Its over. I'm broken and it fucking hurts!!

[muffpuff]

Tonight I called quits on my first and only proper relationship. We've been together for 15 years. Since we were in bloody school but the past 4 months have been a living hell as depression took hold of my gorgeous, funny husband and its twisted him into someone I don't know. Someone I don't want around. Someone so selfish I want to scream at him for being such a dickhead.

But I have 2 kids to look after and I can feel myself being pulled into the dark world of his and they need me to be strong for them.

He can't fathom what he's doing wrong and I just can't find it in my heart to love him, this stranger anymore.

After a lot of sobbing, clinging and talking its ended, we're done. 5 months into our marriage, our happy ever after, we've crashed and burned.

I'm heartbroken for our family, he's wallowing in self-pity. I've done the right thing. In the future I'll realise this and my chest will stop aching but for now I'm in fucking pain and just need to vent.

I don't think people are being fair to you, OP.

You've been together for 15 years, from school. I am absolutely certain that you are not throwing this away lightly. What you are describing is not someone who is simply depressed, but someone from whom you have grown apart. You're describing a slow change in his behaviour towards something very selfish, and because you haven't given many details of that selfishness, I think you're being given an unnecessarily harsh ride here.

My suggestion would be that your DP has probably always been selfishly inclined, but that it mattered less when you were younger. You're now older, and have responsibilities, and his behaviour is far more damaging that when you were freer. He's probably not handling that very well, and it sounds like it's a factor in his depression. Basically, some men struggle to grow up and to grow into adulthood, and I think if you start a relationship young, they basically miss out on a lot of experiences that are important way posts in that process.

I know what it's like to live with someone who makes sudden, random snap decisions in a childlike manner (in my ex's case everything from 'I'm going to start a chess cafe' when he couldn't even make a cup of tea, to 'Let's move to New Zealand!' with no connections or jobs there) It's deeply threatening not to have stability or reliability in your life, to have someone just fling your security into the wind on a whim, without consultation. I think there is a difference between depression and utter selfishness of this sort, and I am sure you are aware of that.

I was given a VERY hard time by a number of people for leaving my ex because he was 'depressed'. I didn't leave because he was depressed, though, I left because he was an asshole, in a way that went back years before the illness. And I was also depressed at the time, but that didn't seem to make any difference to the people who lined up to accuse me of heartlessness. We argued all the time, he was incredibly irresponsible and flaky and my life was a misery. I was accused of abandoning him in his hour of need when I actually made one of the best and most rational decisions of my life, to leave someone who never lifted a finger to help. The sense of peace on not having to deal with his crap any more was wonderful.

Shovetheholly I'm sorry you got a hard time. It sounds like you made the right decision. You didn't abandon him, your relationship failed in general. Where a relationship isn't working and one person is currently ill, there seems to be a view that that relationship should be kept at all costs. That's not true. But it can mean a lot of guilt is piled on the person who leaves. Which isn't fair.

I've been where you are Muff and nobody should judge your decision to put your family before your DH. My dh has depression. Yes, it's an illness and yes it should be treated with compassion. But that doesn't mean you should put your dh's (perhaps irrational) needs ahead of your dc's needs for stability and a happy home. Only you know how much damage is too much for the dcs.

One problem I've found being married to a person with depression is that he will (logically) look round for immediate causes for his deep unhappiness. Obviously when he looks around at what's making him feel like this, the first thing he sees is ME, the dcs and secondly his job. So I become the major cause (in his head). I get blamed for causing his unhappiness by being too grumpy, too talkative, not talkative enough, too nosy about him, not interested in him, too demanding of attention, not enough sex etc etc etc. Depression colours his view of everything around him. It sounds like your dh is doing much the same. I'm unhappy living here so it must be the place that's the problem.

If it was like this all the time I would not be here but ADs have massively helped DH. Once the ADs kick in DH can then see that I'm not the reason he has depression, nor is his boss, nor is where we live. In fact antidepressants have saved our marriage more than once because they've helped DH be himself. I'd suggest you give it a little longer (2 or 3 months?) to really make such a life changing decision of ending your marriage. Give the meds a chance!

How old are your dcs? Mine sound older than yours but I made the mistake for years of trying to hide dh's depression from our dcs and pretending everything was happy happy happy. It had the effect of the dcs thinking they were to blame for their dad's grumpiness and lack of interest in them. Eventually after one of dh's nasty rants in front of the dcs, I told them that their dad has an illness called depression that makes him feel sad and cross about everything, that it wasn't their faults, he still loved them very much but that depression sometimes made it difficult for him to behave like that and that he was seeing a doctor and taking medicine to help him feel better. It helped enormously between the dcs and dh for it to be in the open and discussed.

