Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does my boyfriend actually love me?

78 replies

Doesheactuallylikeme · 14/02/2015 13:15

Bit of background. Bit long, sorry.

DP and I have been together 5 months. He and I were friends at work, he has a toddler DD with his ex. We started to get close when he and his ex were going through a tough time. She was jealous of the time he spent with me, but I didn't really care about that so I saw him more.
When they split up, I invited him to live with me. I live in a lovely expensive house which is quite out of the way, and as he doesn't drive I said I would drive him to and from work each day. We split all the bills exactly down the middle. I didn't want to be hanging around waiting though so I made him swap his shifts to that it was easier for me.
For the first few months we lived together I was still in regular contact with my ex, and was going out for meals with him texting, speaking every day, and he was visiting me at home whilst (now) DP was seeing his DD, but I didn't tell him that. Nothing ever happened with me and (now DP) despite spending all of our time together when he wasn't with DD. Not even a drunken kiss, despite me sitting on his lap a lot when I'm drunk. He doesn't really have any other friends apart from me, and we only ever hang out with his parents.
I'll be honest, I call the shots, for example I've made him walk home when he's refused to leave his ex's house at the time I wanted (his DD was only 4 months when he left so that's why he sees her for a couple of hours a week there) on Mother's Day I turned up an hour early to pick him up because I didn't want him spending any longer than he needed to there.
Last Summer, he and his ex started getting close again, spending more time together, and he told me they were sleeping together again etc so I decided the time was right for me to tell him I like him. We got together and have been together since. I told him I loved him after a month and he said it back. I still drive him everywhere but have told him he needs to learn to drive himself.
I have just found out that he said he would go out with work people tonight. The plans fell through so he is cooking me dinner but I still don't like the fact that he said he would go and hadn't planned anything in advance.

He said he loved me this morning but I'm not sure. What do you all think?
Thanks.

OP posts:
GotToBeInItToWinIt · 14/02/2015 14:11

The problem is that it is impossible to write a thread from someone else's point of view, as whatever she has said to you, you have no idea what's actually going through her head.

So for that reason I'm not going to bother to give any advice (not actually sure what you want advice on as it's none of your business?). If your family member wants some advice on the situation, she can post here herself.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 14/02/2015 14:12

Just reread your second post, can't see what you need help with??

AnyFucker · 14/02/2015 14:15

OK. Bottom line. It's really none of your business. 19yo's often make mistakes. They often do stupid things. They often have rather strange ideas of what constitutes a "relationship". Even my own dd of a similar age, despite being brought up with the straightest examples of how to conduct yourself in these things, has some bloody Hmm ways of going about things. I think we all did at that age.

She will live and learn. Unless someone is in physical danger, or kids directly involved, you need to butt out.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/02/2015 14:15

Stay well out of it OP. There shouldn't be anything like this much drama after just a few months and I think you're being sold, if not an actual pack of lies, definitely an exaggeration.

Paperblank · 14/02/2015 14:16

Let me get this right...

The subject of the op is 19? Didn't care about her DP's partner? Invited her DP to live with her in her lovely expensive house? Basically made her DP dance to her tune?

If I've got that right she sounds bloody awful and an absolute nightmare.

Sounds like it's all about her and the sooner she grows up the better.

The DP sounds a bit of a dick too. Frankly I'd butt out - they are unlikely to act on any advice.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 14/02/2015 14:20

How did she afford the house before the 'bf' moved in with her?

Bakeoffcakes · 14/02/2015 14:21

I have DDs a bit older. I've been shocked and appalled by some of the relationships I've seen my DDs' friends, continue with.

I don't think you ignore it, I think you tell her calmly and kindly that this is not a good relationship. Then leave it with her. She will realise one day but she needs to find it out for herself.

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 14/02/2015 14:21

sorry to be so thick, but I'm still confused.
This person is 19, or younger at the time, was having an EA with a guy who had a 4 month old baby at the time? And she was also still in a relationship?
Is that the gist of the beginning of this story?

ScrambledEggAndToast · 14/02/2015 14:23

Are you for real??ShockShock You sound like a right control freak, telling him what to do all the time. He needs to dump you ASAP.

Brandnewattitude · 14/02/2015 14:24

Yes I'm still confused so not going to try to get my head around it.

Original poster
Doesheactuallylikeme · 14/02/2015 14:28

Thank you to those of you who have stuck with me and taken time to reply! I do really appreciate it Flowers

Basically she is 19, and was living with her ex, the relationship was on the rocks but this other guy moving in seems to have been the catalyst for her to split with him. She is my (much) younger sister. She's quite spoilt (if you hadn't worked that out!) and really quite immature at times. The house is my aunt's, she lives abroad and rents it to my Dsis. Her and her ex could afford it together which is why she needed someone else to move in.
I had a feeling that the majority of the replies would be to let her make her own mistakes, which I would be posting myself if I'd read the thread! It's just that big sister thing that would much rather she didn't get hurt, even if she's brought a lot of it on herself.

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 14/02/2015 14:30

Can't be worth the effort regardless of who you are tbh.

lemisscared · 14/02/2015 14:35

to be honest there's not alot you can do and she wont thank you for helping interfering just step back and try not to judge. my prediction is that he is somewhat of a cock lodger so be on guard for her getting screwed and not in the biblical sense.

she sounds extremely insecure and immature. why doesn't she live with her parents?

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 14/02/2015 14:43

Thanks for the further info OP.

Have to agree that she's unlikely to take any advice you give her. I know it's tough to stand by and watch this going on but there's not much you can do to stop her.

Kaekae · 14/02/2015 14:46

If he does love you then he is a fool, you sound hideous.

magoria · 14/02/2015 14:52

God this poor blokes ex. Going through a rocky patch with a few month old baby so he uses this to get close to someone else.

Still having sex with the mother of his child and dumps her like a hot potato for someone else.

I hope she wises up and gets rid.

You family member chose to do this knowing he had a partner and very young child. She has got what she chose.

Original poster
Doesheactuallylikeme · 14/02/2015 15:09

I know and I agree.

It's not just me though is it? I strongly believe that he's only with her due to circumstance?

OP posts:
ShipwreckedAndComatose · 14/02/2015 15:18

Ok, that all makes more sense!

I am afraid all you can do is watch from a distance and wait for it to all fall apart. It sounds to me like they are both less than perfect in all of this (I also feel really sorry for the ex with the newborn).

Seriouslyffs · 14/02/2015 15:50

Are your parents around? What do they say?

worrieddadof2 · 14/02/2015 16:07

Bloody hell, this poor bloke should run a mile.

PacificDogwood · 14/02/2015 16:23

Ok, I see, and I understand why you posted as you did.

Really difficult situation for you (and her, of course) Thanks

I do believe though that the only thing you can do is be there for her when it all goes pear-shaped.
I presume will have told her what you think and that is all you can do tbh.

Stay well clear otherwise, who knows what his motivation might be?
Do you have concerns about your DNiece in all of this?

Finola1step · 14/02/2015 16:54

Nowt you can do. Your sister has chosen her course, let her live it. Of course you can see the potential nightmare ahead, we all can. But she has to experience it for herself. Just as the bulk of us have at some stage. It's all part and parcel of growing into an adult - making decisions, fucking up and then picking up the pieces.

She needs to learn that we live by the decisions we make. And in answer to your original question, no he probably doesn't love her. Just like he didn't love the mother of his tiny baby. He's just looking for easy street.

Coyoacan · 14/02/2015 17:10

I'm afraid your little sister sounds like she has no moral compass, to be honest.

Original poster
Doesheactuallylikeme · 14/02/2015 20:35

Thanks again all. I knew in my heart of hearts that there was nothing I could do, but thank you all for taking the time to read and reply Flowers

OP posts:
springydaffs · 14/02/2015 22:12

I don't agree there's nothing you can do. You're her older sister - she may not, probably won't, listen but you can be the baddie and say something.

Like, what she did was foul, spoilt, controlling. You may not want to add that she is getting precisely what she deserves. He's using her but he sounds like a crud anyway. They both sound absolutely awful. Sorry.

Swipe left for the next trending thread