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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dodgy texts on DH phone?

71 replies

Lookingforsigns · 09/02/2015 14:25

Hi guys wanted your thoughts on this. DH and I have been going through a rough patch (counselling, me saying a was unhappy in the relationship etc)
He has a girl at work who he texts quite a lot and I was a bit concerned and so (and I know it's wrong) but I have been checking his phone. At first I saw a few flirty texts but nothing majorly dodgy but then I noticed he has changed her name on his phone from her first name to a generic surname (which is not her surname - think "smith") and also he has started deleting her messages. This started ringing alarm bells for me but then I looked the other day and there were some very incriminating texts from her.

"walking to work with you is worth getting up for" "I think I might wear your favourite dress to work today ;)" "I'm not having a go I just like talking to you, touching you and stuff"

The first two could possibly be explained away as harmless flirting but her saying she likes "touching" him? Am I crazy? I have spoken to him before about their relationship but he always laughs it off saying she is not his type.
Part of me thinks we are staying together because it's easier and we have 3 kids but if he was cheating that would be a real reason to split so I don't know if I'm looking for something that isn't there.
Anyway I'd love to hear your thoughts

OP posts:

SensationalGirl · 05/03/2015 15:40

Even if he didn't actually have sex with her that's definitely cheating in my book. How serious this is is up to you.

kittenzzz · 05/03/2015 15:42

I found out via messages that my DH had been on several what were essentially dates with someone. Confronted him and heard more or the less the same stuff that you have heard- they liked each other, but nothing happened, just enjoyed each others company, a bit of flirting and that they didn't have sex but it was definitely heading in that direction if I hadn't found out, good thing I did as it made him realise he was being an idiot etc. Like a fool I believed him. Fast forward 3 years and it came out that they had actually slept together on two different occasions. Of course they had. Two consenting adults who are attracted to each other and who have already crossed boundaries and don't expect to get caught don't just stop at holding hands. Why would they?

AgathaF · 05/03/2015 16:06

The nuts and bolts of it don't really matter. You are unhappy, he is unfaithful (to what degree is not entirely clear). He's chosen to get into a new relationship with another woman. Even if he doesn't ever contact her again, are you confident that he is committed to your relationship - to rebuilding it, to staying faithful?

If you want to separate, you can do. You have enough justification. You just have to decide if that is what you want.

magoria · 05/03/2015 18:48

They all minimise what happened. It is in the cheaters script. There could be a chance, an incredibly minute one, that your DP is different but...

He has already changed his story several times. First it was just flirting and a drink. Then it was romantic gazing into each others eyes over a table. Then some hugs, Ok long lingering hugs. Then a snog but no tongues. Oh come on who snogs someone they REALLY REALLY fancy and doesn't slip in a bit of tongue? And why does that make it OK in his books?

Can you see the tiny increases. Each one just a little bit worse after you have accepted the previous happened?

Now you have become the guardian of his morals.

It is luck that he didn't cheat. Nothing to do with his morals, conscience or love for you. Pure luck. If he hasn't already.

Coyoacan · 05/03/2015 20:02

It actually sounds to me, OP, like you are looking for reasons not to end your marriage because of all the upheaval that would cause.

alwayslookingforsomething · 05/03/2015 20:30

It has probably gone a lot further than what he admits to

Weebirdie · 05/03/2015 20:45

Im really sorry, but he's lying.

The bit about him being glad you found out is classic and meant to throw you off the scent by making you feel all warm and cosy inside in a very warped way.

He has had an affair and how things pan out now is entirely up to you.

morethanpotatoprints · 05/03/2015 20:48

He's glad you stopped it - because he wouldn't have.
He knew it was wrong - but he continued.
She said sorry and backed off - it was all her fault.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/03/2015 20:58

Whether he's cheating or not seems to me to be a secondary issue. The primary is that it appears that you just don't love him anymore. And if he's cheating or contemplating it, then he doesn't love you anymore. Are the two of you together out of habit? If so, I think you'd both be better off if you two just called it a day.

Finola1step · 05/03/2015 21:36

He's lying.

AuntieDee · 08/03/2015 09:19

Any updates?x

Original poster

Lookingforsigns · 08/03/2015 18:06

So where are we now? Well he got home the other day and said "I've found the perfect house for us" we have been talking about moving house since DD2 was born nearly 2 years ago. The house is perfect, like my dream house and really close to my family. I feel it's really unfair, it's like he's trying to bribe me into staying with him. Also he is very much a "if I put my fingers in my ears and my head in the sand then this isn't happening" My mum and sisters have seen the house and keep talking to me about getting it, my mum doesn't know about the texts/OW but my sisters do but they think DH is Mr Perfect so think I should just give him the benefit of the doubt as "he was probably just lonely and maybe if you'd given him more affection he wouldn't have gone to her" so now I just feel so miserable as I know what I want to do, I can't stay with him but feel I'm on my own Xx

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 08/03/2015 18:18

If that's your sisters' attitudes then I feel sad for them that they would settle for so little.

People who cheat, cheat because they want to. You could be having sex five times a night swinging off the chandeliers and they'd still do it. They like the thrill of banging someone different, the excited feelings that you get with a new person, and some of them get off on the fact that they're getting away with it and feeling all superior because they're smarter than you.

I would definitely not move house until you feel happy with where the relationship is. Especially as I assume it'll be a trade upwards and involve losing some equity.

You can make the decision of "don't ask don't tell" and choose to ignore his behaviour. Many people will not understand, but sexual exclusivity isn't everything. If he is a good partner in other ways... But this arrangement suits very few people. It seems that we are programmed to want our partners to have sex only with us, even though we are also programmed to seek out multiple partners. The dichotomy of humanity.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/03/2015 18:38

You aren't alone. The whole of Mumsnet is here with you.

You decide what is right for YOU. Your mother and sisters don't have to live with him, you do. Would you rather make them 'happy', or yourself?

Snowberry86 · 08/03/2015 18:47

I don't think he has cheated, I think you haven't been affectionate towards him, someone else has shown him attention, made him feel wanted and his head has turned.

I think he still loves you and cares for you and IF repairing your marriage is what you want then it is do-able.

Lots of people on here will instantly say he is cheating and to throw him out. Only you know him well. Only you know how far this is likely to have gone and whether you can ever forgive him and trust him again.

I honestly think he is lost. I am not defending him, but if you get no love and attention at home and someone else shows you some compassion, is caring towards you and makes you feel good then I think it is natural to develop feelings for them.

I don't think he is a bad person.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 08/03/2015 18:50

When you go out on several secret dates with a woman who texts how she likes touching you and she dresses for you then you are cheating.
Does he still go with her to work? How do you know it's finished?
Why are you so desperate to keep him when he's been making you so unhappy?

AnyFucker · 08/03/2015 19:00

he hasn't cheated ?

of course he has

he has been arranging dates behind your back with an OW, being physically affectionate with her (at the very least...if you believe him, which I would not) and now he is minimising it and promising you the world

your relationship was fucked already, and now your head is turned again ?

don't make the mistake of thinking you actually do still want him, just because soem OW does

wave him off to her, and quit all ridiculous chat about "he had an affair because you didn't show him enough attention"

Patchworkpatty · 08/03/2015 19:28

OP You can listen to the whole of mn and there will be lots of nonsense and an awful lot of wise words but it will all boil down to the same thing. If you want to make your marriage work, if you really love him and don't want to lose him then your opportunity is now but it is going to take a lot of effort from both of you, but have a serious think, if he didn't come home tonight but moved in with OW (it happens, just like that ) then would you be relieved ? a bit jealous of course its natural, but would you breathe a sigh of relief ? or would you be completely devasted and bereft at losing the love of your life ? The future is actually yours to choose, both choices are equally valid. Both are really hard but only you can actually make that decision.

Vivacia · 08/03/2015 22:31

You are not on your own. A lot of us here will appreciate how you feel.

It's easy for your sisters to want a happy, neat ending but they're not the ones sharing a bed with him. I personally couldn't stand thinking of him and her and those intimate and casual comments about touching and dresses worn for him.

It sounds to me as though there's an air of inevitability and acceptance from you about your relationship coming to an end. You don't sound bitter, just tired.

LL0015 · 09/03/2015 07:08

Be strong. And independent.
My DH started with the story of friends, no sex but it was all lies.
I threw him straight out. He shouldn't have been spending time with another woman

We're not together and it's fairly hard work but I couldn't be with him after that. It had gone.

currentnameinuse · 09/03/2015 08:22

I think the relationship was over before you discovered his cheating?

Hopefully this will be the catalyst for you to end it once and for all. Don't go looking at new houses as a sticking plaster.

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