Making a life for yourself with an unwilling DP?

[woriedaboutfuture]

I am looking for a bit of advice and guidance.

I am 27. I have had two long term relationships - current one is still ongoing, but we don't live together due to different work locations.

From a young age I have wanted the house, family, job, etc. I have worked hard to forge a good career, and in terms of day to day living, I do ok - I can afford to eat and have a little money left over for a new skirt or shoes!!

However, I feel very lonely. All my friends, (literally all of them), are either engaged, married or living with a partner. Half of them have children. They all own their own homes with their OH.

I have started feeling a sick feeling of panic almost daily, mixed with lonliness and jealousy. Whilst I have a 'better' job than most of my friends, my lifestyle is infinately different - one income and I'm trapped in the rental market. Instead, my friends are forging a future with their OH and have money spare to go on lavish holidays and think about starting a family.

My DP understands my feelings, and knows that if we lived together, we would be infinantly better off (he also has a good job). He consistently tells me that in a year's time, he will happily re-consider our jobs and find somewhere we can both relocate to, together. But I am starting to wonder...if he really and truly loved me, wouldn't we already be thinking about this? My DP's answer to this is that he wants us both to make a good start on our careers without moving for the first 2 years. I understamd this to an extent, but on balance, I would much rather have what all my friends have.

Also, my friends OH's seem so much more 'settled.' My DP will happily discuss kids and buying a home, with a good 3 year radius on the plans. I don't understand this because he tells me he loves me and wants a future and the homely lifestyle I have always made clear I wanted...yet we never just crack on with it. Why can ALL my friends' DP's do this, and mine can't? Am I being unfair on him? Have I found the wrong man? I feel so cconfused.

I am also literally terrified of starting from scratch. I wouldn't know where to move to and 'settle,' if I were doing it on my own. I would worry that where ever I moved to, I wouldn't meet 'the one.' What are the chances of me moving to the right place when I have no ties to anywhere so just pick somewhere out of the blue? (The current place I live I want to move from in the long -term...ideally somewhere with DP ASAP, but if not with him then...I don't know where).

I guess what I am tying to say is that the 'ties' you have with a relationship make you feel grounded and loved and like you're on the right path. I feel that me and DP only talk about these ties and our future, and don't actually crack on and live it. I also feel worried about just starting my own life as a single person if it comes to that, when all my friends have their own little families already.

Sorry if this doesnt make much snese, feeling really low and down. xx

I put pressure on myself and H to 'settle down' in my mid-late 20's. I was a single mum at 23 so when my H came along I really wanted the house, marriage, 2 cars, good jobs etc. I banged on & on about not failing.

I'm now 36, have 3dc's and a single mum again after getting out of my abusive marriage. Why did I push for something so wrong? Because I was trying to 'fix' my life. It doesn't work OP, you just have to roll with it and make slow boil decisions or you will face middle age burnt & a bit jaded. Enjoy your time, your freedom and career because if you rush into getting this life it might come back & bite you on the arse.

If you mentally pretend you're single you start making lots of really positive changes. He will see that. Either it shakes him out of complacency, or he isn't bothered. Either way you know where you stand and if no future with him you've got a head start on the next part of your life. Give it 6 months to a year though - us men are slow on the uptake.

Also start as you mean to go on - if he is going to be your OH, do you want the dynamics to be always him setting the agenda.

I would be very wary of advising you to do anything which would spoil your career chances. To that extent, your boyfriend is right to say you should stick with your job.

However, I also think that he feels absolutely sure of you and you don't feel absolutely sure of him. He holds all the cards, doesn't he? He's making the decision about when to get married, live together, get engaged, etc etc. There isn't any logic there with regard to getting engaged - it would give you a sense of security, it would mean he finally had to put his money where his mouth was, it would show his mother that he was serious about you and you would both have a common goal. The fact he isn't willing to do this and actually laughs when you suggest it makes me think that you should back off from this relationship.

If you are going to live as a single person, then do so. Go out with friends and yes, make new friends who are not talking about marriage and babies all the time. My daughter's nearly 26 and I don't think those things have ever crossed her mind - she likes to travel and go to yoga and hang out with her friends even though she also has a boyfriend. Don't always be available at the weekends. He has no automatic right to see you then.

Personally I think you'd know it if he wanted to marry you - he'd be doing everything he could now to persuade you that you have a future with him. That would involve him commuting, you two getting engaged etc. Btw 1.5 hours commute isn't long!

You need to be brave now and independent, too.

So why wouldn't he do a long engagement? And why can't you commute?

I was your boyfriend! DH and I have been together since we were 19 & 21. It took 11 years to get married and then another 5 to have kids. Because I dragged my heels. Not because I didn't love him but I did want the career stability and the savings and some travel and other stuff first. He would have got wed after we graduated, I think. Whether we would have stayed wed if I hadn't have been able to work through all of the other stuff first, who knows?

Looking back now, half of me wonders why I strung it out so long, half of me remembers that it felt important at the time. I just had a different time frame to DH - bless him - he just did his own thing and I did mine - until we'd been engaged for 2 years when he finally asked what the whole point of it was - and at that point, I realised he was right. We married within the year.

So, I get where your boyfriend is coming from. And if different time frames is all it is, there should be no long-term issue. However, the commitment/relationship thing including his Mum's view and his (dis)honesty with her could be trickier. Only time will tell on that one.

I agree with pp's about not over-investing at this stage, let the year go by and work on the agreed goals - savings, career advancement etc... Keep talking and see how things develop. But if a year from now, those agreed milestones have been reached and the relationship has not developed, then you may wish to think again. You do have time on your side still.....