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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Was he using me?

70 replies

livvy88 · 13/02/2015 16:47

It's been a year since me and my lo's dad split up. I hadn't even looked at anyone else until recently. I got asked out on a date and agreed. He's 7 years older than me and I felt this was a plus because chances are he's not going to be an idiot. So we dated, went out for coffee etc and it was really nice. He told me how much he enjoyed my company and wanted to see me more. We then agreed to have a night in at mine, takeaway, drinks and films. He was so lovely, really cuddly, really attentive. Then things got a little heated and let's just say, I didn't expect it but it was good... We talked after and he reassured me that it wasn't just a one night thing and that I needn't worry about it. I woke at 3am and he was getting dressed and said he better head off. I'm aware he had a funeral to attend next day but he literally hasn't spoken to me since. It's gone from always texting me, to nothing at all. I'm pretty upset because I finally bit the bullet and felt good about moving on and this happens! What should I do?

I know it's not because I have LO because he too is a dad.

Your views ladies?

OP posts:
pictish · 13/02/2015 16:49

Keep your tuppence in your purse next time. x

Fudgeface123 · 13/02/2015 16:53

I hope your LO wasn't in the house at the time!

And yeah, sounds like he was after a shag

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 13/02/2015 16:53

I'm sorry but it does sound like you were used.

Some men do this, they don't want a relationship. Once you slept with him, he might have felt a bit "woah, not sure I want to get serious with this particular person" so decided to cut contact.

It's a shithead's trick, but there you go. You know he's a shithead now. Saves time.

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 13/02/2015 16:55

...this doesn't mean you slept with him too soon, btw.
You could have held out for months, and he'd have still left after the first shag.
Some of them just like the chase, and lose interest very quickly. Not pleasant.

Jan45 · 13/02/2015 16:55

Classic case of him getting sex and now he's lost interest, I don't understand why you invited him to your house, most guys would see that as a good possibility of getting a shag.

You can move on and have fun with a guy but don't have sex until you feel really ready and avoid situations like sitting on your sofa for starters!

You will be fine, chalk this up to experience and move on........

livvy88 · 13/02/2015 16:55

Uncalled for. It's not as though it was instant, it was over a prolonged period of time. People do start new relationships after a year. Thank you anyway I guess.

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 13/02/2015 16:57

You will kiss a few frogs in your search to find a good 'un. Just mark it down to experience and move on. Don't give him another thought.

Look after yourself.

ImperialBlether · 13/02/2015 16:58

Jan, where should the OP sit if she can't sit on her sofa?

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 13/02/2015 16:59

What's wrong with having sex with someone anyway?!
If it's going to work out it will, regardless of when you had sex. Making yourselves wait for an indeterminate period of time doesn't guarantee anything.

Jan45 · 13/02/2015 16:59

I assumed it was the start of the relationship? How long you been dating him

livvy88 · 13/02/2015 17:00

I invited him around because we had been dating for just over two months. I felt like I had we had something good and I was happy because things were finally feeling good for me again.

OP posts:
GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 13/02/2015 17:01

Two months is ages. Don't let anyone make you feel as though you should have been preserving your maidenhood. You didn't expect to be ditched, the guy lied to you.

Jan45 · 13/02/2015 17:02

My answer is based on you having a 2nd date with the guy, apologies if I have interpreted it wrong, and most men I know who got invited to a woman's home that early on would be thinking there's a good chance of sex. I am not anti sex I can assure you...Grin

livvy88 · 13/02/2015 17:02

Thank you- It's good to know that not everyone out there throws out their judgement for an innocent question. I'll take this as experience. Thanks for your time.

OP posts:
Fudgeface123 · 13/02/2015 17:06

Well if you'd have said 2 months in your OP then I don't think you'd have got the comments you did.

Still hope the kid wasn't in the house though

NamesNick · 13/02/2015 17:06

OP sorry this happened. he is obviously a twit and doesn't deserve you.

please do not alter your ways. continue to go with your own instinct and don't bother with the opinion of pearl clutchers.

oh my god. you had sex with a man after knowing him a short time in your house...big deal. he wasn't the one im afraid and you can chalk that to experience.

fwiw I slept with dp on the first night and now we live together, even if we hadn't entered into a ltr I still wouldn't be beating myself up over having had sex on first night.

Don't look at it like he used you. You had sex. was it fun? that is ok in my book.

lemisscared · 13/02/2015 17:07

oh what a shit :( some men enjoy the chase. guess he was one of those. it doesn't matter that you slept with him whenever..i slept with my dp on the first date. 22 years later and i still can't get rid of him Wink AND my dd was upstairs!!!

at least he has shown his true colours now rather than further down the line.

take a few days and feel sorry for yourself. treat with Wine and Cake and brush yourself off. there's no rush and i think its always best to try on a few before you decide.

TheFecklessFairy · 13/02/2015 17:08

Nah - you used each other. You both wanted, and got, sex. What's the problem?

And why is it always the bloke using the woman?

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 13/02/2015 17:09

Some tough responses here!! I don't think you did anything wrong at all. Buzzard bird is right, he was a frog and doesn't deserve a second thought from you.

NamesNick · 13/02/2015 17:10

agree with TheFecklessFairy

if you want sex. have it. be safe

pictish · 13/02/2015 17:13

Hey I wasn't alluding to the OP having done anything wrong! I was going to write something about it being grand to want/have sex on a first date, so long as that's all you're after too.
But I do think if you're in the market for anything other than a ONS it's better to hold back a little.

livvy88 · 13/02/2015 17:13

No my little one wasn't in the house.

OP posts:
pictish · 13/02/2015 17:13

p.s I didn't write it as it seemed superfluous.

Poolbirthx2 · 13/02/2015 17:14

Jan45 - "most met you know who got invited to a house this early on would be expecting sex"

I think that depends on the kind of men you invite back. In the past i have certainly invited men i were dating to my house and never had sex.

Op - i don't think you have done anything wrong, i think it is just him and you have had a lucky escape! X

niceupthedance · 13/02/2015 17:15

Did you contact him after?

If no response I would have given him a piece of my mind, frankly. I can't stand bad manners.

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