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Relationships

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Original poster

DP seems frightened about my new job - not sure how to take it

64 replies

IBSPants · 18/02/2015 08:49

At the moment I'm a full time student bringing in very little bursary and earning minimum wage on casual hours when I can fit in a shift. Basically I'm bringing in between £500 - £1000 a month. DP on the other hand earns around £35k.

I've just landed my post graduate job, somewhere I really wanted with a starting wage of £21500 (which is a good wage up here in Yorkshire!) which goes up £1k a year from then on.

DP seemed reluctantly chuffed at first but then said something about "as long as this is a future you want for both of us and not just for you". He later went on to say that he feels worried and insecure that now I'll be financially independant I won't need him and might "run off".

To me, this kind of suggests that he thinks I'm only with him for money and furthermore, he likes me being dependant on him. How would you take it?

OP posts:

InfinitySeven · 18/02/2015 08:54

From that comment alone, it does sound like he's more comfortable if you are dependant on him because then you cannot leave. And that's scary.

I'd talk to him. Tell him that you've been thinking about his comments. Perhaps reiterate that you are with him because you love him, and that if you had wanted to leave him, you would have done so regardless of the financial situation? And then express that you are not willing to stay dependant on him.

I'd be very hesitant to continue a relationship with someone who had expressed those views, though. Imagine being on maternity leave or a SAHM with him wanting to control finances so that you can't leave. That isn't the basis for any type of good relationship. Hopefully he just expressed himself badly...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/02/2015 08:54

I'd take it that he's insecure and rather selfish. He feels threatened by your progress and success. Don't let him spoil your new career and certainly don't think you have to over-compensate by being extra reassuring that you won't 'run off'. He has to grow up and get used to being with an independent woman, not a dependent girl....

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/02/2015 08:54

This is really about power and control. I think he likes you being dependent on him; he can act like the Big Man then. He should be happy for you regardless and not make snide comments based on his own deeply rooted paranoia.

I would totally reassess this relationship now. You may well come to determine that he is controlling in other areas of your relationship as well.

Asifbymagic · 18/02/2015 08:54

A lot (if not most) people are afraid of change good or at least he's admitting it.

Sorry not much help, just my take on it

DeliciousMonster · 18/02/2015 08:58

It should suggest to you that he doesn't want you to have independence and freedom. It is definitely a red flag.

I had one once - hated the fact I was at college and when I dumped him close to the end of my course, he stalked me for months.

molehillormountain · 18/02/2015 09:12

He will want kids next

Nolim · 18/02/2015 09:14

Most guys would be happy when their partner gets a job and salary. Being finantialy independent is something to be proud of.

He sounds incredibly insecure and yes he wants you to be dependant on him. Not a good trait i am afraid.

You dont say if you have kids with him. If you do or if you are planning a future with him please discuss the expectations regarding money and decision making.

newnamefor15 · 18/02/2015 09:14

It's a red flag if it turns out to be true that he wants you dependent and 'tied' to him financially.

Fingers crossed he just expressed himself badly and it's actually fear of change/a bit of insecurity and he'll realise this, give himself a kick, and be 100% enthusiastic and supportive of your career. Because if he isn't, it's the death knell of you having any sort of equal and satisfying relationship.

Talk to him again. It's good that he can tell you of his fears and concerns, but he needs to be honest about his expectations of a relationship.And you need to be honest about yours. It's so easy to assume that how you think a relationship should work, is of course how your partner thinks a relationship should work. And it's awful to find out otherwise, but find out sooner rather than later.

Ask him, seriously, why he thought you were studying and what you'd do in the next few years afterwards. Did he realise you want a career or is this a shock to him? Did he think you were studying mainly for satisfaction/interest and you'd only want a 'little job' locally while he had the career? Or that you were doing it looking forward to going back to work in 20 years time after having kids and being a SAHM for that period? Did he expect to be the family breadwinner? Does he want children now? Did he expect you to give up work when you had children or is that an open decision you won't be making until the time comes? Don't ask him in an accusing way - you are finally setting out your wants and expectations, both of you. You need to think about what you want as well, and tell him.

I would be very concerned though. He thinks your job is only to your advantage, not you both as a couple. Which, even if it were mainly to your advantage, if it's what you want to do, a good, secure, loving partner supports that. But what possible disadvantage does he see in your having a good job and a career? That it gives you financial independence from him. He loses what he imagines is something to control you with (you can't leave if you don't have your own money). Which is also not true, as you could leave with nothing but the shirt on your back if you really needed to. But a man who feels he needs that control, that 'security', in a relationship, rather than wanting it to be of two mutually loving people who CHOOSE to be together, hmmmm. Rather you than me.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/02/2015 09:17

BTW... hope you get your new salary paid into a personal account.... :)

AnyFucker · 18/02/2015 09:19

yup, rather you than me

newnamefor15 · 18/02/2015 09:20

It could also be jealousy. He's obviously doing quite well himself, is he threatened by the thought that you might catch up and even over-take him? Does he think the man should earn more/be more important/have a 'better' job than the woman? Is he that old-fashioned?

I know a young couple who recently split and career jealousy was one of the factors. The other way round. He had a reasonable job, not great, but ok and worked very hard and looked for training/promotion opportunities at his firm. She also got a job there for a little while but wasn't kept on after the probationary period. She got a different job. He got a small promotion. Was she pleased for him? Was she hell. Everyone else was congratulating him and she was making snarky comments. He was terribly hurt. I don't think he ever forgave her reaction.

Joysmum · 18/02/2015 09:27

I feel sorry for him.

I had something similar the first time I lost all my weight. DH was frightened I'd leave him.

Long story short, it shocked me he didn't know how much I loved him, I reassured him and things were better as he realised that I wanted to be with him, not that I was crushed and just was with him because I didn't have the nerve to be with anyone else.

I have my own little insecurities and so can't deny him his. In other relationships though I can see how it might be a red flag.

Jux · 18/02/2015 09:43

It is a red flag. What is he like otherwise? Do you have children?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/02/2015 10:11

Admitting he feels vulnerable isn't as bad as sabotaging your prospects but I would feel uncomfortable about his response until I talked about it further. If I were you I certainly wouldn't let his feeling threatened diminish your achievement.

crje · 18/02/2015 10:16

Insecurity or red flag
You know him best , which is it most likely to be .

Becles · 18/02/2015 10:17

If you do ever contemplate having children with him, this rings massive alarm bells which would have me salting some money away in a bank account just in case.

pinkyredrose · 18/02/2015 10:25

Ask him why he's still around seeing as he's financially independent.

Jan45 · 18/02/2015 10:27

How odd, most partners would be over the moon, I'm afraid I wouldn't be happy at his response, it signifies loss of control and deep insecurity.

Jux · 18/02/2015 12:18

Oh,mand many many congratulations on your new position! Well done!

Jux · 18/02/2015 12:25

The "future for both of us and not just for you" thing is very worrying. What is his job? Is he doing it for a future for both of you or just for him? Did he think he would be the sole bread-winner and see that as a position of power within the relationship? What job prospects does he have? Does he go away for work? Does he assume that if/when you have children you will be the one who has to take time off in the holidays etc while he jogs on happily with his job? Would he be prepred to take time off work in the holidays so you can work? Etc etc etc etc.

Lots and lots of talking is needed. Be very careful about using contraceptives until you've got this really thrashed out and you have seen and are satisfied he doesn't just give your career lip service.

Your career and life are as important as his.

SugarFreeforSpring · 18/02/2015 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OddBoots · 18/02/2015 12:38

I agree that it might be a red flag but on the other hand it may reflect something he has had happen to him before or he has seen happen to someone else. You need to have a good chat with him to find out more.

Original poster

IBSPants · 18/02/2015 12:57

His ex wife never worked and so I think he grew quite accustomed to being 'in control'. He's never had that with me as I've always insisted on having my own bank account and access to the main joint account - plus I earn my own money, if albeit, it's currently a small amount.

I did ask him why he's never run off considering he's financially independant and he couldn't really answer me. We're supposed to be getting married next year anyway! I sometimes wonder whether we're on the same wavelength with regards to what we both believe this relationship to be.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/02/2015 13:06

I think you've been given a sneak peak into an aspect of his personality that is not the modern man he's presented up to now. Be careful with someone like this because while they may appear to be all in favour of equality, and even say that they admire your independence or personal achievements, not far below the surface can be a mess of insecurity wrapped up in throwback male chauvinist piggery. Life ends up a constant passive aggressive battle where you can't properly enjoy anything for fear of more grudging responses.

Nip it in the bud. Don't tolerate anything that isn't 100% enthusiastic and supportive.

GoatsDoRoam · 18/02/2015 13:09

Oh wow. I could not accept a partner who does not celebrate my successes.

Instead of being pleased for you, he's concerned about his own relative loss of standing. What does he think a relationship is? A contest?

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