Its over. I'm broken and it fucking hurts!!

[muffpuff]

Tonight I called quits on my first and only proper relationship. We've been together for 15 years. Since we were in bloody school but the past 4 months have been a living hell as depression took hold of my gorgeous, funny husband and its twisted him into someone I don't know. Someone I don't want around. Someone so selfish I want to scream at him for being such a dickhead.

But I have 2 kids to look after and I can feel myself being pulled into the dark world of his and they need me to be strong for them.

He can't fathom what he's doing wrong and I just can't find it in my heart to love him, this stranger anymore.

After a lot of sobbing, clinging and talking its ended, we're done. 5 months into our marriage, our happy ever after, we've crashed and burned.

I'm heartbroken for our family, he's wallowing in self-pity. I've done the right thing. In the future I'll realise this and my chest will stop aching but for now I'm in fucking pain and just need to vent.

He's just told me tonight he wants to move closer to his family 250 miles away as he thinks its here that's depressing him.

We live in social housing, I have a part time job that I love and he is in and out of unskilled work because he keeps deciding he doesn't like them. When we married he was in a stable job but that fell apart (of his own doing).

He's seriously suggesting upping and leaving to an area we don't know with no employment, housing or savings with 2 children because he might be happier then.. I can't figure out how anyone could be so bloody stupid and selfish.

Sorry that seemed like a major dripfeed, I just need to rant

There seems to be more to this. Is he getting help for his depression? What exactly has been going on - depression can do strange things to people.
It seems odd that he became depressed apparently almost immediately after your wedding. Is there a connection? Money worries? Any other odd behaviour?

He's been feeling this way for years apparently but didn't want to mention it to me as he knew I'd say no. I've been trying so hard to support him these last months being told that he didn't know why he was down and generally being ignored.

Another thing that grinding on me is that I was never keen on the idea of marriage but he laughed it off and sort of talked me into it because we had been together so long and were unlikely to split up bla fucking bla. He knew he felt this way but didn't think to tell me, when I knew there was something wrong all along :(

Ok, cross-posted. Isn't there a compromise that could be made? Possibly it's not going to be the solution, but perhaps it could be considered?

Try not to discount his needs as 'stupid and selfish'. I spent a long time in a relationship where he insisted on living in the middle of nowhere and it was depressing and very crap. It sounds like maybe he needs to 'find himself' a bit, though. Perhaps he could consider college or some sort of retraining?

It does sound like a bad soap episode

He's been on meds for 3 weeks but docs have upped them as doing no good. He's adamant its where we live.

No wedding related issues but it does seem to coincide.

My eldest son just keeps asking why his dads always sad and never wants to play, they can't like that.

We moved from the outskirts of a busy city to a small town because where we lived was a total shithole but we can't just upsticks and go which is his suggestion.

I told him perhaps if we saved for a few years and looked into housing/jobs in different areas but he can't handle waiting that long apparently.

He said he loves us but he can live with his family and visit... It doesn't add up, people don't just leave their wife and children who they love because they don't like where they live but he won't admit to this.

It does sound a bit like you're judging harshly, though. It wouldn't be very nice if you wanted something and he just to,d you to stop being stupid or something.

Not to say you should just go along with it, but perhaps at least show him you are willing to discuss it, and consider a plan later on if he still feels this way in some months or a year. He certainly sounds down, but refusing to at least be open to what he's saying may well frustrate the issue.

Three weeks is no time at all for antidepressants, by the way. You usually won't find much happens until week six or so. No idea which one he's on, but some can also make you feel worse for the first few weeks - find a few forums and read the threads about starting whatever it is he's on. Some of these things have major side effects.

Only you know if there might be something else going on. Though he wanted you to come, right?

It might be his way of trying to run away from problems, it might be him thinking it will be the solution when 'we take ourselves wherever we go'.

Or it might actually be the problem. What's your gut feeling? If you went to school together, how did you end up where you are now?

My husband actually comes from the other side of the world. Though, I occasionally wonder if he landed from another dimension, but I digress.
I married him knowing that one day he might decide he wanted to go home. I would go with him. I don't speak the language, but hey. Self-growth and new things and all. It's good, sometimes, not to be so rigid.

What sort of time frame is he looking at? Will he agree to plan properly which gives you all a chance to go as a family, or does he want to go now? If it's the latter, then I don't think you have much choice but to live apart, at least in the short term, because I agree with you - you can't just up sticks away from house and job, to nothing.

Depression is an illness, not a choice.

quietlysuggests, this man is depressed and has form for being flaky when it comes to employment. The Op has a job, a house and two children. Quite rightly she is prioritising the needs of three over the want of one.

I think you have done the right thing, it sounds like his fantasy of moving is the last straw and you've realised that despite all your efforts he will always prioritise himself. Hopefully the new meds will kick in soon and the depression will ease.

Stay strong.

