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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it ok for my husband to say this?

73 replies

snowflake02 · 14/02/2015 20:51

He keeps telling me that I am angry when I don't think that I am. If any emotion creeps into my voice then he tells me I am angry or cross. I genuinely have not felt that during the conversation so I find it confusing. I have tried apologising for sounding unintentionally cross, but he still won't have it. That is what I am feeling and that is the end of it.

There is an awful lot more to our situation than this, but I think I have that all figured out now, but with this, I'm not actually sure if he is doing anything wrong or if I am just sensitive because of everything else?

OP posts:

NorksAreMessy · 14/02/2015 20:53

I think the answer lies in the 'lot more to our situation'....

woowoo22 · 14/02/2015 20:53

What else is going on?

Wailywailywaily · 14/02/2015 20:54

I think its called gas lighting and no its not okay. He is making you apologize for something you did not do and making you doubt your own emotions. In this instance the problem is his not yours.

NickiFury · 14/02/2015 20:55

My ex used to say this, he'd also refuse to discuss anything with me because I was "shouting". I wasn't it was just his way of controlling the entire discussion. My standard response was "I know I don't sound angry because I don't feel angry". It never worked, he just didn't want to communicate.

Thank FUCK I am not with him anymore!

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/02/2015 20:58

No one gets to tell you what you are feeling.

Handywoman · 14/02/2015 21:01

Yep. Nobody gets to tell you what you're feeling. This sounds like an avoidance/control tactic.

It's not ok.

I suspect this is the top of an iceberg: what else is going on?

Handywoman · 14/02/2015 21:02

Fuckmath · 14/02/2015 21:03

Controlling.

What's the rest o the story?

I suspect he's not a very nice man.

Original poster

snowflake02 · 14/02/2015 21:04

There has been a lot of other abuse, mainly verbal/emotional but he has now sought appropriate help/treatment. I have to try and work out if I can ever trust him again and if his behaviour is actually changing. And if it is, is that enough after so much bad stuff has happened.

I have finally worked out where my boundaries are for the other things and have a zero tolerance policy from now on. One strike and he is out. But when he said this again I realised I didn't actually know if it was ok or not.

OP posts:

YNK · 14/02/2015 21:07

I can't agree more with all of you. It's nasty abusive behaviour.

I became very careful to talk slowly in a whisper (and not in any sarcastic way either) only to be told he could see the anger in my face!
I was so far gone with the gaslighting that I actually thought there must be something wrong with my face for it to be expressing emotions that I wasn't feeling.

OP, please get away from this. It won't change.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/02/2015 21:13

The problem is that, even though he has sought help, the behaviour is leaking out in other ways. I fear that he is not dealing with his issues, just the behaviour. Which means you will have to spend your time on your toes, waiting for the next unacceptable piece of manipulation. Too much like hard work?

Original poster

snowflake02 · 14/02/2015 21:16

I had wondered if it was gaslighting but couldn't find anything about this type of comment when I googled it. So it is interesting to hear it mentioned here more than once. I had better add gaslighting to my list as I think not only did I forget to include it, but I didn't realise that this was another way of doing it.

OP posts:

InAndOfMyself · 14/02/2015 21:19

Ah, yes, the woman is supposed to be nice, isn't she? Speaking softly, in a high pitched voice, never offending, blah, blah, blah.

As the PPs have said, this is controlling behaviour meant to get you acting the way you should.

It isn't okay. You are allowed to express yourself and of course emotions can come into it, or not, as the case may be.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 14/02/2015 21:19

"There has been a lot of other abuse"

Sounds like too much to me? Look after yourself snowflake
Leaving is an option, don't forget that x

Original poster

snowflake02 · 14/02/2015 21:20

Trouble is, I don't learn. I do get animated during some conversations, but that doesn't mean that I am angry. I might be feeling something completely different but he always interprets it as anger. Even sometimes when I am smiling (or think I am smiling).

OP posts:

JugglingFromHereToThere · 14/02/2015 21:24

Trouble is he doesn't/ won't learn.

You've probably learnt/ taken on board a lot - too much? But it still isn't enough is it?

Sorry but it really doesn't sound good to me x

CinnabarRed · 14/02/2015 21:30

Snowflake, he has done awful, unspeakable things to you. Please, please - enough is enough.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/02/2015 21:41

Trouble is, I don't learn. Shit, he's done a number on you. Have you had any counselling? Freedom Program?

alphabook · 14/02/2015 21:43

Every time I see a post by you Snowflake my heart sinks.

Who is he to tell you how you're feeling?
You have every right to be angry with this rapist waste of space, but your feelings are yours, not for him to dictate.

CinnabarRed · 14/02/2015 21:44

I never say this, never. But for once, people, just consider advance searching this poster because controlling doesn't begin to describe the abuse here.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/02/2015 21:46

Oh God snowflake get out and stay out. Sorry, I did what Cinnabar suggested. Please, please don't stay in this relationship.

Original poster

snowflake02 · 14/02/2015 21:56

I am very near the door now. I know how bad it looks that it is taking me so long but I really am trying. I told him last night that if he steps over the line again it is over, but then I realised I didn't actually know if he had just done that or not. Stupid, I know. But I find it hard to trust my own judgement now. I am getting better after lots of counselling but still a way to go. Thank you so much for all the help and support I have received. Don't know what I would have done with all my questions if it wasn't for MN. Thank you.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/02/2015 21:58

Step over that threshold, love. There's a beautiful world out there.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 14/02/2015 22:03

You won't know if he steps over the line when you are so confused where that line is. There are lovely people out there who will never abuse you, why put up with this crap?

alphabook · 14/02/2015 22:06

He has overstepped the line so many times already, you just keep redrawing the line.

Be honest with yourself - what is your bottom line?

It sounds like you're waiting for him to do something absolutely horrendous so you can be confident that you'd be right in leaving him. But you don't need a reason. You'll never learn to trust your own judgement with this man constantly manipulating you. Is a lifetime of confusion and fear really worth it?

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