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Original poster

When do I tell my little girl she has a sister?

96 replies

MyBabyHasBigEars · 17/02/2015 09:26

When I met my husband he had a pregnant ex girlfriend. Their relationship lasted a few months and ended before the pregnancy was realised. The baby is now two years old and we have just had a little girl of our own,

My husband pays maintenance but there is no relationship between him, his ex or the baby - they've never met. Please don't judge this, this post is nothing to do with that. If you can accept this and have some suggestions I'd be glad to hear them.

At some point our little one will need to know there is a half sister out there, but how and when do we tell her? I hate the thought that she could get a facebook message or something and feel betrayed that we didn't tell her.

OP posts:
Snapespotions · 17/02/2015 11:42

You're right, OP isn't asking what we think of the wider situation but she is asking us how she should go about telling her DD, and advice cannot be given on that without knowing the situation.

Actually, she is asking when not how.

misspantomime · 17/02/2015 11:47

She asked how AND when.

Vivacia · 17/02/2015 11:53

I think that the actual details are important, but, on balance I would follow the first reply from Gammon - just mention her naturally every now and again, perhaps in the same way you would mention a significant relative who had died.

Messygirl · 17/02/2015 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snapespotions · 17/02/2015 12:26

OK, my mistake - she does ask how, and the back story is therefore relevant. I still think the accusations of selfishness are unnecessary though.

Oldraver · 17/02/2015 13:44

Its ok saying 'dont judge that he has no relationship with his other child' but if he had a relationship with her than your DD would be part of her life. There would be no rrason to be stressing over when to reveal her sister to her.

Your OH should be taking this opportuntity to sort out some sort of access. Also..... will this other girl know of your DD ?. As there is no access it is possible her mum would never tell her she has a younger sister.

It would have to be a blumming good reason for me to be ok with a partner not seeing his DC's from a previous relationshup

Rosieliveson · 17/02/2015 13:51

I have a half brother we don't see. I don't want to go into the why and where for of it though.
He is someone that my parents talked to us about when we were younger. My dad had a little boy who had a different mummy. He lived with her and my daddy lived with us. We just accepted that. I'm sure we did ask questions about it as we got older. Nothing was hidden.
Congratulations on your new baby too.

lunar1 · 17/02/2015 14:00

I would make sure she knows from the start and that she also knows that when she is older she can contact her sister whenever and you will support her.

I would prepare for her to have a very difficult time when she is old enough to understand that it is possible for a parent to not care , love or support their child. It may completely shake the trust she has in her dad and possibly you as well.

winsomewitch · 17/02/2015 14:10

We're in a similar situation and I just told our DC when he was about 3 by dropping it in the conversation.

I dont want any secrets or nasty surprises in years to come. Ds has asked a few questions over the years but it certainly hasnt shaken his world or the trust he has with his Dad, they have a great relationship.

It doesnt have to be a drama or great revelation if your honest from the start and the chances are your DD will just accept it.

LurcioAgain · 17/02/2015 14:24

Agree that the thing to do is to avoid that big moment of revelation and the "why did you keep it a secret?" conversation by mentioning it as early as possible. (My DS is the result of donor sperm and I never wanted that to come as a big shock to DS, so he's always been told the story of where he came from in age appropriate terms - nice doctors helped mummy because she couldn't have a baby the normal way, nice man gave the doctors half the baby ingredients they needed).

The key things are: no huge reveal of big secret in later life (that one is shattering, I can tell you from experience); age appropriate explanations; explanations which avoid blame and don't get the children to take sides in an adult conflict (so if she's withholding access, your child doesn't need to know, if he split so acrimoniously he doesn't want to see her, again, your child doesn't need to know). Remember there are issues about which you can say "That's a grown up thing, and I'll explain it to you when you're old enough to understand."

Original poster
MyBabyHasBigEars · 17/02/2015 16:48

Thank you winsome - that was helpful.

My husband has never met his daughter, we don't have pictures and there is no contact at all with his ex apart from a direct debit into her account.

I think we will mention it young to our little girl and then there are no huge shock revelations. We'd find it hard to facilitate contact as we have no contact details and it's not wanted on either side however if it's important to our girl I'm sure we could help her.

