Petty DH, difficult DD

[attheedge]

I have been married for 4 years, I have a 15 year old DD to my previous marriage and a 3 year old DD to my current husband.

When we got together I didn?t expect it to be easy, I expected rows between my eldest DD and DH and I expected tension but what we?re experiencing is completely ripping our family apart and I?m getting to the stage where I want to walk out.

They?re both as petty as each other and the arguments and atmospheres are non-stop, from the minute he gets in from work they?re at each others throats. My DD has always been a bit obsessed with personal hygiene, every evening she gets a shower straight after tea, we never know what time DH is going to get in from work but she generally gets her shower around 7pm. The trouble is she stays in for over an hour, he comes in from work at a random time and wants a shower straight away so he?s constantly at the door shouting for her to hurry up, she?s stubborn so the shouting just makes her take longer. Now he?s decided that she isn?t allowed a shower until everyone else in the family has had theirs. This has caused another major row.

She will never come on weekend outings with us, probably this is partly down to her dislike of DH and partly down to her age. Last weekend we arranged to go to York for the day and to my surprise she asked if she could come with us. She is always allowed her music on in the car so readily brought a load of CD?s?.DH decided that this time she couldn?t have them on. She kicks up a fuss and I tell DH to let her have them on to keep the peace, eventually he agrees and the day starts going well. We get to York as soon as we get out of the car DD2 screams, cries and whinges because she hates to walk anywhere, after 10 minutes of this DD1 gets stroppy and walks off saying we?re embarrassing and that everyone was looking at us, DH goes mad and tells her that if she doesn?t like it she can piss off on her own. I get cross as I didn?t want her walking about on her own in a strange town so another row erupts. We finally sit down to some dinner, DD2 stops whinging and the days is on the up again. On the way home DH puts DD?s CD?s on so low that even I can?t hear them, she kicks up a fuss and he reluctantly turns it up slightly saying that DD2 might want to sleep, DD1 argues that she falls asleep to music anyway, another row erupts. Later DD1 starts singing along and DH turns it off altogether saying she?s being too noisy whilst DD2 is trying to sleep, another row erupts, this time ending with DH grabbing DD by her top in a threatening manner as we get out of the car, she goes nuts and tries to break everything in sight.

They both drive me mad, as soon as he comes home she buggers off to her room, if she?s watching TV he will go out of his way to turn it over saying that DD2 wants to watch her kids programs, this infuriates DD1 and it seems that he does it on purpose. His parents don?t help, they come in and completely ignore her, even on her birthday and even transfered the pocket money they were saving for her to DD2?s account as she was ?being difficult?. My family all blame my husband but she is no angel either, I have a thread on her own problems on the teenagers board.

I just want to walk out and leave them all to it.

I agree with expat. This can't go on. Your other dd must be profoundly affected by all this as well. You all need some help. Can you ask at your GPs?

Could you perhaps talk about this situation with your DH? If you were able to get him on side and present a united front to her - united in consistency,firmness and understanding, not in condemnation and anger. Can he not see how hard life must be for her?

Having read both threads, I am totally convinced that her behaviour is attention-seeking (not in an egocentric way, but in a desperate show-me-I'm-loved way). Her taking herself to rough areas is typical of this. In a perverse way I suspect she is hoping something will happen to her to force you to show that you love her.

You have a new dh and new daughter. She has lost her dad and probably thinks she has lost you too. Your dh sounds as though he is her teenage brother with an attitude problem. What are you doing whilst he screams at her?

She is absolutely desperate for you to show that you love her and, by letting her step-father treat her with such contempt, you are sending the message that you don't.

Exactly what I was trying to say Freckle.

attheedge

There's a lot in your posting about your DD's behaviour but none at all about your reactions to it and importantly what you as a family unit are intending to do about this situation.

Your husband and yourself are also part of this problem, there have been things done and decisions made by both of you to create the situation you find yourselves in now. Will you both admit some part in her problems?. You took two very important things to her away - her original home and school some time after her Dad died.

Your husband is not going to like this but he needs to make a real effort (as with your daughter) to spend time together with your eldest daughter without either you or your youngest child.

What do you do when DD1 kicks off?. It sounds like your husband takes charge. All parents screw up with their children but it takes a brave parent to admit their own failings and then address their issues. Do you think you could have done things differently?. She is being failed here by the very people who are supposed to protect her and by turn you are failing yourselves. I think you are both seen as weak by her, she knows you in particular too well (perhaps you have been too soft on her) and she knows exactly what buttons to push to wind the two of you up. If she has little to no respect for her own self then she certainly isn't going to have respect for people in authority like her parents, school, police, the courts etc.

Your family unit needs some sort of family therapy urgently because you could all end up destroying each other emotionally.

This fractured family unit can be repaired but I'm not convinced that you are willing and able to put the necessary work in. There's a complete lack of communication (bar the shouting) on both sides.

Try family counselling as someone else said earlier on here. This sounds like a situation to which the whole family contributes. Either that or try to sit down and talk about how if everyone made a bit more of an effort with everyone else, it might make it easier to live together.

Perhaps you could start by pointing out to your husband, as the adult, that you and he cannot change her behaviour, but you can change yours and if you are a bit nicer to her and give her some more time, she might respond positively.

I know it's not always easy being a step-parent, but when you get together with someone with children from a previous relationship, you have a choice to accept the whole deal - or not...

of course she is no angel. She is a child, being provokative and objectionable is something that most teens do. What's your dh's excuce.

