DP seems frightened about my new job - not sure how to take it

[IBSPants]

At the moment I'm a full time student bringing in very little bursary and earning minimum wage on casual hours when I can fit in a shift. Basically I'm bringing in between £500 - £1000 a month. DP on the other hand earns around £35k.

I've just landed my post graduate job, somewhere I really wanted with a starting wage of £21500 (which is a good wage up here in Yorkshire!) which goes up £1k a year from then on.

DP seemed reluctantly chuffed at first but then said something about "as long as this is a future you want for both of us and not just for you". He later went on to say that he feels worried and insecure that now I'll be financially independant I won't need him and might "run off".

To me, this kind of suggests that he thinks I'm only with him for money and furthermore, he likes me being dependant on him. How would you take it?

If I say I'm tired he'll say "I'm more tired, I do more hours than you". Sometimes I get the sarcastic "well, welcome to the world of work!" As if I've never worked before.

Seriously, this guy's an ungracious, ill mannered scrote. Do not marry.

Can you imagine having kids with this man, being up all night and rocking a coliky baby the whole day, and him then telling you that you can't possibly be tired, sitting at home the whole day? Sounds lovely..

Oh yes...what a sweetheart he will be to have children with.

Don't make any big commitments like getting married, unless he changes drastically. And don't hope he'll change or try to make him change because any change has to come from him, and that isn't likely to happen.

Concentrate on your new career, definitely have your salary paid into your own account rather than a joint account. By all means transfer funds to a joint account for bills etc but do not pay your salary into a joint account and why do say you have insisted on having your own bank account?

Does he by any chance want you to close your account and allow him to administer all your money? Is it just easier if everything is in one name? As in his name.

Do you know why his first marriage didn't work? DId they have DCs, and how does he speak about them?

Try to imagine what he is going to be like when you earn more than he does. If that prospect makes you at all anxious I would start assessing my relationship.

I had dinner recently with a couple in their mid 20's, unmarried no kids, both uni graduates working for the same company. He has been slightly senior in grade to her [but not line mgmt in any way] and she has just been promoted in half the time he was. He spent the evening talking about how she wouldn't know what hit her she'd have so much more work to do and at some point made a snarky comment about women out-earning men and what bitches they were. I really had to bite my tongue. I'd be running a mile from him personally.

And as a comparison, my husband could not have been more thrilled and proud than when he saw my last bonus. That's how supportive partners behave.

Wow. The first post sounded as if he could just have had a moment of unsureness faced with a lot of change - everyone has bad days or conflicted emotions that aren't pretty in the light of day. But something rang oddly about it to you, or you wouldn't have posted it.

The second post sounds a lot scarier. I wonder why his ex-wife didn't work. Have you ever met her/talked to her?

Only you know whether these things you are posting seem to be out of character or exactly in character.

oh dear

I expect any babies you have with this man will also be "competition" to him

Have a look around the relationships board about the women stuck with men who start acting out during their pg, feel entitled to chase skirt because suprise suprise they aren't getting enough sex and decide to trade them in for a younger model who gives them the attention they think they deserve

that's him, that is....you have been warned

I don't know if saw This Morning today. Jonathon Ross (who normally annoys me) was on there displaying pride and real pleasure in his wife's achievements which have surpassed his own

I out earn my husband at the moment due to taking on extra duties and he is simply pleased for me, and pleased for what it means for our family. The End.

put it this way

My exhusband always sends me a genuine congratulations when I do something good/achieve something. My ex. Who doesn't have to offer me any congratulations at all.

He does because this is how normal people behave - someone you know (and don't hate) does something they should be proud of then YOU are also proud and happy for them.

I also congratulate him on things. My ex.

Your current DP hates that you have achieved something good.

Red flag with brass bells and sprinkles on top.

What you seem to have found yourself with is an unreconstructed 'traditional' man, and not a very nice version of that. Traditional relationships can work just fine if that's what both people want and expect and agree on. However, being traditional does not mean the men are controlling in the way that he sounds, and not competitively tired/ill - that's not traditional, that's plain disfunctional and hinting towards getting abusive.

Why did you say you 'insisted' on your own bank account. How did the topic even arise that you wouldn't?

Can you see that his version of a relationship means

Man works and woman doesn't work.
Man is in control financially
Woman is not ever allowed to be tired/stressed/ill and has to hide it if she is
Man is a hypochondriac and competitive whinger and woman jumps to, doing anything he wants to make him feel better

And probably...
Woman does all housework and childcare
Man makes all major decisions over their lives

Please keep thinking about this. You've got a glimmer of what future he is mapping out for you and are now reconsidering. If you are not compatible with what type of marriage you both want, then it is doomed to fail. Sorry.

Something strange is happening on Mumsnet lately, I've read this EXACT thread, including the dripfeed/update/second post, almost word for word, a few weeks ago.

Didn't you like the answers you got on your last thread OP?

With all these red flags you'd be a fool to marry him.

Having just read your 13:17 post, run for the hills!

strange that, Wax