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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Valentines Card from Colleague - help!

75 replies

Neenypeep · 13/02/2015 20:15

I'm 41, divorced, but in a relationship for the last 2 years. I'm not sure how to deal with this. I received an anonymous valentine's card this morning (I promise I'm over 18!) inside was a quote from Shakespeare beginning "I know that I love in vain..."

Thing is I recognised the handwriting. And I don't think he made any effort to disguise it. It's from a colleague, a man who started work with us about a year ago. We work very closely and get on like a house on fire in fact I'd say we're friends. We've socialised together and he's been to my house for dinner (always in a group situation and with my partner present) I'm very fond of him but don't fancy him in the slightest. He's 20 years older than me for a start. I really can't face things being awkward with him, I work with him daily, he's slightly senior to me (not a direct boss but would have an influence on my career) and I really like working with him.

This is complicated by the fact that my current partner is also a colleague (yes, clearly I should get out more but I'm a single parent). He knows this man well and they get on. My partner doesn't work closely with either of us though.

So I don't know whether I should just ignore it or should I tackle this before it escalates any further. Also I don't know whether to tell my partner. Normally I believe in full disclosure (in fact I insist on it as my marriage ended in a hail of infidelity and deceit on ExH's part) but this could make it awkward for him at work as well.

Sigh, apart from anything else I know this is completely inappropriate behaviour on this man's part both personally and professionally and I'm pretty angry with him.

Help!

OP posts:

Hassled · 13/02/2015 20:17

Awkward (understates). I think if I were you I would pretend it had never happened. There was no Valentine Card, and that's why you never speak of it. Colleague will get the message, partner will be none the wiser.

CarpeJugulum · 13/02/2015 20:19

I'd tell your DP that you got a card, but you have no idea who from.

Hopefully he won't recognise the writing. Or treat it as a windup?

rumred · 13/02/2015 20:20

Think I'd ignore too. Carry on as usual but ensure you don't encourage friendship with him. Re telling partner, depends on how you think he'll handle it. I'd be tempted to burn it and not mention. But really does depend on your circumstances

candyce83 · 13/02/2015 20:23

Talk about bad boundaries! He knows you have a boyfriend and STILL sends you a valentines card? He doesnt sound like someone that would be easily ignored if even having a DP isn't enough to keep him away from you. Id have a firm word with him and put him in his place.

Original poster

Neenypeep · 13/02/2015 20:26

Candycs83, see I know! It's crappy behaviour and apart from anything else he's friendly with my boyfriend and it makes me really cross that he's basically doing this behind his back. But I am afraid of the fallout work wise if I tell my boyfriend about it as it will obviously cause huge bad feeling.

OP posts:

trappedinsuburbia · 13/02/2015 20:30

I would rip it up and pretend it never happened

Hobby2014 · 13/02/2015 20:34

I think I'd tell my dp as I wouldn't keep that a secret (I can imagine some people that get turned down could be nasty and say anything to your dp like you tried it on with them or whatever and will be harder to prove innocence if you've lied about something) and then next time you're with colleague I'd bring up Valentine's Day, ask them if they had a nice day etc then would mention youve got a secret admirer and although it's a nice gesture it's a bit because you have a dp and the whole work place knows this and you're very happy and in love. but don't let him know you know it's him. Pretend you don't know who sent it. Hopefully that gets the message across.

fluffyraggies · 13/02/2015 20:36

Yep, tear it up and ignore. I wouldn't tell BF.

You're right about him crossing boundaries here - but - he hasn't signed it, so you are not meant to actually know it was from him. He is not expecting you to react to him in any way about it. So it'll be fine to just ignore, as if you have no idea who it's from

scratchandsniff · 13/02/2015 20:38

I'd rip it up and act as if I never received it. Not worth the potential fallout of telling your partner. He'll hopefully get the hint.

fluffyraggies · 13/02/2015 20:38

The reason i personally wouldn't tell my DH is that it would cause all hell to break loose, and it would just not be worth that amount of fuss.

aurynne · 14/02/2015 00:40

Take it as a compliment and move on, you're not 15! The man has a crush on you, he left you a nice Valentine's card... it really does not need any complication.

however · 14/02/2015 07:48

Rip it up and forget about it. And if he ever mentioned it, rip into him.

