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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how much can i moan before i get accused of abuse

59 replies

Stinkydad · 12/02/2015 14:05

I have a partner of 10 yrs and she is very opinionated / stubborn
I leave her do all the major decisions as this make my life easier ( if I have an opinion , its usually the wrong one , according to her)

I have recently tried to reduce or get her to justify her monthly home outgoings
£1700 pcm is paid into the joint account every month to pay for food ,elec , school , clothing etc etc

plus she has another £400.00 pcm from a property she lets out
but nothing is left at the end of each month , its all gone
I pay for all the major bills such as the car , holidays , heating oil etc etc
we live in the countyside and have a lovely village school but she sent our kids to another school 5 miles down the road ( I didn't agree to this but she did it anyway)
now things in work have gone a bit quiet and im trying to save some money for a rainy day just incase the worst comes to the worst
how can you tell someone to stop buying clothes in boden , shopping in Tesco , traveling 80 miles a week and to reduce her spending without being told that i'm putting her down all the time ?

OP posts:
DeliciousMonster · 12/02/2015 14:09

How about: we need to sit down and go through our spends, reassess our finances and work out how much our budgets are.

You seem to be saying it is all her - you leave her to do it all then moan when she does it all [not to your liking].

I'd say the most important thing here is for you to step up and take some of the burden off her.

SusanIvanova · 12/02/2015 14:11

The way I would do it would probably be wrong to many on here. But I would calculate bills and the like, look at food costs and put only that into the account. I would put the rest in a savings account. After a discussion of course.

Stop bowing down to get because it's easy, you're a grown ass adult and your opinions matter just as much. Don't take my advice about money - it wouldn't suit everyone but please try to work on your communication. Perhaps couples counselling could help there.

SolomanDaisy · 12/02/2015 14:13

Well for a start you don't tell her what to do. You explain your worries and say that you'd like to make some joint decisions about reducing expenditure, so you can start saving. Then you have a conversation like a married couple with equal responsibility.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/02/2015 14:21

What you're really saying is that she's a terrible spendthrift and, if you question where it goes, you get told you're being offensive. I don't think it's abusive or offensive to want full openness of family finances. Someone spending £2000+ per month on groceries, fuelling a car and what sounds like not a huge amount else is really going some. There's got to be a grown up converation about it, all the bank statements, all the credit card bills (yours as well of course) and everyone knowing what's going on. If she genuinely needs that much cash, she should be able to demonstrate why. You're meant to be a team

Original poster
Stinkydad · 12/02/2015 14:24

today for example , my daughter had a accident with her eye and she has taken her to the optician, fine by me ( but ) instead of going to the one next to the school , she's driven 20 miles & back to the nearest big town shopping centre instead
i am just looking at the cost all the time , she doesn't understand this :(

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/02/2015 14:31

Well I have sympathy for her on the eye specialist thing. You want the best when it comes to health and if that means paying little more and driving a few miles to another town, that's what you do. Come on. Some areas you economise, some you don't

It's the day to day costs, the regular stuff, that you have to discuss like grown ups. If the family has no savings and the income isn't as healthy as it was then she has to be made aware & choices have to be made, the Boden catalogue left out for a while or wherever it is the money goes

What's the rest of the relationship like? Do you work as a team? Do you communicate well generally? Are you close as a couple? Or are things breaking down ....

Original poster
Stinkydad · 12/02/2015 14:37

optician was just an example ,
we have a lovely village school , but she decided to take our children to another school 5 miles down the road
swimming lessons are 20 miles away , passing 2 on her way
( can you see my point )

OP posts:
vinegarandbrownpaper · 12/02/2015 14:38

I think you should call men's aid and the police. Domestic abuse no longer has to have solely physical effects.

I know of someone who had a relationship like this. She eventually divorced and married a wealthier man and used her children to extort money from the old relationship and doubled the cost of her lifestyle with the next. She is now on the third version of this pattern.

Try an adult approach sure, but keep one eye an the fact its controlling and minimising

SukieTuesday · 12/02/2015 14:43

She's 'opinionated / stubborn because she disagrees with you?

