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Original poster

A pathological liar?

68 replies

Appleandbanana123 · 15/02/2015 10:38

...and it's my relationship worth saving?

DP has lied to me about a number of things, most of which would eventually come out and his lies were all about making the right impression. However, they've wrecked my trust in him and I question how well I know him.

He lied about:

  • the number of children he has, because he wasn't on speaking terms with one of them at the time?!?! I found out through one of this children that there was a sibling in the equation
  • the number of times he's been married, although I knew that there had been another woman before his last ex-wife whom he has children with. This is bizarre as it has no impact on us, after all the relationship was there either way
  • my engagement ring, which he had bought for somebody else but, according to him, changed his mind about asking her. I found out when I found an old picture of the ring with his stuff, from many years ago, and challenged him on it. He swears that the ring was never given to anyone, however the picture was described as 'ring alteration' when sent through by the jeweller.

As you can see, I had a 'smashing' Valentine's yesterday Wink. The second (or first) marriage thing came up on Friday night and we've been sleeping in separate rooms since. We were out all day yesterday and we already had something planned (and there was no chance that I was going to throw tickets etc away), and he did try to regain some sense of normality throughout the day. He did apologise at one point, saying that he shouldn't have lied, but there has been no proper conversation and he's barely speaking to me. What I really want to do is to confront him, get conversation going and decide how we are going to resolve this. However, I feel that he needs to take stock and take the lead with sorting out this mess, whether is by coming clean with stuff and giving us a chance or sorting out the practicalities of our break up.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 15/02/2015 10:40

Run for your life.

Levismum · 15/02/2015 10:41

Seriously?

Run...!

Oscarandelliesmum · 15/02/2015 10:42

So sorry Apple, what a shit of a valentines day and what a shit of a partner. I would run a mile.

gamerchick · 15/02/2015 10:43

Yep run.

My ex lies about stuff he doesn't even need to lie about. You get tired and run down with it all and it never, ever stops all of their life.

FolkGirl · 15/02/2015 10:45

Yes, run! That's awful. How long have you been with him?

You will never know whether you are being told the truth.

Original poster
Appleandbanana123 · 15/02/2015 10:45

thank you oscar, it wasn't the best. I think what I really want is to know the truth behind it all, regardless of what happens to the relationship itself. I don't know why it matters but I would like to know what the true story was about the ring, for example. All these stories... I have no idea who he is, do I?

OP posts:
Joysmum · 15/02/2015 10:47

Theses aren't little white lies, they weren't for anything that was make and break. He lies because he doesn't respect you enough to tell the truth, worse still he's self deluded and can you imagine how bad his lies will be when the shit hits the fan? Could you ever be able to trust and rely on him when you both are under pressure and need to be able to?

Original poster
Appleandbanana123 · 15/02/2015 10:51

game & folk I've been reading about liars and that's what many people seem to say, that it never ends. We've been together for 2 years and living together for just over a year.

I have tried to be practical about things. So with the ring, what would I have done if I had proposed to somebody but it hadn't worked out (ring dutifully returned), for example? After my ex-husband, I had a long term relationship where my partner proposed. He's now married to a lovely lady and they have two children. Does it matter that he proposed to me before meeting her? Obviously not. And does it matter about the history of the ring?

But with other stuff, it's almost like he wants to be found out as there is no way that this wasn't going to come up at some point. In fact, I pretty much knew it as the both ex-wives have taken on his surname and very few people do that unless they are married. So what was the point of that other than give a better (???) impression of himself?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/02/2015 10:52

You'll never know 'the truth behind it' if the only account you have is his. Hmm Like the Boy Who Cried Wolf, even if he tells you the truth you won't believe it. Cut your losses rather than sticking around to hear more fairy stories.

Original poster
Appleandbanana123 · 15/02/2015 10:54

joysmum yes, I do believe that there is both a lack of respect for me and empathy to how it makes me feel when the truths comes out. Every time, it has felt like a slap on the face.

A fragile ego and somebody who was to paint a good picture of himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Appleandbanana123 · 15/02/2015 10:54

sorry, 'has'!

OP posts:
DeliciousMonster · 15/02/2015 11:03

And how would you know that the truth was the truth? You don't...

You are currently in a relationship with a stranger. Go you.

magoria · 15/02/2015 11:08

Why would a ring be altered unless it was the wrong size for someone specific who it didn't fit to start?

How painful it must be to have been given a second hand ring that doesn't actually mean that much to him as it has just been shoved in a draw somewhere until he needed it.

Original poster
Appleandbanana123 · 15/02/2015 11:13

Yep, but I was hoping that he'd at least have the balls to take control of the situation. So far, he seems to have tried to patch it up ('happy Valentine's day', presents & card - ha! what a joke!) but no real conversation and 'this is what I believe we should do'.

The marriage story actually came from him. I asked as we were talking about various things and he knew what he was doing, he just didn't want to lie again.

I don't feel I should be the one having to initiate a conversation, regardless of the outcome. This is HIS fault, he needs to be grown up about it and tell me what his 'master plan' is, as there are all the practicalities to work through.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/02/2015 11:17

Why are you waiting for his master plan? What's your master plan ... and isn't that much more important than the ideas of some liar?

Original poster
Appleandbanana123 · 15/02/2015 11:17

magoria yes and no. I saw it how you've described it but I am also realistic about the fact that it's a very expensive ring and selling / buying a new one wouldn't be the cleverest thing to do.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 15/02/2015 11:22

Seriously op, you don't even want to hear this mans master plan!!

Stop and think. He lied to you about a marriage and a CHILD?! If he can easily lie about that then he can lie about anything.

You can beat your last pound that these aren't all of the lies...there's bound to be more that you haven't uncovered.

Original poster
Appleandbanana123 · 15/02/2015 11:22

cogito because the lies took place early on in our relationship and I can't see how he could have sat me down and gone through a list " you know when I told you blablabla? well, that wasn't quite as it is...". However, he has since said things as they are and that was what he did on Friday. Not sure he was hoping I wouldn't pick up on it but it wasn't a slip, he knew what he was doing and didn't want to lie again.

I read the above and it makes it sound like I am just making up excuses for him... My master plan is to see if he comes up with a plan that I am willing to buy into or walk away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Appleandbanana123 · 15/02/2015 11:26

Or I could go ahead and accept that regardless of how amazingly well we get on, how much we enjoy each other's company and how we seemed to have the same dreams / aspirations for the future, our life together will be plagued by this sort of drama. And take a deep breath until the next 'bit of news' crops up... Excellent, what a prospect! And this is the same guy who keeps telling me how perfect we are together, how I am the love of his life blablabla... But when it comes to the strong foundations, our relationship is deeply flawed.

OP posts:
DeliciousMonster · 15/02/2015 11:26

My master plan is to see if he comes up with a plan that I am willing to believe.

I've corrected that for you OP

ladybird69 · 15/02/2015 11:29

Run now before you're in too deep. You will never know whether what he's saying is the truth or a lie. Liars change the stories to fit different times, people and moods you'll never hear the absolute truth and you'll spend you life second guessing him. It's sad but do yourself a favour end it.

akaWisey · 15/02/2015 11:29

Liars are such hard work, they really are. Why would you want to give him any more rope?

Stay with him and you'll go batshit mad trying to work out truth from fiction

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/02/2015 11:58

If I did not know better I thought you were seeing my BIL (and he has much form for telling lies on a pathological scale; this is also because he is a narcissist).

No trust - no relationship.

What are you getting out of this relationship, what needs of yours (your love for him is probably more rooted in co-dependency) are being met here?. There is only one way for this all to go and that is down. You will never be at peace as long as you remain within this and he will keep tying you up in knots. And no, this is not worth saving, this is a non relationship (read up on sunken costs fallacy, that is also causing you to make bad decisions).

Isetan · 15/02/2015 12:12

There could be a million reasons why he lies but none of them are your responsibility. Stop asking questions to which you have a cats in hell's chance of answering and start asking, "Why the hell are you continually giving him opportunities to lie to you?".

Actions speak louder than words, so far the consequence to his lies is to stay. Self interest is a great motivator and your hurt at his lying is no enough motivation for him to change.

This is who he is and if you don't want to have a relationship with someone who lies outright, lies by omission and tells fibs, then stop being in a relationship with someone who does.

Meerka · 15/02/2015 13:00

Oh god.

RUNNNN.

It's about him, his issues and until he sorts himself out he'll be no use to anyone. You can't do it.

I wouldn't believe a word that came out of his mouth and I'd be hiding my most valuable/sentimental objects with a trusted friend until the separation is over.

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