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Original poster

Dodgy texts on DH phone?

71 replies

Lookingforsigns · 09/02/2015 14:25

Hi guys wanted your thoughts on this. DH and I have been going through a rough patch (counselling, me saying a was unhappy in the relationship etc)
He has a girl at work who he texts quite a lot and I was a bit concerned and so (and I know it's wrong) but I have been checking his phone. At first I saw a few flirty texts but nothing majorly dodgy but then I noticed he has changed her name on his phone from her first name to a generic surname (which is not her surname - think "smith") and also he has started deleting her messages. This started ringing alarm bells for me but then I looked the other day and there were some very incriminating texts from her.

"walking to work with you is worth getting up for" "I think I might wear your favourite dress to work today ;)" "I'm not having a go I just like talking to you, touching you and stuff"

The first two could possibly be explained away as harmless flirting but her saying she likes "touching" him? Am I crazy? I have spoken to him before about their relationship but he always laughs it off saying she is not his type.
Part of me thinks we are staying together because it's easier and we have 3 kids but if he was cheating that would be a real reason to split so I don't know if I'm looking for something that isn't there.
Anyway I'd love to hear your thoughts

OP posts:
NotYouAgainLorna · 09/02/2015 14:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

supernaut · 09/02/2015 14:28

He's lying.
And using the 'just friends' defence.
I don't think flirting is 'harmless' at all.

MythicalKings · 09/02/2015 14:28

Yup. Cheating. Sorry.

ChoochiWoo · 09/02/2015 14:29

Pretty incriminating stuff, id make him leave , sorry you're going through this.

Swingball · 09/02/2015 14:31

You aren't seeing something which isn't there. Something is most definitely there, sorry op.

Datahub · 09/02/2015 14:32

cheating

Jaded2004 · 09/02/2015 14:32

Def inappropriate and if not cheating then about to. Tell him what you've seen and if you're still not sure id follow it up ( if it was me) with asking her why the fuck she thinks texting my h like that is appropriate.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 09/02/2015 14:34

He's cheating.

Take photos of the messages.

Check anything else you can for other proofs - not that you need it, but he's going to go mad denying etc.

And then throw him out. No matter what you think you might eventually decide, right now - throw him out. You need space. He needs to see just how bad this is. After that, with him elsewhere, you talk.

Personally I couldn't 'forgive' a cheat and spend the rest of my life despising a part of my life partner, and never having peace of mind again. But that's for later.

Right now, get him out.

NeedABumChange · 09/02/2015 14:35

I'm pretty laid back compared to most MNers re: partners and innocent flirting but I'm sorry this doesn't sound at all innocent. Yes the first two could be joking or banter- the fav dress could be some awful patterned thing he teased her about but the last message is really very bad. And all three together, it really doesn't look good. Sorry Flowers

NeedABumChange · 09/02/2015 14:37

Can you check his photos on his phone? And his credit card statement, see if he's been where he says he has.

Datahub · 09/02/2015 14:37

agree with keeping evidence
Mate of mine did this so he couldnt back track

shovetheholly · 09/02/2015 14:40

Oh, OP Flowers. This is an EA at very least - I would bet cash that they've had sex too. Those messages are completely inappropriate and not at all innocent.

I am going to give you some advice which is extremely hard to adhere to. But it's good advice and it's what I would try to do in your shoes, though I don't myself know whether I'd be capable of doing it in practice.

I would say nothing, for now. I'd try to act as if nothing is happening. But I'd take a photo of every message, and I'd keep an eye on the conversation. And I'd follow him quietly to work and get some pictures too.

In the meantime, I would see a solicitor asap and get my ducks in line, so that I knew exactly what my position was and could make a calculated decision about the best time to throw him out! Things like finding out where money is (go back through statements!) are really important.

BuzzardBird · 09/02/2015 14:41

It's not so much what is said, it is more that he is trying to hide her on his phone and deleting her messages. If the flirting is one way only he should have told you and blocked her on his phone.

EMS23 · 09/02/2015 14:46

He's cheating on you, I sorry this is happening but you can now make some really good informed decisions and stop believing his bullshit about how it's all in your head. Harmless fun my arse - how about some harmless fun flirting with you, if that's what he needs?
Good luck x

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/02/2015 15:00

Highly suspicious and he may have laughed it off but if he's not actively discouraging her then he's getting a kick out of it at the very least.

The rough patch you refer to, did it start before or after they'd met each other I wonder.

Sickoffrozen · 09/02/2015 15:34

He might not be cheating yet but if he isn't, he is about to! They have probably kissed already and maybe more.

Do you want him in your life? Was it you who was unhappy in the relationship?

Theselittlelightsofmine · 09/02/2015 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jan45 · 09/02/2015 16:24

Not sounding good at all, either cheating or taking the absolute piss and totally disrespecting you, either way, tough words need to be spoken.

ImperialBlether · 09/02/2015 16:32

He's a liar and a cheat. Collect your evidence and decide what you want to do about it.

getthefeckouttahere · 09/02/2015 18:00

he is cheating or about to.

EA Shovetheholly, really? I have never considered EMA EA (too many acronyms!!) just shitty behaviour that shows you don't love somebody. Interesting thought though.

Original poster
Lookingforsigns · 09/02/2015 18:17

In answer to your questions yes it's me who has been unhappy and I have been unhappy for a while, we went through a similar "rough patch" about 4 years ago where I said the clichéd "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" to be honest I think we stayed together then because of the kids and because I was afraid I couldn't cope on my own. If he is cheating (and I'm not defending cheating) to be honest I wouldn't blame him, we have not been close and obviously with me telling him I am unhappy. We very rarely have sex and when we do its when I've had a few drinks as that's the only time I can face it. I'm not condoning what he is doing (if he is) but if I'm not giving him the love and affection he deserves then I can understand if he has looked elsewhere for it. I don't know what to do now though, I know he will go mad if I say I have looked at his phone but that's the only proof I have, and he has since deleted those texts anyway so he could just deny them.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 18:19

Yes, he is cheating

Your marriage is over for more reasons than "just" this though, yes ?

Theselittlelightsofmine · 09/02/2015 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worrieddadof2 · 09/02/2015 19:22

Just been through this with my wife. Whether its emotional or physical, he is cheating, plain and simple. There is never a reason to justify it.
Dont ask him if he is, tell him you know he is, you will get to the truth far quicker with that approach.

Original poster
Lookingforsigns · 10/02/2015 18:52

AF well yeah our marriage has not been doing well and this is almost the "push" I need. Worrieddad I want to confront him but don't know if I should get more evidence? Like shovetheholly suggested? But then again I don't know if I can carry on thinking what I do. I know he will go mad if I tell him I have been looking at his phone but that is the only evidence I have.

OP posts: