Here goes (deep intake of breath)

[Mango88]

I've been reading LOTS on here lately and so much rang true. Just want to get some perspective on my own situation. Married 15yrs (together 20) with one early, one mid-teen, DDs.

We have always argued almost cyclically and, while I am sometimes in the wrong, it always seems to be me that makes all the running to make it ok again. I don't do conflict that well esp when it drags on :-( Should add here that I have social anxiety which is often the route of our arguments as we moved to a small village a few years ago which is really social.

He often sulks/blanks me if there's been a row. Won't answer my calls sometimes. If I try to open the lines of communication to discuss the argument he says he's not talking about that now.

After a horrible NYE when I didn't want to go to a village party when he did, things were awful. He sat in another room that evening, went to bed really early and suggested cancelling the NY Day lunch out we'd booked with the girls. I agreed I needed to tackle my social anxiety and have since done lots of work on myself with a fantastic self-help CBT programme.

Anyway, cut to last weekend and he'd been out with a friend to play golf whose wife is a psychologist. She is lovely but I'd never bring my SA up with her as she's the type who'd make me her project!! Out of the blue over dinner, he says that, from little things the husband said, she's obviously 'sussed me out' as she would normally snub anyone who has cancelled on her (I pulled out of her book club) but she suspects there are issues with me.

I got upset as it was quite insensitive the way he said it and reiterated how I'm really working on the SA and have come on loads. He said he can't see any change from how things were a year, two years or more ago. I got more upset (really crying now) but he just sat there ranting on that I have no idea of the hell he's going through with various parties going on in our village and us not being invited to anything anymore.

Feel so bad because elder DD ended up hugging me and saw me in tears. This week he won't discuss if he meant what he said, is leaving without saying goodbye in the mornings, saying he can't answer my texts because he's in a meeting. Sorry for going on.

Don't apologise about the SA thing tipsy :-)

Suggesting he gets a short term lease somewhere but we don't tell DDs until then is an option. He was saying something about getting a flat with a lease that starts in 3mths time or something. Unless I misheard that and he said a lease for 3mths.

I truly don't know what I want to happen next other than for it all go away which isn't very realistic . Kind of just want to go to sleep and wake up when it's all stopped. In an ideal world, I'd love some breathing space for me and the DDs away from him but w/o the girls getting upset; but that means me staying here for now and him still paying for everything because I couldn't afford the mortgage, let alone anything else on top on my own. I think it would maybe help me get my confidence up but I don't know why I think that - however, I'd still feel reliant on him re finances. I'd probably still panic if it came to actually finding a place on my own. Think the foggy head is back :-/

To make myself feel better yesterday I photocopied his half yearly bank summary, pension stuff etc and hid it away.

Honestly, the best possible thing you can do for your DDs is get them away from this man. They have been conditioned, like you, over many years about how to behave and react.

Leaving will always be difficult, but would you want your girls to be married to a man like this? They are learning that this is what a relationship should be like. Speak to a solicitor, speak to one of your friends or is your boss at work kind? I used to be a line manager and often had staff ssking for personal advice (i think because i wasnt a "friend" but a neutral person who still cared about their wellbeing).
Also womans aid - goodle the freedom programme.

You are clearly a strong, articulate woman, you can do this and your DDs whilst hurt in the very short term will be far better off in the medium to longer term,

Good luck

Hi rollme, I have an appointment booked for next week for a free initial consultation with a solicitor hopefully. I probably could speak to someone at work as quite a few of them have been through breakups or divorces at some point! Everything you say is right and rings true. It's just so, so hard but I'm trying to stay strong and think it's prob harder because I'm at home for half term this week (I work in a school). Thanks so much.

He's a piece of work, isn't he? He doesn't get what he wants, so immediately goes for what he sees as your weak spot: the DDs. {because it's always worked before?] I would not be surprised if they cope surprisingly well if he leaves. I think he's got them on edge about whether he's leaving or not, and when it does happen, they will adjust really quickly.

