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Original poster

DP seems frightened about my new job - not sure how to take it

64 replies

IBSPants · 18/02/2015 08:49

At the moment I'm a full time student bringing in very little bursary and earning minimum wage on casual hours when I can fit in a shift. Basically I'm bringing in between £500 - £1000 a month. DP on the other hand earns around £35k.

I've just landed my post graduate job, somewhere I really wanted with a starting wage of £21500 (which is a good wage up here in Yorkshire!) which goes up £1k a year from then on.

DP seemed reluctantly chuffed at first but then said something about "as long as this is a future you want for both of us and not just for you". He later went on to say that he feels worried and insecure that now I'll be financially independant I won't need him and might "run off".

To me, this kind of suggests that he thinks I'm only with him for money and furthermore, he likes me being dependant on him. How would you take it?

OP posts:
Original poster
IBSPants · 18/02/2015 13:17

EVERYTHING is a competition with him. If I say I've had a bad day at work he'll say "well I've had a worse day and I've been at it a lot longer than you". If I say I'm tired he'll say "I'm more tired, I do more hours than you". Sometimes I get the sarcastic "well, welcome to the world of work!" As if I've never worked before. If I say I feel ill he'll say "well I feel ill constantly but nobody cares about that". It's constant competition with him.

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 18/02/2015 13:20

Sounds delightful, enriching and enjoyable.

GoatsDoRoam · 18/02/2015 13:20

Oh wait.

GoatsDoRoam · 18/02/2015 13:20

Are you actually happy in this relationship, IBS?

pictish · 18/02/2015 13:24

Sounds like a cock end to me!

Annarose2014 · 18/02/2015 13:25

Now imagine those comments after you're like a zombie after being up all night feeding a baby.

Imagine his reaction when you're anxious to go back to work after your maternity leave to keep up the momentum in your career. I suspect it would not be supportive.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/02/2015 13:29

Had missed that he has been married before. I don't like the sound of that competitiveness. Are you expected to perpetually soothe him and play second fiddle?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 18/02/2015 13:30

Ugh he sounds like a twat.

pictish · 18/02/2015 13:30

I imagine he gets satisfaction in his relationships from feeling like the big man, and having the little woman in her place, which is obviously firmly beneath him.

Now you're successfully heading into your own career, his status and right to pull rank is being compromised. Poor diddums.

Jan45 · 18/02/2015 13:32

So basically he doesn't see you as his equal at all - where's the partnership, teamwork, it's looking like he's incapable of actually being the other half of a couple.

ImperialBlether · 18/02/2015 13:35

I'd take my salary and run!

What a misery he is. How awful that you can't even feel tired without him trying to make it all about him.

Can you imagine having children with this man?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/02/2015 13:38

It may only be a small thing, competitive tiredness, but it's indicative of someone who believes themselves to be naturally entitled to special treatment and that they are superior to others.

Does this man think other people get a better deal than him? Does he tend to blame others for his own failings? Does he take pleasure if others don't succeed (schadenfreude)?

Snapespotions · 18/02/2015 13:38

OP, please don't marry this man! He wants to control you, not to be an equal partner.

My DH is far from perfect, but one thing I will say is that he has always been my biggest cheerleader. He has believed in me more than I believe in myself, and encouraged me to go for things that I might not have gone for without his support. I now earn considerably more than he does, but he is proud of what I've achieved. A man who feels threatened by his partner's success is not the kind of man that you want in your life!

pictish · 18/02/2015 13:43

His ex wife never worked and so I think he grew quite accustomed to being 'in control'.

Now that's interesting, because my husband works full time, while I've been a SAHM to our three kids for the last nine years...but he has never been 'in control'. He values what I do, and certainly doesn't see it as less than his own contribution. Being the breadwinner doesn't equate to him being in charge or anything even approaching it!
Your dp obviously thinks it does.

He'd hate being married to me!

OddBoots · 18/02/2015 13:47

I had some sympathy for him until that last post, now he sounds like a dick. Think hard before you marry him.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 18/02/2015 13:47

I'd really take time to think about whether marrying him is the wise choice. He isn't likely to change for the better once you have a legal tie to him.

You already know so many things about him that are massive warning signs for trouble! If you marry him it is that much harder to disentangle yourself.

He wants you dependent, he likes to be in charge, he thinks you'll run off given a chance (which often escalates to actively ensuring you never have that chance!) he is critical of you, he isn't supportive if you are unwell.

I mean, that alarm bell is deafening. You must be hearing it too?

It isn't normal to be in competition with someone you love. You know that. The normal response to I feel ill is "do you need anything? do you want to have a rest? Would you like some chicken soup" Grin not well, I'm MORE ill than you so stfu.

FantasticButtocks · 18/02/2015 13:58

DP seemed reluctantly chuffed Hmm reluctantly chuffed? How generous of him!

Are you sure you want to marry him? I find it is best to be married to someone who genuinely wants you to have all you want to have in life, who is delighted at your achievements, who admires you when you do well, who is able to sympathise when you have a bad day and who doesn't let his egotistical needs get in the way of cherishing his beloved DW. Any reluctance to be chuffed when you have just landed a plum job would have me re-thinking the situation.

Congrats on job BTW Wine Thanks Grin

Jux · 18/02/2015 13:59

Why on earth would you willingly marry a man who can't even sympathise when you've had a bad day? What will he be like if something really bad happened to you?

HazleNutt · 18/02/2015 14:01

he sounds like a total twat based on your last post, and not a supportive partner.

ClaireRalph · 18/02/2015 14:13

I would really think twice before marrying this guy. A similar thing happened to me - before we got married I had a ok salary but a really big mortgage so very little spare cash. My husband would buy me drinks/treats help pay for things, which I thought was great. After we got married I got a big promotion and was suddenly earning substantially more than he was, and we had moved in together by this point so my huge mortgage had been traded down. He was never happy about the fact that I made more than he did, and it ate away at us until I walked out last September with our baby in tow.
Wish I had never married him. A lot of men can't cope with women who are independent. They resort to emotional abuse which can (and does) get pretty nasty.
If you are misaligned now it will only get worse under stress. Agree with Cognito to nip it in the bud now

HazleNutt · 18/02/2015 14:27

are you sure you want to marry this man? A normal answer to 'I'm so tired' is 'Sorry to hear, would you like a cup of tea and to talk about your day?' and not 'Well what do you know, I work more than you!'.
Can you imagine having kids with this man, being up all night and rocking a coliky baby the whole day, and him then telling you that you can't possibly be tired, sitting at home the whole day? Sounds lovely..

Hissy · 18/02/2015 14:30

good god, please end this asap - there is no future here for you at all.

none.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/02/2015 14:36

I would not marry him under any circumstances because he will further control you if you do (if he is not doing so already).

You are starting now to see the full extent of how controlling he really is; after a year or two their controlling nature come to the fore because such men cannot maintain the "nice modern man" act. He wants you dependent on him financially so he can hold that over and against you.

Look at his parents as well OP: what sort of example did they show him?.

Such men DO NOT change.

Lovecat · 18/02/2015 14:46

I'm afraid I'm another 'get out now', especially after that last post.

DH and I suffered from competitive tiredness when DD was tiny, it was the thing that came closest to breaking us up and it was absolutely poisonous. If he's like this now, imagine how bad he's going to be when you have a little baby keeping you up all night.

It sounds like he is a massive ball of insecurities and he can't bear to be anything other than the main man - whether that's with the best job and the highest salary or the most tired/hardworking/ill - speaking from the example of my father, a deeply insecure man who constantly tore down my mother for being 'only good at numbers' (she was an accountant, he worked in factory and had a huge chip on his shoulder about it) and made her feel like nothing she ever did was good enough, it's not going to change, it will only get worse as your career progresses.

Get out while you can.

MaudeLebowski · 18/02/2015 14:46

Your husband is a bellend.