I think your daughter is feeling how I felt when my mum had a new partner in my teens (there are a lot of similarities in cicumstances and behaviour of all parties here).

I suggest you think long and hard about what is really important.

I truly believe that all she wants is for her mother to show that she loves and cares for her. You are the most important thing in her life and yet you are allowing this situation to continue.

You DHs behaviour is appalling and you need to put a stop to his chidish behaviour. I may be wrong and I apologise if this is not so, but it seems you afraid of 'taking her side' over his?

I appreciate that divorce and being a single parent is not a laugh a minute and you must have hurt when your marriage failed. Its hardly want you wanted your life to be like and you do deserve to be happy, but not at your daughters expence. You had a child and that child should be the most important thing in your life and you are failing her. Harsh, but true.

Years on, I believe that I am not as confident or as secure in my own thoughts as I would like to be and after some counciling I had due to depression, anxiety and panic disorder, I realised that a lot of it was down to the way things had been in my childhood.

Im not saying that this is the case with you and your family, but you still have the chance to make sure that it never will be.

He wouldnt agree to family councilling. He doesnt think anything is wrong, the way he see's it he has a perfect wife, a perfect daughter and a pain in the arse that will be gone in a couple of years anyway.

I've just posted again on the teen board but as I said on there, she has never been an easy child, even when me and her dad was together she was a shit stirrer with neighbours and family members.

I feel like I'm constantly stuck in the middle but why should I give up another marriage (it would be my 3rd), a house and my other DD when DD1 tells me she will be moving out as soon as she's 16 and won't talk to me afterwards anyway.

Family members don't help, interfering, some say she needs a slap, others say DH needs a slap, in all truthfullness I don't think any of the family like DH as he's so different from our family but DD does her best to make sure they dislike her too.

One thing that did piss me off, we drove into the middle of nowhere one time, he was going to teach me how to drive and give me a little go on the car, DD1 was in the back moaning. As I took the wheel I did something wrong and the car shot foward and knocked a little wooden bollard thing and bent it over, DD laughed and DH went mad and told her to get out of the car and walk home. We were litrally in the middle of nowhere and he KNOWS what she's like for wandering off at the best of times so naturally she took him up on it, if I hadnt of ordered her back into the car god knows where she wouldve ended up.

I often wonder what he wouldve been like with her if he dad was still here

'Why should you give up your marriage?' Ah, nail on the head then.

I will be leaving this now.

attheedge, probably not the most sensible idea to have a go driving a car for the first time with your child in the car...

I have posted on your other thread. I think there's a danger of the talking going on and on about your dd. Basically YOU need to take action NOW to spend time with your dd, to show her she is loved and valued, to look towards her future and to give her some self esteem.

This would go a huge way to addressing her attention seeking, risky behaviour.

She needs, as another poster already put it so well, to know that YOU choose HER rather than a relationship with a man. She needs to feel that HER needs are more important than your needs.

link to the other thread for those getting confused!

put your daughter before yourself meet her needs, Ihave posted more on your other thread.

'I've just posted again on the teen board but as I said on there, she has never been an easy child, even when me and her dad was together she was a shit stirrer with neighbours and family members.

I feel like I'm constantly stuck in the middle but why should I give up another marriage (it would be my 3rd), a house and my other DD when DD1 tells me she will be moving out as soon as she's 16 and won't talk to me afterwards anyway.'

Wow.

You know, you're a prize piece of work!

Please, please, let us know how we can help your DD when she leaves home, b/c there are a lot of us who would certainly be willing to share some time and a little bit of comfort w/a lonely, sad kid who didn't get that at home and who lost her dad as well.

Poor you, stuck in the middle.

Of two kids, one of whom is masquerading in a man's body.

I'm going to be sick.

If I had the spare cash, I'd be happy to send her to a counsellor for some support and therapy.

I'm going to end this thread now, I can't seem to get across what i mean, I'm not used to forums.

Put it this way, a few months ago my DD ran off and ended up staying in bed and breakfasts leaving early in the morning before paying, she wanted to see how long she could live on her own ripping these places off. In the end my nephew caught up with her and she went to stay at my sisters house (a different sister) and they said she could stay there for as long as she needed. Before long she ended up more or less being asked to leave as she began lying to them in order to 'escape' the house to go out getting drunk.

you are something else, f*cking outrageous your poor dd

She wanted to see on how little money she can live on b/c she's going to bolt as soon as she's 16.

So, yeah, may as well go ahead and end this thread.

Another lost soul out there on the streets, trying to be 'hard' b/c she's hurting so badly inside.

Tbh, if I lived with a stepfather who treated me like dog's mess and a mother who let him and referred to me as a shit stirrer, I would probably run away and live some where else.

I get the impression that you started these threads not to find some means to change things so that you can help your dd, but because you wanted a general outpouring of sympathy and confirmation that she is impossible to live with, so that you could justify chucking her out.

Would you rather she didn't live with you? Honestly?

I bet I know the answer. And I'll bet your dd does too.

I agree with Freckle, I'm afraid you are looking for an excuse to justify washing your hands of her so you can get on with life with your dh and dd2.
If you put a bit of time in here and now and try to weather the storm she could be gone out into the world a well adjusted young woman from a loving family in just 3 years.
If you continue as you are going she is going to be a statistic.

if you don't want her with you then do something now whilst she is eligible to teh full range of support she needs. It might be the kindest thing if you really don't want to change anything

God that feels weird writing that if you want to keep her please try some of teh advice people have given you