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Original poster

Valentines Card from Colleague - help!

75 replies

Neenypeep · 13/02/2015 20:15

I'm 41, divorced, but in a relationship for the last 2 years. I'm not sure how to deal with this. I received an anonymous valentine's card this morning (I promise I'm over 18!) inside was a quote from Shakespeare beginning "I know that I love in vain..."

Thing is I recognised the handwriting. And I don't think he made any effort to disguise it. It's from a colleague, a man who started work with us about a year ago. We work very closely and get on like a house on fire in fact I'd say we're friends. We've socialised together and he's been to my house for dinner (always in a group situation and with my partner present) I'm very fond of him but don't fancy him in the slightest. He's 20 years older than me for a start. I really can't face things being awkward with him, I work with him daily, he's slightly senior to me (not a direct boss but would have an influence on my career) and I really like working with him.

This is complicated by the fact that my current partner is also a colleague (yes, clearly I should get out more but I'm a single parent). He knows this man well and they get on. My partner doesn't work closely with either of us though.

So I don't know whether I should just ignore it or should I tackle this before it escalates any further. Also I don't know whether to tell my partner. Normally I believe in full disclosure (in fact I insist on it as my marriage ended in a hail of infidelity and deceit on ExH's part) but this could make it awkward for him at work as well.

Sigh, apart from anything else I know this is completely inappropriate behaviour on this man's part both personally and professionally and I'm pretty angry with him.

Help!

OP posts:

jasper · 15/02/2015 17:20

I've seen everything now.
Harassment ? HR?
tear it up and step back from the friendship

SolidGoldBrass · 15/02/2015 21:20

While it's fair enough to remember that repeated cards/flowers/chocolates from someone you do not want a romantic relationship with do constitute harassment (however nice the gifts and however charming the sender may appear to other people), one isolated romantic advance is not a crime. Nor is it a terrible thing to make one approach to someone who already has a partner. People are not property, and can decide for themselves whether or not they wish to remain monogamous.
He (if it was actually him) sent the card anonymously. He might even have been a bit pissed when he sent it. Ignoring it is the option that leaves you both with your dignity intact.
If he does make another advance eg ask if you got the card or something then you can tell him politely and firmly that you are not interested in him romantically. But, again, you only need to start shrieking for official protection if he still doesn't back off.

fluffyraggies · 15/02/2015 21:40

Yes, while it was sent anonymously
a) there's a chance OP could be wrong which would be massively awkward if she raised an official complaint against the guy, and
b) he's not expecting anything to come of it. It's not a hopeful attempt to find if OP is interested - because she's not meant to know who sent it!

Original poster

Neenypeep · 16/02/2015 11:35

Hmmm, I'm just returning to this now I didn't realise there would be further debate.

Firstly I am 100% sure that it is from him. There is no chance I am wrong. He made no attempt to disguise his handwriting which is quite distinctive and I would have plenty of examples of handwritten notes etc. from him through work. Thinking about it, he clearly wanted me to recognise it. However the fact that he didn't sign it gives me an escape clause so I'm really hoping that by simply ignoring it that will be a clear enough message to back off.

I will not be reporting this to HR. The card went into the bin as soon as I realised where it came from. Obviously I will reconsider if the situation develops so that it affects my work. It will unfortunately change our extremely good and productive working relationship if only because, as an earlier poster pointed out, I have lost a considerable amount of respect for him.

The one thing I am uncomfortable about is the fact that I haven't told my DP. I would have if they didn't work together. DP would behave impeccably (there'd be no fist fights in the corridor) but it would make him feel very uncomfortable and awkward and I don't want to do that to him. At the same time I hate the subterfuge. I'm pretty pissed off at being put in this position.

Thanks again for all the advise and input!

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 16/02/2015 12:44

Actually, one more thing to consider: is it remotely possible that this card was not intended for you? Is the sender the sort of absent-minded type who might put letters in wrong envelopes, especially if he has a lot of correspondence to send. It might sound a bit daft but people do manage to send the wrong thing to the wrong recipient sometimes. (I once did it with sodding Ebay sales, that was a total PITA and cost me quite a bit in retrieving the parcel and compensating the other purchaser).

But unless there are further developments, this really is a very trivial thing to get so upset about.

zfactor · 16/02/2015 13:05

Tell your DP. It's worrying you, it could have repercussions, you don't want to have to be explaining why you kept it a secret at some point in the future, the bloke who sent it might test to see if you've told your DH (maybe he's told someone else he's sent it, maybe they might mention it?) and might read something into the fact that you haven't. You could end up looking foolish and possibly a bit deceitful if your DP found out without you telling him. You've not done anything wrong by receiving the card, your DP isn't likely to over-react, so you've nothing to lose by telling him.

If your DP was in this situation, wouldn't you want to know?

sonjadog · 16/02/2015 15:02

If you are feeling odd about not telling your DP, then I think you should tell him.

shovetheholly · 16/02/2015 15:44

I would definitely tell your DP - but in a way where you both laugh at the ridiculous side of this, but also perhaps stress the fact that you are really not sure that it was him (even if you are). Laughter is honestly one of the best ways to make someone feel secure in these situations. It doesn't have to be all huffing and puffing and aggressively comparing the length of each other's.... ruler.

