Making a life for yourself with an unwilling DP?

[woriedaboutfuture]

I am looking for a bit of advice and guidance.

I am 27. I have had two long term relationships - current one is still ongoing, but we don't live together due to different work locations.

From a young age I have wanted the house, family, job, etc. I have worked hard to forge a good career, and in terms of day to day living, I do ok - I can afford to eat and have a little money left over for a new skirt or shoes!!

However, I feel very lonely. All my friends, (literally all of them), are either engaged, married or living with a partner. Half of them have children. They all own their own homes with their OH.

I have started feeling a sick feeling of panic almost daily, mixed with lonliness and jealousy. Whilst I have a 'better' job than most of my friends, my lifestyle is infinately different - one income and I'm trapped in the rental market. Instead, my friends are forging a future with their OH and have money spare to go on lavish holidays and think about starting a family.

My DP understands my feelings, and knows that if we lived together, we would be infinantly better off (he also has a good job). He consistently tells me that in a year's time, he will happily re-consider our jobs and find somewhere we can both relocate to, together. But I am starting to wonder...if he really and truly loved me, wouldn't we already be thinking about this? My DP's answer to this is that he wants us both to make a good start on our careers without moving for the first 2 years. I understamd this to an extent, but on balance, I would much rather have what all my friends have.

Also, my friends OH's seem so much more 'settled.' My DP will happily discuss kids and buying a home, with a good 3 year radius on the plans. I don't understand this because he tells me he loves me and wants a future and the homely lifestyle I have always made clear I wanted...yet we never just crack on with it. Why can ALL my friends' DP's do this, and mine can't? Am I being unfair on him? Have I found the wrong man? I feel so cconfused.

I am also literally terrified of starting from scratch. I wouldn't know where to move to and 'settle,' if I were doing it on my own. I would worry that where ever I moved to, I wouldn't meet 'the one.' What are the chances of me moving to the right place when I have no ties to anywhere so just pick somewhere out of the blue? (The current place I live I want to move from in the long -term...ideally somewhere with DP ASAP, but if not with him then...I don't know where).

I guess what I am tying to say is that the 'ties' you have with a relationship make you feel grounded and loved and like you're on the right path. I feel that me and DP only talk about these ties and our future, and don't actually crack on and live it. I also feel worried about just starting my own life as a single person if it comes to that, when all my friends have their own little families already.

Sorry if this doesnt make much snese, feeling really low and down. xx

minilegofigure !

Working on your career is carving a real stable life for yourself. Arguably a better investment at this stage of your life than pinning all your hopes on your relationship providing that for you. You imagine that the 'perfect' relationships you see around you are all truly happy? Of course some of them are. But some of them definitely aren't. The most idyllic couple in my circle of friends at 30 were the envy of everyone, glamorous and gorgeous and also truly, genuinely nice people. She got pregnant by another man. They are both still gorgeous, glamorous and genuinely nice people - possibly a few ropey choices along the way - and both are now happy with new partners. But no-one could have foreseen what was coming and god knows no-one would want it for themselves!

Life isn't a fairy tale. There is no perfect relationship. Which is not to say you aren't entitled to want what you want, of course you are. Your DP doesn't get to set the pace purely because he wants to go slower than you do.

I would have a completely frank discussion with him about how you're feeling. Focus less on what others have and more on what you want. If you want to settle and have children, and if you want it for itself, and not because you believe it will lead to a stable, happy-after-ever, then good. That's your position. You want that with him and you want to feel that you are moving towards that goal. Moving, not just waiting. His position is that you can move towards that goal by consolidating in other areas, notably career, now. That's also reasonable. So what's the compromise?

In your position I think I would be suggesting that continuing not to live together is a risk to the long term plan. You are still at a fairly casual level in the relationship if you haven't crossed this milestone yet. So can you agree a deadline for that happening? What needs to happen to make it possible, presumably one of you needs to get another job? How difficult would that be to achieve?

It sounds to me like he's looking out for you OP.

I recommend that you take his advice and wait another year, then see where you are. It's really not very long if it makes a big difference to your career, is it? After that you can have another conversation about your priorities, once you're over what sounds like a massive career hurdle that could make a real difference to your future. Apart from anything else, you will be more secure and have more earning power this way, which ensures that your future is rosier whatever happens in this relationship.

