Petty DH, difficult DD

[attheedge]

I have been married for 4 years, I have a 15 year old DD to my previous marriage and a 3 year old DD to my current husband.

When we got together I didn?t expect it to be easy, I expected rows between my eldest DD and DH and I expected tension but what we?re experiencing is completely ripping our family apart and I?m getting to the stage where I want to walk out.

They?re both as petty as each other and the arguments and atmospheres are non-stop, from the minute he gets in from work they?re at each others throats. My DD has always been a bit obsessed with personal hygiene, every evening she gets a shower straight after tea, we never know what time DH is going to get in from work but she generally gets her shower around 7pm. The trouble is she stays in for over an hour, he comes in from work at a random time and wants a shower straight away so he?s constantly at the door shouting for her to hurry up, she?s stubborn so the shouting just makes her take longer. Now he?s decided that she isn?t allowed a shower until everyone else in the family has had theirs. This has caused another major row.

She will never come on weekend outings with us, probably this is partly down to her dislike of DH and partly down to her age. Last weekend we arranged to go to York for the day and to my surprise she asked if she could come with us. She is always allowed her music on in the car so readily brought a load of CD?s?.DH decided that this time she couldn?t have them on. She kicks up a fuss and I tell DH to let her have them on to keep the peace, eventually he agrees and the day starts going well. We get to York as soon as we get out of the car DD2 screams, cries and whinges because she hates to walk anywhere, after 10 minutes of this DD1 gets stroppy and walks off saying we?re embarrassing and that everyone was looking at us, DH goes mad and tells her that if she doesn?t like it she can piss off on her own. I get cross as I didn?t want her walking about on her own in a strange town so another row erupts. We finally sit down to some dinner, DD2 stops whinging and the days is on the up again. On the way home DH puts DD?s CD?s on so low that even I can?t hear them, she kicks up a fuss and he reluctantly turns it up slightly saying that DD2 might want to sleep, DD1 argues that she falls asleep to music anyway, another row erupts. Later DD1 starts singing along and DH turns it off altogether saying she?s being too noisy whilst DD2 is trying to sleep, another row erupts, this time ending with DH grabbing DD by her top in a threatening manner as we get out of the car, she goes nuts and tries to break everything in sight.

They both drive me mad, as soon as he comes home she buggers off to her room, if she?s watching TV he will go out of his way to turn it over saying that DD2 wants to watch her kids programs, this infuriates DD1 and it seems that he does it on purpose. His parents don?t help, they come in and completely ignore her, even on her birthday and even transfered the pocket money they were saving for her to DD2?s account as she was ?being difficult?. My family all blame my husband but she is no angel either, I have a thread on her own problems on the teenagers board.

I just want to walk out and leave them all to it.

Your Dh sounds like a teenager
He needs to grow up IMO

Your DH sounds like a spoilt wanker!

And he is making it so obvious that dd2 comes first to him! He needs to grow up!

I think you and your DH need to sit down and discuss how to deal with it. It does sound like he favours DD2 and this must make DD1 feel crap and want to rebel. Sounds cheesy but communication is the key.

What was your dd like before dh came along?

Regardless of the answer to that, your dh needs to read up on how to handle teenagers AND you need to talk with him about approaching her in a different way. HE is the adult and needs to start acting like it. Respect is the key word and neither of them seem to have any for each other.

Actually I shouldn't have called him a wanker, I apologise

You only said what the ret of us were thinking BK

Your daughter sounds like a normal teenagers. I've had 3. I know. It's a period when you need tolerance and then they emerge from the crysalis as beautiful butterflies at 18.

60% + of second marriages fail and it's usually because of issues such as this. It's apparently not easy. I have had a mix of ages of children and doing things with them separately is often the only way.

Just try to keep them apart. Your husband sounds as if he'd benefit from reading some books about teenagers. Good one by Peter Gilchrist - called Homemade Kids. There is no reason he should know what teenagers are like but he should have thought of this before he got involved with someone with chidlren. It makes me prefer men with chidlren who have been through that stage already.

Any chance of installing a small shower/shower room in your bed room to solve that issue?

Your DD sounds like a typical stroppy teenager. Problem is, so does your DH. He's got to learn to be as patient and forgiving of her boundry pushing as he can be because provocative behaviour like you're describing is unacceptable. He's the adult and should lead by example.

My pet theory on this problem in blended families is that the step-parent perceives the teenager as more adult than they actually are and inappropriately places adult expectations of "proper behaviour" on the teenager.

Teenagers are generally trouble, but we've all been there and as a result should be prepared to be the tolerant loving and understanding adults we all yearned for in our youth.

Don't walk out; that will only prolong the agonies you are all experiencing and therefore won't help the situation.

Whilst I am not suggesting you go off to Idaho for three weeks to live in the wilderness, this situation sounds very similar to what is happening with the Tait family who went on to leave the course early. In this case it was their son who was causing the ructions, the lady had remarried and had two children by her second husband. The parents were also at fault, but they did not or could not admit their own failings.

