Threatened by teenage son, "D"H won't back me up

[jinkers]

I have a 14 year old son, who is aggressive, unpleasant and argumentative most of the time at the moment (he has been for the last couple of years- it's hard bloody work). My husband's way of dealing with it is to leave almost all the parenting to me, despite me begging for help; he never involves himself in anything like sending him to bed, consequences for bad behaviour etc. He has history for diminishing me by treating me like a squabbling child when I'm trying to get our son to behave reasonably e.g. not sitting on phone when having a meal with family. Last night my son (now much taller than me) physically threatened me when I was trying to get him to brush his teeth (by telling him to do so, no physical contact) - I should have known better but I appealed to husband for help...his response was to say to son that he needed to negotiate better. No telling him not to use physical threats, no telling him to get to bed, no understanding that I was upset. I ended up having to continue dealing with teenage hell, husband went back to playing his guitar. Feel despairing because I might as well be a single parent, and feel completely unrespected and unloved by both of them.

You stated that OP pays bills therefore it was her rules. I was trying to make you see it from another point of view.

Look I know it's bloody hard work and I'm glad mine are grown up. We don't all have the same opinion. So if it works carry on. I'm not as black and white in this matter as other posters. Didn't mean to offend. Good luck .

Sorry, at work so keep disappearing. Pocketsaviour- if I try to discuss this with H he either becomes ridiculously defensive, saying that he knows he's a rubbish husband and father, or treats me like an unreasonable teenager. I am beginning to despise him for his behaviour, sadly.

The trouble is, that there is a lot of different advice on this thread, lots of different styles of parenting, and you don't know which to choose.

People tend to use the parenting style they grew up with or think that a rigid disciplinary approach works. It has to be that way with a class of 30 teenagers. But your own child? Sit with them listen discuss and value their opinion. Treat them as an equal. Talk to them not at them. Spend time with them. Value their opinion and compromise. Can they make rules for themselves eg. No laptop after 10 equals not tired at school equals good exam results equals new football game.

Jinkers, why don't you tell/agree with your husband that you will deal with DS, setting boundaries and dealing with his attitudes, however DH must agree to not undermine you in anyway and ask him to agree that if your son gets overly aggressive he will step in and not allow it to happen. It may give you confidence to deal with DS without interference and at least your husband knows what you expect him to do.

I fear the DP won't change now, this has probably been going on since baby days. I totally understand your frustration at your DP OP, it must be so hard for you to try and enforce basic simple rules whilst he sits back and doesn't back you up, there's nothing worse than feeling your partner has not got your back, it makes a situation ten times worse.

Sit him down, show him this thread, it may shock him into realising that his son needs to be dealt with by both of you, it's not your job to be mum and dad when dad is sitting there playing his guitar.

I would not show your H this thread under any circumstances.

Ask yourself this question. What has your son learnt to date from the two of you about relationships?.

What did your H learn about relationships when he was growing up, was his own father that disinterested as well?.

Your son's father was likely very much the same at this age and look at how he turned out. Your son is now mirroring that same dismissive and disrespectful attitude. If your H does truly realise that he is both a rubbish husband and father (rather than just pay lip service) then why has he really not done anything to address that to date?. I would not be at all surprised to read that you are actually alone in all the areas of your marriage tbh. Your H's main concern in life appears to be him and him alone.

I actually think that you and your unsupportive H need to be apart; you cannot keep what is really a sinking ship afloat by yourself.

Does your husband have any qualities? I would struggle to be with someone like him.

One of my cousins had a go at my aunt once. After a "word" from my uncle, believe me, he didn't do it again.

Jinkers, can you tell us a little bit about what your son was like btn 4 and 8 years and 8 and 12 years and how you both responded to behaviour you found unacceptable? Reflecting back now might give you some clues as to his current threatening behaviour.This is a good article by a child /adolescent psychologist along the lines that drum's been talking about...

www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/early-teens/positive-discipline-teens

Agree with drumdrum and judgejudy.

Judge "Jinkers, why don't you tell/agree with your husband that you will deal with DS, setting boundaries and dealing with his attitudes, however DH must agree to not undermine you in anyway and ask him to agree that if your son gets overly aggressive he will step in and not allow it to happen. It may give you confidence to deal with DS without interference and at least your husband knows what you expect him to do."

.....ie nothing!! - how ridiculous.

This discussion is not about differing parenting styles - it is much more serious than that - it is about DV - and the exact point where it starts and is endorsed - so that it carried on for a lifetime and through the generations.

The incident that OP described was much more than slack parenting it was a threat of physical violence which is DV and a criminal act - the DH should have stepped in to help - like any normal human being when a person is under threat of physical attack.

In what other situation would you tell the victim to not seek help and just manage it themselves.

There's always been a pattern of me being the more involved and interested parent, and having to tiptoe round husband to a certain extent (although he has never been remotely physically threatening he becomes even colder and more sullen than usual). DS has always been boisterous, but we were very close. He was physically affectionate and loving (DS, never husband). I plan to speak to DS today about what he did, and I think he will take it seriously. The real problem is communicating with DH in a way that we don't fall into the same pattern as usual which means I feel guilty for upsetting him and like I am the bad parent.

Does anything in this link resonate with you? Do think your DH could be passive-aggressive?
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2275725-Anyone-else-end-up-as-an-angry-banshee-after-living-with-Mr-Nice-passive-irresponsible?

if I try to discuss this with H he either becomes ridiculously defensive, saying that he knows he's a rubbish husband and father, or treats me like an unreasonable teenager.

Wow, that is really passive-aggressive and totally unacceptable! Check the link that mylife posted because I'm definitely seeing some parallels.

I have just separated from my PA husband - I absorbed all the PA shit directed at me for 30 years. Him abdicating responsibility for parenting is one thing - but then him actively undermining my standard basic parenting from the beginning resulted in DS attacking me whilst he stood by and watched - this in-action endorsed that DV was acceptable to my son. I wanted better for my children to the husband had to go.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1599899-Is-being-an-avoider-a-marriage-deal-breaker?pg=8

Mylifepart2 thank you for the links to your previous threads, I've bookmarked them to read later today (I'm at work at the mo), but just a quick glance through and some things resonate with me already.

Jinkers, how are things today? Have you managed to have a discussion with your DS yet?

Have read other posts...ridiculous that I haven't identified his behaviour as passive aggressive before. I am going to investigate ways of dealing with this, and also try to have a weekly family meeting, as suggested up thread. How both of them will hate that, but I'm going to try. Thanks to everyone who posted suggestions.