As for the sender - I would just ignore it. You have a great working relationship. If you don't blink, I bet this will all go away. If the sender does have the temerity to raise V-day submissions as a subject, then I would simply say: 'No, I didn't get a card. Because if I got a card, it would make things really awkward between me and the person who sent it as I have a partner. And I really wouldn't want that, because we get on brilliantly as friends, but could never be more. So good job I didn't get one '.

MummyBeerest · 16/02/2015 16:21

Yeah, I'd just ignore it. He likes you; he told you in his own way. Nothing needs to come if it.

I'd still tell your DP, because you never know who else knows about it at work. Better he hears it from you and knows it's not a really big deal.

Drew64 · 16/02/2015 17:48

Quick reply...

To all those who said rip it up and forget it...
You are all clearly in relationships where there is no honesty or trust or are all single and should stay that way!!!

This is NOT the way to deal with something that may be quite trivial and apart from anything else, I would be flattered if my wife got a valentines day card off an admirer

Drew64 · 16/02/2015 17:51

OMG! I've just read that you threw it away and havn't told your DP!

What do you have to hide??????

SolidGoldBrass · 16/02/2015 17:56

This is turning into another of those Mundanes are Fucking Weird threads. If the OP's partner finds out, all she needs to say is, I didn't think it was worth bothering about. Poor old sod was probably pissed when he sent it.
Because that's the rational way to treat the whole business, not all this panic and palpitating and suggestions that the OP call the police. One single Valentine card is not harassment, even if it's not appreciated. The OP is at risk of making it into a far bigger problem than it needs to be.

BOFster · 16/02/2015 18:01

Some of the Mundanes agree with you though, SGB. It's about 50-50. Does that make you 25% Mundane?

ShutUpLegs · 16/02/2015 18:03

This is has all got very pearl-clutchy and hysterical, hasn't it?

What is to be gained by saying anything to anyone?
BY throwing it away, OP's DP doesn't have to deal with feeling uncomfortable around a work colleague. OPs colleague gets to save face by it all being ignored and OP has the good sense and grace to keep it in perspective.

IF - and only IF - colleague make an inappropriate approach or over-steps a boundary should any action become necessary.

Jeepers.

BlueDressingGown · 16/02/2015 18:10

I always think on these 'should I tell DP?' situations, what it would look like from another angle.

If a woman came on here saying she'd found out her husband had got a v day card from a woman he works closely with and hadn't told her, I'm pretty sure the majority view would be that the husband has something to hide. Where is this card now? Oh he says he ripped it up and put it in the bin... Yeah right.

I think you should tell your DP or you are effectively colluding with this other man in his disrespect of your relationship.

LadyintheRadiator · 16/02/2015 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CatKitten · 16/02/2015 18:20

You can't possibly say that you are 100% sure. What about the prospect that it is someone mischief making and trying to make the writing look like his?

Valentine's day cards are a common place way for people to be a bit provocative, stir up a bit of trouble and even test their partner's honesty (will he/she tell me about it? If not why not?)

UmizoomiThis · 16/02/2015 18:55

Yup, hr and harrassment. It wasn't a store bought card signed happy valentines from your coworker. It was handwritten Shakespeare poetry about unrequited love. I've unfortunately seen this happen at a couple of different workplaces and it always started out with a small thing which was ignored, and always ended with the woman being uncomfortable at her place of employment and quitting.

PiratePanda · 16/02/2015 18:58

Totally ignore. Pretend you never got it and never mention it. He'll get the hint and will be too embarrassed ever to bring it up again.

Topseyt · 16/02/2015 19:01

Ignore it. Bin it (he might presumably see it in the office bin???). Say nothing to either him or your partner. You only think it is him, I presume, as you think you recognise the handwriting. Isn't there just a slight possibility that you are wrong though? That is why I would say nothing.

Cool the friendship at work. He is a work colleague, nothing more. You can still be civil and outwardly friendly, but you don't need to socialise together.

Only mention the card and why you have followed this path if HE ever mentions it. Then just be firm and move on.

SolidGoldBrass · 16/02/2015 20:08

Reporting this to HR would be a betrayal of women in the workplace (which is far more important than anyone's couple-relationship, anyway). It would feed the idea some men have that women are witless infants, forever squealing for help and protection, and all they do at work is cause disruption. Crying and shitting yourself and screaming 'Harassment! Bullyiing' over one single minor incident makes for a far more toxic workplace environment than ignoring something that can really easily be ignored.

And by the way, other people's relationships are not something you can 'disrespect'. They are not sacred, and nor can they be damaged by other people without at least the participation of one of the partners.

Apatite1 · 16/02/2015 20:16

I've had this happen. I confronted the person in question, in a non-confrontational way, acknowledged his feelings, apologised if I had ever mislead him in any way and made sure he knew that we would never be more than friends. I have lots of experience in awkward conversations, I'm a very forthright person, so I had no problems doing this.

Not saying you should do the same, but it worked well in the end for me.

AnyFucker · 16/02/2015 21:05

I am SuperMundane

I agree with sgb

Oh dear sgb....you are dumbing down m'dear

scarletforya · 16/02/2015 21:07

Just totally ignore it. Forget it ever happened. By fretting about it you're giving it oxygen.

Original poster

Neenypeep · 16/02/2015 22:30

I'm afraid I am about the least likely damsel in distress you can imagine :-). So those of you who fear I may let down the sisterhood can sleep easy.

Seriously, I'm fine. I'm not going to blow it out of proportion. It's made me feel a bit uncomfortable is all.

Thanks again.

OP posts:

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