Threatened by teenage son, "D"H won't back me up

[jinkers]

I have a 14 year old son, who is aggressive, unpleasant and argumentative most of the time at the moment (he has been for the last couple of years- it's hard bloody work). My husband's way of dealing with it is to leave almost all the parenting to me, despite me begging for help; he never involves himself in anything like sending him to bed, consequences for bad behaviour etc. He has history for diminishing me by treating me like a squabbling child when I'm trying to get our son to behave reasonably e.g. not sitting on phone when having a meal with family. Last night my son (now much taller than me) physically threatened me when I was trying to get him to brush his teeth (by telling him to do so, no physical contact) - I should have known better but I appealed to husband for help...his response was to say to son that he needed to negotiate better. No telling him not to use physical threats, no telling him to get to bed, no understanding that I was upset. I ended up having to continue dealing with teenage hell, husband went back to playing his guitar. Feel despairing because I might as well be a single parent, and feel completely unrespected and unloved by both of them.

It seems like your son is mirroring the dismissive attitude if your husband towards you pretty accurately. Why not leave them both for a while and let them sort themselves out?

It sounds like you could really do with a break.

Think you've summed it up pretty well, sadly. I just feel so despairing that this is what our family's like. Taking a break physically away from them would be very hard for practical reasons, but if I could, I would.

You won't find a family without some problem. If you washed your hands of coping with your son, would your husband take over or what would happen? Like, it seems as if you shouldn't have to remind him to brush his teeth at 14.

they are both behaving very badly, but you need to disengage from your son.

so what if he doesn't clean his teeth? he'll get a smelly rotting mouth, but he's 14, he knows that.

Threatening you is awful - I've been there (my DS is now nearly 16 and a bit better)
You need to tell him calmly that you will not engage with him if he uses threatening behaviour/language

you should also tell them both that you feel disrespected and unloved

use the word "I" not "You are disrespectful" even though they are

Regarding teeth brushing, as long as your ds knows what will happen with poor dental hygiene I would leave him to it. He'll soon start brushing again when he wants to attract a girlfriend!
Are you constantly nagging him? Could you sort the important stuff from the unimportant stuff? He's growing up and needs to start taking responsibility for certain things.
Physical threats are completely unacceptable. Your DH needs to be on board with this but how you go about convincing him to step up is another matter.
You say you can't get away, why is this? Do you have younger children?

I have been thru this over the past couple of years. Here are th MN threads that I posted that might help you. The worst was STBXH endorsing the behaviour - the best was involving the school counsellors - they said they see this alot - and take on helping these boys to turn them on into men - as "they do not have a proper male role model at home" - I also involved the police. I learnt that you nip it in the bud, that STBXH was never going to address it. It is threatening behaviour and even without the contact of a punch is DV and a crime.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2288966-DV-from-16-year-old-son-how-can-I-help-him

My threads on MN from which I hope you can find some support/recognition/ideas how to handle.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/2288906-Abusive-violent-son-What-to-do

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1599899-Is-being-an-avoider-a-marriage-deal-breaker

You need to address it for your DS as well as yourself, for someone elses daughter and for your younger dc who do not need to witness this or see that it is normal - some one else will report him in future if you dont - and his future relationships will be a disaster.

A quote I read recently was that "sunlight is the best disinfectant" - for me it was a shameful secret - being open in RL sorted it.

That thread mylife posted might be really good to read, along with that poster's other thread Living with Mr Passive Irresponsible

Like father like son.

My passive aggressive ex walked away while my teenager was hitting me. Since I kicked him out we have no difficulties at all. I would advise picking your battles with your soninvolving the police if he threatens you and getting rid of your husband who wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.

Sit him down & tell him that he is legally old enough to be dealt with by the police & if he'd threatened another adult outside the home he would now be in serious trouble.
Then tell him that if he doesn't clean his teeth they will rot.
If he doesn't shower/put dirty clothes in the basket/occasionally tidy his room, then he will smell.
OK son, you're a young man now & as your mother, I've spelled out the consequences of your behaviour.
I will ask you once to do xyz, then it's up to you.

My DS is often last minute for the college bus & I've just started back at work. I'm afraid I said to him, "If you're not ready, I can't take you to college now because I'm back at work. You're not staying at home, ohhh No, nice try sweetheart I'll drop you off on the main road, (miles away), & you can wait for the next rural service bus. His backside is now out of the door before mine every morning

Wow Kittybiscuits you contributed to my PA thread above that Meera has helpfully posted -- didnt know that your experienced DV from son as well. Looks like a pattern.

Thank you so much to you all. I really needed some support today, and you have all helped. Have had to go to work, but will read through other threads later.

Oh, regarding "D"H, he wants nothing to do with parenting, so take him out of the equation. Maybe not in the short term, but long term your son will appreciate your parenting.
I say to my son, " I'm doing xyz, because I love you/to keep you safe & you have to understand that my role as your responsible parent, (I tend to say Mother), can't always be sugar & almonds.

