Petty DH, difficult DD

[attheedge]

I have been married for 4 years, I have a 15 year old DD to my previous marriage and a 3 year old DD to my current husband.

When we got together I didn?t expect it to be easy, I expected rows between my eldest DD and DH and I expected tension but what we?re experiencing is completely ripping our family apart and I?m getting to the stage where I want to walk out.

They?re both as petty as each other and the arguments and atmospheres are non-stop, from the minute he gets in from work they?re at each others throats. My DD has always been a bit obsessed with personal hygiene, every evening she gets a shower straight after tea, we never know what time DH is going to get in from work but she generally gets her shower around 7pm. The trouble is she stays in for over an hour, he comes in from work at a random time and wants a shower straight away so he?s constantly at the door shouting for her to hurry up, she?s stubborn so the shouting just makes her take longer. Now he?s decided that she isn?t allowed a shower until everyone else in the family has had theirs. This has caused another major row.

She will never come on weekend outings with us, probably this is partly down to her dislike of DH and partly down to her age. Last weekend we arranged to go to York for the day and to my surprise she asked if she could come with us. She is always allowed her music on in the car so readily brought a load of CD?s?.DH decided that this time she couldn?t have them on. She kicks up a fuss and I tell DH to let her have them on to keep the peace, eventually he agrees and the day starts going well. We get to York as soon as we get out of the car DD2 screams, cries and whinges because she hates to walk anywhere, after 10 minutes of this DD1 gets stroppy and walks off saying we?re embarrassing and that everyone was looking at us, DH goes mad and tells her that if she doesn?t like it she can piss off on her own. I get cross as I didn?t want her walking about on her own in a strange town so another row erupts. We finally sit down to some dinner, DD2 stops whinging and the days is on the up again. On the way home DH puts DD?s CD?s on so low that even I can?t hear them, she kicks up a fuss and he reluctantly turns it up slightly saying that DD2 might want to sleep, DD1 argues that she falls asleep to music anyway, another row erupts. Later DD1 starts singing along and DH turns it off altogether saying she?s being too noisy whilst DD2 is trying to sleep, another row erupts, this time ending with DH grabbing DD by her top in a threatening manner as we get out of the car, she goes nuts and tries to break everything in sight.

They both drive me mad, as soon as he comes home she buggers off to her room, if she?s watching TV he will go out of his way to turn it over saying that DD2 wants to watch her kids programs, this infuriates DD1 and it seems that he does it on purpose. His parents don?t help, they come in and completely ignore her, even on her birthday and even transfered the pocket money they were saving for her to DD2?s account as she was ?being difficult?. My family all blame my husband but she is no angel either, I have a thread on her own problems on the teenagers board.

I just want to walk out and leave them all to it.

Attheedge I have a nearly 13 yr old ds to a previous relationship, I have a 4yr old dd with my partner now and am pregnant.
I know ds thinks dp is a pompous arse a lot of the time, they do chafe away at each other
I have told dp that he is the adult and we need to set a good sound and consistent behavious model for my son so that he knows where he stands.
We use curfew/house jobs/grounding/withdrawal of money/privileges if ds's behaviour steps outside of what we all have sat down together and agreed we will try to work on.
Family meeting - involves dp and ds and I apologising for the wrongs, committing to making things right.
To be frank dp knows, if us being together fucks my ds up, I'm outta there
No contest at all.

'if you want to keep her'

man, those words bring tears to my eyes.

we're talking about a girl here. 15, but now she'll always be, in some ways, a really lonely little girl who didn't think her mother loved her.

attheedge

As said before you are unable to unwilling to accept the fact that both you and your husband have contributed to the situation your DD finds herself in.

You sound so much like that family on Brat camp, the ones who gave up and left early. The tv crew paid them a visit at home. I note that their son was no longer around either although they said he still lived at home. They were happy enough to play happy families with their youngest children and write the eldest one off. It was clear that they had washed their hands of him.

Your daughter got written off as a bad lot by you years ago. Small wonder therefore she's in the state she is in. Your daughter would doubtless say that your man comes first with her being at the bottom of the pile.

Yes of course I want to keep her.

I don't even know how it came to this, at first they got on ok, it was when we moved here that she became difficult. It seemed to start with school, her old school...she was constantly in trouble from the age of 12+. I cant remember when things got bad between her and DH, probably after DD2 was born, he did favour her, doesnt take a genius to work that out, she was the daughter he never thought he would have and DD1 was a constant pain, as teens are and he did make it obvious and still does. I HAVE spoken to him but even when he does try and be nice DD1 pulls a face and walks off.