Her eldest boy felt like he had been pushed out by his new dad and that his opinion no longer mattered as they were dealing with the two youngest. He felt totally excluded from the family unit. Your DD may also feel pushed out as well by the "new people" i.e your husband and to a lesser extent your youngest daughter.

The above may go some way as to why she is acting like she does - any attention, albeit negative, is better than none at all. This is all symptomatic of a wider problem. She actually sounds very unhappy and depressed with everything. The hour long showering may actually be an expression of anxiety. Also being in there that long gets back at her stepfather.

Would you all go to family therapy?. This may be an option to consider now. If it carries on she will likely get into serious trouble with the law or end up on the streets.

Do you or particularly your husband spend any time at all with this eldest DD without the youngest child?.

You all need to look at your own actions and how this situation has arisen. I think you can get a great daughter back but it will take a lot of emotional work (and that will not be easy) from your daughter, your husband and yourself in order to do so.

Your husband should certainly not have told her to "piss off on her own" if this is indeed what he said to her. This is inflammatory, rises to her bait and sets her a bad example. He is supposed to be the adult here.

I ma sorry, but he sounds worse than her! I can see why she acts up so much!

1. She is a young lady and shouldn't be man handled like that by anyone, let aloner her stepfather!
2. She is as entitled to anyone to have a shower, maybe he should try asking her nicely to finish sooner, or perhaps aske her to wait until he is done, then she can have it as long as she likes
3. Invest in a portable CD player for her in the car, then she can listen to her music and he won't have too
4. She will have to get used to dd2 kicking up a stink that's what they do. I prob would have suggested you & dd1 go off for an hour and met up with dd2 & dh in a hour. That way dd2 would have calmed down & you & dd1 would have had quality time. I suggest he refrains from telling her to piss off in the future, because 1 day, she will! It's also very hurtful, she must have felt that she want't welcome

I can understand why she goes to her room to be honest, maybe it's time she had her own TV (maybe for xmas, so she can have some privacy?)

Oh, and I think I'd be having serious words with his parents, they can;t ignore her & lavish attention on dd2. I think alot of her problems (on your other thread) are a product of her home life.

he is the adult & he has to approach this in a differnet manor, he sounds very untolerant of her in general, address this & hopefully you will see a change in her in general.

apolois for typos, on eye on pc, other on dinner!

I've posted on your other thread but agree with all this here. He needs to grow up, lay off on the little niggles and you both need to concentrate on the big stuff.

God I was trying to be restrained on you other thread - wish I hadn't bothered....

This is exactly why I have vowed to never inflict (and I use that word deliberately) a stepfather on my children,come what may....

Ahem....who's the grown up out of the two of them? It's difficult to tell.

I agree with attila - she probably feels left out and it doesn't sound as if DH or his parents are helping with that at all.

From the OP I can't see what DD1 is doing that is so bad.

She sounds like a completley normal teenager.

Your description of your DH makes him sound childish, petty, controlling and unpleasant IMO.

I feel very sad that your eldest daughter appears to be treated so badly by your husband, and that she spends most of her time in her room.

It must be very difficult for her to have to live with someone who treats her this way.

You comment that you want to walk out and leave them all to it.

I wonder how your teenager daughter feels?

He's supposedly an adult.

She's not.

He married a gal w/a teen.

That implies he was mature enough to handle her behaviour or at least take it in stride, especially as you say her father died unexpectedly 4 years ago and you married this man a year after that.

Sorry, that's A LOT for a child that age to go through.

She cannot handle her emotions the way an adult can, b/c she's a teenager.

So she's acting out to cope, and turning to drugs, alcohol and dangerous behaviour to do so, from what I understand from your other thread.

Where are YOU in all this?

Seriously.

K, this is going to sound harsh and not 'supportive', but IMO, the one who needs support here is the teenage girl whose dad died suddenly when she was 11 and who now is trapped into living w/a man who acts like a teen and a mum who appears to just stand idly by and let him behave in such a fashion.

I think you ALL need counselling pronto.

I've linked your other thread , at theedge, so we can see the bigger picture.

Expat has it right - you need to be far more supportive of your daughter.

I agree with expat and callisto. From the OP and the way you describe things I can tell you have a good picture too of where your DH is being impossible.

It's true, it's you who hold the key here for your DD. She has had an incredible amount to deal with in her young life, not only losing her dad but dealing with a step dad appearing quite rapidly and a young sister! Blimey! I think she has dealt with it pretty well myself!

I think you and she need to have some regular, one to one time, and she desperately needs to know that you are on her side and are fighting her corner; of course I know this puts you in a really delicate situation because you need to NOT alienate your DH by doing this; you all need stability obviously so fighting her corner by making the kids feel anger and conflict between you and your dh is not going to help anyone.

It's going to be tricky but I'm sure you can do it - get some support for yourself from anyone who will understand....

Thanks for the replies, I can see that in my OP it seems that I was putting all the blame on DH but it isnt all him. My dd constantly rips the piss out of him calling him a robot and taking the mick out of everything from his hair to his clothes, she shouts things at him to make him feel bad about his eating (for instance a couple of nights ago he got a handful of biscuits out of the tin and she was absolutely disgusted and shrieked "god! how many???" so naturally he blew up too and counted them in front of her and shouted back "7!! is that ok??? miss???" this provoked her to shout out "fat bastard" and storm off upstairs.

