Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Valentines Card from Colleague - help!

75 replies

Neenypeep · 13/02/2015 20:15

I'm 41, divorced, but in a relationship for the last 2 years. I'm not sure how to deal with this. I received an anonymous valentine's card this morning (I promise I'm over 18!) inside was a quote from Shakespeare beginning "I know that I love in vain..."

Thing is I recognised the handwriting. And I don't think he made any effort to disguise it. It's from a colleague, a man who started work with us about a year ago. We work very closely and get on like a house on fire in fact I'd say we're friends. We've socialised together and he's been to my house for dinner (always in a group situation and with my partner present) I'm very fond of him but don't fancy him in the slightest. He's 20 years older than me for a start. I really can't face things being awkward with him, I work with him daily, he's slightly senior to me (not a direct boss but would have an influence on my career) and I really like working with him.

This is complicated by the fact that my current partner is also a colleague (yes, clearly I should get out more but I'm a single parent). He knows this man well and they get on. My partner doesn't work closely with either of us though.

So I don't know whether I should just ignore it or should I tackle this before it escalates any further. Also I don't know whether to tell my partner. Normally I believe in full disclosure (in fact I insist on it as my marriage ended in a hail of infidelity and deceit on ExH's part) but this could make it awkward for him at work as well.

Sigh, apart from anything else I know this is completely inappropriate behaviour on this man's part both personally and professionally and I'm pretty angry with him.

Help!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/02/2015 18:48

Unless I were 100% sure it was him, I would ignore it

AnyFucker · 14/02/2015 18:48

...and back right off from the work "friendship"

BIWI · 14/02/2015 19:17

Given that he is senior to her, works with her and also works with her partner, I'd say that was massively over-stepping the mark!

middleeasternpromise · 14/02/2015 19:18

Is it a crime to like someone? He's clearly struggling to deal with his feelings he knows there's no chance but he's put it out there. I'd have a word with him, tell him you had no idea (did you?) he felt this way - you're not interested and for his own sake he should get over it and move on with his life. Sometimes people need to get their crush out in the open to get over it - its not like he made a play for you in the stationary cupboard, he's used a Clintons encouraged moment to tell you what's going on in his head - if you do work closely together he probably knows he needs to pull himself together and sort it out.

MadeMan · 14/02/2015 19:24

I thought this was what Valentine's Day was originally for; anonymous cards to people.

Him knowing that you're already in a relationship is a bit of a wasted effort though, surely he doesn't expect you to dump your lover and join him?

Koalafications · 14/02/2015 19:26

I would ignore it.

itwillgetbettersoon · 14/02/2015 19:29

It is only a card! Not even signed by him! Massive over reaction. Bin it and move on. If it is colleague then he is just trying his luck. Ignore it and carry on being professional at work. Certainly doesn't need mentioning to HR. For what? An anonymous card!

sykadelic · 15/02/2015 03:15

Because it's anonymous I'd just ignore it and move on. You don't know for sure it's him, you're pretty sure. If he wanted you to know it was from him he'd have said so.

He may not be trying to "steal" you and instead just trying to show you that you're loved and appreciated. He may just have felt he needed to do it... If he'd identified himself it would be different but he hasn't. So just move on and ignore it.

getthefeckouttahere · 15/02/2015 03:24

I would definitely raise it with him. (the sender) i would calmly say that i think he sent it and that it was really unwelcome and inappropriate. I don't see a need to get angry with him. I would then draw a line under it.

I would of course tell my OH, but then i hate secrecy in relationships, about anything.

BOFster · 15/02/2015 06:17

My first instinct would be to tell my partner but ignore the card.

HOWEVER, that is probably the weasel way out. This guy has made things awkward for you at work. It needs addressing.

I'd keep the card, and email him (rather than speak in person, get in documented) that you find it inappropriate for him to send you it, given your professional relationship.

I understand that you might think you are vulnerable, work-wise, but if you take the bull by the horns and maintain your confidence, you need to realise that you hold all the cards here. This is sexual harassment. His job is at risk, not yours. Keep a record of everything and tell him to back the fuck off.