Something still sticks in my head, about a year ago DH had a crash at work, he came home and cried in the kitchen, he thought he was going to lose his job. DD1 came in, took one look at him and asked if he was ok, telling him it wasnt his fault and that he would be ok...so how does it keep going back to this horrible set-up?

I know you all think I'm a bitch but I genuinly am here for help and advice.

I'd show her this thread and the other.

I'd put them on her bed where she can see.

I'd write a note w/it and say 'I'm sorry. I was so wrong. I've been such a fool. But I love you. How can I show you?'

Parents are supposed to love us unconditionally.

She knows this is how it's supposed to work.

Be the bigger person.

Take that first step.

I'd print them off.

Man, she needs to know someone gives a shit NOW!

She's allowed to pull a face and walk off, when the bloke who is usually pretty grotty to her is suddenly nice...that's a pretty normal reaction, esp for a teenager....the trick is for dh to be consistently nice to her...not ocassionally ...when he can bothered... etc

It keeps going back to where it is b/c your husband's acting like a twat.

She is, too, but she's a TEENAGER who is NOT capable of expressing her emotions in the same way an adult would. On some levels, yes, but believe it or not she is still growing inside.

Her brain is NOT fully developed yet.

My advice is this.

You need to put some SERIOUS EFFORT into parenting your daughter, and bythe sound of it, your partner.

Your daughter sounds like she thinks nobody loves her. Teenage girls who think nobody loves them often get pregnant on purpose - she might do this to escape the situation she is in. It sounds like being in a bedsit on your own with a child who adores you is much preferable to being in someone elses house, where a younger version of yourself is openly favoured, and your mother allows this.

Trust me, your daughter will be thinking just like this.

She is a child. Your partner is bullying a child. Of course she hates him, he has taken her mum away, replaced her dad, and been the cause of her replacement - your dd2. I'd bloody hate him.

15 is no different from 5 in some ways. I don't think they have any more self control, just more size and more eloquence - oh, and fertility.

If you write her off, she will know she has been written off. She will decide that it dfoesn't matter what she does, you will never love her anyway, so why bother?

If your partner was treating your 3 year old like this, would you allow that? I don't think so, because she isn't going to be out of your hair in 2 years, and if your partner messes that one up, you have to live with her for 15 years.

Please please sort this out now while your daughter still wants to be around you. She sounds so desperately unhappy.

I'm sorry Expat - I have to disagree with part of that!

I don't think it is just her DH that is behaving like a t*t. This poor child has two t*ts for parents!

And yes, I should probably report myself, but I have deleted so many posts this afternoon on these threads and I am not going to delete any more!

What a piss poor speciman of parenting this poor child is receiving - and ATE is right centre stage in it all! She chooses to behave like this towards her daughter! No-one is making her!

attheedge: have you ever heard of scapegoating?

It's pretty common in nuclear families. The family don't feel comfortable with certain emotions/side of their personality, and end up projecting it all onto one family member - usually a child. The scapegoat 'carries' everyone elses 'bad' bits - so everyone else can feel all virtuous.

It's so much easier to blame one family member than to all have to face up to your problems.

My DH was the scapegoat in his family, and has spent his adult life so far trying to deal with it, and to forgive his family. He's got to a stage now (at 33) where he doesn't bother with blame any more, as he understands that they didn't do it conciously, and would have been horrified if they'd realised.

I definitely think family therapy would be the way forward for you. Please consider it.

You know, another thing that sticks in my mind, in July it was her birthday, I gave her money t= go and get her hair done...normally she wouldnt bother with her hair apart from dying it black or purple (etc!) but this time she really went for it, asked the hairdresser to style it and everything and came back with it, very pleased with herself and asked what I thought. Obviously I said it looked great (I genuinly thought it did) and when DH came in she asked him, with a big smile in a nice, pleasant tone (unusual) what he thought...I said "do you like it?" in an upbeat manner and he took one look and said "nope". I was livid, DD didnt kick off like I expected her too, she just took it all out and said she didnt either but it was the first time she'd bothered and I think it knocked her confidence that badly that deep down he confirmed what she thought.

we had a row about it and he said he was sorry and he was just trying to be honest, didnt see the point in lying etc. I honestly don't think he 'gets it'. He comes from a very small family, he was an only child and was wrapped in cotton wool from the minute he was born. I was the first proper relationship he'd had at the age of 42 and he lived with his parents until he was 35. He's very unsociable with EVERYONE, noot just DD but I cant seem to get it through to him that she takes it very personally.

You have not answered my question. Would you allow him to treat your three year old in this way if he started to do so?

