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Original poster

Dodgy texts on DH phone?

71 replies

Lookingforsigns · 09/02/2015 14:25

Hi guys wanted your thoughts on this. DH and I have been going through a rough patch (counselling, me saying a was unhappy in the relationship etc)
He has a girl at work who he texts quite a lot and I was a bit concerned and so (and I know it's wrong) but I have been checking his phone. At first I saw a few flirty texts but nothing majorly dodgy but then I noticed he has changed her name on his phone from her first name to a generic surname (which is not her surname - think "smith") and also he has started deleting her messages. This started ringing alarm bells for me but then I looked the other day and there were some very incriminating texts from her.

"walking to work with you is worth getting up for" "I think I might wear your favourite dress to work today ;)" "I'm not having a go I just like talking to you, touching you and stuff"

The first two could possibly be explained away as harmless flirting but her saying she likes "touching" him? Am I crazy? I have spoken to him before about their relationship but he always laughs it off saying she is not his type.
Part of me thinks we are staying together because it's easier and we have 3 kids but if he was cheating that would be a real reason to split so I don't know if I'm looking for something that isn't there.
Anyway I'd love to hear your thoughts

OP posts:
littleleftie · 10/02/2015 19:00

Why do you need "proof" or "evidence?" Do you think you need it for a divorce? You don't, not at all.

You don't love him, he is having an emotional or physical affair with another woman and you don't trust him.

I wouldn't even bother confronting him with it to be honest, you know he will just deny it. Just tell him it's over and put both of you out of your respective misery.

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 10/02/2015 19:01

He might well want to leave anyway. Seems like you are looking for a reason to split up. You don't seem bothered much emotionally about him cheating.

Why not suggest splitting up to him and see where it goes?

AnyFucker · 10/02/2015 19:32

leftie has a very good point, op

you are not happy

that's all you need to know

Emu1969 · 10/02/2015 19:37

As a bloke I would say he's deffo cheating. No doubt. You have to address it with him and be totally open. Start by telling him you've looked at his phone as if he goes apeshit it prob means he's guilty. He is likely to admit all if a) he's unhappy and b) he thinks things with this other person will go somewhere. If he's unsure he may lie; and then you take your time and decide what you want. Don't let it drag unhappily!

Emu1969 · 10/02/2015 19:39

PS what does op mean? Am new on here.

AnyFucker · 10/02/2015 19:50

op= original poster

the person who started the thread

or sometimes original post as in the first post by the op IYSWIM (if you see what I mean)

geddit ?

Emu1969 · 10/02/2015 19:51

Ok. Thanks. Classy name btw.

AnyFucker · 10/02/2015 19:53

why, thankyou Blush

sleeponeday · 11/02/2015 03:59

Honestly, you don't sound that upset about his cheating. More sad that the marriage has dwindled to this, and affectionate and sympathetic towards him instead of wanting to rip his head off. I think that tells you all you need to know. Maybe raise the fact things have died already with him, and don't mention his affair - just talk about how to end the marriage well and amicably, and how to co-parent?

GlitzAndGigglesx · 11/02/2015 04:11

I wouldn't be comfortable reading that my DP has a "favourite dress" on another woman. Please don't stay with him for the sake of the kids they will pick up on the negative atmosphere if they haven't already

Jan45 · 11/02/2015 16:13

Wouldn't matter if you'd never had sex in years, cheating is never acceptable regardless of circumstances, it's the nastiest thing you can do to your partner, and you are currently partners.

I'd call it a day, you don't even sound bothered if he is cheating away, it's living a complete lie, and for what, so he can get his rocks off and you can pretend all is well in the family, time to face up to things and deal with them I'd say.

pocketsaviour · 11/02/2015 17:02

it's the nastiest thing you can do to your partner

Really? Nastier than punching them in the face?

OP it doesn't sound like you want to stay with him. If he was making you happy in all other ways then you could maybe turn a blind eye (providing he was having safe sex) but clearly that's not the case. I would split now while you're not at each other's throats and can work out something relatively amicable re the kids.

YellowTulips · 11/02/2015 17:18

I think you simply tell your DH you want a divorce. No justification or proof needed.

Go see a solicitor and get the process started.

Your marriage is dead, there's little point in dragging this out further with "investigations".

Gut feel is he will come clean anyway when you tell him you want to start proceedings by way of retaliation of you rejecting him.

Jan45 · 11/02/2015 17:28

Sorry Pocket, one of the nastiest, is that better....? Confused

Jb291 · 12/02/2015 19:59

Yes he has cheated or is about to cheat. I'm sorry Op. I would suggest seeking immediate legal advice with a view to filing for divorce in the very near future

Original poster
Lookingforsigns · 05/03/2015 13:33

Update
Well I sat him down and said "we need to have a chat, I've been trying to talk to you for a while now but keep chickening out as it means I have to admit doing something I'm not proud of" then I said I'd looked at his phone and seen her messages. He said that nothing has happened between them (sexually) but they have been flirting, going for drinks. He said he thinks she likes him more than he likes her but he has not tried to discourage her. He said they haven't slept together but there have been hugs that have lasted too long and hand holding across the table in the pub, he originally said they hadn't kissed but then changed that too "well not with tongues" he has been going for a drink with her once a week and telling me he is working late, he had actually planned to go for a drink with her the next night but that he would tell her the truth about me finding out. He said he knew it wasn't innocent as he was deleting her messages and because he changed her name. He is very sorry.
So when he got home the next day he said he'd talked to her and she was very apologetic (I should bloody well hope so!) and said she'd back off. But then he said "I'm glad you saw the texts coz now I can stop before it.... You know" which just makes me think if I hadn't caught him it would have led to them sleeping together whereas he'd made out that it was just hugs and hand holding and that's all it ever would have been. So now I just feel that even though they hadn't slept together they were obviously very intimate and it was clearly heading that way and I don't know if I can get past that. I always thought of him as someone who, no matter what problems we were having, would never cheat and now this is making me look at him differently, it's almost made whatever little bit of love I had for him die and I can't see how we can come back from that. To be honest maybe when I started looking it might have been me looking for a way out, but I think that's when I didn't really think anything was going on. Now it's there and having the picture in my head of the two of them gazing at each other holding hands over a table it just rots my stomach, like I said I still love him and I felt guilty not staying because he was a good man who had done nothing wrong but at the moment I am finding it hard to even look at him.

OP posts:
freelanceconundrum · 05/03/2015 13:39

He has minimalised. He thnks he has pulled the wool over your eyes.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 05/03/2015 13:42

I can't believe you would believe that.

You don't, do you?

upsetagain · 05/03/2015 13:43

Sorry but he is lying

SilverFishFly · 05/03/2015 13:45

Trust your instinct. Always trust your instinct.

The problems in your marriage which you are blaming yourself for may gave been created by him when he started his EA with the OW.

I wouldn't trust him at all.

LucettaTempleman · 05/03/2015 13:55

Oh dear.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 05/03/2015 14:02

Well, that's wrapped up in a neat little parcel that's as innocent as it could possibly be considering what he knows you saw Hmm.

Even if you believe him (and there's not a chance I would), he's still been dating a work colleague.

pocketsaviour · 05/03/2015 14:03

But then he said "I'm glad you saw the texts coz now I can stop before it.... You know"

Oh yeah, cos it was all YOUR responsibility to stop it. Or it was the OW's fault and she held him powerless which his favourite dress. massive eyeroll

I suppose now you have a decision whether to stay with him, or not. It doesn't matter whether he actually had sex with her or not, it was clearly headed that way and if that's a deal breaker for you then that's that.

kittenzzz · 05/03/2015 15:32

.

kittenzzz · 05/03/2015 15:32

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