Timetoask · 15/02/2015 06:28

For goodness sake! It's just a card!!!
Don't make such a big deal of it, ignore it, bin it, forget it.

FindoGask · 15/02/2015 07:30

Emu1969 I think you need to look up "inappropriate" in the dictionary - it's far from an emotive word and I think it's perfectly apt in this situation.

Timetoask - ye-es, it physically is "just a card", it's made of card and folded in the middle, but it was sent on Valentine's day to make clear a romantic interest in a work colleague who is in a committed relationship. If you can't see how that would make things suddenly very awkward for the receiver, given that they have to work next to this person most hours of the week, I can only think you're being deliberately obtuse.

I would be cringing if I received this. I don't know that I would have the balls to address it with the sender directly, probably not - and maybe that wouldn't be the right thing to do. Probably best to give all appearances of ignoring it and distance yourself from this chap if you can, to avoid any possibility of mixed messages.

FindoGask · 15/02/2015 07:33

Google has the definition for inappropriate as "not suitable or proper in the circumstances". So. Hardly a clarion call for the OP to rally some angry villagers with flaming torches round the card sender's house.

sonjadog · 15/02/2015 12:30

It would be great if she did though. She might want to run it by HR first.

abbykins3 · 15/02/2015 14:12

BIWI. Massive overreaction!!

Guaranteed to cause both personal and proffesional mayhem.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/02/2015 14:52

Ignore it. Because he hasn't signed it and you only think you recognise his handwriting, involving HR and making a fuss would be a bad idea. Because you may be wrong (unless you are a handwriting expert) and even if you are not wrong, he would have the option of denying he sent the card.
Then you would look like a hysterical attention-seeker and/or a troublemaker in the workplace.

It's quite possible that it is a harmless gesture from an immature and socially inept man who will never bother you again. It may even have been a childish prank (I used to send joke valentines to people, though usually only to people I either thought would appreciate the joke or who richly deserved a good windup). If he does anything else, that's obviously done by him, then it would be time to tell him firmly thanks but no thanks. But recieving a card hasn't hurt you, it need be no more a problem than recieving junk mail.

AnyFucker · 15/02/2015 15:45

I think he was wrong or, as sgb says, socially inept to do this

but let's remember what Valentine's cards are meant to be about, because we do all seem to have forgotten these days

an anonymous way to tell someone you admire and fancy them

that is all

unless there is more creepy, stalky behaviour he hasn't broken any laws and it hasn't compromised you at work unless you let it

BOFster · 15/02/2015 16:31

Yeah, I agree, on reflection. Drink may have been imbibed

AnyFucker · 15/02/2015 16:34

this Valentine's stuff has gone way beyond what it was meant to be

I remember a more innocent time.... < muses >

UmizoomiThis · 15/02/2015 16:44

Pretend you don't know who it is from.

Go to HR with it. They will probably send an email to all reminding people about the company's policies regarding harassment.

Start distancing yourself from him so he knows you know but are pretending you don't to not embarrass him further.

I would tell my partner of your suspicions but not present it as I'm 100% certain it's him. He didn't sign it, after all.

AnyFucker · 15/02/2015 16:45

it's not an HR issue !

harassment ?

Bloody hell.

Koalafications · 15/02/2015 16:48

Oh FFS, Umizoomi that's a bit much!

My HR team would laugh if anyone went to them with this and would mark them down as being a trouble maker.

A one off card is harassment? I've heard it all now!

AnyFucker · 15/02/2015 16:50

Oh ! Oh! Somebody sent me an anonymous Valentines card. Instigate the harassment policy immediately!

You would be laughed out of the room. Seriously.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 15/02/2015 16:55

I would tell DH but that is because we tell each other shit like this and I can trust him to act sensibly and not cause more problems. Plus he would talk it over with me and help me decide how to handle it. I think given that it was sent "anonymously" the best thing to do is ignore it, and make sure you act nothing but professionally with this colleague (not suggesting that you weren't already).

SwedishEdith · 15/02/2015 17:01

Totally agree with AF's post of 15:45. Especially the bit about the original purpose of Valentine's cards - to anonymously tell someone you admire them. God, imagine a workplace banning them.

Flip

1 2 3