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Relationships

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Original poster

When do I tell my little girl she has a sister?

96 replies

MyBabyHasBigEars · 17/02/2015 09:26

When I met my husband he had a pregnant ex girlfriend. Their relationship lasted a few months and ended before the pregnancy was realised. The baby is now two years old and we have just had a little girl of our own,

My husband pays maintenance but there is no relationship between him, his ex or the baby - they've never met. Please don't judge this, this post is nothing to do with that. If you can accept this and have some suggestions I'd be glad to hear them.

At some point our little one will need to know there is a half sister out there, but how and when do we tell her? I hate the thought that she could get a facebook message or something and feel betrayed that we didn't tell her.

OP posts:

GammonAndEgg · 17/02/2015 09:30

I would tell her now and every few weeks, for the rest of forever.
Use the word 'sister' around her, 'daddy's first baby', use her name. Can you get a photo?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/02/2015 09:30

I think you tell them when they're old enough to understand but be prepared to have a good answer for 'why don't we see my sister?'. It probably won't be us judging why your DH has a child he's never met.

NoStrange · 17/02/2015 09:30

No advice, really, but if/when you tell her, how are you going to tell her that Daddy doesnt see his other child? I dont mean that to sound harsh...but its the truth, isnt it? It seems odd to introduce the idea of another little girl who is Daddy's but Daddy doesnt see. Your partner might need to think about how he is going to explain that before you raise the issue with your own child.

misspantomime · 17/02/2015 09:46

I can't not judge, as someone whose father wasn't (and still isn't) ever around. Unless the mother is literally stopping him from seeing his child (and by that I mean has a restraining order or lives in Syria), then what excuse could he possibly have?

Sorry but I would never have a child or been in a relationship with a man who refused to see his child out of choice. I don't know how you could possibly explain that to your DD. It can't not be judged or talked about because it's part of the explanation you will have to give to her.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 17/02/2015 09:49

Tell your DD immediately. Or just start talking about DD1 / your DSD naturally, as if she has always existed. Because she has. Then start taking steps to bring her into your lives.

Rebecca2014 · 17/02/2015 09:54

I would like to know why he doesn't see her.

Original poster

MyBabyHasBigEars · 17/02/2015 10:29

She's four weeks old so telling her now would be a bit pointless.

I understand that people judge, you're all human, but this post isn't about the back story.

I hoped there might be some experience out there that could help the future.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 17/02/2015 10:30

It won't be a big revelation if you mention things early on do its accepted.

Dito the others though, be prepared to answer questions as she gets older explaining why her father isn't seeing his first born as this may well make her insecure about her own relationship with him.

Messygirl · 17/02/2015 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Only1scoop · 17/02/2015 10:39

I'd tell her quite early on and prepare for the questions and confusion it may cause.

The dc is only 4 weeks though so maybe down the line things may change with their relationship contact etc in the future.

Ineedacleaningfairy · 17/02/2015 10:40

I think printing out a photo of the sister would be a good idea. I think it's a similar situation to when a family has had a child adopted and gone on to have more dc, maybe say that daddy has a daughter but daddy couldn't look after the baby despite loving her very much so she lives with other people.

misspantomime · 17/02/2015 10:46

The problem is, like Madrigals says, it's really impossible for us to give good advice if we don't know what the back story is.

sebsmummy1 · 17/02/2015 10:47

I think you certainly have the time to think about this so don't panic about how's and when's too much. I would imagine a good time would be when you daughter has a good level of comprehension, 4/5 years of age? But I wouldn't be not talking about it in the meantime around her. I imagine it is a topic that comes up as I assume there is a level of communication with the ex girlfriend if she is receiving maintenance?

Anyway, I'm not going to judge your partner on his decisions. Just explain as best you can at a time when you can have a conversation with your daughter and as others have said, expect her to ask why she can't meet her.

titchy · 17/02/2015 10:52

Actually the back story is massively important. Agree you need to just talk about the other child to or in front of your baby - you need to be comfortable using the words in front of her so four weeks isn't too early even though she obviously won't know what they mean, but in time she'll gain bits of understanding and work it out.

That will be where the fun starts. How to reassure her that even though daddy doesn't see or look after her sister he will always be there for her. I imagine she will always have a niggle in the back of her mind that daddy could walk out of her life and never see her again. In all likelihood she will want a relationship with her sister which will be impossible. Those are the issues you need to address.

BeattieBow · 17/02/2015 10:58

right from the start.

As someone who discovered she had a half sister when that half sister approached me on the street as a teenager, I would suggest that it's preferable to always know that there is a sister. The whys and wherefors can be explained later on in age appropriate ways.

Drumdrum60 · 17/02/2015 10:58

I have absolutely no idea why you think that the fact that your dh does not see his first baby is of no importance. It speaks volumes about selfishness and sweeping things under the carpet. You should be highly concerned that he doesn't. Poor thing.

Tmrgl · 17/02/2015 11:02

We had a similar situation. We did have pictures of DSC so referred to them - as your sister/brother and by name.
In answer to your question - from now. Just mention 'your sister' or her name, regularly.

PenguindreamsofDraco · 17/02/2015 11:06

You'll have to handle it so so carefully, lest your daughter 'fills in the blanks' for herself when she's older and concludes that it was somehow the other girl's fault and unless she does X, Y or Z, Daddy will stop seeing her too.

If you're not willing to facilitate a relationship with the other girl, I would get professional help how to address it with your daughter.

Snapespotions · 17/02/2015 11:09

I think it needs to be something that she has just always known about - no big revelations when she is older. Just mention the sister casually and often, and let her ask the questions as and when she is ready.

However, you'll need to think through what you're going to say, as it could make her feel very insecure to know that her dad has another daughter who he doesn't see. There needs to be a good explanation for this when she eventually asks the question.

Snapespotions · 17/02/2015 11:11

In fairness, I don't think the OP has said that it isn't important for her DH to see his older child. She hasn't really passed comment on that. It's just that she doesn't want that to be the discussion on this thread. Which is fair enough tbh.

misspantomime · 17/02/2015 11:19

I don't think it is fair enough because the back story is really important for how they speak to their daughter about her sister. Does OP's DH just not want to see his child? Or is he unable to? They're very different issues.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 17/02/2015 11:27

Sorry OP, I understand what you are saying about not asking about the situation with him not seeing her - and you haven't elaborated, for all we know you are constantly trying to get him to step up.

However, the back story is at the very heart of this, as others have said.

If he saw her and acted as a father to her - you wouldn't have needed to post this. She would quite normally and naturally grow to know her sister as a sister. As everyone does.

Your post exists at all because the question you have is not 'How do we tell DD she has a sister' but 'How do we tell DD she has a sister that she doesn't see and will not know as a sister.

The first question never needed to be asked, by anyone.

The second question is a killer, because the answer you will get is WHY. And there's no way around that.

I couldn't answer that one, if you do want to explain the back story, there could be a lot of help for the taking on here. But without it, I don't know if there's anything more anyone can say except sorry for the situation.

Snapespotions · 17/02/2015 11:30

*Today 11:19 misspantomime

Yes, I agree that it will have a bearing on how they speak to their dd about her sister, but the OP isn't asking what we think of the wider situation.

I'm sure she knows it's shit that her DH doesn't see his daughter, but we don't know whether that's his choice or not, and we don't know whether she cares. It's not fair to make accusations of selfishness when we don't know the back story.

misspantomime · 17/02/2015 11:34

Snapespotions You're right, OP isn't asking what we think of the wider situation but she is asking us how she should go about telling her DD, and advice cannot be given on that without knowing the situation.

ohtheholidays · 17/02/2015 11:35

I would tell her from around 2 years old.This is the age when she'll start to understand.

Hopefully your DH and yourself will be able to have a relationship with his first baby by then.

If you start to have a relationship with his other LO before then I would just start by talking about they're sibling.

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