Here goes (deep intake of breath)

[Mango88]

I've been reading LOTS on here lately and so much rang true. Just want to get some perspective on my own situation. Married 15yrs (together 20) with one early, one mid-teen, DDs.

We have always argued almost cyclically and, while I am sometimes in the wrong, it always seems to be me that makes all the running to make it ok again. I don't do conflict that well esp when it drags on :-( Should add here that I have social anxiety which is often the route of our arguments as we moved to a small village a few years ago which is really social.

He often sulks/blanks me if there's been a row. Won't answer my calls sometimes. If I try to open the lines of communication to discuss the argument he says he's not talking about that now.

After a horrible NYE when I didn't want to go to a village party when he did, things were awful. He sat in another room that evening, went to bed really early and suggested cancelling the NY Day lunch out we'd booked with the girls. I agreed I needed to tackle my social anxiety and have since done lots of work on myself with a fantastic self-help CBT programme.

Anyway, cut to last weekend and he'd been out with a friend to play golf whose wife is a psychologist. She is lovely but I'd never bring my SA up with her as she's the type who'd make me her project!! Out of the blue over dinner, he says that, from little things the husband said, she's obviously 'sussed me out' as she would normally snub anyone who has cancelled on her (I pulled out of her book club) but she suspects there are issues with me.

I got upset as it was quite insensitive the way he said it and reiterated how I'm really working on the SA and have come on loads. He said he can't see any change from how things were a year, two years or more ago. I got more upset (really crying now) but he just sat there ranting on that I have no idea of the hell he's going through with various parties going on in our village and us not being invited to anything anymore.

Feel so bad because elder DD ended up hugging me and saw me in tears. This week he won't discuss if he meant what he said, is leaving without saying goodbye in the mornings, saying he can't answer my texts because he's in a meeting. Sorry for going on.

I have sympathy for your DH in as far as he likes going to parties and you don't. An incompatibility like that is unfortunate. But I don't think blabbing to his golf pals and then 'ranting' at you is helpful in the slightest. Sounds like bullying to me, in fact.

You say you have 'always argued'. Do you think that, rather than being socially anxious as an internal 'condition', your problems are actually a result of being the victim of regular bullying? Is your anxiety a product of your toxic environment

It sounds as if your DH is emotionally abusive in the way he behaves towards you. I have had social anxiety all my life. It is an exhausting battle. Have you tried hypnotherapy or EFT (emotional freedom technique). Both have helped me and are quicker and easier than CBT.

I don't think any form of medical treatment or therapy will remove a bully from your life. Perhaps you need a lawyer?

I think I'd be socially anxious if I were living your life.

I'm not sure he sounds like a bully. I discuss relationship issues with my friends all the time, isn't this normal?

OP you sound very unhappy. How long have you had SA?

He ranted at her until she was in tears and had to be comforted by her DD. He sulks/blanks her if there has been an argument. They argue 'cyclically' and the OP has to be the one to do all the running to make the peace.

That's a bully.

Thanks CogitoErgoSometimes, I have always had SA but I think I would have got a lot more confidence over the years if I'd have support at home. You're right, I know he is bullying - we all had a disastrous holiday last Summer because of his moods which culminated in me telling him that when we were back. His reaction was to say bully was a very strong word and he didn't know if there was any way back for our relationship once I'd said that. I ended up back pedalling and saying maybe bully was the wrong word

Fluffybrain, I will def look into hypnotherapy and EFT. Good to hear from someone who gets it.

MorrisZapp, I've had SA since my teens in varying degrees. Fine in a work situation etc, only comes out in terms of socialising. DH does tend to 'abandon' me the minute we get to a big gathering which I find hard but that's something I need to get over in terms of working on my anxiety.

Sorry, me again, should add that I'm feeling more and more like he moves the goalposts every time I try and make positive steps towards resolving anything. Girls and I would far rather live in the town where they go to school (all their friends are there and they feel quite isolated where we are) and I'd be happy in a little house but the two things that hold me back are that I'm terrified of how distraught they'd be if we separated and how I'd manage financially. I have a small p/t job and a small amount of savings in my account that he doesn't know about.

The word bully is akin to abuse which is why he didn't like being called out. I told an abuser he was abuser. He screamed at me and put phone down. He worked in me until I retracted it. Then when the cycle of abuse went around again he ended up screaming abuse again at me for bring soooo angry that I would call him abusive. Thus proving himself to be an abusive idiot!
You say you've read a lot on here. So I am guessing you are wanting reassurance that he is EA. He does sound it. Is he controlling too? Obviously he wants to control your social life. Anything else? SA is another issue. I know this because I have it and had way before I was in an EA relationship but as you already recognise being with him doesn't help that at all.

Fluffybrain, you're right. I know he's EA. He doesn't control me other than emotionally. I guess the problem is that the SA means I don't have a lot of friends and those few I do have all know us as a couple so I don't feel I can talk to them about it. I have made the mistake of offloading to my mum (who has never judged me for not leaving) but obviously that's not ideal as it's awkward when it all 'blows over' yet again. Having said that, she witnessed it first hand when we stayed in their villa with them on holiday. He and I rowed and he actually locked me out of the bedroom. I was so ashamed in front of my mum.