If the school is 5 miles away and she has to drive there and back twice a day that's 20 miles. Taking the children to school doesn't sound frivolous. The nearest optician (or school) isn't necessarily the best. Food costs money and Tesco isn't Fortnum & Mason! It sounds like you are against any spending so I can see why she might not want to 'reduce or justify' her spending.

AnnieLobeseder · 12/02/2015 14:43

This isn't really about the money, is it? It's about the fact that the two of you can't communicate in an adult manner and reach agreements that are satisfactory to both of you. It's no way to live. You have to decide whether this is a deal-breaker to you. It would be to me - I would not be able to tolerate my DP having so little respect for my opinion on how our household is run. What would happen if you said that you wanted to sit down and come to a fair, joint agreement on how the family money is budgeted? Does she accuse you of being abusive if you try to open a dialogue? Would you say that you approach the subject in a fair, calm and non-aggressive way? Would she agree to couples counselling?

Longtalljosie · 12/02/2015 14:43

This reply has been deleted

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/02/2015 14:45

I'm sorry but the school, swimming lessons and an optician is not adding up to £2000 per month... even in petrol. Is she aware that the income is looking less secure? Does she agree that you need to build some savings?

sliceofsoup · 12/02/2015 14:49

Is she unhappy in the area you live? I am not trying to find excuses for her, I am trying to work out why she would make life harder for herself. Forget the cost of everything for a second, and wonder why she wants to drive 80 miles a week on school runs, and why she would want the hassle of driving further away for appointments and lessons. I like to spend money, but spending money on petrol can't be fun for anyone surely.

You do need to talk about the finances. Its not controlling or abusive to talk about it. Does she know your work has been quiet and you are trying to save?

I wouldn't be happy if my DH put the DCs into a school I didn't agree with, we make all the decisions together. I think there is a lack of communication in your relationship. If you feel the communication was there and she knew your feelings very well and still went ahead and did it anyway, then what were her reasons for putting them in the school 5 miles away?

Original poster
Stinkydad · 12/02/2015 14:49

background,
we don't sleep together or in the same room
she has 2 double beds in the main bedroom and all my 4 children aged 2-8 sleep with her in the room , despite us having 2 empty bedrooms ( is this normal ?)

OP posts:
SukieTuesday · 12/02/2015 14:52

I'm out.

Rebecca2014 · 12/02/2015 14:52

You are a pushover. Leave, what are you getting out of this relationship?

sliceofsoup · 12/02/2015 14:55

"Leave" is not always the freaking answer.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/02/2015 14:55

I don't know about normal but it doesn't sound anyone's very happy with the arrangement. When did things start to deteriorate? Have you ever sought relationship counselling?

Joysmum · 12/02/2015 14:59

Surely you can go through your bank statements to track what's getting spent where?

You obviously need to have an awareness of what the basics cost so you can assess what is luxuries and what is her own personal spending.

Then you need to ensure that whatever is left after the basics is shared between you both so you have equal money to spend on yourselves.

whattodoowiththeleftoverturkey · 12/02/2015 15:02

Can you get the children lookes after for an evening and then the two of you have an honest discussion about all of the issues in your relationship. This can't be a happy family life.

Original poster
Stinkydad · 12/02/2015 15:03

we've already been to relate ( 1st comment she said after coming out was " that councillor was shit ")
relate did help for a bit but im not up for that again.
I've more or less gone to lead a single mans life again i go to work, go home , spend an hour with the kids and they all go to bed
its not a life i want to lead as its very lonely sat in front of the tv on your own at night
although Sunday we spend all day together we don't talk a lot

OP posts:
vinegarandbrownpaper · 12/02/2015 15:11

Well separate rooms does happen.. and could count as 'separation' so be cautious.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/02/2015 15:12

If counselling has failed, everyone's unhappy, you're already leading totally separate lives and your main contribution is financial, might a more formal separation not be an option? Keeping all the children in a bedroom sounds like she's protecting them from something.

queenoftheknight · 12/02/2015 15:15

"my children" ??

Hmmmmmm.

Original poster
Stinkydad · 12/02/2015 15:22

wps ( our children)

OP posts: