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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

When do I tell my little girl she has a sister?

96 replies

MyBabyHasBigEars · 17/02/2015 09:26

When I met my husband he had a pregnant ex girlfriend. Their relationship lasted a few months and ended before the pregnancy was realised. The baby is now two years old and we have just had a little girl of our own,

My husband pays maintenance but there is no relationship between him, his ex or the baby - they've never met. Please don't judge this, this post is nothing to do with that. If you can accept this and have some suggestions I'd be glad to hear them.

At some point our little one will need to know there is a half sister out there, but how and when do we tell her? I hate the thought that she could get a facebook message or something and feel betrayed that we didn't tell her.

OP posts:

ashtrayheart · 17/02/2015 20:21

My bio father was in my life until I was about 3 then he went off with another woman and had 3 more children. He didn't bother seeing me any more but my half sisters (who I met up with in later life) inform me that my picture was on display and they always knew of my existence. He's a shit dad apparently...
If your dp has chosen to not see his child then I would be concerned for your own daughter. My dp would never ever give up on his children.

MadameJosephine · 17/02/2015 20:38

The fact that your DP does not want any contact with his own child should raise massive red flags. I wish I had had the sense to realise this when I met my DS's father. He had a child from a previous relationship but had cut off all contact. He then did the same to my DS when we split and to his third child he had with his next partner so that's 3 boys raised with little or no input from their father. I realise it's with the benefit of hindsight but I would view with massive suspicion any man (or indeed woman) who could just wash their hands of their own child and move on as if nothing has happened.

Original poster

MyBabyHasBigEars · 17/02/2015 21:12

Wow. There's some hate in here. I'm not going to comment again.

OP posts:

NoStrange · 17/02/2015 21:19

OP, I think people find it very hard to understand how a man could have no contact with his child. That's all.

I wonder if deep down, just weeks after having a baby yourself, you find it hard to understand, too?

I get the strong impression that your refusal to 'explain' is because you know you really can't explain or excuse it. You know its not on.

I hope it all works out for you, and most importantly, for the two little girls involved.

TabbyNicki · 17/02/2015 21:21

talk about it when you dd can understand, then it just becomes normal

Vivacia · 17/02/2015 21:35

I agree with OP in so far as some comments have gone too far.

lalalonglegs · 17/02/2015 21:37

OP - I'm not sure hate is the right word, I think it is more anger at the way your husband has apparently abandoned his other child and your seeming willingness to collude with him...

sara11272 · 17/02/2015 21:40

OP has said that neither side (her DH nor his daughter's mother) wanted contact so it seems to be a mutual decision. I'm not sure OP needs all this anti-feeling.

WorkingBling · 17/02/2015 21:43

I actually know a couple of people in similar situations. Their parents handled it differently but in one case, the truth came out when the children were still very young and there is no doubt it was a much better outcome.

Instintively I agree with many of the posters that how can this man be a good father to op's dd? However, having watched other situations for a very long time I have learnt that these things are more complex than they seem. On all sides. That's not to say it will be perfect but I don't think assuming evil intent or character on op's dp is helpful or particularly accurate. People are complicated.

Quitelikely · 17/02/2015 21:56

OP sorry you had a bad time on here. But sometimes people speak from the heart.

I think it's fair to say that your dh wasn't and is t thinking from the heart with regards to the other dc. I genuinely hope that this does not come back to bite you on the butt in the sense that he has compartmentalised one child so he could do it again.

The harsh response is because on some level your dh is being unreasonable and inhumane.

Good luck with it all.

pictish · 17/02/2015 22:07

I don't think I could love a man who swept his own child under the carpet. I'd think there was something severely and worryingly lacking in him to be capable of doing that.
I know there's a lot of absentee/disengaged/uninvolved through their own choice fathers out there. I wouldn't be making a baby with any of them, because they're evidently not fit for the job.

mameulah · 17/02/2015 22:12

I will pm you when I am less tired. We have a similar situation to cope with.

Also, I wouldn't have ever thought that I would marry someone in those circumstances either. No judgement.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 17/02/2015 22:14

I have a half sister I've never met, born in similar circumstances. I found out about her when I was 16. My dad was a shit dad and I finally cut him out of my life about 3 years ago. So now he has 2 daughters he never sees. I don't think being told about my half sister when I was a child would have made any difference to my relationship with my dad really. If he can be so void of emotion that he doesn't see his own child then he doesn't really have the emotional capabilities to be a decent parent.

Quitelikely · 17/02/2015 22:17

Yyy to Pictush

ScrambledEggAndToast · 17/02/2015 22:17

Doesn't it bother you that your husband isn't interested in his own child?

Doesn't really say much about him.

Quitelikely · 17/02/2015 22:17

Ha ha ha Pictish was what I meant!

MsHighwater · 17/02/2015 22:31

OP, the back story is your business and not ours. Make it something you speak of so that she always knows well before she understands and starts to ask questions. But she will ask questions and probably before you expect her to so be prepared to answer them honestly. It also means that if contact is ever made, you and she can handle it better.

MsHighwater · 17/02/2015 22:31

Oldraver · 17/02/2015 22:32

Wow. There's some hate in here. I'm not going to comment again

See ya in two years when he's abandoned your DD and moved on to another

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 17/02/2015 22:46

It's not hate, OP.

I think it's no coincidence that you posted this now, now that you've had your own child and have actually realised what he's capable of doing. I hope so, anyway.

Try and sort it out, if you do want your child to be safe and secure - that goes for whether her father eventually bails on her too, or not.

Good luck.

WereJamming · 17/02/2015 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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