Incompatibility breeds people behaving in undesirable ways. That feeling of being trapped for whatever reason is so suffocating. You are both probably reasonable people who would be better with someone who likes what you like. Sometimes things just stop working and sometimes you have to stop flogging the proverbial dead horse. You BOTH deserve to be with someone who gets you and enjoys what you enjoy whatever that is. One of you has to be brave here x

Everything you're describing is pretty classic emotional bullying, I'm afraid. Separation is obviously a daunting thought but look at the childhood they're having now. Ruined holidays, mother in tears, father sulking and stropping about in a mood. I don't know how old they are but children can be very protective of what they perceive as vulnerable parents, often blaming themselves for not being able to make your life better.

I'm sorry that you have a history of mental struggles but yes, I do think your relationship and your environment are making you more unwell than is strictly necessary.

"I should add that I'm feeling more and more like he moves the goalposts every time I try and make positive steps towards resolving anything"

And that is also one of the many weapons in an abuser's arsenal.

On a much wider level what do you think your DDs are learning about relationships here; would you want them to date or be in a relationship with a man akin to their dad?. Your DDs are all too aware of their dad's behaviour towards you.

Attila, that's a real fear for me. I have said to them that it's not the way a healthy relationship should be but I'm not exactly backing that up in my actions. I'd hate for them to be in a relationship like this. They deserve better and so do I.

He does not have to control you other than emotionally; they do not have to hit you to hurt you and his emotional abuse of you likely goes back many years as well. Abuse like this is indeed insidious in its onset.

You are not the only one here suffering from all this; its affecting your DDs as well because they are picking up on all the bad vibes.

You get nothing good from this relationship and I would seek legal advice to find out exactly where you stand legally. I would also suggest you talk to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247.

Locking you out of the bedroom is a controlling behaviour. Have you read 'why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft?
Does he control the finances? The 'blow over' bit is part of the abuse cycle. Read the book and maybe let your mum read it. Unless she understands abuse she won't see why this is happening to you.

I can see both sides to be honest - I think your DH is handling the situation really badly, but then supporting people with MH issues is not easy. I don't blame him for being frustrated. That doesn't excuse his insensitive behaviour though.

Do you always have to go to events together? My DH is much more introverted than me so I quite often go to social gatherings alone and mumble something vague about him feeling ill or having to work early. It's no big deal, there are usually other people there on their own too.

Are there online support networks for the partners of people with SA? maybe you could encourage him to join one? That might make him a bit more understanding and constructive.

"I have said to them that it's not the way a healthy relationship should be but I'm not exactly backing that up in my actions. I'd hate for them to be in a relationship like this. They deserve better and so do I".

Indeed you do, you all do. Start reclaiming your lives back.

Your social anxiety is a separate issue and one that he keeps on chucking at you as well. He uses that against you.

Blimey, I should have read the whole thread before posting. Reading your updates, his behaviour is more unreasonable than I thought from your first post.

I think your anxiety problem would improve massively if you weren't constantly appeasing your dh.

As for whose wife is a psychologist. She is lovely but I'd never bring my SA up with her as she's the type who'd make me her project!! Out of the blue over dinner, he says that, from little things the husband said, she's obviously 'sussed me out' as she would normally snub anyone who has cancelled on her - well, doesn't she sound professional?? If indeed she said that...

I think you should see a therapist - find one you can trust. If the first one doesn't suit, find someone else. Don't just book someone for what your dh sees as "your problems" though - you need someone who'll allow you to talk about everything. For that reason, I would avoid CBT or other short-term therapies. I think you'll find things will become a lot clearer once they're out in the open. And I don't think you're the problem.

I agree - your environment is very bad for you.

As far as your girls are concerned, they see you being bullied and him ranting at you until you cry. They are in their teens now and if you did separate they would be able to see their dad whenever they wanted, which does make things a lot easier.

I can understand him wanting you to go to parties but then he abandons you when you get there! He could have gone on his own, couldn't he?

I would imagine that astute friends will see the relationship between you two and will recognise that he is a bully and that this is the reason you are anxious.

Whatever you do long term, I think you should stop running after him whenever there's an argument. Don't text, don't phone. That makes him happier and more satisfied when you do that. If he texts you, don't respond. Let him know by your actions that you are very unhappy - don't go chasing him.

I really hope you do take the chance to live without this man - I think you'd flourish.

You don't have a social anxiety problem.

You have a 'ground down and self esteem destroyed by a nasty EA bully' problem.

Perhaps you should tell him that next time. That the narrative has changed. And maybe he should be the one getting treatment...

I don't see why he can't go by himself? I have things I like to do and do them without DH.

The fact that he can't do that means you're incompatible.

Thanks all. I'm going to start looking into legalities and, in the meantime, not emotionally run after him this time and be needy like I usually do in the name of trying to make everything alright.