Don't let his Dad be a Disney Dad & point out, in an adult & calm way, that you are doing/saying xyz for his benefit.

Sounds to me like you are micromanaging your son. You have some vision of what he should be like and he's just not conforming. You are nagging about small things. What are the positives? Is he good at football? Gets on with school friends ? Balance the good with the bad and have a lighter touch then his anger towards you won't build. He's still a child he wants you to appreciate him.
I know from experience that only positives work. Does it really matter that he's on his phone? Etc. just let it go. Stop trying to control him. Have more confidence that he will choose the right things by example and not force.
Sending a 14 year old to bed is ridiculous. You are telling him with your nagging that you don't trust him. He is his own person not an extension of you. Positives all the way. Reap the rewards.

This is not part of normal every day living, your son sounds like he needs help with his temper and you should never feel threatened, your husband is a coward, leaving it to you to deal with whilst he plays his guitar. I would hold a family meeting and explain what you need from both of them, if they can't or won't agree then go your separate ways, the longer this goes on the longer your son will disrespect you, he's taking his lead from his dad which is to show you that he thinks very little of you, you'd be better raising child on your own.

A few posters have pointed out that I shouldn't need to be telling a 14 year old to brush his teeth, go to bed etc and you're right. I have tried withdrawing from this battle several times, and said that I expect the phone to be off, in bed etc by x o'clock. He simply doesn't do it, regardless of consequences, and I 'm drawn back into a battle. But the real problem is that I feel completely unsupported, unappreciated and alone in my parenting of him (and in a lot of my marriage, in fact).

It sounds like the problem is your husband. Over the last 14 years he has shown your son that you are someone to not be respected, to not be valued and to not be listened to.

Have you told your husband that you feel alone and unloved? Does he give a shit or has he dismissed your feelings?

Honestly, don't get drawn in to the petty battles. So what if he doesn't go to sleep at a certain time? What if his breath stinks? Leave him to it. He will have to learn to self-regulate.

No. That's not what was said. If he doesn't always do what you say then let it go. Balance is key. Re read what posters said. You are making it a battle. Have a lighter touch and see what happens. Why does it bother you so much that he doesn't brush his teeth. Sounds like he's at boot camp to me. Are you sure you know what good parenting is?
Leading by example. Treating them as individuals in their own right. Letting them make their own decisions but give them the tools to make the right choices.
Big up positives. Balance negatives. You seem to think he should obey you. Why?
And I suppose you want dh to be as rigid as you.
I don't support him being aggressive but back off the confrontation over small details. It isn't working so try a new approach. Good luck.

Get rid of your useless Dh. Life will dramatically improve.

The next time he threatens you - phone the police. I've begged a family member to do it but she won't even when her df dragged her around by her hair. Your son need to see a consequence. Not just to you but in life in General.

At fourteen I'd relax on the brushing teeth and bed time. I would just expect him to stay in his room chilling quietly.

Drumdrum... I don't know how your teenage son is, and it may be all sweetness and light and only positives round your gaff, but a teenager who is challenging as Op's son sounds (and as mine was) also requires some consequences (i.e. negatives) in place for when the positives run out.

At 14 years old some boys still require a lot of guidance and active parenting. Some kids constantly push boundaries to see what they can get away with - it's part of growing up. If you don't set consequences for those times then the kid has no boundaries and in my experience will feel more insecure.

OP my late ex-H was similar in the way he undermined me with our son. I would tell him to tidy his room. I would give him a deadline of X hours to tidy, or everything I found on the floor would be going in the bin. He failed to clean his room (and I gave him plenty of reminders and offered to help, let's make it a game etc etc) so I threw all the stuff on the floor in the dustbin. Videos, pens and pencils, comics, bits of lego, as well as plenty of ACTUAL rubbish that he hadn't been bothered to put in the bin. In fact his wastepaper basket was the cleanest thing in his room

So the next day I came home from work and my useless LXH had got all his stuff back out of the bin for him and it was back on the floor.

2 days later I told him I wanted a divorce. It was far easier dealing with my son after that, than with someone constantly undermining me.

I can just imagine you following him into the bathroom and loading up a toothbrush.FFS you have control issues. Maybe start up a strict regime like a boarding school. If he doesn't eat his porridge he must eat it for supper.....Timothy.....he'll end up like Ronnie Corbett.

Drumdrum You think it's controlling to teach a child how to keep their surroundings clean?
Or that if they want to have relationships with human beings, that they give people the respect to talk to them and not sit there on Facebook all throughout dinner?
Or that your teeth will rot if you don't brush them?

Do you actually have teenagers?

Ok take your point. I absolutely agree it's just that there no examples of serious misconduct other than not brushing his teeth and using his phone inappropriately so I presumed OP was sweating the small stuff. But having said that I wouldn't put childrens stuff in the bin. Hardly leading by example is it ? Sounds like escalation to me.