Good luck Muff.

I think the OP should be given support not be slated for not putting her and her children welfare because her husband has depression.

OP you know your husband, you know he will still be depressed when he/you all move back home, except then you will be homeless, have no jobs/money. So the he will be more stressed/depressed.

I think your right you need to protect you children from this as much as possible. You can still support your husband but from a distance.

If DH's judgment is impaired by illness he can't very well make coherent decisions. I agree with Thumbwitch maybe he rejects counseling because he thinks people will try and talk him out of what he feels he needs to do.

It's too soon for the meds to have kicked in, at the moment he is blotting out what you're saying because he is focussed on getting better and upping sticks for a fresh start appeals.

Like previous posters I would suggest he moves to where he wants to live and look for a job and over the next 6-12 months see if he improves. He paved the way with his family back in December so it sounds like he can count on support there.

I appreciate it’s draining to be around someone so negative that consequently it feels like there is little or no life left in the house, only deflating emotions that everything else revolves around. Obviously this will have had a major impact on your own mood and it might be worth talking to your own GP.

I agree with the PP who suggested a third way. Let him sort out jobs and housing, and then you will consider it.

I was in your husband's position and had similar ideas. I took me a while but I am better than ever, with help of meds and wife.

Assuming there are no other reasons for a split, I think that ending it right now is not the way to go - as hard as it is.

Lemisscared why do you feel its your place to say the OP doesn't love her dh or children. Frankly thats an awful thing to level at someone who is trying her best for her family.

People who are saying that they would up sticks with two children, no money, no job and no accommodation are either liars or in lala land. Yes children need love, but they also need food, heat and shelter.

OP cannot fix her dh. Ultimately this is something only he can do. OPs role is to look after her children first and foremost, which she is doing.

where did i say that???

Last sentence of your first paragraph: "he loves me enough to support me...and not split DDs family because her mother is ill." Is there another way of viewing this statement?

Muff you are hurting but it's not all over yet. It's not your fault. I am going through similar thing to your OH and have been on AD's for 3 months now. My workload increased and eventually I cracked, work was my problem (18yrs in job) and wanted to move 300 miles away to get away from it all, my DW told me to see GP who signed me off work and put me on AD's. At first AD's were not working infact made it worse, accused DW of having affair at work, then of having a lesbian affair, then questioned wether all 3 DC's were mine finally blamed everything on DW because lack of sex. GP changed AD's signed me off work for another 4 wks, AD's statrted to work after about 4 weeks (8 weeks now) and things are getting better, I'm back to work but phased return and DW stood by me all the time (23 yrs together) but she has been through similar herself so knew what I was going through.
My advice, tell him to get back to GP for more time off work and discuss AD's. Give him as much support as you can to help him through this but stick to your guns and don't move, let him go if he needs to but leave the door open for him, when the AD's kick in I'm sure he'll see sense. Be strong. Hope it all works out.

you can take it however you like. It's a statement of fact. i couldn't possibly say how the op feels. i would suggest she does a bit of research and try to get some understanding of her husbands illness. Aybe find out what medication he is on. 60mg of "something " what is that something? has she looked up the side effects and the likelihoid that her dh is likely to get worse before he improves? she doesn't seem willing to give an inch! if he had cancer would she still want to walk away

Its very aparent that you dont! I think Lemi we are seeing things from two totally different perspectives.

My own dh was depressed. Was off work for months, cried all the time, shaking, he lost stones in weight. Different types of medication. Counselling and CBT. I ended up having counselling because being responsible for literally everything including my dh's health I ended up off work with emotional burn out.

I am still with my dh but it was very very hard. And having lived with someone with a leukaemia disease, cancer is in no way comparable. Because that person was still there: ill and in pain etc but still available. Depression robs you of that person. I ended up having counselling because of my DHs depression. It totally affected our dc. Frankly I stayed because I accepted it wasn't my place to fix him. I can help but he has to do it. I refused to be involved with reminding him about drugs etc...to get better requires engagement.

My DH did engage and did everything he could to get better. From what I can see the OPs partner wants to run away. Which I can understand, however the OP simply can't do that given the situation. If it helps her DH to go to his parents, with them knowing the situation this may be better because it could save their relationship long term.