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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

A pathological liar?

68 replies

Appleandbanana123 · 15/02/2015 10:38

...and it's my relationship worth saving?

DP has lied to me about a number of things, most of which would eventually come out and his lies were all about making the right impression. However, they've wrecked my trust in him and I question how well I know him.

He lied about:

the number of children he has, because he wasn't on speaking terms with one of them at the time?!?! I found out through one of this children that there was a sibling in the equation
the number of times he's been married, although I knew that there had been another woman before his last ex-wife whom he has children with. This is bizarre as it has no impact on us, after all the relationship was there either way
my engagement ring, which he had bought for somebody else but, according to him, changed his mind about asking her. I found out when I found an old picture of the ring with his stuff, from many years ago, and challenged him on it. He swears that the ring was never given to anyone, however the picture was described as 'ring alteration' when sent through by the jeweller.

As you can see, I had a 'smashing' Valentine's yesterday . The second (or first) marriage thing came up on Friday night and we've been sleeping in separate rooms since. We were out all day yesterday and we already had something planned (and there was no chance that I was going to throw tickets etc away), and he did try to regain some sense of normality throughout the day. He did apologise at one point, saying that he shouldn't have lied, but there has been no proper conversation and he's barely speaking to me. What I really want to do is to confront him, get conversation going and decide how we are going to resolve this. However, I feel that he needs to take stock and take the lead with sorting out this mess, whether is by coming clean with stuff and giving us a chance or sorting out the practicalities of our break up.

OP posts:

forumdonkey · 15/02/2015 13:03

I understand how you feel OP. Despite a lot of things that happened between my ex and I, the thing that has hurt me the most was when he recently lied to me. I didn't ever think he had lied to me, but it put in doubt all the things he said about how he felt about me. The other thing that was hurtful was I wouldn't have reacted to the truth, so I still don't know why he did it.

I can understand why he wouldn't want to tell you about the ring, but another marriage and child is a big deal. How far into your relationship was it when it came out?

FolkGirl · 15/02/2015 13:27

My exh lied constantly. Our marriage ended outwardly because of his affair, but for me, his lies killed it years before.

I tried explaining it to him atthe time using the story of the house built on sand vs the house built on rock.

Our relationship was the house built on sand because nothimg about it was real or solid or dependable or reliable. It got to the point where it felt pointless even talking to him because I couldn't trust the amswer that came out of his mouth.

He would lie about anything and everything. It meant all our communication was meaningless.

He didn't get it until after we'd split up and he'd done 6 months in therapy.

He honestly thought that if I were happy then our marriage/life would be perfect. He thought that all he had to do was tell me things that he thought would make me happy. He couldn't see that it just made a mockery of everything.

He was like it because his parents were alcoholics and he learned as a young child that they didn't care about the truth as long as they did have to deal with the shit.

FolkGirl · 15/02/2015 13:28

Didn't

BafanaThesober · 15/02/2015 13:47

You get on amazingly well because he doesn't tell you anything that's real!
How can someone lie about a previous marriage and children, and then expect you to believe anything that comes out of his mouth?? He tells you what he thinks you want to hear, and you want to believe that you get on, and you want to believe that you truly love him, but you don't know him, because what you believe is not actually the true him at all.

RUN RUN RUN, or stay and wonder if anything that comes out of his mouth is true, including how he feels about you.

CalleighDoodle · 15/02/2015 13:49

This is my stbxh. I found about three months in to our marriage anout a major lie and thought thst i know now, we will work through it. For me the issue was he told a lie. For him the issue was he lies. About everything, from whether he has fed the cat that morning to whether he paid the mortgage. He would also never admit to lying unless i had concrete proof in black and white, such as mortgage company phone records.

He lies to avoid any and all forms of conflict.

Finding the screamig banshee thread on passive aggressive hisbands really opened my eyes. It described my marriage to a tee

Original poster

Appleandbanana123 · 15/02/2015 14:19

He lied about those things very early on and I found out about the other offspring about 4 months into our relationship. This is somebody who's so worried about being judged that he'd rather lie about it and hope that the truth will eventually come out. I don't believe for a moment that he intended to keep any of those things secret forever (well, some of it would have been impossible) but at the start, his main priority was to make the right impression and not let on that there were any issues / complications in his life. His argument is that he was hardly going to start sharing his life story, complications with exes etc included, when he had only been dating somebody for a few weeks.

I've found it hard to forgive the pain & disappointment along the way. If you've been made your life this complex (and they are a result of the choices that we've made along the way), then we've got to have the balls to own up to them. Much easier said than done when you are trying to impress someone, and I was terrified of how complex his situation seemed. It's overcoming the fear of rejection to build something that is genuine and built on the right foundations. Or trying so hard to impress at the start, only to see it all fall apart as the lies come to the surface.

There are no other lies that I've picked up on, everything that has come up relates to how he painted his situation at the start. The ring was omission (often just as bad as a lie in itself) but what would you have done? Of course it caused me pain, we all want to feel unique. Even if he did give it to the other woman but she turned him down or returned it.

OP posts:

mammadiggingdeep · 15/02/2015 14:42

If you don't mind me saying you're massively trying to make excuses and negate what he has done. I also swept lies under the carpet, with similar reasoning.

He turned out to be a nasty piece of work who would lie his way out of anything. Very untrustworthy. Obviously that's my own experience but lying is quite a telling personality trait.

FolkGirl · 15/02/2015 14:42

So what are you saying? That you're now ok with the lies because they happened early on and you found out the truth?

The problem with that is that you have no way of knowing whether he hasn't lied since, or whether you just haven't discovered any more lies (yet).

CalleighDoodle · 15/02/2015 14:43

Im not sure what the intention of this thread is

mammadiggingdeep · 15/02/2015 15:51

Reverse thread?? Who knows. Nothing gets on my nerves more than someone who doesn't want to hear comments at all. Why start a thread if u seem to be able to answer your own questions?

BafanaThesober · 15/02/2015 15:56

Well, if you want to believe him and give him the benefit of the doubt - you go right ahead!

I don't understand why you asked the question - if this is all in the past...
Hey - your life - your mistakes. I have been there - I wouldn't go back

GoldfishCrackers · 15/02/2015 16:10

Are you sure you really share the same hopes and dreams or did he just say his matched yours to make a good impression?
Lying is a really bad sign. It says a lot about how much he respects you if he is prepared to put his desire for a relationship above your right to know who you're getting involved with.

AnyFucker · 15/02/2015 17:13

I think this thread is a prime example of the power of hope over experience

Pinkballoon · 15/02/2015 17:35

I'm beginning to wonder if you're seeing my ex!

I know from a previous girlfriend that he lied to her stating that he had 2 children and not 3 (3rd child with me). I suspect that he is lying to the current one too. I'm pretty sure that recycling my old engagement ring wouldn't be beyond him.

Having spent 4 years with this character, my only advice to you is to run, fast, before you become even more entangled. These men are A1 narcissists. You won't be able to see it at the moment, because they will suck you in with such force that you will be in a fog for quite some while.

There will be a reason behind his choice of women i.e. you, and why they don't last. In my ex's case, he has constantly targeted rich elder divorcees with grown up children. Can't imagine why.

Have you spoken to any of the ex's?

Original poster

Appleandbanana123 · 15/02/2015 20:26

I am genuinely grateful for everyone's views, and thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. However, please remember that giving advice is a one-sided street where the receiver may choose not to follow it.

One of the main reasons why I can sort of see where he was coming from is that when my exh and I separated, my life was an absolute mess. And I ashamed to say that instead of giving myself time and focusing on sorting myself out, I embarked on a relationship with a very nice man. There was absolutely no way that I would have shared the true state of my personal life with him straight away. Some things he already knew as we had known each other for a long time, whereas others, especially the financial side of things, no way. I was too afraid that he would think less of me. I didn't use him, I didn't take a penny from him but he was potentially going to marry me without knowing the extent of it all. I've matured and my life is as uncomplicated as it could be, apart from DP, of course!

Likewise, DP doesn't know that when I got offered a high paying job last year, that I didn't turn it down. They turned me down because even after all this time, my credit history still isn't as up to scratch as it could me. I am ashamed of it but I don't need help, and I most certainly don't need anyone's money. But do I want DP to know that? Maybe he should know as although my last Experian report gave me star rating (?!?!), it would impact my (or our ability) of taking out a mortgage together (if I didn't already have one).

So is that different from him being in denial about having been a lousy parent to his older children (both adults, grew up in another country)? He's always been very defensive about having provided for them financially, trying to justify to himself that it made up for him not being there. I am not having any more children, btw. He thinks, and rightly so, that he will be judged for it and that it'll scare any half-decent person off. A guy with 'God knows how many children' dotted around - hey, what a catch! ;-)

But based on my own personal experience, people can take control of their circumstances (as I've done with my own). He's got nothing to gain and he's a very generous guy, but he's made plenty of choices along the way which he obviously thinks put him in a disadvantageous position. Emotional immaturity and a good dose of narcissism? Yes, most likely. It doesn't necessarily make him a bad person but there is definitely a big, red flag waving there somewhere...

OP posts:

rosepetalsoup · 15/02/2015 20:43

WOAH! Run OP.

BafanaThesober · 15/02/2015 20:47

So, why did you post??
I am not understanding that if you had no intention of listening to anyone, why you posted at all?
And you don't have to take any heed - but do so at your own peril!

MelonBallersAreStrange · 15/02/2015 20:51

Do you feel you can trust anything he says?

ClarasLovelyYoungMum · 15/02/2015 21:05

Some people smoke
Some people drink
Some people lie about stuff
We all have our vices don't we so whys everyone going so mental

AnyFucker · 15/02/2015 21:09

Very profound

let's cancel Mumsnet. ..it's no longer required, there is your answer to everything

ClarasLovelyYoungMum · 15/02/2015 21:13

Don't cancel Mumsnet wot ru on about

mammadiggingdeep · 15/02/2015 21:14

You being ashamed of a bad credit rating is NOT the same as him lying to you about a CHILD and a MARRIAGE.

Of course advice isn't a one one way street but you're not even considering what people are taking the time to write. You are defending him as if we had started the thread.

I'm sat here thinking what I would have done 9 years ago when I met my ex and he lied about 2 massive things, which I found out about later. (One after 9 months, one after 6 years). I think, unfortunately, that I'd probably had a similar defensive attitude to you. The difference being I didn't post on a website asking for advice on the matter.

Honesty is so important in any relationship. Don't play it down, don't make excuses. Genuine, loving, kind hearted people do not lie about massive things. They just don't.

Hymencowell · 15/02/2015 21:15

This can't end well.. The guy sounds cuckoo think you should move along honey

ClarasLovelyYoungMum · 15/02/2015 21:15

AnyFucker RU going 2 cancel Mumsnet!? Please dont it was really helpful 2 me when I needed it most xx

mammadiggingdeep · 15/02/2015 21:16

We all have our vices??

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