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Original poster

how much can i moan before i get accused of abuse

59 replies

Stinkydad · 12/02/2015 14:05

I have a partner of 10 yrs and she is very opinionated / stubborn
I leave her do all the major decisions as this make my life easier ( if I have an opinion , its usually the wrong one , according to her)

I have recently tried to reduce or get her to justify her monthly home outgoings
£1700 pcm is paid into the joint account every month to pay for food ,elec , school , clothing etc etc

plus she has another £400.00 pcm from a property she lets out
but nothing is left at the end of each month , its all gone
I pay for all the major bills such as the car , holidays , heating oil etc etc
we live in the countyside and have a lovely village school but she sent our kids to another school 5 miles down the road ( I didn't agree to this but she did it anyway)
now things in work have gone a bit quiet and im trying to save some money for a rainy day just incase the worst comes to the worst
how can you tell someone to stop buying clothes in boden , shopping in Tesco , traveling 80 miles a week and to reduce her spending without being told that i'm putting her down all the time ?

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 12/02/2015 15:29

OP, I really sympathise with you, but I'm trying to see this from her perspective too. You knew that she was opinionated and stubborn when you met her, and you married her anyway! Presumably you didn't really discuss the financial disparity between you before you got hitched either. Presumably she's been used to living like this for some time, and it can be difficult to adjust to spending less when you are used to more.

I think you should sit down with her and explain your worried about the future. If you've already tried this, and it hasn't worked, I'm afraid that you might want to think about setting some absolute boundaries and thinking about taking action if they are crossed (i.e. leaving).

shovetheholly · 12/02/2015 15:30

*you're

Original poster
Stinkydad · 12/02/2015 15:36

we are not married
she had a good job before we had kids but has kept up the spending as if she is still working
it not just about the money its more to do with being accused of belittling her or putting her down when i challenge her

OP posts:
scotchmincepie · 12/02/2015 15:38

This sounds like my husband's ex. And was one of the reasons they got divorced (there were others) but she spent money like it was going out of fashion and in a way that impacted on him. Now divorced she is still spending money that she hasn't got (v generous divorce settlement all gone) and he's still having to bail her out.

But he's in a better position financially now they are split - he said he never felt such relief as the day their finances were split and she no longer had access to credit cards, joint account etc.

He's exceedingly generous and not controlling about money at all. But she was taking the p*ss. What he wishes he'd done was separate their finances earlier.

He sat down and talked to her - went for counselling - everything. Towards the end he said he thought she was doing it to punish him in some way. But subsequent behaviour has just shown she's useless with money.

She's a really nice person, generous to a fault, they still get on well but she doesn't get money.

That probably doesn't help you much - but I have so much sympathy for you and your position.

SolomanDaisy · 12/02/2015 15:43

Tbh you do sound like you're putting her down. It must be exhausting to be challenged on everything, including what optician you take an injured child to. Yet you don't want to take any responsibility for contributing to decisions. Presumably there is a reason she has chosen the other school. What is that reason? Why does she choose the swimming pool that is further away? I can't imagine she drives an extra twenty miles with four kids for fun, so what's the benefit? Do you know?

Original poster
Stinkydad · 12/02/2015 15:49

we are not in a position of debt , far from it , but i want to be able to save money instead of spending it
this years holiday is a caravan on a seaside instead if we would have saved and gone to centre parks
i just need here to realise that we need to save before spending
does £2100 a month seem a lot and have nothing to show for it ?
the bank statement will only show a balance paid to Tesco ect but not £50 she spent on wine etc
she used to drink a bottle a night , now she's has stopped altogether

OP posts:
Fatstacks · 12/02/2015 15:49

It comes across that you are micromanaging her with the mileage and optical, have you always worried about these things or are you feeling a bit insecure and unappreciated so it's manifested in these worries?

I would find a new councilor too.

Quitelikely · 12/02/2015 15:51

I don't think he's putting her down. I think they aren't agreeing on basic things. Not getting each other.

Now I don't get why, if the village school is perfect, she takes the dc to another school. But she must have given you her reasons? And you don't agree with them?

There seems to be a lot of things you don't agree on and if me and my dh disagree on something one of us lets it go because it usually only affects one of us anyway.

The school thing isn't really affecting you is it? Why not let it go? If the spending affects you why agree to that budget in the first place?

£2k a month can go quickly when you factor four children, packed lunches, clothes and shoes for constantly growing dc. Then clothes for your wife to keep smart. It all adds up.

Original poster
Stinkydad · 12/02/2015 15:53

her opinion is that the grass is always greener
the swimming pool is no better , the school is no better , in my opinion its as if she doesn't want to mix with the locals
unlike me i have loads of friends i can rely on , but she only has the 1 that lives 10 miles away
she doesn't mix with locals

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 12/02/2015 15:53

If she has that to spend each month do you have a similar amount to spend each month ?

Original poster
Stinkydad · 12/02/2015 15:59

no a lot less ,£1000 per month but i have to pay all of the big bills
heating oil , car tax, car repairs . house mainanace , holidays , all the big bill that are not monthly

OP posts:
DopeyDawg · 12/02/2015 16:00

can I just ask why you chose that thread title, OP?
it seems really defensive? do you feel that way?

you certainly sound unhappy.
but you sound unhappy with her too, the spending the schooling the sleeping arrangements who she mixes with - lots of things.

Original poster
Stinkydad · 12/02/2015 16:04

every time i question her , its as if she feels that i don't trust her !
so i cannot ask a question with out being accused of something

OP posts:
Pinkje · 12/02/2015 16:07

Did she want to live where you are now? is this her protest that she'd rather be living in the town where the opticians is.

Perhaps she just doesn't understand the fuel costs but often that is why very rural houses are cheap in comparison to houses in town as the commuting costs do add up (as you are experiencing).

MinceSpy · 12/02/2015 16:08

Stinkydad are you happy in the relationship and what do you want to do to change things?
If you need to save money could you put less money in the joint account.
No your sleeping arrangements aren't normal.

Fatstacks · 12/02/2015 16:08

It depends on the question.

Why did you choose x school instead of y.
Fair enough question.

Why have you done 23.2 miles when school run is 20..... not so fair.

pocketsaviour · 12/02/2015 16:12

Honestly you come across as very passive aggressive.

I'm not hearing anything here about you actually sacking up and making decisions. "She chose this, she chose that". It sounds like you've been used to taking a back seat.

The sleeping arrangement thing - if true - is just frankly very odd and I find it hard to believe that anyone would accept this arrangement.

sliceofsoup · 12/02/2015 16:14

So she doesn't like where you live?

What were her reasons for choosing that school?

You are ignoring questions. I am afraid that you run the risk of getting answers that aren't comfortable when you start a thread. You don't have to listen to us, but if you truly want to know why your relationship isn't working then maybe you need to think about the questions that are being asked.

For all we know the lovely local school is underperforming and she knows that because she checked, and you are basing your judgement of it on appearances alone.

Original poster
Stinkydad · 12/02/2015 16:16

she lived less than a mile from were i lived , we have since moved into a bigger property in the same village
we have ( or rather she has ) had the idea of moving to Australia , its not as easy as just packing , and i was against the idea
if we move it will not change the person that she is
my family live near me , her mother lives 3 miles away ( they don't get on )
he father lives a few hundred miles away and have not spoken for about 20 yrs ( despite no falling out )
she doesn't speak to any of her brothers , the only thing she has is a mature daughter that has since moved away to live , and the children that we have together.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 12/02/2015 16:23

For goodness' sake answer a straight question.

"What were her reasons for choosing the other school?".

It sounds as though you don't know.

SolidGoldBrass · 12/02/2015 16:23

There's something missing from the information somewhere. Has she always been like this? This business of her taking the children into her bedroom while you sleep elsewhere: when did that start? And what was the reason - do you (allegedly) snore? Does one or more child have sleep issues or nightmares? Or is it the case that you object to contraception and she doesn't want to get pregnant again?

Vivacia · 12/02/2015 16:24

Why did she choose the other school?

  • She drives past 2 swimming pools to get to the one she chose for lessons.

Why did she choose a swimming pool so far away?

  • When our daughter hurt her eye, she drove to an opticians 20 miles away.

Why did she decide to go to that opticians?

  • She chose a school further away than our nearest one...
rb32 · 12/02/2015 16:34

OP, the bedroom thing IS odd.

I do know where you're coming from though. I'm facing redundency in a few months time so am looking to save a bit more every month and my wife is a spender. For example, she'll go into town and find a nice mirror we don't really need, text me and ask if she should buy it. I'll say something like - "If you must" or "Do we really need this?" and she'll get the hump with me because I didn't just agree and say "yeh, go for it!". And sometimes that makes me feel as if I'm trying to control what she spends money on. However, most of the time we find a comprimise so we're both happy as she understands the need to be relativly frugal for a while.

Original poster
Stinkydad · 12/02/2015 16:36

i am in work , so I've not questioned he about the opticians yet
how do i ask her without "seeming to have a go" ?

here opinion is that the school is bigger , therefore better.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/02/2015 16:36

£2100 is an enormous amount to spend just on groceries, clothes and incidentals. However, it can't be taken in isolation. You sound very unhappy as a couple - drinking/spending too much, sitting alone in a family home, etc - and I don't think you're going to be able to address the spending question until you find a way to resolve whatever it is that has driven a wedge between you.

Are you aware of at what point things turned sour? Has some crisis triggered the distance or have you drifted apart? Was there ever a good time in your relationship? What is she protecting the DCs from? You? Something else?

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