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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Depressed about depressed husband

55 replies

Fugghetaboutit · 12/02/2015 12:48

It's really getting me down. He has cycles of negative thoughts and gets really down, distant, unaffectionate and disengaged.

Happens every couple/few weeks. He blames it on work, but his work isn't that stressful - no commute etc.

We have a 2 year old and been together 5 years, and I feel like a cheerleader. He's better when he goes to the gym and takes b vits but will stop and lose interest. I have to be on his case to go.

I'm sick of having to be around these low moods, they rub off on me. He's never happy or cheerful, he's either really down or just neutral.

It's fucking draining. I would hate my ds to have to creep around his moods or feel like his dad doesn't like him, because that's how I feel when he's down

Does anyone else live with someone like this? Do they try and help themselves as they know the effect it has on others?

OP posts:

Original poster

Fugghetaboutit · 12/02/2015 17:43

If I didn't have ds I would be long gone, now I'm older I know I don't have to be in a relationship and settle for anything.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/02/2015 18:47

Had no DCs with my ex, thank goodness. His depressing personality was one of various reasons why not

Original poster

Fugghetaboutit · 12/02/2015 19:12

Why did I get pregnant? I ask myself so much. Love my ds to death. Didn't think he was that depressed then, maybe he was but I didn't want to see it as I so desperately wanted to be in a relationship

OP posts:

muffpuff · 12/02/2015 19:53

Fugghet has your DH always been this way?

Mine wasn't ever like this, we've had 15 good years together and 2 DC's that I wouldn't change for the world so my only regret is that it has to end this way :( Sorry for twittering, I'm only just realising all of this today so its very raw.

BankWadger · 12/02/2015 19:59

My DH has a long term MH issue, which he had when I met him. By itself it's not always easy to live with, but not impossible. The depression however is recent, but related to his other thing. The other thing is bad at the moment which makes him depressed. Hopefully if the meds kick in his depression will lift and my husband will come back. That's why I haven't asked him to leave this Winter. But honestly if he can't improve the depression, I will have to seriously consider not continuing our marriage.

It's a horrible thing to contemplate, but if the situation makes me sick it doesn't benefit me, him or our children.
In the mean time I do my best, cross my fingers and hope.

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 12/02/2015 20:01

Why do you need to wait to start working, get independent and separate?

How many more years?

LadyLuck10 · 12/02/2015 20:14

He doesn't want to help himself so he has no right to expect to drag you and your son down with him. Why wait till your son is older? He would by then pick up his fathers moods and that would be most damaging.

Original poster

Fugghetaboutit · 12/02/2015 20:30

muff I think he's always had social anxiety and other issues but since ds was born and I was preg he was more down.

I want to do a masters to increase my earning potential in my field which will take 2/4 years depending on if I do it full time or part time. Then I'll be able to take on the mortgage alone. But yes, ds will be more affected by then :(

I swing from thinking fuck this, life's too short, to ill stick through it and make it work for our family daily.

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JimmyChoosChimichanga · 12/02/2015 20:55

This probably isn't helpful OP but you are probably a lot more depressed than you think you are. I had an ExDP I was with for four years and he was like your DH. He would have maniac phases too and he could be abusive, physically so on one occasion but it was the relentless grinding depression and terrible corrosive negativity where every silver lining had a cloud that just ate away at me. I just felt like the colour had been drained from my life but I kept on trying. It wasn't until I was away from him for a while, I was aware of how far down I had actually got and that is what I mean by my first sentence. He went away for four days with business and I felt like a light was shining into my life and it made me realise how bad it was. I left. I don't know if anyone thought bad of me for doing so and quite honestly I don't care. They could not have had the first clue what was going on behind closed doors, but it took me ages to sort of find me again.
I think you should leave him. You can't mend him or change him or help him it seems if he won't take your advice. Leaving him may be the catalyst he needs to change and get well but even if not, I think you need to stop exhausting yourself in this battle. Don't feel guilty about leaving. Self preservation is key especially as you have a DS. This is one of those times when the cliché about life being to short really is true!

Original poster

Fugghetaboutit · 12/02/2015 22:00

Thank you Jimmy

OP posts:

bobinks · 12/02/2015 22:04

OP - please please try and get him to seek some advice/help from his GP. My OH suffers from similar and it was diagnosed as depression after years of me thinking he was just super moody. I was getting more and more resentful about it and so we spiraled down. I was initially 'pro' counseling my OHs idea of hell but GP prescribed anti-depressants for OH instead and it has really helped. I also stopped being unfailing cheerful (it was draining for me and OH never had an opportunity to feel needed and be the one supporting me, which meant his depression lingered). Think about seeing a GP or go for counseling yourself too - it really helps to get an objective view on the situation. In my case it made me realise I wanted to stay, but equally I think it could help a person realise they really don't want to stay. I wish we'd got help sooner TBH. Good luck

cestlavielife · 12/02/2015 22:09

Google "depression fallout"
Anne Sheffield. Has a couple of good books.
See a counsellor yourself.

