marriages etc but give it 5-10 years and the divorces will be happening and they will be trying to start all over again with splitting property, buying new property, trying to meet new partners with kids in tow etc. You are at the age where your peer group are at the same life stage as each other but this will become mixed up and staggered and not so clear. Trust me! You really are young enough to start again if things don't work out with your DP. I am 41 and have a one year old baby with a man I met at 38. There is no rush to settle.
Decide if he is right for you and if you want the same thing. I married at 28 and really wished I hadn't now, I was too young and he turned out to be a twunt.

Thanks for your responses.

youaremyrain that has made me feel better and given me some perspective. At the moment, all 7 of my 'close' friends are seemingly SO in love with the perfect home and man and some with the perfect kids. Sometimes I feel like I've made a mistake somewhere along the line by not having ended up like they have, when it was something I always wanted.

I spent extra years at university and put a lot of pressur eon myself in terms of my career, and looking back, in my early twenties when people were 'seriously' thinking about their family life future, I was just thinking about a job. Now I have that job and they don't, it seems they are way better off (financially, emotionally and security-wise).

Ultimately, it feels like I am behind and I am worried I will never catch up now!

OP, I do believe you are describing a classic quarter life crisis.

I wanted to say this: do not be in such a hurry! By rushing things I think you are putting undue pressure on yourself and your relationship by pushing for security in this way. You are 27 right now. You have loads and loads of time on your hands. Even if you get to 29 and things still haven't improved, and you do make a call to move on, then you STILL have bags of time to meet someone new and get a mortgage and a family! But this is very much worst case scenario - your DP sounds like he is genuine and his advice about careers is actually quite sensible.

I am 37, so about a decade on from you. In the last five years, I have seen several of the couples who seemed so settled when they were 25 or 26 fall apart. Divorces galore, affairs, unhappiness. My point in saying this is that things change. For all of us.

Also, I don't think there is any surer way to make yourself unhappy than to compare yourself to others. We are all different - there is no timescale that you need to meet, there are no deadlines for marriage. What is right for one person doesn't suit another. Plus, you never know what is really happening behind closed doors in a relationship. There is plenty of misery hidden away in private. Live your own life, to your own rules.

As for friends - try to join new societies and meet new people. Make the most of the fact that you are young and free!

Thanks shovetheholly

I know it's a dangerous game to compare, and it only leads to unhappiness. I try not to do it and most of the time I don't, but recently with another upcoming wedding, it brings it all home about what I can't and don't have right now.

I think from my perspective, I feel like if my DP SAYS he wants to marry me and have a family and buy a home, why wait? He thinks it 'makes more sense' to wait a little longer logistically...I don't. I think if we really WANTED it to work, it could. Also, I worry that his lack of desire to want to deal with difficult logistics is merely a secretive sign that he's unsure of us. I hjave asked him outright about this and he is adamant that he is not unsure. He just wants us to be settled with our careers before we uproot to a new phase of our life.

Am I just being insecure because my friends are already there? I just feel like my head is all over the place!

Thanks agaian everyone.

Yes, you're being insecure. But it's because you've got tunnel vision and you think that this is the 'missing' thing that's going to make you happy. It may or it may not. Nothing is guaranteed.

If you feel unsure perhaps you could get logical about it. Sit down with him and plan some concrete things out. Then you'll know why the wait, see where everything is going, and as a compromise you should add something you can do now (such as improving your own health in preparation for TTC, completing something which will be much harder after DC, starting a savings account for wedding planning, making set plans for career to work towards.)

I think you are right to be a little cautious - men can afford to be complacent and not worry so much about the timing, but for women the timing is crucial. At 29 you have six years before your fertility starts to decline. If you want to be married first and have more than one child, it starts to add up, so work backwards. You do have a decent amount of time, but it would give you the best chance if you have an idea when you're actually going to do things rather than pottering along. Just ask him to get it down on paper and be realistic and give you something that you can actually tangibly believe rather than a vague "later".

I think you need to start seeing a wider variety of people, who demonstrate the possibility of different kinds of happiness. I say this a lot on this kind of thread (often about 'settling down', whether or not to have children etc), but they so often seem to come down to people having very homogeneous friendship groups and feeling anomalous as a result because they don't see their own lives reflected in those of their peers.

For instance, I spent my entire twenties studying and travelling with my partner, my thirties concentrating on establishing myself in my professional field (him likewise), and we had our son when I was 39. Out of all my highly international friendship groups, only two women had children in their twenties - and in one case it was unplanned and in unideal circumstances. Now in our early 40s, we have friends who are single/cohabiting/married, parents and childless, gay/straight etc. You are very clear on the life you want, which is good, but maybe you'd feel less panic-stricken about it all if you made some friends who did things differently. Being married and having children by 27 isn't some cast-iron guarantee that you're doing things the 'right way', as you seem to think.

Are you happy in this relationship, right now? Is your partner a good, supportive person who loves you, and whom you love? Are you prepared to give it a year before reintroducing the subject of marriage and children? As other posters have said, neither of you is wrong for wanting what you want.

Try not to compare your life to others as everyone has different challenges along the road. I'm sure you realise this.
Having said that, the things that you want marriage, family etc are really important to you and your DP needs to be honest with you. If this is not what he wants he is not being fair by keeping you waiting. What does your gut instinct tell you? There is never a perfect time. I would want to know why now is not right for him. wants

How long have you been with your DP? How often do you see each other?

I think you need to worry less about him, and focus on what you want from your own life day to day. Push ahead with your career if you can, pursue hobbies and interests of your own.