I agree with you that it's pointless putting a relationship on hold so that you can buy a bigger house, but it doesn't sound like this issue exists in isolation. You can cross that bridge in a year when you've got on a bit further in your job.

A YEAR IS NOT LONG!

cognito a friend IRL has made this comment before, and said if I thought DP really loved me I wouldnt be panicking.

I am not sure if he is not enthusiastic. He is more chilled out than me and he has a mother who is very adverse to relationships...something that she makes clear about any plan he may have with me. I think this has added to my insecurity, despit ehim telling me that he doesnt take on board what she says.

When I wake up in the morning and feel like I've done well at work and had a good chat with a friend, these feelings of insecurity do disappear a little, which leads me to think that perhaps it is me thinking i am not worthy of love so looking for problems? I have a lot of axniety, although I hide it reasonably well. How does one stop being insecure?

THANK YOU EVERYONE

Cross-posted with you. So another year in your current job would reap significant benefits, and switching jobs now could have longer-term consequences? I vote with him, sticking it out is more sensible. But it's not up to me, and it's not up to him either. You need to weigh the risks and decide what you want to do.

I agree with Cog, you think his cautious approach means he doesn't really love you. But that doesn't follow at all. His caution may indicate that he isn't sure about you, but it may equally mean he wants to make sure your life together is on the best possible footing before you move into the next phase.

OP, I wonder if it would help you to explore with a counsellor why having a home means so very much to you. It sounds like it is overburdened with an emotional significance beyond what it actually is (a pile of bricks stuck together with cement that occasionally develops annoying and expensive problems). I wonder if there are things in your past that might explain why you are so fixated on this way of life? (Not saying there's something 'wrong' with you, just wondering whether there are some issues there).

Also, have you tried mindfulness? It can be a good way of putting circling and anxious thoughts to one side, giving you a bit of a breather from them.

It would all be very romantic to throw caution to the wind, get a small house, worry about the career later etc etc.

But then in 6/7 years time when you are struggling in a house that isn't big enough, and don't have the money to move because you are stuck in a low level of your career while juggling childcare for small children, you will feel differently.

Opening a joint savings account isn't a small thing, it is a sign of real commitment to your relationship and your future.

shovetheholly I have often wondered in the last few years if I have something wrong that needs to be 'sorted' in my mind.

I had a pretty perfect upbringing, I had absolutely everything I wanted and never felt like my parents didn't love me.

The only thing that sticks out is that I was a VERY timid child and was extremely anxious. My mum had nothing growing up, and as a result wanted the best for me all the time. I remember feeling incredibly woried about tests at school when I was 5 years old, to the point where I was often physically sick as a child.

I don;t like ot ever mention any of this as my parents have done everything for me and sacrificed a lot for me...I had a car when I was 17 and holidays paid for and LOADS of support..dinner on the table evry night etc. I feel like there can't possibly be a reason in my childhood for my insecurity as an adult, after all that. Could there be?

Is there anything that will make you feel better about not moving forward just yet? What about seeing this as 'the year before we become grown ups with a mortgage', and treating it as a last fling? Have a year of weekends away, spending the day in bed, go out for meals, holidays- do all of the stuff that you can't do as much of while you have a big mortgage over your head and kids to think of.

So if you've done the living together thing (although was that as students?) why not suggest getting engaged?

tribpot we lived together after uni - I met him after uni.

We talked about getting engaged nad he lauhs it off and says 'just wait, maybe this year maybe next year...or the year after.'

If I question the timing of it, he will just say he wants to do it in his own tiime..

OP, I don't think anxiety necessarily means there is something 'wrong' with your past! For some people, there will be something difficult or traumatic that has happened to cause a distinct set of issues. For others, it may be about understanding how we have developed a habit of anxious thinking, which is no-one's 'fault' (it can even result from a happy home in which nothing ever goes wrong - fear of change can develop because everything is so nice).

It sounds as though this goes quite deep for you, since the behaviours you describe started so young. I definitely think something like cognitive behavioural therapy, which places an emphasis on becoming aware of patterns of thinking and gently correcting them, rather than on going through your past, might really help you. Living with anxiety is truly horrible, but the good news is that many people have successfully battled it!