However, I think it unlikely he would leave and that will be an end to it. He'll be trying to hoover you back in, playing mind games etc... But at least with him out of the house, you'd have him away from the kids and you'll have somewhere to get away from him, and see him on your terms.

Your reply made me smile plainjanine - that's just what a friend at work used to say every time I asked about her ExH: that he was a piece of work! You're spot on though, the DDs are my weak spot and my priority, obvs. And, yes, it probably has worked before.

I would wish with all my heart that you are right that they will be better if does actually go. But I also agree that I don't think that would be the end of him.

Finally opened up to my mum today and told her everything as they're going to be out of the country for a month from this w/e. She was gobsmacked at the latest but not surprised as she knows he has 'form'.

Weirdly, since we've tried to at least speak to eachother vaguely normally for the DDs sake, I get the feeling he thinks things are better in some way and going to go back to 'normal'?? I keep having these weird moments where I think I could just make it all right again and we could forget all this, but then I get a reality check and realise I can't go through all this again from scratch. I really need to try and detach a bit emotionally as I'm feeling constantly ill with all the mental stress of it.

Sorry, ended in a bit of a ramble but just wanted to say thanks for the smile :-)

Mango is sounds like you are at the start of a long road - it will be hard but you have made the first few difficult steps.
Hopefully your mum will be supportive emotionally.

Have you read about the cycle of abuse? If it was terrible ALL the time then you wouldnt stay. These reprieves where its ok makes you feel like you cant leave.

He wont change and even if he did could you ever truely forgive and forget what he has already done?

Best of luck with the solicitor app, you will find out what you and the girls will be entitled to. Another little step along the road.
Take care

He's a nasty shit. Call his bluff re the flat. Tell him, yes, that's a good idea. I'd like you out by the weekend.

I bet your dd's will be much happier and less anxious without him around. He sounds VILE.

Your really not going to want to hear most of what I am going to say but I hope that it might give you e perspective on your situation and some of the advice you are getting here.
I am a man who is married to a woman with many social phobias and associated mental disorders. Over the years we have removed ourselves from many social situations and now have no friends with whom we socialise other than family (Mainly her family).
I realise that I have allowed this situation to develop and have throughout our relationship taken the path of least resistance.
With regard to your husband, I have often found myself frustrated by my wife's self debilitating behaviour and when I have tried to talk to her with regards to this I have often become irate and over vociferous. This behaviour IS threatening but not intended to be so and I have always regretted and apologised for it. I'm pretty sure your husband does not wish to decline into the cycle of argument which comes about but the pattern has been set and it is very hard to change it on either side.
If your husband is abusive in other ways physically or mentally then I think you should consider protecting yourself and perhaps ending this relationship. However if he is a good husband and father in all other areas then I think you need to face up to the fact that he has gone as far as he can in supporting your social phobia and that you both may need counselling to break the patterns you have both become accustomed to.
I wish you both the best with your relationship and hope you can heal this rift.

Firewalkeruk you don't know what you are talking about.

Firewalkuk you say you are pretty sure Mangos husband does not want to decline in a cycle of argument. Are you really pretty sure of that? Do you know about emotional abuse and that it is cyclical? Do you know that it is a cycle that is created and perpetuated wholly intentionally by the perpetrator? No you don't! You know about your own experiences of living with a person with social phobia/anxiety. You do not know about domestic abuse. So you are not equipped to advice in this situation.

Glad you can still smile, Mango.

Look at how much happier you are without him there, and how much better his behaviour toward you is [however temporarily]. If you let him back in, he'll be back to normal within minutes. :-(

The moments when you think you can make it all better, or make it work are exactly what he's depending on to get back through the door and resume where he left off.

Stay strong. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

firewalkeruk Over the years we have removed ourselves from many social situations and now have no friends with whom we socialise other than family (Mainly her family)

I am bit concerned about you, actually. As many people have already said on this thread, most people are capable of going to social events by themselves if their partner is more introverted or, in this case, has a phobia. I don't think it is healthy for anyone to isolate themselves from their social network when in a relationship.