OP I work with a lot of young women who are slightly older than you and over the past few years there has been a crazy rush to buy a house, get married and have a baby. Three of the marriages broke down within a year and either the girls or their mums told me that the girls felt pressurised into getting married. One broke down after a month.

Believe me getting married, having babies and a house may look amazing on the outside but on the inside they are struggling as much as anyone.

Do you love your partner or do you see him as a means to getting a house and a family? If you don't love him move on and find someone that you do love.

I am in my late 40's and am divorced. My marriage lasted a couple of years and was awful. I married the wrong person. Marriage is much tougher than anyone leads you to believe and having babies is one of the most stressful things a woman can do. Having a baby is also like lobbing a grenade into a marriage that is not strong. An awful lot of marriages break down after the birth of the first baby.

Stop fixating on what you don't have and start to look at what you do have. You are making yourself very unhappy.

Cogito speaks truth!

I think this is about insecurity, and I am not at all sure that your markers for 'security' (having a house, being married) are the signs of true happiness or peace of mind. I know plenty of perfectly miserable couples who have both of those things. I think you should consider whether marriage and a house together will really feel that different. Because it's unlikely to have the transformative effect that you seem to think it will have.

Your DP is giving you a very clear and sensible reason for waiting. It sounds to me like he's being straight with you.

I also think that you really, really need to break the habit of comparing yourself to others like this. That way madness and misery lies! There will always be someone who appears to have more. It's not what others are doing that you should be concerned with, it's what is right for you. Like I said before, just because it's right for one person to get married at 18 or 28 or 38 or 48 does not mean it's right for someone else. Learning who you are, and what you really want outside of the fog created by the actions of others and the idea that we are somehow in competition with them is a vital part of being happy.

bertiebotts thanks. I had a huge conversation with DP the other day, and he said that he would open a joint savings account - this mad eme feel like something was becomming more concerete, if only a little thing.

tisiphone I just feel like I will never truly KNOW if it will happen until it does. I'm impatient anyway in life and I am a naturally intensive person who likes things to get done. I know that you cant apply that logic to having a family, though!!

I think when my DP says he wants all this but puts a time frame on it, it just makes me feel like he cant want it THAT much. And then my mind wanders even more and I start to think maybe he wont EVER want it.

He will always say otherwise. I guess I have to wait it out and in the meantime forge my own life as a sort of back up...

Agree that it's a quarter life crisis! Same thing happened to me and 27 was the worst year of my life! Am 29 now and still no nearer to buying a house or any of that stuff, don't think I ever will but I'm okay with that now. Just trying to take every day as it comes.

I read on here that comparison is the thief of joy and it's so true! Now everytime I start comparing my life to others I have to stop myself in my tracks.

You don't have to wait it out if you don't want to. If you'll pardon the observation you seem like a person who is used to things happening the way they want them to happen. You had a plan about your studies and your career and you went ahead and did it. I expect you are well-organised and work to a system of deadlines and wall-charts..... (just guessing, ignore me if I'm way off) I don't think you've failed at anything much in your life.

Point being that relationships always involve some level of compromise because it's two people not one. If you don't like compromise or waiting on the say-so of others then you really don't have to go that route. You could ditch DP today, put yourself on a dating site tomorrow, make it clear that you're on a schedule and add 'time wasters need not apply'. You could do that if the marriage/home/baby thing was driving this.

I don't think it is, however.

Some really good advice . Bertie and Tisiphone have said different but wise things. I split up with my partner at 26 as his caution towards settling down made me realise I was not having a lot of fun! Met DH at 30 and had DS at 33.
Are you happy with your DP?happy enough to wait and see what happens?

Thanks everyone.

I agree that I cant compare...in many ways I am 'luckier' than some of my friends - I know a coupel who feel trapped now in terms of their career, as they have kids and cant get into work and get a career rolling. So I know I'm doing ok and need to appreciate what I have.

Been with DP for 3 years.

Reasons DP won't 'settle' now - buy a house or move:

• he wants us to save more of a deposit (where we are planning on moving to, prioces are high, so I do get this).
• he wants me in particular to stick at my job for a year longer, at which point I will be more employable in muy field (this is true, it will make a huge difference for sure)

My opinion is that if we REALLY loved one another and he REALLY wanted all this as much as me, we'd sod the big house and get a smaller one (which we could do right now), and I would work my way up slower and change jobs sooner. It would defo set me back but only by a year or so. It makes me feel like he's very luke warm about it all, and is using my job and the house deposit as a reason to put things on hold.

If I ask him, he will say he loves me and is being sensible. He will say everything I want to hear. I'm just scare dit will never happen as I want it all so much.

Cognito I guess you are right that when there is a plan, I like to action it ASAP. I don't like faffing around, seeing what happens...

I am MORE than willing to compromise with my DP on plenty of things...where we live, which town, which house, etc. But I guess the 'bigger' things like WHEN we do them, I am not so good at compromise on :(

*miniligofigure what made you think your DP at 26 wasn't going to settle? were you right?

"If he REALLY loved me....."

Is your real problem. You don't think he loves you. To me he sounds like a pretty sensible sort of person. Risk-averse, I'll grant you, but the kind of bloke that any DM would look at with relief and say 'he's a keeper'.

I wonder if what you're interpreting as a lack of enthusiasm about settling down is reflected in other aspects of your relationship? You don't feel loved and that's either because you are very insecure and don't believe you are worthy of love, or it's because he's not adequately enthusiastic about you in general.