Threatened by teenage son, "D"H won't back me up

[jinkers]

I have a 14 year old son, who is aggressive, unpleasant and argumentative most of the time at the moment (he has been for the last couple of years- it's hard bloody work). My husband's way of dealing with it is to leave almost all the parenting to me, despite me begging for help; he never involves himself in anything like sending him to bed, consequences for bad behaviour etc. He has history for diminishing me by treating me like a squabbling child when I'm trying to get our son to behave reasonably e.g. not sitting on phone when having a meal with family. Last night my son (now much taller than me) physically threatened me when I was trying to get him to brush his teeth (by telling him to do so, no physical contact) - I should have known better but I appealed to husband for help...his response was to say to son that he needed to negotiate better. No telling him not to use physical threats, no telling him to get to bed, no understanding that I was upset. I ended up having to continue dealing with teenage hell, husband went back to playing his guitar. Feel despairing because I might as well be a single parent, and feel completely unrespected and unloved by both of them.

I'm just saying there are different and less confrontational ways to teach things.

Drum- there are plenty of incidents of serious behaviour I could post about, but this post wasn't really about them. I really don't micromanage him; despite his behaviour I try to "let him go" as much as possible. This post was about my husband's lack of involvement in parenting, and lack of care for me.

Thanks Callooh - where we live half term doesn't start until tomorrow....can hardly wait.

It was a bit extreme, but bear in mind this was after weeks of persuasion, bribery, talking, deal-making, threats, promises and minor groundings. For some reason he had chosen this as his battleground and he was just insistent on pushing that boundary. Obviously I would not have gone for the bin strategy as a first go!

In OP's case her son has threatened her physically - that is something which needs serious consequences. Not just because it's unacceptable to her, but also because if he thinks it's okay to do that, he's going to wind up in a lot of trouble.

OP - do speak to school, my son's were loads of help when he had anger issues. (He never threatened me but did use to hurt himself and get into fights at school.)

Ok I get it. I know how hard work it can be when you are the one taking all the responsibility.

I don't agree with let him do as he pleases, it's your home, your rules and they are hardly strict, clean your teeth and don't disrespect, the basics of human kindness, how the hell will he manage in the real world, will he just continue to ignore everyone else and suit himself, god help him then.

You have control issues because both your son and partner have no control over themselves.

Pocketsaviour - I completely understand why you were driven to do what you did. I think I may contact school, as I really need some back up on this, and it's obviously not going to be forthcoming at home.

I have 3 DS, aged 20, 15 and 11.

Pick your battles, your son loves you and at the moment he has a lot if testosterone that he's struggling to control.

I found the following useful to do:

If he won't wash etc. Remind him but then leave him to it, peer pressure etc will sort it, as soon as he realises he's going to be the smelly kid on the bus.

Phone use: don't top up his phone when he needs credit and turn the house internet off at say 10pm on a school night. (My boys leave their phones/laptops on the landing at the agreed time every night). This works in our house and he will respond in a few weeks/days when he knows you mean business. Give him his phone/internet privileges back when he agrees to follow the rules.

Untidy room: Tell him you will take away anything not in the correct place. My son thought I was joking until I filled a bin bag of all his fave clothes he'd left on the floor and his console games and took them away. He had to earn them back one by one by keeping his room tidy, and he did.

Aggressive behaviour: He knows its wrong and when he is calm explain to him it isn't manly to threaten women, you know its his hormones (don't blame him) and tell him he must count to ten or walk away if he feels like that, learning to cope with anger as a man is part of growing up, tell him you are proud that he is getting so big - he needs reassurance from you still. Do explain if he was to push/strike you you would get the police involved.

Your husband: words fail me, but I know when my sons have got aggressive with me he has been ready to defend me if I needed him and has also had a quiet word about behaviour expected as an older teen. Your husband needs to do the same not pretend it has nothing to do with him.

It isn't easy OP but your son loves you and he will work with you, just stand firm and keep showing him love.

Judgejudy- wish I could invite you to live in my house for a few weeks! I will try speaking to him tomorrow when we will hopefully both be calm. Part of last night's problems started when 20 mins after he was told to put his phone on the landing he hadn't done so- I should have confiscated it I suppose.

Nobody has said let him do as he pleases.

Jan shouldn't it be his home too . What a strange notion.

Jinkers, I've found confiscation doesn't work, if he won't hand it over you get into a tussle which is embarrassing for both of you. If you make his phone useless to him then he will see the benefit of handing it over on good terms.

I really sympathise with you, my oldest at 13/14 pushed me when I was at the top of the stairs when we were arguing and I fell halfway down. I phoned the police, I had no choice really as it all happened in front of the other DS's and I couldn't lose face and let them think that was how to treat Mum when you can't get your own way. The police had a quiet word (and scared him) but even then it was a relief when he got to 17 and seemed to be able to hold a conversation again. We are very close again now.

Its hard but keep going, it will get better.

Judgejudy - thanks for the glimmer of hope. The stair incident sounds horrible- good to hear that you have a reasonable relationship now.

Drum, if you read back at least two posters have said leave him to it re his phone, bed time and teeth brushing, that's pleasing himself in my book.

When did I say it wasn't his home? It's the OPs rules in the home, she pays the bills I assume, brushing your teeth, not bringing your phone to the table and not showing aggressive behaviour to your mother is pretty basic I'd say, manners begin at home, your child is a product of you, I'd certainly not be allowing my child to behave this way either in the house or out of it. As has been said, the dad's the issue here, the son is taking the lead from him.

drumdrum-0can you tell us about your teenagers and what strategies you use please?

I see how demoralising this must be for you. I think what he's doing is known as "malignant mirroring" so if he's been brought up with lots of threats himself, which didn't need to be physical ones, he's now mirroring these back to you, sadly with physical threats. I would worry that calling the police etc would escalate an already unpleasant atmosphere and it seems that outside help is needed -family therapy, school counsellors etc. At 14, yes there are hormones and brain rewiring going on, but he doesn't seem to have skills of emotional self regulation. From what I understand, all children, like adults, react differently to the threats/punishments they receive when their brain is still developing and I think a psychotherapist specialising in family therapy would help you all enormously. Not sure if this is helpful but my eldest is 8 and we've been having weekly family meetings since he was 6 and it's suprising how much more empathetic I've become and how much more cooperative he's become simply by everyone knowing that their voice is heard. I know that's not comparable to what you're describing but he's a teenager not a fully grown emotionally abusive mas so I'm seeing it more from the perspective of him feeling his voice is not being heard and resorting to unacceptable challenging behaviour

My teenagers are now grown into early twenties so I suppose I'm not in the battle zone. Maybe I'm looking back with rose tinted glasses. I'm just offering an alternative approach as this one wasn't working. It's just about balance really and letting them be as responsible for themselves as possible. So if dd didn't brush her teeth but had won a prize at school I'd let it go. Or if she had shown kindness to someone or whatever.
I just think taking a rigid approach doesn't work with all children and all they do is rebel and fight back.
Or let them go to bed smelly but offer good advice when they are being open and friendly. It isn't about letting things go it's about picking how and when as to avoid confrontation with young hormonal beings.
I'm just suggesting other strategies. It's about empowering them to make the right choices on their own through example and encouragement. May take longer I suppose and be very trying. But we are the adults and surely we should be modelling tolerance not confrontation and threats.
I am not condoning aggression I'm suggesting how it doesn't have to get there.

Sesamechoc good point I agree. Listen and let them be part of the decision making process. Compromise.

Education and intervention strategies are my field of work. All children are different so try different approaches till you find the one that works. Rigidly demanding certain behaviours rarely works as they don't feel they have any ownership.

YY also to what Drumdrum has just stated above ^

Children like order and balance and stability, they thrive on it, if the house rule states no mobile phone at the dinner table then the child should easily follow that - if the child wants to have rotten teeth then fair do's, I'd still remind said child that they should be brushing their teeth.

I don't think it's about responsibility, you can teach them that too and still have rules in place, it's about basic respect.

^But we are the adults and surely we should be modelling tolerance not confrontation and threats.
I am not condoning aggression I'm suggesting how it doesn't have to get there.^

I absolutely agree with this drumdrum. But if one parent is undermining the other, it becomes well nigh impossible.

It became much easier for me and my son once his dad was out of the picture. He is 19 now and we have a great relationship. He has also said to me that although he moaned a lot at my rules when he was younger (e.g. switching his laptop and phone off at 10pm on a school night - I used special software for this btw as I worked late and needed wifi on for me) he knows now they were for a good reason. And that because I always said what I meant and stuck to what I'd said, the flipside was that he knew that when I said "I'll always be there for you" that I really meant it. Awww.

OP how do you see your way forward with your H? Do you think the two of you can agree on parenting choices? Are you able to talk about stuff like this or does he just brush it off?

Jan you say that because the adults pay the bills they should make the rules to be rigidly carried out. Does this follow then that a SAHM should do this for her dh if he is the earner? Do what he says how and when. No doubt we would all say this is abuse.

Drum: When did I say rules to be rigidly carried out - I stated aggression and disrespect should not be tolerated, simple as that.

As for your 2nd point, I'm not even going to respond.........