I do completely understand the various reactions from outrage to disbelief as to why there's no contact but there isn't. Thank you to those who've seen past that to offer their thoughts. And to those who can't see past it thank you too - I understand.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 17/02/2015 17:14

We'd find it hard to facilitate contact as we have no contact details and it's not wanted on either side however if it's important to our girl I'm sure we could help her.

Begs the question, is it not important to your husband's first daughter?

cleanmyhouse · 17/02/2015 17:16

Hurrah for rosieliveson

Mybaby good luck. I reckon what rosieliveson said was the best answer. Kids understand and often accept really basic explanations, and when they need to know more, they'll ask. Be honest, in a way that is age appropriate. As she gets older, she may want more details and then you can give her the back story. And actually, she is the only one that needs the back story.

Original poster
MyBabyHasBigEars · 17/02/2015 17:23

Yes - thank you clean and Rosie. If his daughter does want contact in the future then that's something to think about then. My concern now is our daughter. I think we keep it matter if fact so it's no big drama. I just so dearly want her little world to be safe, secure and happy.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 17/02/2015 17:24

Do you really have to tell her. I don't think I would if there was no relationship between your DP and his ex.

Original poster
MyBabyHasBigEars · 17/02/2015 17:31

Vivien - well I'd rather she never knew but id hate for her to get a message on Facebook one day etc. so I'd rather we told her than anyone else. Of course it is tempting to bury head in sand and hope it never comes to light.

OP posts:
Brandysnapper · 17/02/2015 17:31

It would be easy enough to make contact. Stop the payment into the account and I am sure the mother will get in touch with you. I would worry that your dd might think that one day daddy won't see her either.

Bluepants · 17/02/2015 17:31

One of my friends was approached by her half sibling as an adult. It happened at her workplace (that's how sibling tracked her down). It's something that for your dd's sake you shouldn't keep secret and you should tell her in a fairly casual way when she is little 3 or 4 ish. But be prepared as although you don't want to put details on here, your dd will ask you those questions and your dd may also tell people - little kids are not good at keeping secrets! Also you should consider how far away the other girl is in case they actually meet somewhere by accident.

88blueshoes · 17/02/2015 17:35

The best option of all is obviously to find some way of them having contact and getting to know each other.

If that's really not possible, all you can do is be open about it from a young age. I think the worst thing you can do is wait until she's older and it becomes a big revelation.

Viviennemary · 17/02/2015 17:38

I think it will be very difficult to tell her about this other child in the abstract as it were. I think it would be better if they actually met. I don't know if a child of two or even a bit older would understand the concept of having a half sibling. I can see why you wouldn't want her to find out when she was a lot older though.

littleleftie · 17/02/2015 17:47

I have two half sisters from my fathers first marriage.

For various reasons there was no contact between him and them.

I managed to track them down when I was about 14 (this was no mean feat!) and am just so glad I did. I love them both dearly and one in particular is a very important part of my life and my emotional support system. We only ever refer to each other as "sister" never "half sister" as we just do not see it that way.

If you have chosen to be with a man who chooses not to see his child then you will have to tell your DD just that - that Daddy doesn't want to see her sister. How on earth she will view him I do not know, but I hope she doesn't think it is because her sister is "bad" in any way?

No way would I keep this a secret, only an utter cunt would do such a thing.

lunar1 · 17/02/2015 18:07

I think it's also important that your dd knows that it is her dads choice not to see his other child, she should know that her sister is in no way responsible for her parents behaviour.

matchstickpopper · 17/02/2015 18:08

I'm sorry you just seem so much more concerned about your own child than your husband's other daughter, I really can't get my head round that. Without knowing the back story I can't say much but if your DH actively chooses not to have his daughter in his life and you are content to allow that I think it is disgusting. Untold damage will be done to the child he has abandoned if that is the case. And if a man can do that to one child he can do it to another.

littleleftie · 17/02/2015 18:14

A friend of mine married a man who had not one, but TWO ex girlfriends with a child each who he never saw. It suited her that he didn't see them or pay for them

Guess what happened a few years after they had a child together?

Oh the shock Shock!!!!!!

NoStrange · 17/02/2015 18:14

'Its tempting to bury our heads in the sad and hope it never comes to light'

IT never comes to light...what, you mean your partner's firstborn child?

Seriously...I am aghast. Just WTAF?

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