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Original poster

"The Rules"

81 replies

jessmay · 13/02/2015 20:34

I just read this after being recommended y a friend, and as far as I can see the basic premise is to pretend not to be that available or interested and not to give away too much of yourself.

I'm reading it and can't help feeling like it's basically tricking a man with sexual desire into marrying you.

Is it just me?

Don't you want to just be yourself?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 16/02/2015 12:04

It's weird, isn't it, but people do often like to share this bizarre opinion that there can possibly be a "too small" or "unfair" reason to end a relationship. As if it was any of their business. (I mean, who is in this relationship?) As if a relationship was some kind of contract that you owe him at least six months of trying to make it work before giving up. Screw that! Life is too short. I'm repeating myself now so I will go and make the phone call I've been avoiding, but you have done exactly the right thing. Boundary trampling is an excellent and extremely important reason to end a relationship over. Your friends are wrong.

Original poster
jessmay · 16/02/2015 12:11

Morris, I realise there might be something in it. I'll try and take on board the elements at least of not giving away too much too soon or appearing too keen from the start. Maybe that is just a sad part of the way men function. I'l test it out anyway. I'm not pretending to be someone I'm not though!

Thanks Bertie. I do feel like I did the right thing. He always has the option to correct it if he wants to.

Hopefully any man worth bothering with would respect me for having standards.

OP posts:
AmonRa1 · 16/02/2015 12:15

I’ve read it, some of it makes sense, but some of it is just ridiculous.

I have also read ‘He’s just not that into you.’ By Greg Berhendt which I LOVED, loved the film too. I honestly think it is one of the best books any single, female girl could read. Yes, like anything you can’t believe and abide by every single word, but the underlying theme is true. If he’s not calling you, if he’s not talking to you/texting you/wanting to see you…..he’s just not that into you. Don’t kid yourself otherwise.

Original poster
jessmay · 16/02/2015 12:29

I do get that part Amon

What I never understand is the bit where they DO call / text / bend over backwards to see you but then they're still not that into you!

OP posts:
Penguinsaresmall · 16/02/2015 12:32

You know, I really believe it's got nothing to do with how soon you sleep with somebody, or if you wear skirts, or whatever else.

But I do think some people (men as well as women) make it blindingly obvious they are desperate to meet 'the one', to the extent that they will try to make whoever they meet fit that mould, and/or drop everything else in their life to fit around that person. Somebody wanting to be in contact constantly when you've only just met surely begs the question 'what did they actually have going on in their life before we met then?'...

IMO there' nothing more attractive than meeting someone who has a busy life with lots of friends and interests, so can't see you constantly. That's not game playing, that's just having a full, happy life, with or without a partner.

AmonRa1 · 16/02/2015 12:43

Oh yes, absolutely! No one wants to be with someone without hobbies/interests/ friends of their own, that goes without saying. And for soemone like me, who leads a very busy life, a partner who also has a busy and fulfilling life is almost essential.

However, there is a difference between that and someone who never gets in contact, doesn't seem to appear to be that interested in seeing you/making plans with you etc. bottom line is, if you like someone, you make time for them, you want to try and include them
In your life as much as possible when you can. IME, that is the way to tell who genuinely likes you from those who really aren't bothered. Girls are very good at telling themselves what they want to hear, but sometimes you have to face the truth.

IME, if a man likes you, he will want to talk to you, he will want to spend time with you. You shouldn't ever have to play games or beg/ be desperate in order to get some attention!

Hathall · 16/02/2015 12:53

Op trust your instincts and don't lower your standards.

Apart from some of the dodgy bits, I like the rules. People who are independent, confident and have a busy life are attractive.
Some people are naturally like that so it's not playing a game for them.
I also think there's something to be said for 'playing hard to get'.
It might be an old fashioned notion but i think it does work.

SleeplessinUlanBator · 16/02/2015 13:07

"I also think there's something to be said for 'playing hard to get'.
It might be an old fashioned notion but i think it does work."

It only appeals to other 'game players', quite why you would want to build the foundations of a relationship on mind games is beyond me.

Hathall · 16/02/2015 13:13

When I say 'hard to get' I don't mean in a game playing way but just showing that you're not just waiting around for him to call or arrange a date ie you have a life and priorities currently that aren't a bloke you've just met.

BertieBotts · 16/02/2015 13:24

That isn't playing hard to get, though, that's just generally having a life outside of waiting around for "the one", which as Penguins pointed out is pretty unhealthy and not a good foundation for a relationship.

Definitely - be busy, don't be too available, don't be hanging on their every word. But that's not a game as such it's just called having a life and being an interesting person in your own right.

Holding back from contact (to twiddle your thumbs) or sex or whatever because you think that you should or it will make you more attractive is game playing. Being busy and having other commitments is not.

SleeplessinUlanBator · 16/02/2015 13:26

Well, with the advent of mobile phones it is hardly a case of you 'waiting around' at home and suspending all plans in the hope he calls, if he a calls he calls, and if you are in a position to take said call and arrange another date between you then great. It only gets complicated when you start playing the whole 'dont return his call straight away' and 'make him wait and call you again' bollocks. Of course women are allowed to call the man you know......now there's a thought!

Hathall · 16/02/2015 13:34

But some people aren't like that.

That's who The Rules is aimed at.

It's basically telling you to get a life of your own and teaching those who are 'keen' (for want of a better word) and to not prioritise this new potential partner.

Penguinsaresmall · 16/02/2015 13:39

sleepless that's a good point. Showing my age here, but when I was last single lots of people didn't have mobile phones (myself included), so it was a case of either being in when the phone rang, or not.

Not sure if that's a good thing or not! I suppose at least nowadays people can avoid the whole 'scary follow-up phone call' thing with texts, which are a lot less scary!

Penguinsaresmall · 16/02/2015 13:41

Agreed Hathall. So maybe we should write a new book entitled 'Don't concentrate on getting a partner, concentrate on getting a social life'.

Actually that would be about the length of it Grin

Hathall · 16/02/2015 13:49

Grin penguins. Though I would also add the two words - Be Independant.

And there's our sage advice.

Hathall · 16/02/2015 13:50

Ooops independent of course

Penguinsaresmall · 16/02/2015 13:51
Grin
SleeplessinUlanBator · 16/02/2015 13:56

Penguin

Texting certainly takes the edge off things. Also, depending on your phone settings can tell if another person has read the text or not. When I was dating and I had seen a text had been read yet 48 hours later had not received a reply I would just assume she was either not interested or playing games, the former can be disappointing, the latter is just a turn off.

shovetheholly · 16/02/2015 15:36

I don't think it's a very sound basis for a soul-to-soul relationship, no. But I think a lot of people have relationships that are more like a kind of financial mutual organisation for raising children. So it depends what you want out of the end product. If you want to be two pretty independent people whose lives overlap just a little bit, The Rules is probably a decent guide. If you want to meet someone who is on your wavelength in every possible way, with whom you'll travel through life in a very close relationship, it's not a great approach. But not everyone wants the latter!

Original poster
jessmay · 16/02/2015 15:55

What about the "end the call after 15 minutes" thing? Surely that's bollocks?

OP posts:
Hathall · 16/02/2015 16:00

Only if it's a boring call or you're ignoring your kids, another appointment etc otherwise it's bollocks.

DontKillMyVibe · 16/02/2015 20:53

Haven't read The Rules but I know enough about them to get the general principal.

Unlikely I'd ever purposely practice them in real life but I do know that generally men I really like are never that into me whereas men I'm not fussed on are normally head over heels so my subconscious vibes must be doing something so there may be something to these rules after all . Grin

AWholeLottaNosy · 16/02/2015 21:29

For me a really good book is 'why men love bitched'. Forget the rubbish title, it's actually an excellent book ( check out the reviews on Amazon. It's not about being a bitch but about keeping your self respect and dignity and always choosing that over a man.

There's also a fantastic website, 'Baggage Reclaim', brilliant advice about men and dating and lots of good examples from women to read and learn from. Dating is so much more complex than it used to be due to the internet, sometimes it feels like internet shopping and there's always someone else, more attractive, more desirable. Great for men who don't have to pluck up the courage to talk to a real woman and risk rejection. New technology, new rules...

AWholeLottaNosy · 16/02/2015 21:30
  • bitches not bitched!