Its over. I'm broken and it fucking hurts!!

[muffpuff]

Tonight I called quits on my first and only proper relationship. We've been together for 15 years. Since we were in bloody school but the past 4 months have been a living hell as depression took hold of my gorgeous, funny husband and its twisted him into someone I don't know. Someone I don't want around. Someone so selfish I want to scream at him for being such a dickhead.

But I have 2 kids to look after and I can feel myself being pulled into the dark world of his and they need me to be strong for them.

He can't fathom what he's doing wrong and I just can't find it in my heart to love him, this stranger anymore.

After a lot of sobbing, clinging and talking its ended, we're done. 5 months into our marriage, our happy ever after, we've crashed and burned.

I'm heartbroken for our family, he's wallowing in self-pity. I've done the right thing. In the future I'll realise this and my chest will stop aching but for now I'm in fucking pain and just need to vent.

I think, from an armchair perspective, that he's focused on moving back to his family for a while now and has pinned all his hopes on that being the solution to all his problems, which clearly it won't be because his problems stem from his illness and within him.
Maybe he missed his home/family to start with, maybe he let that get to him, maybe he let it sink his spirits and he started to spiral down into deep depression - and so he feels that it's the "only solution" now. Except it won't be. Because he is now ill, and that needs to be addressed before making drastic moves that will upset the apple cart of your family life and stability.

Maybe that's causing him to refuse other types of help - because he's so fixated on moving back to his family as "the cure" - but what will he do if moving back doesn't fix him? It's going to be one hell of a shock when (if?) it doesn't, what's he going to fixate on next that will "cure" him?

I think he really does need to see a counsellor to work through this fixation, apart from anything else.

I'm not fucking ending it because he's I'll, I'm ending it because I can not put depression before my children!!

*ill

This may be obvious - but why not say to him - ok- you go to big city and sort out housing for 4 and a job for you to and then when I have a job there too we'll be able to join you as a family.

Too not to.

There is a middle ground option. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Live apart for a time, give him chance to get better. Then talk. His depression has him fixated on what he thinks is the only solution, but when he is better that could well change.

I think you all need time and not just a few weeks. You may end up splitting up anyway, all you risk is time, but you may end up with your Dh back as he was before. I did, after six months of separation and treatment for him.

Last year I was incredibly mentally ill for about 5 months. If my DH had left me then I would never have forgiven him. We are now back to being happily married.

If you honestly would have left him this time last year but were hanging on for some reason and this was the tipping point then that's reasonable. Or if he was doing fuck all to improve his condition (no meds etc)

But if you are leaving him purely because he has been ill for a few months I honestly think your children will look back and think badly of your decision.

Antidepressants take 3-6 weeks to start working and then improve. The first few weeks most people feel far worse.

Cut her some slack, for goodness' sake. OP is not leaving her sick husband. She is not even declining to go with him. She is declining to up sticks at a moment's notice to follow him to the other end of the country before putting sensible support in place, like somewhere to live and something to live off for example . She'd be feckin' irresponsible to do otherwise IMO. It won't help her DH's MH one bit if they all end up in very poor circumstances.

You are not being a selfish Bitch at all, you are protecting yourself and your children.
Your DH is looking at moving as being a solution to your problems but it's not, you would have all the same problems and more but in a different location. It's very sad but if you feel the best option is to stay where you are and he won't consider it then suggest he goes with an option to come back when/if he feels better.
Ignore people who say you are giving up, I have lived with a mentally ill parent and it nearly destroyed us all.

OP, you aren't abandoning him. You are staying in your home and caring for your children. It's his choice to go elsewhere.

If you go with him and it isn't the magic solution where will he want to go next?

Your children deserve a stable home and you are doing the right thing.

I agree with poster above, live apart. It does not have to be all or nothing, he may very well get better.

Do a trial separation and this may be the trigger for him.

I'm sorry to read this

My DH has periods of depression, but refuses to do anything about it. Each time he heads into one, I see the signs - but too late to do anything to help. And each time, it gets worse - and I'm his 'punchbag'. (Not literally) It's absolutely shit to have to live with, so I totally, totally get where you're coming from - especially if you're the one keeping the family afloat financially and - by the sounds of it - practically as well.

If you've been together for that long, and were at school together, presumably you know his family well? Could you talk to his parents about it and ask their advice? If he's already told his family I wonder if he's been completely honest about your situation and what he's asking - i.e. do they know that the financial burden rests on you rather than him?

Perhaps his parents could talk to him?

Otherwise, I think I'd say to you to give it another couple of weeks to see if the anti-depressants help him. But if not, and nothing improves, to be honest I'd tell him to go - to go back to his family and sort out a job and somewhere for you all to live, and then you'll consider/investigate opportunities for you to find work.

Good luck. Horrible situation to be in.

antidepressants can take months to work not weeks
sometimes you have to change medication ot dosage

I symphatise with you as my ex was taking pills but was never interested in actually addressing his depression and it's roots

Christ, all these people saying just move house. Wtf? Do not move to make somebody else happy if it's notwwhat you want.

Men aren't expected to move location on the whim of their wives, are they?

Your kids deserve stability, and so do you.

I sometimes wonder if I am reading the same posts as other people on MN.

The OP is not the one leaving. Her husband is. She is wanting her family to stay rooted in their known stability, and her not being prepared to journey off into the unknown with two children involved does NOT make her selfish, it makes her a responsible parent.

I think thumbwitch is right.

Firstly, you have to put your kids first (as you are doing!), including their stability.