When I first got with DH I promised her that we wouldn't move from our own house and if anything HE would move in with US, this turned out to be unpractical, we lived in a tiny council house and he lived in a much bigger, bought house so we did end up moving to the other end of the city and she held this against me. I told her that she wouldn't need to move schools but again this ended up being inpractical, 2 buses every morning and every night was costing a fortune plus she was getting into alot of trouble at her old school and there was a school litrally down our own street so we moved her, again she held this against me even though she must see it made sense.

Sometimes she'll just be sat there and will say "god you're ugly..." to him, he ignores her most of the time but she'll go on and on until she gets a reaction but then he goes OTT.

A couple of days ago he said something to DD about "if you carry on you will be going to bed at 9pm everynight for the next few weeks" he then turned to DD2 and started saying "won't she?" etc. This made her go into 'silly' mode again and started immitating his voice going "wont she? eh? wont she? eh" etc.

She's nicknamed our DD2 "meatloaf" because of her weight too so she's not all innocent.

Me and her father split up years before I got with DH, I was with current DH a few months before her dad died. We went on holiday to spain with his parents but she spoilt that too. On their spanish holidays they apparantly always go for an afternoon nap, DD had never been abroad before and didnt appretiate being sat in the hotel, she didn't have a bedroom of her own, just a sofa bed in the living room so she refused to sleep on that during the day and constantly whinged about everyone going to sleep whilst she was sat there bored, we said she could go down to the pool etc but she wouldn't . She developed a crush on a waiter and on the final night she stood with him for a photo and as I took it I realised the flash was not on, waiter was busy and rushed off straight afterwards and so she blamed me saying I'd done it on purpose. It's like everything we do has to end in a row.

I understand that she's not all that innocent, as you put it. But she has lost her dad, and you made 2 promises that you broke in pretty quick succession. If I were her I would be thinking that you said these things just to get me to go along with what you wanted & couldn't give 2 hoots about my feelings (I know that's not what you did, but put your self in her shoes)

I think that your dh using dd2 to goad dd1 is horrible, no wonder she is taking against her. It would just serve to wind her up more, and make her feel more alienated.

I agree that she has no reason/right to question your dh about food, imo he shouldn't rise to it, he needs to be the adult & pick his arguements.

I think you all need to either talk about how to resolve this, or think about therapy.

And try & do something that dd1 would like, either all of you, or one on one. She seems to have alot of pent up energy that needs releasing!

She sounds like a sullen, petulant difficult teenager. Normal! Unfortunately, he also sounds like a sullen petulant teenager.

I had wondered whether you and your previous DH had split before his death - that makes the timings quite a bit less alarming, tbh! Still, divorce isn't easy on anyone. How was her relationship with her dad before he died? I bet there's some guilt or regret there, and maybe all that makes it harder to have your DH stepping in and trying to be her dad now.

It would probably be better if you were the one dealing with your DD, not your DH, given the situation ...

I'm sorry Attheedge, but the more I read about your daughter the more sorry I feel for her. She is obviously feeling deeply betrayed by you and you just seem to defend your husband. She is attention seeking because she feels like second best to your new husband and daughter and where else can she go now her father is dead? How about giving her more of your time and attention, buying her treats, telling her you love her and telling your husband to grow up. I know things arn't simple and she sounds like hard work but I think you need to start looking at things from your dd's point of view.

yup, attheedge, you did break two important promises at a sensitive stage of change for your dd; where she lives and where she goes to school; basically her ENTIRE life, home and school, has been uprooted when she was promised it would not be!

I don't blame her for holding this against you.

But at the same time as an adult I totally understand the practicalities of life getting in the way......I do think these were BIG promises to break though.

I think your DD sounds a completely normal girl who is actually coping really well with her life and what's happened to her.

The key is in your DH's responses to her. Not to put too fine a point on it, they are CRAP. It is childish and silly of your DD to say "How many??!!" re the biscuits; but she IS a child. His job as the adult is to show her HOW to talk more sensibly to him by giving her a more grown up respectful response back; and the telling your DD she'll go to bed early then turning to your DD2 to say "won't she?" is going to be SO divisive for your daughters' relationship with eachother - talk about setting them against eachother! Not helpful!

He really really needs to deal with your DD better. You've still said nothing that indicates she is anything other than a normal teenager but plenty which illustrates your DH's shortcomings as a father!

This kid needs some help.

Quite frankly, I think the whole family does.

Of course, she's not 'all innocent'.

I wasn't at 15.

But I was a girl.

My parents were the adults.

I trusted them to have a care for my feelings, which I was really bad at expressing at that age.

Here's the message your DD is getting now:
Mum doesn't give a crap. To her, I'm nothing but a spoiled, petulant brat. So since she's already made me out to be that, why not just act on it?

You're her mother.

You have one shot to be that to her.

Get some help now before it's too late.