Is it ok for my husband to say this?

[snowflake02]

He keeps telling me that I am angry when I don't think that I am. If any emotion creeps into my voice then he tells me I am angry or cross. I genuinely have not felt that during the conversation so I find it confusing. I have tried apologising for sounding unintentionally cross, but he still won't have it. That is what I am feeling and that is the end of it.

There is an awful lot more to our situation than this, but I think I have that all figured out now, but with this, I'm not actually sure if he is doing anything wrong or if I am just sensitive because of everything else?

Sometimes the thought if staying like this for the next xxx years is much scarier than the thought of leaving.

Can you sit down and visualise you would like your life to be in 10 years. Remember - you can only change what you're like... You can't visualise a different DH.

Of course it is scary - but staying with him is even more frightening.

His behaviour is crazy making.
Bruises are much quicker to heal.

You and your children are in real psychological danger!

Writing things down is good. Either in a journal or on here. And if the sum of your experience with him makes you say to yourself that's not a relationship you can accept, then leave.

I get the feeling that you're waiting for something bad to happen on the scale of the outrages he's done to you in the past. That you feel you've missed your chance to react to the earlier abuse. That's not the case. When something so shockingly bad happens, we either react instinctively and leave, or we stick around in shock and disbelief. You don't have to react straight away, and its perfectly ok and understandable to look back and decide you're not taking it anymore.

My OH tells me: "you're always angry" and it's not true.x

Good advice there from goldfish I think

I think he is leaving this evening

((snowflake))

You think he is leaving? As in moving out? If so:best news ever

If he is leaving for good that's the best thing he could ever do. How are you feeling about it?

snowflake - it isn't all about whether he breaks this boundary or that boundary- well obviously it is in many ways - but about whether you are happy. Happy, and free. Whether this relationship makes you feel the best of you, whether this relationship gives you things about yourself that you don't get alone. Whether this man gives you the best of himself to make a happy family together.

He might toe the line this week, next week...but he doesn't make you feel free, happy or confident. he isn't trustworthy, he sounds like a psychopath, to be honest, and he is deliberately messing with your head.

I know how hard it is to find yourself after emotional abuse, and that you will find the right time to make the break. Don't let him drag you down further.

You sounds as if you are doing so well.

If he is leaving / has left, breathe a sigh of relief.

And don't forget that it will probably be a tactic and he will be back before you know it, imagining you are lost without his and he has taught you a lesson.

Do everything you can to look after yourself: get help about your finances, gather your friends around you, your mum, tell them. Be yourself, and enjoy experiencing your own feelings without fear of him and without him telling you how to feel / controlling what he wants you to feel.

Has he said he is going? If so can you see some positives in that? How are you this evening snowflake? Thinking of you x

Thank you everyone.

Not sure how I am feeling at all or if he is actually going. No idea how to get my head straight.

Just try to be calm if you can. You can think later.
All best wishes to you x

why do you think he is leaving?
Has he said he was, or have you told him to?

Is he just trying to get you to beg him to stay?

You ok Snowflake?

I haven't read all the thread, nor do I know fully what terrible things this man may or may not have done to you.
But reading through I feel to have to comment.

My husband has a serious anger problem.
For example, when I asked him (nicely) about a new waterproof coat he had when it was pissing rain he screamed at me and threw an umbrella into the wall. Yes, into. Left a hell of a dent.
I asked him if he would like me to make him some ready brek and he kicked over the dining table chairs screaming at me that I should have bought more cereal.
He threw a water bottle at me while in the labour ward when the other women were trying to sleep.
I could go on.

But the point I want to make is I sense the change immediately, before he erupts.
I sense the change of tone, the slight change in volume, subtle expression changes.
I used to try and calm him and tell him that I could see he was getting angry and try and diffuse the situation.
He would get even angrier claiming he knew he wasn't angry, I was putting words in his mouth, how dare I tell him how he is feeling.

Previous posters said there's nothing wrong in being angry and that no one has the right to tell you how your feeling.

I don't know much about your personal situation, maybe you do need to get out, but often a persons pitch and tone changes considerably before they even realise.

I'm sorry for the things your husband has done Buttholelane . I have never done anything like the things you describe, if that is what you are wondering? (Neither has my husband for that matter).

I have never denied the fact that I get cross sometimes - I imagine everyone does. Neither have I ever denied that sometimes I might not be aware that I sound cross when I don't mean to. I just don't like being told what I am feeling if I am not feeling it. He also tells me that he thinks I am depressed, which I know is not true.

I relate to what you say about sensing the change in atmosphere before something happens as I sense the change before my husband has one of his 'episodes'.

Has your DH made any progress with leaving?Is he getting his things together?
If not, you know it's another psychological attack on you.

My ex took 2 years to actually leave after he told the DC's he had to go because of my behaviour.
Then we had another 6 years of court stuff and him trying to have me declared a danger to my children.
He claimed to the court that I was preventing contact with DC's at the same time he was claiming to the CSA that they lived with him!

If I ever got angry with EA XP he would start screaming at me that I was angry . I didn't get angry very often, but I was, and OP you are, actually entitled to get angry about stuff.

Anger is a perfectly OK emotion - it's how it is expressed that can cause issues.

XP was very angry most of the time esp with me. But on the odd occasions I got angry with him it was the end of the world as far as he was concerned and a valid reason (for him) to get VERY verbally abusive with me, moody, sulky etc.

He is still here but we are sleeping in different rooms while we work out the practical stuff, like what to say to the children. I am still confused by everything and still wish there could be a different outcome but its not looking likely at the moment.

I bet he doesn't go.
I bet he tells you the figures aren't favourable for him leaving and he will just have to be a martyr and stay after all.

You are still being 'punished'.