It' isn't a compliment. It's rude and unwelcome and he should know better. I'd be well pissed off. I know we're conditioned to be grateful for romantic attention on valentine's day but normal people don't give cards unless they know they'll be received well. And they don't give them to the partners of colleagues. He's being a dickhead.

I mean seriously, would you send a card to the husband of one of your colleagues telling him you loved him and make no attempt to disguise that it was from you? Of course not.

Original poster

Neenypeep · 14/02/2015 14:11

Thank you all for your thoughts. I have decided that telling DP is not a good idea. There's nothing to be gained from it and it could cause a lot of problems.

however, I agree with you. It is a really inappropriate thing to do. I'm going to ignore it but if he brings it up I will tell him in no uncertain terms that it was unwelcome and disrepectful.

And now I am going to forget about it and spend a nice day with my dp.

OP posts:

Emu1969 · 14/02/2015 14:20

Also get in a few very complimentary comments about your DP within earshot of card sender. How he's taking you away somewhere etc.

BIWI · 14/02/2015 14:28

Are you absolutely, absolutely sure it's him? If you are 150% sure it's him, I'd put it in a bigger envelope, with a written note inside the bigger envelope telling him that you feel that this is totally inappropriate given that

a) you work together
b) he's senior to you
c) your partner also works with you
d) you have a partner

Don't apologise for it, and don't say you don't want to hurt his feelings. Keep it factual and dispassionate. But leave him in no doubt that you are not interested. Even if you didn't work together.

I think this is actually quite creepy and potentially abusive behaviour on his part, and you need to stamp it out straight away.

And I certainly wouldn't be socialising with him or inviting him to your house in future.

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 14/02/2015 14:28

I certainly wouldn't feel flattered or complimented by it - he knows you're in a relationship so this makes him a knob.

Emu1969 · 14/02/2015 14:31

Hmmmm is "inappropriate" the right word? So he fancies somone who he works with and is already in relationship. He wouldn't be the first, would he? Ok, so it's a bad and clumsy call, but I'm not sure envelopes and emotive words will help.

AMumInScotland · 14/02/2015 14:34

I know you've decided, but personally I would tell my partner I had received it. And if you have an HR department I'd likely have a word with them as well. This man obviously doesn't mind making himself a nuisance, even when he knows you are in a relationship. If he decides to mention the card to your partner out of spite, or hint about it to people at work, then he can make things look worse if you have 'hidden' it. After all, what else might he hint that you have decided not to mention to your partner?

sonjadog · 14/02/2015 16:09

I would rip it up and pretend it never happened. I don't see telling your boyfriend will bring anything positive to the situation. If you feel odd not telling him, then say you have no idea who it came from.

I would absolutely not do what BIWI says above. Sorry, but I think that, and also involving HR, would be a major overreaction.

Joysmum · 14/02/2015 16:10

I would tell my DH but then I respect my DH enough to trust him not to be a twat and for him to trust me enough to handle it.

Botanicbaby · 14/02/2015 17:29

Think you're doing the right thing OP (your post at 14:11)

You've a right to be pissed off about it tho, I would be too but ignoring it is def the best course of action.

Can't help but think it will likely change your working relationship with him as his inappropriate behaviour would make me lose some respect for him.

BIWI · 14/02/2015 18:19

Why would people rip it up and not say anything to him? This man has massively over-stepped boundaries, and is hugely disrespectful to the OP. Doesn't he deserve to be told so?

ZaraW · 14/02/2015 18:36

I would also rip it up and not mention it don't give it any more thought than it deserves (none). I would think going to the HR dept. is a terrible idea that's a huge over reaction.

WineWineWine · 14/02/2015 18:44

I would bin it and ignore it, then just maintain a professional distance at work.

WineWineWine · 14/02/2015 18:46

BIWI sending a valentine's card is not massively over-stepping the boundaries, it's just ill-judged.
She might be wrong - it might not have been from him.
Ignoring it sends a clear message that she isn't interested.

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