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Original poster

Should I help bullied girl?

60 replies

theobserver1 · 12/02/2015 12:16

There is a girl at my school who seems to be being bullied quite a bit. For instance, the other day, people tore her bag so that it is effectively broken and then pushed her down. Also, rumours about her are being spread. I have never been bullied if fact some of the bullies are my friends. So far, I have just watched the situation from afar and not intervened. However, I get the sense that I should do something?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/02/2015 12:21

Yes you should help her and the best way to do that will be to tell teachers what is going on, just as you've done above, naming those responsible. Don't be friends with anyone who is a bully because they're not nice people. Set high standards and don't compromise.. Make a special effort to be kind and friendly with the victim instead.

But above all, report the bullying to teaching staff.

Pimpleminds · 12/02/2015 12:21

20 years ago I witnessed a bully beat up a girl in the school corridor. I wanted to help her but I was too intimidated by the bully and simply walked past. I have always regretted it.

Listen to your conscience. Is there a way you can think of helping without risking becoming a potential victim yourself?

pompodd · 12/02/2015 12:23

I agree with Cogito. Helping this girl in this situation is a brave thing for you to do and the fact you sense you should do something is really to your credit.

As the father of school age children (though quite young and certainly not as old as you), I'm very thankful that there are thoughtful and caring young people like you around.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/02/2015 12:26

What Cogito wrote.

I would also report this bullying to teaching staff.

Joysmum · 12/02/2015 12:35

Bad things happen because good people stand by and let it happen.

cog is spot on with this.

I'd also add that you should let the person you tell know that you'll speak to them again to check up on the situation and update.

Thumbwitch · 12/02/2015 12:35

Yes, do report the bullying to the staff. Witnesses can be useful, especially if there is a bullying culture and no one will admit to anything.

I take it you don't want to risk drawing the bullies attention on to yourself (understandably) - but could you maybe be friendly to the bullied girl? She might appreciate the support.

Original poster
theobserver1 · 12/02/2015 12:48

I do not mind drawing the bullies attention on myself. I do not get bullied but I imagine I would know how to fairly easily deal with any bullies. However, considering that these bullies are my friends. Would I be betraying them by reporting them? I will most likely report them anyway as I know it is not right to allow anyone to be bullied. However, it would be nice to know where I stand in this situation?

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 12/02/2015 12:50

Are you concerned that you would be seen to be "dobbing in" your friends?
Don't be. The right thing to do is to help those who need help - the wrong thing to do is to bully those weaker than yourself. Your friends are doing the wrong thing - they should not get away with it.

And yes, do consider whether you really want to be friends with people who pick on those they consider weaker than them - they're not really very nice people. You could do better, I'm sure. :)

redexpat · 12/02/2015 12:52

Why would you want to be friends with bullies?

Joysmum · 12/02/2015 12:54

Do they deserve consideration given their actions? There's very little consideration being given for the girl who's life they are making a living hell Sad

Andro · 12/02/2015 13:02

That you find yourself questioning your position in the situation is a pretty telling statement; we tell our children that they must tell an adult if they see someone being hurt/bullied/etc, then in the next breath tell them not to 'tell tales'. No wonder so many people end up confused about what they should do and when (as chat and aibu pay testimony to).

Follow your instincts and tell a teacher, both about what you have seen and your misgivings about reporting it. That way the teacher can act on the bullying, but can also support you if you need it (it is perfectly reasonable that you're struggling a bit if you have considered these people your friends and are now seeing a different side to them!).

Quitelikely · 12/02/2015 13:04

I strongly doubt the teacher will tell them it was you who told her.

Please do something, anything.

I feel so sorry for that poor child.

If you feel able to why not tackle your friends directly?

Well done for having a conscience.

Original poster
theobserver1 · 12/02/2015 13:05

Ok, thank you! How should I approach the girl and tell her I will do my utmost to stop her being bullied? She is a very lonely individual. I do not want her to think that I am only helping her in order to set her up for some nasty prank and I want her instead to help me help her.

OP posts:
cailindana · 12/02/2015 13:08

Why not talk to your "friends" and ask them what the hell they're doing?

I think going to teachers is brave, but in fact I've seen how little schools can do in situations like this, particularly if the victim themselves won't speak up.

Violetta007 · 12/02/2015 13:09

It would be in your friends interest to be found out. Bullies often need help and guidance from a pastoral team. It will help then in the long term.

Branleuse · 12/02/2015 13:10

tell the head teacher, in confidence.

Meerka · 12/02/2015 13:10

You could be seen as betraying them.

But sometimes, covering up for bullies (and liars and thieves and people who beat up others) by not speaking to a teacher is the wrong thing to do.

It's not a particularly easy choice you have here, but allowing the bullying to go on is way worse if you are confident you can protect yourself.

Theselittlelightsofmine · 12/02/2015 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flora717 · 12/02/2015 13:11

Report it. Go with her to report it. Anything else i imagine she would not trust.
People who are bullies are not 'friends'. Being nice to one person does not outweigh being vicious to another. You deserve friends who you'd be proud to associate with.

Original poster
theobserver1 · 12/02/2015 13:11

Should I talk to my friends and ask them to stop or not?

OP posts:
IsItMeOr · 12/02/2015 13:13

If it were me, I would tell the girl that I thought my "friends" were wrong to bully her, and ask whether there is anything I could do to help.

Be realistic. Just because you want to stop her being bullied, it doesn't mean that you will be able to, or that you will necessarily become BFFs.

But having been on the receiving end, it was horrible to be attacked so publicly and never have a single person even say to me that they thought it was wrong. I carried the shame at being bullied with me into adult life, and probably still do to some extent.

RandomFriend · 12/02/2015 13:16

Yes, you should talk to your friends.

But first you should report the bullying to the head teacher. Then talk to your friends.

IsItMeOr · 12/02/2015 13:17

Speak to school first. Hopefully they will be able to do some kind of intervention that makes it very clear that bullying is not acceptable and what will happen if it continues.

I don't think I could be friends with somebody who I thought was a bully, but assuming you are in your teens, it is such a time when everything is changing and up in the air, it is understandable that people make mistakes. Which is fine, as long as they can learn from them. Hope your friends do, otherwise I think you will find that you drift away to other, kinder, friends as you grow older.

flora717 · 12/02/2015 13:18

I'd tell them to sort themselves out. It may lose you friends but ultimately they are not exhibiting a trustworthy side.

Hoppinggreen · 12/02/2015 13:18

Ok, I am going to go totally against the grain here and warn you to be very careful. I have a daughter and if you were mine I would be very proud of what you are trying to do but very worried about you as well.
When I was about 11 for some reason I decided to stand up to a group who included friends of mine who were bullying a girl at my school. I also made friends with their victim.
Unfortunately I ended up being very badly bullied as well as a result, which affects me 30 years later.
What you are trying to do is very brave and I admire you for it, I am not saying don't do it or that your " friends" will turn on you but I just want you to be careful. Maybe try removing your friends by saying " shall we go and do xyz instead" and support the victim as much as you can without going full out on your friends about their behaviour.
All the people who are supporting your plan may not have been in your position and seen it backfire spectaculally like I did. It's not right or fair, you SHOULD be able to tell your friends it's wrong but don't set yourself up to be the next target. You could end up very isolated.
Sorry to be negative and I know my own experience is colouring my view. My strong grown up self wants to tell you to do the right thing but the lonely bullied 11 year old self wants to tell you to keep out of it.