Sorry worried . In answer to your question. Many things... And I did give him lots of chances and only left when I was in no doubt that it was going nowhere. His uncertainty, after making me feel a bit rubbish actually built up my self esteem eventually because I thought I was worth more than this. He had a nightmare mum though so that's a bit of a red flagin my book.
It is a different situation so don't compare. Your DP sounds different. I'm am an anxious type too so I probably had my own issues too. Feel for you. It sounds like work wise it's worth waiting another year. You will know when enough is enough and it won't be too late. Enjoy your freedom. It's a precious time and when you have children you won't want to look back and think I worried it all away. (As I do a bit) anxiety saps joy as well as comparisons xxx

you

Although telling me not worry is like telling a fish not to swim! But maybe get some CBT for anxiety?

minilegofigure my DP has a massivley unstable mother who is hugely, hugely against all relationships, including/especially mine with DP. It got ot the point once where he told his mum he was going to buy a house alone because he 'didnt dare' tell her he was saving for one with me...

it's this kind of thing that puts a huge downer on my enthusiasm and trust in him :/ plus, if he's anything like his mum, he will never commit - she drops even friendships like flies.

I have always had a bit of mantra for these times of crises of confidence. Is there someone I would rather be - with all the good and bad that their life holds. I have always been able to say no. I was with a lovely chap for 7 years through Uni and after but then I chose a very different path to my mates who married young. And it turned out I wanted the path I had chosen more than I wanted the lovely chap, so started again single at 27.

I have 2 lovely kids who I had in my mid 30's, (still didn't stop me getting divorced mind). It took until my mid 40's to find my (2nd) Mr Right.

Ok I don't think you are going to get the answer from us on MN. Talking this through with a councellor will be helpful as you have identified a few issues eg your anxiety, and his mum.
Crucial is how he feels about his mum and how much he listens to her.

You cannot change that situation but by talking things through with a councellor you will put yourself in a stronger position.

I didn't mean to say MN can't help you. Sorry worried. Shouldn't have written that .

No, I undestand minilegofigure

Thanks for all your advice. I just find this stage of life extremely stressful, I'm not into the travel and be free and wild!!!

Be the tortoise, not the hare.

Agree with nearly all the posts - especially the dangers of comparing. You can't plan a perfect line through life, you have to budget for accidents, unforseens. The perfect husband could get run over by a bus, one year after marriage. Hence you need to be employable/ independent in your own right if possible --> stay a year longer in your job, for your own benefit.

Are you geographically far apart? including jobs? Can't you rent together, with a bit of a commute, sticking to the same jobs? It would be reasonable for him/you to do SOMETHING to demonstrate commitment.

If it were me I would put a note in my diary for 12-18 months time, then FORGET about it. In the meanwhile I would focus on enjoying my job, including the social side. I would wave an amber flag in my head regarding the relationship.

My last point is maybe a bit harsh. I would consider myself a 90% girlfriend, not a 100& one. Don't label yourself (in your own head) as completely OFF the market. Put it another way - if he was massively into you - he wouldn't let you live somewhere else with minimal contact all week long. Either that or you have a very trusting, good relationship - which should calm your worries??

It's not up to him to decide the timing of everything. If you want to be engaged, why don't you ask him? Of course, he may say 'no, ask me again in 1 year's time' but I think it gives you a clearer picture of whether:

• he sees his future with you but doesn't want it to start yet (in which case no real objections to a long engagement, surely?)
• he isn't sure about his future with you and is hedging his bets (in which case you may want to look for someone who is ready to share your goals now, instead of possibly in a few years).

petetheplumber we could live together but DP doesnt want the 1 and a half hour commute to work (in the evenings - in the morning this would be an hour). So I don't know what to do about that.

DP would defo not agree to a long engagement. He just wouldnt and would say he would do it when he was ready...

I think you are right in being a 90% girlfriend. I don't fully believe he is as into this as I am, and despite my intensity and desire to move forwards, I'm actually a good and loyal girlfriend and I would like the same treamment back.

I feel for you.
If there's one thing in life that you should listen to it's your instincts.
IMHO if two people genuinely want to be together there aren't all these barriers.
It all seems to be very much based on what he wants.

Don't be in such a rush. I remember in my late twenties that time was running out, now I'm in my forties and wonder what on earth I was worrying about. There's plenty of time to do all these things, just take your time and make sure things are right at the time. This bourgeois notion of job/house/kids is a transitory illusion. As a poster said earlier, some of your loved up friends will start to have divorces in about ten years, it's a statistical fact. They'll have to decide how to split their lovely homes between two warring partners. Take your time, it's a terrible truism but life is a journey; it's not a race to see how much 'stuff' you can collect.