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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it ok for my husband to say this?

73 replies

snowflake02 · 14/02/2015 20:51

He keeps telling me that I am angry when I don't think that I am. If any emotion creeps into my voice then he tells me I am angry or cross. I genuinely have not felt that during the conversation so I find it confusing. I have tried apologising for sounding unintentionally cross, but he still won't have it. That is what I am feeling and that is the end of it.

There is an awful lot more to our situation than this, but I think I have that all figured out now, but with this, I'm not actually sure if he is doing anything wrong or if I am just sensitive because of everything else?

OP posts:
JugglingFromHereToThere · 14/02/2015 22:10

Just go now snowflake You don't have to justify it to yourself, him, or anyone else by waiting for him to step over that line again. By the sound of things he's done that more than enough already x
I'm so sorry. I know how hard you wanted to make it work. But it's not worth it. You are worth more x

BiscuitMillionaire · 14/02/2015 22:18

In order to leave, Snowflake, you don't have to be sure and certain, you just have to want to be happy. Your choice: stay and be miserable, or leave and grab your chance of happiness.

Original poster
snowflake02 · 14/02/2015 22:18

It's taken me so long to get to this point and it has been a few months since a more 'dramatic' incident, with just the less serious stuff in between. I suppose I get reeled in again in the meantime and convince myself that it can't really be that bad. So now I feel that I have to wait for another big incident to justify asking him to leave. I don't expect that to make sense to anyone else though. Sometimes it doesn't even make sense to me.

OP posts:
alphabook · 14/02/2015 22:24

I completely understand that. I suppose the question is: what are you afraid of that stops you leaving him now?

CinnabarRed · 14/02/2015 22:26

(((((OP)))))

Original poster
snowflake02 · 14/02/2015 22:42

I'm afraid of making the wrong decision, realising that I do love him after all, being lonely, being alone and of course the fear of destroying my children's lives and them hating me as a result. But at the same time I know they must be aware of something and of course I want to protect them.

OP posts:
Onepollock · 14/02/2015 22:46

Dear Snowflake,

I know the feeling of wanting them to do something really awful in order to justify/make sense of why you're leaving but it us never enough. You think you'll go after the next incident etc. For you to feel as confused as you do, I know you have already been through more than anyone should.

Accept the uncertainty for now and please leave. It takes time to rebuild things but it is poss. I am just starting to see that after a very long time going through similar confusion.

Very very best of luck xxx

Onepollock · 14/02/2015 22:51

I have two under 5s and I have just left. The tension has gone. We are so much more settled. I can already see it is better for them if we are apart.

I did find it strange to be on my own at first but often you're missing the idea of bring together rather than the reality of what it was.

It isn't an easy option but I know the confusion you're feeling is a side effect of long term abuse and in order to live happily you have yo remove yourself from the person who makes you feel like that.

Original poster
snowflake02 · 14/02/2015 23:12

Well done for leaving. I wish you lots of luck for a happy future.

I'm wondering if I'm just not brave enough until the next 'big' thing happens. I need to give myself a good talking to.

OP posts:
Auburnsparkle · 14/02/2015 23:24

I wonder what it will take you to leave. Hasn't he done enough already? I agree you do seem to be redrawing the line and I wonder why. Staying can be harder than leaving you know.

badtime · 14/02/2015 23:39

You say that you are 'afraid of making the wrong decision'. Don't you realise that the decision to stay is also a decision? (And yes, that is the wrong one).
Don't you realise that you will be 'destroying your children's lives' by bringing them up thinking domestic abuse is normal?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/02/2015 23:49

Doing nothing is a decision and it's almost certainly the wrong one judging by people's horrified reaction to your posting history. Hope you find the courage and self respect to make the break

alphabook · 15/02/2015 00:22

What if you asked for a trial separation?
A good man would respect your feelings and give you space while you worked out whether you can rebuild things and trust him again.

YNK · 15/02/2015 02:05

I was so far gone I believed all the crap and I battled a long time to get away. It was very scary, but I cannot compare the old me and the person I am now! I was so anxious and unhappy then, compared to the laid back, happy, contented, capable person I am now.
Don't delay.....there is still time to reclaim your life!

YNK · 15/02/2015 02:14

Make sure your children grow up seeing the real you, not the shadow of the woman that you will become.

This man is doing you serious psychological harm - is that what you want your children to see?
Will you try to normalise it to them?

You need to protect both them and yourself now!

ShizeItsWeegie · 15/02/2015 07:08

The best time to leave is in a period of calm. He will expect it less. You are being gaslighted OP.

Spellcheck · 15/02/2015 07:20

So you know there's going to be a 'next big thing'? You may as well go now, because every day with him is a day of your new, happy, life wasted. Though I know it's easier said than done. Wishing you all you deserve. It's going to be wonderful without him! X

GoldfishCrackers · 15/02/2015 07:25

snowflake there is nothing wrong with being angry. It's healthy and useful and makes us say 'no more' to further mistreatment. I can see why he's trying to train you out of even thinking of being angry.

And IME negotiating acceptable behaviour with abusers is pointless and dangerous. The abuse comes from his personality, and a set of beliefs that you don't deserve to be treated as well as him. You could give him a contract the length of the iTunes agreement and he'd just find another way to make you feel bad and him feel in control. And the worst thing is, once you've identified and banned all the obvious stuff, what's left is so sneaky and insidious you'll have the head fuck of asking yourself if it's really abuse.
The best gift you could give your children would be to reduce their exposure to him, and to stop showing them that this is what a marriage should look like.
Living like this is so very hard. It's draining and makes it harder to leave. But when you do manage to leave, and feel the peace and calm, you will wish you'd done it sooner. Flowers

Squeegle · 15/02/2015 07:39

I agree with all the above - and with goldfish. You are allowed to be angry. My ex used to say this a lot to me. He was a very angry person. It was as if I wasn't allowed to be angry. Why was I not allowed to be angry? Sometimes there were very legitimate reasons that I shoukd have been FURIOUS! But somehow i thought I had to be calmer than Jesus.

I can see now this was part of the controlling.

WaitingForMe · 15/02/2015 07:53

You don't have to wait for something big. Your leaving can be the big thing. It doesn't have to be his actions which determine yours.

I left my abusive ex over seemingly nothing at all. I went to see a friend and because I knew he wouldn't let me, I left a note. My friends face when I told her was my trigger to leave.

prettywhiteguitar · 15/02/2015 08:00

Apparently I had PND because I was angry all the time, no my ex was just a dick, behaved like a dick and was totally blaming me for his fucked up personality.

You're supposed to put up and shut up. It took two years after splitting with him for me to realise, I'm not an angry person he was behaving in a totally unacceptable way. It really did take that long for me to feel normal and rational and believe myself, the effect they have on you is to doubt yourself.

After this thread you should you think about your tipping point, constantly doubting your own judgement is classic abuse, fuck him and get out of this situation.

Original poster
snowflake02 · 15/02/2015 09:17

Everything you have all said makes perfect sense. But when he is being the nice version of himself, it is hard to remember how damaging his behaviour can be. But this latest conversation shows me that even when I think he is being perfectly reasonable, this isn't always the case. He is just being more subtle about it. Time to think again.

OP posts:
Auburnsparkle · 15/02/2015 09:20

You don't really need to think any more do you - time to act isn't it?

Original poster
snowflake02 · 15/02/2015 09:22

yes, it probably is, but that is scary prospect.

OP posts:
adorably2014 · 15/02/2015 09:27

snowflake I really feel for you, it all sounds really insidious and so easy for you to doubt yourself. You will know if you are not angry, he can't tell you how you feel. None of what's going on is right at all.

Look into leaving. Seriously. Don't wait for something bad to happen and more trauma. Flowers