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Original poster

Is this emotional blackmail?

56 replies

norush1205 · 15/02/2015 23:20

Good evening all; another bloke here! I'd like some opinions from the ladies regarding my current situation. I was in a long term relationship which fizzled out several years ago; we fell out of love; I moved out but we have remained friends.

5 months ago I met my current lady friend and made her aware that I was still on good terms with my ex. All was well to start with but last week she suddenly decided that she couldn't cope with me being friendly with my ex, and unless I stopped all contact with her, we were done.

So ladies, am I being unreasonable to stay friends with an ex? I'm prepared to let the new lady walk away as this is emotional blackmail in my book and I'm not going to be dictated to.

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 15/02/2015 23:29

No, it's not emotional blackmail, she is telling you how she feels and what she wants. You have the choice to put up with it or not. If there is no reason to be threatened by your ex I don't see the problem, but then I don't know all the facts.

Are you some sort of 1950's man with your 'lady friend'? We are women, well I am anyway.

Joysmum · 15/02/2015 23:38

I guess it depends on who's most important. Nothing's more important to me than my DH's feelings, but then, I respect him enough to know he'd never emotionally blackmail me. That's a dreadful thing to think and if that's what you feel she's capable off then you'd be mad to stay together.

Shil0846 · 15/02/2015 23:39

I think more information would be helpful. It depends on how friendly you are with ex (eg how often you meet up / call / text) and whether ex has moved on or is still relying on you for emotional support.

If new GF has been fine with situation for 5 months what has suddenly brought it to a head?

sooperdooper · 15/02/2015 23:42

I don't think it's emotional blackmail, it's just how she feels, she's entitied to express an opinion and you're entitled to take it on board or say no your friendship with your ex is more important and move on - has she explained why your friendship makes her unhappy?

Jackw · 15/02/2015 23:44

Though to be honest if you're prepared to let the new lady walk away out of stubbornness you probably aren't that bothered about her so you should let her go find someone who is and stop wasting her time and emotional energy on you.

LineRunner · 15/02/2015 23:49

If you're prepared to dump your new girlfriend over this, maybe your new girlfriend has a point?

I suppose it depends n the nature of the contact and 'good terms'.

Unless you can go into detail on that, it's impossible to say.

Original poster
norush1205 · 16/02/2015 00:00

Ex is waiting for a knee replacement so I sometimes walk her dog as she's unable to. Absolutely nothing going on between us and hasn't been for many years. Have explained all this to the new lady but she's adamant that I should sever all ties with the ex. Yes I'm prepared to let the new lady walk, not because I'm stubborn, but because her fears are totally illogical and I don't feel it bodes well for a long term relationship anyway.

OP posts:
penny13610 · 16/02/2015 00:08

You have introduced your girl friend to your good friend, haven't you.

Whocansay · 16/02/2015 07:27

I wouldn't like this kind of controlling behaviour. She has no business telling you who you can and can't be friends with.

I suspect it starts with this and then she'll find something else that she 'can't cope with'.

I'm a bit puzzled by the above posters who think it's OK for new partners to call the shots like this, tbh.

WildBillfemale · 16/02/2015 07:36

But there are Exes who are friends that stop for a chat on the rare occasions they bump into each other and there can be exes who are so involved in each others current lives it clouds future relationships.

There has to be some element of 'clearing the decks' when you start a new relationship, if an ex is hanging around like a bad smell it's not good (no matter how much you state you are just friends).
Your new girlfriend has hung around for 5 months probably hoping that as you got more serious the ex would fade further into the background but as it hasn't appeared to happen she's kind of got a point.
Your ex is an ex for a reason - let her fade away.

Original poster
norush1205 · 16/02/2015 07:37

penny ex is happy to put gf straight but gf not willing to talk to her.

whocansay Thank you for that; I knew I was right to let her walk away; thin end of the wedge and all that.

OP posts:
WildBillfemale · 16/02/2015 07:44

lol so 'the ex is prepared to put the girlfriend straight'

That's your problem right there, the Ex wants to remain the most important female in your life, you've prioritised her over your current girlfriend. Giving her any input into this at all shows who is most important to you and that's what the girlfriend has picked up on.
Doesn't the ex have any other friends who could walk her dog? or is it very convenient for her to keep you hanging around.

Your friendship with your ex appears pretty toxic if she wants to interfere with your current relationships. She should not come into the equation AT ALL.
No it's not emotional blackmail - your girlfriend has picked up on a pretty toxic situation that you aren't seeing.

Original poster
norush1205 · 16/02/2015 08:08

Wild Ex doesn't want to cause a rift with gf and has told me she'd understand if I didn't want to come round anymore. I don't see why current gf should dictate who I can and can't be friends with; just shows she has insecurities which need addressing. Anyway, moot point as I won't be chasing after her.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 16/02/2015 08:09

So you now have two ex girlfriends?

Quitelikely · 16/02/2015 08:12

I think you should put yourself in her shoes, would you like it if she was walking her exs dog and having regular contact?

I doubt very much you will find someone who thinks it great that you are involved in your exs life.

It's not blackmail, your current gf wasn't happy and gave you an ultimatum, she is quite entitled to do this. It's not blackmail.

Quitelikely · 16/02/2015 08:13

'Come round anymore' how often do you go round there?

Original poster
norush1205 · 16/02/2015 08:25

Line plenty more fish in the sea Wink

Quite It wouldn't bother me in the slightest if she was walking her ex's dog once a week. If there's no trust in a relationship then what's the point?

OP posts:
MojaveWanderer123 · 16/02/2015 08:27

Aww how chivalrous of your ex to offer to step down from her pedestal.

I think you've just proved her point and I think your new ex is better off out of it.

hijk · 16/02/2015 08:33

It is not emotional blackmail. She has told you she is not prepared to live with this situation, and informed you that you need to choose, and you have chosen, and the matter is closed.

BathtimeFunkster · 16/02/2015 08:33

I doubt very much you will find someone who thinks it great that you are involved in your exs life.

Confused

I think the world is full of women secure enough to accept a new boyfriend's existing friendships.

I agree with you OP. I wouldn't "fade away" someone who had been in my life for years on the say so of someone I met 5 months ago.

gatewalker · 16/02/2015 08:37

I doubt very much you will find someone who thinks it great that you are involved in your exs life.

Oh, bollocks! Really, I believe the majority of replies here are utterly two-faced and would never have been written had the OP been a woman and her ex a man. Never.

OP, I agree with you too. Your recent ex sounds insecure and controlling, just from what you've said. I wouldn't want someone like that in my life. I am on very good terms with my ex husband and if a new partner suggested I broke ties with him, that would tell me all I needed to know: not about my relationship with my ex but about my new partner's insecurities and how he would expect me to 'behave' in the future.

flipchart · 16/02/2015 08:39

If a new boyfriend of mine started telling me who I could and couldn't be friends wit, whether they were ex's or not I would be worried how it would escalate and what he would want me to give up next just because he didn't like it.

I am friendly with a few of my exes, they were nice people when I met them and they still are nice people. DH has never once said I shouldn't be friends with them otherwise he would leave. As long as. You are not pineing for your ex, and it doesn't sound like you are I would carry on being friends.

LineRunner · 16/02/2015 08:40

I think it's genuibely hard to say without the detail.

How often does OP visit the Ex, and for how long? Every weekend? Every day? How does it impact on his weekend time with the (also now ex) girlfriend, e.g.? Dogs need a lot of walking. They are a major commitment.

BathtimeFunkster · 16/02/2015 08:42

And if I had a friend who started "fading away" long term friendships because their new squeeze was jealous, I would be concerned about them and I would not think well of the person making these demands.

cleanmyhouse · 16/02/2015 08:44

I don't think it sounds like emotional blackmail, i sounds like shes given you a choice and it sounds like you have decided which way you're going to go with it.

I don't think shes sounds unreasonably insecure. If your attitude is "there's plenty more fish in the sea" it doesn't sound like a particularly secure relationship in the first place.

That said, I don't see why you should have to give up a good friend.

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