Secondly, he pushed you to get married when you weren't that keen, then 1 month after marriage started getting depressed? I'm not sure that's a coincidence. Not at all sure. It sounds to me like he's been having things going on in the back of his mind, and maybe now he's got the perceived security of marriage, it's coming out. That's a guess mind you. But it does happen.

Thirdly, what thumbwitch says - he might be pinning all his hopes on his family being what will make the difference but that might very well be a desperate hope and illusion. You don't know. To up sticks and disrupt the children and leave a job you love on that less-than-reliable maybe-it'll-help is unwise.

Fourthly, depression is an awful illness. But if he's not really engaging in treatment, whatever you do won't make a difference.

Maybe he does need to give these meds more time to work, 3 weeks is pretty soon. Or change the meds after a few weeks. If he can eat reasonably well and if he can sleep that will help, and if he can take some exercise. But that is something he can only do for himself ofc.

Good luck, this sounds so sad.

secondly, he pushed you to get married when you weren't that keen, then 1 month after marriage started getting depressed? I'm not sure that's a coincidence. Not at all sure. It sounds to me like he's been having things going on in the back of his mind, and maybe now he's got the perceived security of marriage, it's coming out. That's a guess mind you. But it does happen.

Yes, this .

OP I think you're doing the right thing to stick to your guns and keep your stable job and home together for your DCs. If your DH is unwell and behaving irrationally he needs proper medical treatment. Right now it sounds as though he's casting about trying to find some quick fix to his problems... different jobs, different locations etc .... and if you try to keep up with it and pander to every erratic idea, all you'll achieve is disruption.

It may not be the end and you don't have to rush straight into divorce. With treatment, he may get back to normal and realise he's made a big mistake. Alternatively, he may simply want out of family life and everything else is a smokescreen.

You are not doing anything wrong. Your DH is doing what feels right to him at the moment. Hopefully once he has had help, been on meds for longer, he will want to rebuild your relationship. I am sorry you and your family are going through this. I hope you have a good support network in rl.

I think you're getting a rough ride from some posters. Yes in sickness and in health and all of that but what good will it do when you are ill through the sheer stress of keeping everyone going.

If others can do it bully for them, but for me when my 3 year old was asking me why daddy is always crying I realised that I couldn't let my children's happiness become affected by their father's mental health. Yes it's an illness, but with other illnesses it doesn't sap the soul from the family. My father had a life limiting illnesses and I can say that it was still easier, because the communication and love that we had always shared was still there. With depression you're robbed of that and it is terribly lonely for the spouse who is trying to cope.

It may take a while for the medication to work, it may take a while to find the right one. I would also recommend talking therapy in conjunction. You may also be able to get help from your dr, its a well known fact that the partners of depressed patients are in danger of becoming depressed themselves.

For what it's worth I think you're right. You have made decisions based on what's best for your children, and ultimately they are always the most important people.

It may be that your husband has to hit rock bottom before he can pull himself back up. It isn't for you to fix him, you can only offer help. If he would feel happier with his parents etc at the moment then he should do that, but I would probably explain the situation to them.

Ultimately this may not be the end for your marriage. Take a day at a time and look after your own health.

There did used to be a support thread for us partners on the mental health board if you wanted to have a look.

OP I think you are doing what you need to do right now for you and the DC. Maybe if he runs off back home, and realises that he doesn't feel any better, then he will become more open to help? In the meantime you are doing the right thing in keeping things as stable as possible for the three of you, so that if and when he does get better, he will still have a home and family there to come back to. I hope it all works out for you, whether that ends up being as a family of three or four.

I think you're doing the right thing.

If dh wants to move and believes he needs to to get better, then let him go. Let him see if it's the magic fix he needs (it isn't). Maybe some time alone to heal is what he needs.

You cannot sacrifice a stable job, the dcs school and your home with nothing in return.

I can't imagine losing all those things will help his mental health! It would make it worse and it would put enormous stress on you and the dcs too.

I hate the trotting out of "in sickness and in health". It's produced as a trump card. But it does not trump the dcs' happiness and security. They must always come first.

You never know he may get better and you may be able to rebuild.

This isn't you abandoning him, it's him making demands that are not rational and that you can't agree to. If he can't be persuaded to find a solution that doesn't mean moving, then it puts you in an impossible position.

for you. I really feel for you all.

Muffpuff, I also wanted to say that I've been on both sides, and in so many ways it's easier to be the one with the illness than the one in a relationship with someone with it.

No, it's not definitely worse for him.

It's awful for both of you.

It's unfair and there's no reason for it, it just is.

You are doing the hard bit of having to put the dcs first. You have to. You are. You're protecting them from the stress that you are going through.

Have some more

I get really when people have a go at those finding it hard to cope with their partner having depression. It's an enormous thing to deal with, and all the responsibility for everything falls on you. You are not given the same consideration that other people with ill partners get, because of the awful stigma attached to MH issues.

I really hope you have support for you.

So he has been on medication for three weeks? you aren't een giving them a chance to work, did you go to the dr with him? I took my DP with me when i went to the Dr so she could explain to him that very often people can get worse when they start on medication and that this is often a time when people are at the highest risk of suicide. She told my DP what to look out for and how to keep me safe. He struggles to see it as an illness but he loves me enough to support me, he also loves his DD enough not to split up her family because her mother is ill!

Would you be saying that you wouldn't allow it to affect your children if your DH had cancer? or would you abandon him the same way at the begining of his treatment?

Has your DH had any counselling?

Maybe he would be better off on his own...and able to find someone who sees a relationship as a partnership.

Don't think i don't understand, i do, my illness has taken its toll on my DP and i hate myself for it, but when im struggling i can't see it, i just can't.