"we had a row about it and he said he was sorry and he was just trying to be honest, didnt see the point in lying etc. I honestly don't think he 'gets it'. He comes from a very small family, he was an only child and was wrapped in cotton wool from the minute he was born. I was the first proper relationship he'd had at the age of 42 and he lived with his parents until he was 35. He's very unsociable with EVERYONE, noot just DD but I cant seem to get it through to him that she takes it very personally."

he does not know how or why to be sensitive..especially to a 15 year old who has been thorugh some terrible traumas

until he accepts he is part of the problem and is willing to make some changes...this destructive pattern will continue...

you have a responsibility to stop making excuses for him and to be there for your daughter....

if he'd got to 42 without ever having a relationship, he must be emotionally stunted & immature...did you not know all this before you got married

and if you did...why did you think it would get better??

God, I hope this is a wind up.

Having now read both threads, I don't see what more this poor child can do to try and get her mother's attention.

I spent my teenage years loathing a friend of my parents, who always came round in the evenings, at weekends, he always came on holidays with us, and he was asked to be godfather to my youngest sister.

I was rude and unpleasant to him; in turn he goaded me with nasty comments whenever my parents were out of the room.

I had no control of the situation, as my parents always invited him over, and treated him as one of the family.

Your daughter must feel the same, except that in her situation, the man never, ever goes home, he sleeps in the same bed as her mother, and has now had a child with her.

She must feel as if no-one is listening to her; that her opinions and feelings are worthless.

Looking back now I can see that whilst I would never have got on with this man as we were so different, part of the problem was that I was so jealous of the time he spent with my parents.

I felt he took them away from me - and during my teenage years when I needed them most.

I am saddened that the OP feels stuck in the middle - but I honestly think that if any man goaded my child and behaved in the way her DH does towards her DD1, the decision would be made for me.

I would never let my child feel unsafe, bullied and unhappy in their own home.

She needs to be told how important she is, how loved she is, and how special she is - no matter what she has done in the past.

She is a child, and it is her mother's responsibility to protect her.

You have already broken two important promises you made to her, at a time when she needed stability and understanding.

Now is the time to promise that you will love, help and support her - and keep your promises.

Well it is beginning to have the feel of a Lavender thread TBH!

I think we may well be expending a lot of emotional energy on nothing!

Oh well - time to move on I suppose!

What is a Lavander thread?

I admit I am in the wrong, I could've done things better and I know the promises were big ones to break but honestly, what would you have done? staying in a little council house when we could have a bigger house which would be owned by us?

Her school was more or less saying they were going to expell her if we didnt move her anyway, I thought I was getting her away from a bad crowd and a fresh start at a new school closer to home.

Im sorry some of you think I'm winding you up, believe me, I really wish I was.

I've just read attheedge's last post of Tuesday, 24 October, 2006 5:19:12 PM.

All I'm going to say is ditto to colditz's comment re hoping this is a wind up.

Enough already.

attheedge

a lot of people have told you what they would have done

i have never seem more on a thread before!

you need to reread these threads and really focus on your daughters best interests

you've put a man before your daughter.

nothing more to be said

"I admit I am in the wrong, I could've done things better and I know the promises were big ones to break but honestly, what would you have done? staying in a little council house when we could have a bigger house which would be owned by us?"

Well I would have stayed in the so called little council house. You only saw the larger property and thought, "marvellous". This former home was a big part of her stability, think you forgot that.

Her school was more or less saying they were going to expel her if we didnt move her anyway, I thought I was getting her away from a bad crowd and a fresh start at a new school closer to home.

You moved house, no wonder she had to change schools. The bad crowd she was associating with was only a small part of what was happening at home. Why do you think she was hanging with such people in the first place?. Look at her home life for that answer. Her home life was and still is misery for her.

Will you go to family therapy - you all need to go and work on your own selves here. Otherwise she will in all likelihood become yet another sad statistic. Do you want a relationship with your daughter, truly?. You and her stepfather are certainly going the right way about alienating her completely from her own family - one that she was a part of before stepfather came on the scene.

Your daughter would no doubt also argue that you've always put men before her. She's had three fathers to date which is a hell of a lot to cope with at a young age.

You sound so like that Tait family its untrue. She was saying the same sort of stuff as you are.

If it were a choice between the best interests of my children, even the difficult teenager specimens and a new partner the children would come first. The answer will be lots of love and attention to the teenager. What about some trips out, you and her even if she says she doesn't like it, she probably will. Is there anything at school like sport she does you could go to watch? Your partner is probably irremedially bad at all this but you're th emother so you just have to work around it, make sure your daughter knows what a completelly ineffective step parent he is and where your loyalties lie (to her). of course if he can change and go to family therapy or even have a sufficent IQ to realise that you dn't tell teenage girls they don't look nice then there may be some hope but otherwise the aim must be to keep him and your daughter apart as she moves into adult life so you have some kind of a future relationship with her.