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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Depressed about depressed husband

55 replies

Fugghetaboutit · 12/02/2015 12:48

It's really getting me down. He has cycles of negative thoughts and gets really down, distant, unaffectionate and disengaged.

Happens every couple/few weeks. He blames it on work, but his work isn't that stressful - no commute etc.

We have a 2 year old and been together 5 years, and I feel like a cheerleader. He's better when he goes to the gym and takes b vits but will stop and lose interest. I have to be on his case to go.

I'm sick of having to be around these low moods, they rub off on me. He's never happy or cheerful, he's either really down or just neutral.

It's fucking draining. I would hate my ds to have to creep around his moods or feel like his dad doesn't like him, because that's how I feel when he's down

Does anyone else live with someone like this? Do they try and help themselves as they know the effect it has on others?

OP posts:

Original poster

Fugghetaboutit · 12/02/2015 12:49

He's having counselling but don't really notice a different.

OP posts:

tak1ngchances · 12/02/2015 12:49

Is he on meds?

Original poster

Fugghetaboutit · 12/02/2015 12:54

No and he won't consider them

OP posts:

sliceofsoup · 12/02/2015 13:02

God its so hard. I really feel for you. I have supported my DH through some really trying times when he was having counselling, and his mood was low. He still gets into a funk occasionally, and I have to talk him into helping himself.

Does your DH want to help himself? The problem is it really has to come from him. When I was depressed I had to reach rock bottom before I wanted to help myself. Though I don't think letting him reach rock bottom is very good advice, so I am not sure what to say.

tak1ngchances · 12/02/2015 14:06

He really needs to consider taking medication. Otherwise it's just selfish. I am saying this as a mum on medication for anxiety (which was seriously affecting family life)

Original poster

Fugghetaboutit · 12/02/2015 14:27

I'm going to tell him to talk to his gp again. It's affecting me and our relationship.

I don't know if he wants to help himself. He seems to like wallowing but maybe it's hard to come out of it.

It's so draining

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BankWadger · 12/02/2015 15:31

He sounds like my husband. I'm starting to consider AD's for myself because I feel so ground down by him some days.

Mine is on medication but it's all a bit complicated, so it's going to be a while until there is any dramatic improvement. Which is tough. I go from feeling like it's my job to make him do anything, to being totally fed up and ignoring him so I can get on with my own thing, to feeling completely guilty.

It's a vicious circle. He's not depressed on purpose, but his depression is a massive burden that I don't want to take on for him (it's hard to explain what I mean there - I can't be depressed for him).

Original poster

Fugghetaboutit · 12/02/2015 16:34

I understand what you mean.

I keep thinking, I'm only getting one shot at this life thing, I don't want to spend it depressed with someone negative and depressed. Sounds horrible and selfish

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MNHQ

YetAnotherHelenMumsnet · 12/02/2015 16:38

Hi there, we have moved this to Relationships as requested.

muffpuff · 12/02/2015 16:50

I'm in exactly the same predicament.

My husband has been on meds for 3 weeks and it hasn't made a blind bit of difference, he won't help himself and won't speak to anyone else and he's been signed off work for 4 weeks which won't help matters any.

Tbh I think our relationship is completely done because its gone on for so long. I'm devastated and feel so guilty for thinking it but I can't live with someone who won't even try to help themselves.

Jan45 · 12/02/2015 16:50

It's not horrible and selfish to not want to be around negative and draining people, it's common sense; I know I couldn't do it. Sorry that's not helpful, but really if he is not interested in helping himself then...he is an adult, it's not your job to jolly or cajole into making himself happy or happier.

I think it's a sorry state when you yourself are considering meds to cope with HIS depression, sometimes tough love is called for.

Original poster

Fugghetaboutit · 12/02/2015 16:53

It's crazy how it rubs off onto you isn't it? I'm left thinking, am I depressed?!

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muffpuff · 12/02/2015 17:01

Fugget yes!! I had that thought a few weeks ago but he buggered off to family for a week to clear his head and I instantly felt better so it definitely has a knock on effect.

We have 2 kids and have been together since school (15 years) so I'm really struggling with the change in him and the realisation that actually he's bringing us down with him :(

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/02/2015 17:08

Used to be with someone who was possibly depressed but certainly depressing. Sapped the life out of me in the end. He blamed stress, never saw anyone about it, self medicated with alcohol and quite honestly the whole thing turned into a 'poor me' monologue which he exploited . It's utterly fucking miserable and I've avoided similar personalities ever since. (Sorry if that upsets anyone because it usually does) We all want partners to be happy but it should be a two way street....

Original poster

Fugghetaboutit · 12/02/2015 17:12

He said well no one is happy all the time last night when I said you're down a lot of the time.

In my head I'm planning to stay with him until ds is a little older and I'm working and more independent again but I know that'll affect ds more as he'll be aware of us splitting. It's such a hard situation.

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Original poster

Fugghetaboutit · 12/02/2015 17:14

I met someone when we had been going out for a year and he was so bubbly and positive, always made me feel great. I always think what if I had ended things with H to be with him then and feel so utterly rotten about it.

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Original poster

Fugghetaboutit · 12/02/2015 17:14

muff I always feel better when he goes away on business too :(

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Original poster

Fugghetaboutit · 12/02/2015 17:16

Oh, and sex rarely occurs, maybe once a month if I'm lucky due to him being tired/down. Feel so fucking cheated by it all.

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muffpuff · 12/02/2015 17:16

Fuggeht I really do believe that its more damaging to stay together for the kids especially in this situation when we're the ones who have to hold it together for everyone.

My energy is plumetting and the kids need me to stay strong, as your lad does you, I need to think about my health now and I can't hold 4 people up single handedly.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/02/2015 17:22

'No one is happy all the time' is how my ex used to put it. Not content with nurturing his own personal black cloud over his head, he also seemed to resent it if I was happy (which I naturally tend to be). If I got home whistling a song and feeling upbeat I could guarantee he'd spend the next few hours doing his level best to bring me down.

I never miss him.

Original poster

Fugghetaboutit · 12/02/2015 17:23

Exactly.

I'm worried ds will become depressed or will think he makes his dad depressed.

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muffpuff · 12/02/2015 17:30

What a predicament to be in :(

I don't know about you, but I feel guilty saying things are hard because I'm not the one being mentally tormented by the awful thoughts and feelings but I'm dealing with the fallout and despite living my husband I just can't take this part of him.

muffpuff · 12/02/2015 17:31

Cogito did you have kids with your ex?

I think that's my biggest worry.

muffpuff · 12/02/2015 17:32

*loving not living

arlagirl · 12/02/2015 17:32

Ex h (divorced this week) like this.
On ads but still miserable, negative, irrational.
Blamed everything on his depression. Wouldn't change things about himself.
Thank god I'm free.

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