Set boundaries .

somewhatavoidant · 12/02/2015 22:35

Insist he tries ADs and/or sticks with the counselling. Try to find someone he can relate to and respect. It's time he did something to help himself, you and the family, . . . Or else!!
DH hit rock bottom ( awful for everyone involved) before he gave in and started meds. I noticed a small improvement after 4 weeks but he insisted he didn't feel any benefit himself for 12 weeks. The longest of my life and his. He was in a really dark place. Once a particular imbalance in the brain is reached, I really believe meds may be necessary to get the balance back. He was wary of getting addicted and obviously they are not to be taken lightly but I believe they saved his life, I really do. And my sanity. 2 years later he's doing great and 10 months off the Ads with no ill effects. Sometimes tough love is required. Put your foot down OP, good luck!

muffpuff · 12/02/2015 23:15

Well we had "the chat" and it turns out that he's depressed about where we live and would be happier 250 miles away nearer his family even if it means without me and the kids.

Needless to say I'm in bits but have called time on our fucking sham of a marriage :(

Onwards and upwards and all that...

jasmineramsden · 12/02/2015 23:24

Totally agree with Cogito (as per)

jasmineramsden · 12/02/2015 23:25

Cross post sorry OP

BankWadger · 12/02/2015 23:29

Oh Muff, that's hard.

Original poster

Fugghetaboutit · 13/02/2015 07:28

Oh muff, I'm sorry. Hope you're ok?

To be honest I'm wondering if he is depressed or just a sulking bastard.

Sometimes he'll walk in and be all jovial if something's gone his way during the day. And if he's with friends he certainly seems animated.

Last night he said he doesn't like the house we've chosen to buy and wants to look around more (we've put and offer in, it's accepted, now waiting for surveyor).

I think that's why he's been 'down' as it's been on his mind. Basically, I really like this house and he's gone along with it. I'm pretty pissed off tbh.

Also, on the weekend he was 'down' and I'm sure that's because I needed a few hours away from ds after having him for 2 weeks straight while he was away on business, then came back and announced he wanted to go watch football with the guys on Saturday all day. When I said no way, I'm having a day alone he then gets 'down' sulks

My heads a wreck tbh.

OP posts:

petalsandstars · 13/02/2015 07:38

Sounds like he's playing on it if he is depressed though

Original poster

Fugghetaboutit · 13/02/2015 07:43

Hes a very fatigued person; walks really slowly, does everything very slowly asking obvious questions at each step. Very irritating to live with tbh. I thought it was down to depression being very slow, talking slowly etc.

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DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 13/02/2015 08:02

Sulking bastard then. Speaking as a former depressed and depressing arsehole, we need MASSIVE DRUGS. Counselling can work, and if you've got a decent brain so can CBT. But ADs is where it starts.

Sympathy is a no no. It rewards the sulking, while not providing the spark of anger and disgust I needed to get fixed.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/02/2015 08:10

If he's turning the 'depression' on and off to suit, there's a big chance it's a manipulation technique. Not getting his own way.... sinks into a bad mood.... you want to cheer him up so agree to something you wouldn't have agreed to normally..... own way achieved....

Original poster

Fugghetaboutit · 13/02/2015 08:23

Yes, I agreed to look at the house he's obsessed with last night because he said 'I'm annoyed you won't even look at this house I love' so I agreed as it seemed reasonable to even though we've already found one

Disgrace I don't even think he's having cbt, I think it's just normal talking counselling which probably doesn't help, just drags up old shit. I'm glad you sorted it out. I called him spoilt and unreasonable.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/02/2015 08:54

I think you've seen through him, quite honestly. Even if there is some sort of underlying melancholy or depression, it becomes increasingly difficult to dredge up any sympathy once you realise that you're mostly being played.

Joysmum · 13/02/2015 08:56

My DH went to see the doctor after Christmas. His dad died last year and this coincided with his trying be be strong for me because my issues had nose dived last year and one of my best friends died the same week. The man I love became snappy and did things out of character and it was affecting his relationship with our daughter. He started to say it was because did...but when I asked him who else she was like that with he could see it was because of how he was behaving!

I told him if it carried on too much longer he couldn't count on how things used to be to keep her as patient as she had been and she stop rebelling and just block him out and he needed to do something.

It's what he needed to prompt him to take action. We went to the doctors together. They are still trying to adjust doseage and wait to see how he'll be when the drugs fully kick in but DD knows he knows he's not been right and has got help, plus we're waiting for a crus assessment.

I personally think telling them how much you love and miss who they were and explaining that how things are is not going to be tolerated unless they get help is the way forward.

I love my husband so much but I'd have put my daughter first and protected her. He knew that.

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