Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this emotional blackmail?

56 replies

norush1205 · 15/02/2015 23:20

Good evening all; another bloke here! I'd like some opinions from the ladies regarding my current situation. I was in a long term relationship which fizzled out several years ago; we fell out of love; I moved out but we have remained friends.

5 months ago I met my current lady friend and made her aware that I was still on good terms with my ex. All was well to start with but last week she suddenly decided that she couldn't cope with me being friendly with my ex, and unless I stopped all contact with her, we were done.

So ladies, am I being unreasonable to stay friends with an ex? I'm prepared to let the new lady walk away as this is emotional blackmail in my book and I'm not going to be dictated to.

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 16/02/2015 08:45

It's not really that hard to say.

After 5 months of dating, you should not be asking someone to completely cut contact with people.

5 months in you take as you find.

If your new fella is too tied up with an ex for your tastes, you back off.

You don't start making ultimatums.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 16/02/2015 08:47

I wouldn't ditch a long term friend on the say so of a new relationship.

It would actually be a deal breaker for me. The lack of trust and the need to control who I could see? No!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/02/2015 08:53

New romantic partners that take exception to old flames are not necessarily terrible people. A lot depends on how sensitively you're handling the contact & how attentive you are to the new partner. If your dog-walking services are eating into the time you spend together, for example, someone might be reasonable in taking exception to it. If your new partner is a very insecure person (perhaps they've lost someone to an old flame in the past) then that's really their problem

This is going to sound very ageist but does the fact that there is a knee replacement in the mix mean that you're all quite mature people?

Quitelikely · 16/02/2015 08:58

Yes it's ok to be friends with people but on what level, what is the level of contact, is it regular meet ups, email, text contact etc?

IMO it does not necessarily point to an insecure person.

What they will tolerate depends on a variety of things but does not mean they are insecure etc.

And OP yes without trust a relationship can be fraught with issues but trust has to be earned, you can't just go skipping around merrily with an ex and demand that you are afforded it.

It will be interesting to see what happens when your ex meets someone new, btw did she dump you?

Rinkydinkypink · 16/02/2015 09:01

It is quite controlling of her but also she's being honest about how she feels about the current situation. Also depends on who you put first. If your ex still comes first then maybe you need to reassess your priorities. That's not going to make any woman feel good (part from your ex!).

She's giving you the option. For her she needs you to cut contact. If you can compromise with her over the time you spend with your ex and put your new gf first that's sounds like a good plan. If she can't do that and needs you to go NC then that's a decision you've already made.

Some people would understand her others wouldn't. If you can't see her point and therefore can't go ahead with what she needs your not right for each other regardless of whether its emotional blackmail or not.

Dont play games with each other. End it and move on.

BathtimeFunkster · 16/02/2015 09:03

A normal secure person would not be issuing demands like this.

If you think your new boyfriend is hung up on his ex, you just bow out.

You don't start competing to be "number one lady" Grin

pictish · 16/02/2015 09:11

Yes it's a form of emotional blackmail. I wouldn't thank any bloke telling me who I can be friends with, whether it's an ex or not. I f I say "there is nothing untoward in it, we are just friends and have been for a few years now" I would expect him to accept that on my say so, not ignore my assurance go on to issue an ultimatum.
OP you're quite right not to engage in this crap.
First the ex, and then whatever displeases her next.
No thank you!

pictish · 16/02/2015 09:13

P.s I am on friendly terms with two exes myself, as we are part of the same social circle. Dh's ex is his oldest friend's sister who we see with regularity.

No ultimatums here!

Goldmandra · 16/02/2015 09:19

It depends on how involved you are with the ex and how much the new girlfriend is genuinely welcome to be part of your friendship.

If you walk the ex's dog together and, when you do meet her, it is together and there are no 'in jokes' between you or even the mildest hint of flirting, if your ex is genuinely friendly and welcoming to your girlfriend and doesn't try to assert the fact that she had you first, I can see no problem with you continuing with the friendship. This would be a deal breaker for me too as I wouldn't want to be with someone who wanted to control my friendships.

Think carefully about the nature of your friendship with the ex and how you interact together and you will have your answer.

Wotsitsareafterme · 16/02/2015 09:23

Ex is waiting for a hip replacement and you sometimes walk her dog. I cannot see why any rational person would have the slightest issue with this its a kind and reasonable thing to do.
Op I think your instincts are correct.