Very very sorry to read this. it looks rather like he's thrown his toys out of the pram because for once, you've refused to go along with his plans. :(

I agree 3 weeks isn't long enough for the meds to have truly kicked in - is he actually taking them? I do entirely see your point about moving - you are the one with the stability and he has form for lack of stability, whether that's due to his illness or due to his character is open to debate.

It seems almost as though he pushed you into getting married because then you'd be more "tied" to him and have to go with him if he wanted to move; except you're not of course.

Hopefully the meds will start to work soon, and in the meantime he can indeed live with his family, but hopefully they will give him a kick up the arse as well with regards to his inability to stick to a job.

Ridiculous to suggest that the op should give up their stable housing and her job because her husband wants her to. What a load of shit.
OP it may be that he has felt this way for years or it may be related to his depression. Either way I think you need to detach and let time make things clearer. Either the medication will kick in and his perspective will change, or he will move to his parents and stay there.

Sometimes when people have been together a long time things can go wrong and its quite common for one of the people involved to then push for marriage in the hope it will make everything better. Perhaps this is what your husband did, he was unhappy, you got married and he's still unhappy, and now he knows things do have to end - and its being fixed so that you do the ending.

What a nightmare for all of you. I am right there with you in terms of living with the depression of another. My DP isn't diagnosed as he hasn't yet seen a doc about it but crikey, he is sucking the soul out of me with his low mood where he is a pessimist with everything. It is bloody hard work.

You are right to put your children first. They are your priority and uprooting them could be worse for them. Let him go to his family and see what happens. He may come back with his tail between his legs or it may be that he is happier. You can then decide what is best to do for the rest of the family.

For richer for poorer, in sickness and in health ...

He is being treated for depression, he is sick. Anti depressants take more than three weeks to work. Do you really want to leave your ill husband? Can you give him some time to get better and then see how you both feel? Poor man I bet he is also broken.

Iwasinam - yes late twenties, its not out of character for him to be a bit stroppy but he has barely spoken about anything other than his depression for months, he won't do anything at home, won't do anything with the kids people have gradually stopped visiting and phoning because he just won't speak and its making people really uncomfortable. All of that is completely put of character for him. Service wise I'm new to this so I don't know how much help is out there but he's refused counselling, is taking 60mg of something and has been signed off work.

Quietly yes, its been brewing for about 2 months. Around the time when he stopped speaking to me about things, stopped playing with the kids and started job hopping. I said depression had put us here not him, I want the man I love to come back, the one who puts his kids before himself. The one who I could laugh, have fun with and speak to. But he says he can only be that man 250 miles away, if it were just me, fine, but I won't make 2 kids homeless without a penny income or savings in the process so yes I am using that as an excuse

He would like to go within the next 4 weeks whilst he's signed off sick because he can't face going back to work or dealing with life here anymore. He can't explain what he doesn't like about here other than its smaller. I've told him its something I'd consider as say a 5 year plan to get savings together, find out where the hell we'd be going (he wants to move somewhere more central but not where we're from because its a shithole), sort out schooling, housing and employment and to give him time to get this bastard depression under control but he doesn't want to wait.

Random I know that but he won't accept help, won't speak and we can't live like this forever.

Thumbwitch, thank you. I think I'm hurt by his admission that he's felt this way for so long but didn't feel the need to tell me but its now transpired he told friends and family at the the other end of the country this was his plan at the beginning of December. That bloody hurts :(

Blinking, he's spent 2 weeks away already and came back the exact same saying he was a bit better there.

I know its an illness I've tried to support him, tried to speak to him, tried to encourage counselling and suggesting things that he might enjoy doing and maybe help lift his mood I.e the gym, paintballing, football but he literally won't speak about it and moving away is the only solution apparently.

There is a line in marriage vows - 'in sickness and in health'....

Depression is an illness. Your husband is ill. And after four months of illness and a tiny three weeks of treatment you have just ended your marriage?

My dh suffers from depression. He can't help it. He certainly doesn't deserve to be in emotional pain and distress. It is damn hard to live with sometimes but it's worse for him. Once his meds kick in he's a lot better.

My dh would give anything not to feel like this. Depression is a selfish illness but it's treatable.

Three weeks of treatment is very short. I'm just a bit stunned that anyone would end a marriage because their spouse got ill.

There are other options. Give the meds a proper chance to work. If you can't live together then live separately until his treatment works without ending the relationship. We did this for six months because DH's illness was impacting the dc. He improved and came home. All was, and is, well. He will probably get ill again and we'll deal with it.

What would you want him to do if you became ill?

I've been through all this, I know I'm a selfish cunt, I know I'm a shit for abandoning him when he needs me and I know its worse for him, I know its not his fault but I don't have the strength to hold 4 people up by myself!!

I'm struggling to deal with my eldest asking why his dad never smiles or why he just sits on the sofa silent, refusing any questions of playing with him.

I'm struggling to deal with sitting for hours on end in silence because he won't speak, I'm struggling to help him want to help himself and I'm struggling to deal with the fact that the only way out for him is to make our children homeless with no fucking money or anyone to go to and he can't understand why I'm saying no to this. But insisting he needs to go NOW for his sanity.