Original poster
norush1205 · 16/02/2015 09:25

Thanks, I do appreciate all your comments. Just to answer a couple of questions, I go round once a week to walk the dog when there's nobody else available, so I'm unable to see the problem there; yes we are all mature adults Grin

It's nice to know I do have some support for my actions; I wouldn't dream of dictating who my partner could or couldn't see, and expect the same in return; it's called common courtesy. I also do odd jobs for another widowed lady in the village, so would it have been her to go next? I may have just dodged a bullet Hmm

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 16/02/2015 10:21

"I don't like you seeing your ex" = OK
"I don't like you seeing your ex, so stop it or we are done" = controlling

pictish · 16/02/2015 10:28

Well said Boney.

pictish · 16/02/2015 10:37

It's ok for her to express her insecurity and concern.
It's not ok to insist you jump to her gun, by way of threat.

BathtimeFunkster · 16/02/2015 10:40

I don't think either of those things is OK after a few months of knowing someone.

OK is "I'm not enjoying dating this man because he spends too much time running about after his ex. It's time to call it it a day." said TO YOURSELF

After a few months it's fine to break up if you are not happy.

But it's not OK to criticise the was somebody lives their life and their choice of friends.

Asking someone to drop longstanding friends for you is just bananas.

I'm amazed at the responses on this thread.

BuzzardBird · 16/02/2015 12:23

Actually, you sound lovely and you are right, she is controlling you. It's all a bit me me me.
Your ex is lucky to have you still in her life.
My DH still does favours for his 2 ex fiancees and I am not bothered in the slightest.

Original poster
norush1205 · 16/02/2015 14:38

Ah thanks Buzzard I do try to be fair but you're right, it had started to become a bit "me me me" so I think I've done the right thing even though she did have some really nice qualities. Onwards and upwards Wink

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 16/02/2015 15:26

Yes, I think it is emotional blackmail. (Although it does depend on what you mean by 'on good terms'! If it's a question of the two of you hanging out occasionally, I think that's fine. If it's a question of you spending the night at your ex's, rushing over all the time etc. etc., I'd say that's definitely not).

However, I do think it's normal for people to have anxieties about these relationships because for some reason we live in a culture where we behave as if grownups are still teenagers, and everything is black and white, so there aren't many paradigms for this kind of friendship. I would sit down and explain to your partner that you are going to stay friends with your ex, but that there is absolutely nothing for her to worry about. Invite her along to your meetups to make this clear!

shovetheholly · 16/02/2015 15:28

I should add: it is perfectly possible for women not to feel jealous of an ex. I am best friend's with my DH's ex (they were together for 5 years). She's a wonderful person, a right laugh, and I feel like I've gained a sister as well as a partner.

badtime · 16/02/2015 15:55

I am really shocked by this thread.

An ultimatum is not necessarily emotional blackmail, but it can be; I think telling someone they have to stop being friends with someone or get dumped definitely is.

If the OP was a woman and her partner was trying to control who she could be friends with, I think we would have seen very different replies.

SolidGoldBrass · 16/02/2015 16:00

Bin the new girlfriend: she's an inadequate whinyarse who will get worse.
People should always be dumped at the first signs of needy clinginess: it's not your responsibility to pander to spoilt, self-obsessed failures.

Original poster
norush1205 · 16/02/2015 16:22

shove My ex and I last shared a bed about 6 years ago; we've ended up more like brother and sister so I'm reluctant to end our friendship all because I've been given an ultimatum by the new gf. I take the dog out for a good walk once a week and my ex makes me a cuppa before leaving; nothing more to it.

I tried so hard to explain this to the now ex gf but she was having none of it and said unless I severed all contact with her (the ex) it was over. Oh well, she's probably done me a favour Smile

OP posts:
ThePinkOcelot · 16/02/2015 16:26

I cant believe people are saying this is ok! Would the answers be the same had the op been a woman?! I dont think so! Im sure the word controlling would have been used...more than once!

Anyway, op, I agree with you. No one, and I mean no one, should tell you you can and cant be friends with! If you gave in with this, what else would you becowtowing in the future?!

Roussette · 16/02/2015 16:28

As long as you aren't on the phone to your ex all the time and putting her above a current relationship, no way should anyone dictate who you are and aren't friends with. I find it pathetic that someone would do this after only 5 months.

My DH's ex gf hung around quite a bit of the time when we were going out, he'd known her far longer than he'd known me at that point, I felt she still held a torch for him, but I put up with it because there was no way I was going to say who he could be friends with. This carried on after we were married and I think he actually got a bit fed up with her and I don't think they've been in contact much over the last decade or so, but that happening was not down to me! She wasnt my cuppa, I didn't particularly like her, but she used to come here for a meal etc and DH would sort out some of her IT problems. Trust is the key and OP, your new ex didn't trust you and was demanding.

Original poster
norush1205 · 16/02/2015 16:36

ThePink thanks, I appreciate your comments. Rousssette same goes for you. Flowers

I was getting some flak at the start of this thread so nice to know I have some support over this matter.

OP posts: