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Original poster

In a tumultuous relationship - advice please

54 replies

pennylane123 · 09/02/2015 00:09

Long post - sorry!

Hi everyone. I posted on here a few months ago but sadly had to ask Mumsnet to delete the thread because my partner saw some of the stuff I wrote (I was texting in bed and thought he was sound asleep). Thank you for your kindness.

I am deeply in love with my partner of nearly two years. We met online and fell in love before whilst we chatted over the phone before we met in person. After the honeymoon period, our relationship has deteriorated rapidly. We've been living together for over a year (in my flat). He doesn't pay me rent, but helps to contribute to some (not all) of the bills.

He's a copper and has a hectic schedule. I have nothing to do with that world, but hear the horrors of what he deals with - which has be hard to hear and process. I do find it a bit of a struggle to look after him sometimes because I'm removed from the world he sees, however I always listen and comfort him. He has come home many a time utterly distraught. On top of it all he drinks far too much - a borderline alcoholic.

I feel I do nothing but support and love him - I'm a loyal partner, that's what a relationship means to me.

In return he has behaved appallingly and has caused/is causing a lot of pain. Last year I caught him on swinger websites/dating apps last year (he claims he just wants a threesome, which I refuse) and he suggested he should see a counsellor - which he hasn't plus drink less - which he also hasn't. His porn habit seems too much, and I've seen naked photos of him (see his apparent low self-esteem below).

Our love life is now a shambles. He's not romantic in the slightest and doesn't do any sweet gestures. He refuses to give me flowers or take me to a museum. Our sex was good (I've got a high sex drive), but for the last 4 months he doesn't want to be intimate. Now we won't cuddles me or hardly peck me on the lips. He blames low self-esteem for his coldness, but to never him him say I'm beauty, pretty or even sexy has a real impact on my self esteem. Apparently me wanting to hear these things is selfish.
He says he still loves me with all his heart, and he doesn't deserve someone who pours their love onto him, but I can't help but feel so hurt. I do so much for him and get so little in return. The problem is I am so in love with him - I think I like being able to nurture a lost soul - that the thought of splitting up seems so tragic. I just want to have someone express their love in return. Should I give him an ultimatum (a counsellor visit or breaking up?) or am I goving him too much of a hard time? Thoughts or advice would be so welcome.

Thank you.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 00:14

He says he still loves me with all his heart

No he doesn't. You are just a convenient place to lodge his cock, except he can't be bothered to fulfil even that part of the bargain any more

You are a fool to try and "rescue" him

He's an abusive, alcoholic, twisted fuck up

I am not seeing what is in this for you....unless you are a sucker for many more years of the same punishment. I don't think it will be too long before he starts getting free and easy with his fists.

You have been warned. You won't listen though.

LineRunner · 09/02/2015 00:17

Where did he live before?

Original poster
pennylane123 · 09/02/2015 00:19

Thanks for your reply. I'm feeling very tender and upset about this, and your comments seem somewhat abrupt to me, but I thank you for your non sugar-coated opinion.

OP posts:
Original poster
pennylane123 · 09/02/2015 00:21

Hi linerunner, he lived with a friend before.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 00:25

If you want someone to tell you it will all work out for the best if you just love him a bit more, overlook his inadequacy, blame his stress at work, accept the pathetic crumbs he gives you because women should value any relationship no matter how damaging it is...you have come to the wrong place.

Less than 2 years and it has come to this. Get out, while you still can.

LaurieFairyCake · 09/02/2015 00:28

He has very serious issues and it sounds very much like your in a co dependant relationship.

It's incredibly unhealthy to spend your life rescuing someone. Worst case scenario is you help him for years and he then buggers off with someone else - I know at least 2 people this has happened to.

'Tumultuous' usually indicates a couple who thrive on drama but aren't properly intimately connected.

It sounds tiresome and just non-joyful.

Do you really think so little of yourself that you don't think you deserve more?

Maybe a bit of peace and quiet, a decent shag and a night where you're not wondering how pissed he's going to get and whether he's going to invite a hooker round?

JRShotMe · 09/02/2015 00:52

Reading your post I'm not sure who it is you think you're deeply in love with - perhaps the idea of who you want him to be rather than the reality of who he actually is.

You can see and admit that he causes you intense pain, his behaviour is appalling, he's more than likely shagging random women from hook up websites, your love life is a shambles, he has a serious drinking problem which he won't address, he is cold and unaffectionate towards you, won't even say anything nice to you, and blames you for it and to top it off he lives in your home rent free.

There is nothing there to be in love with. There's not even anything to like. He's not your 'partner', he's just someone who lives in your house for free and treats you with no respect whatsoever. He doesn't love you, I'm sorry to be blunt, but this is not love. Words are dirt cheap but his behaviour screams volumes. Nobody who loves another person would ever treat them the way he treats you. And it's nothing to do with their 'issues' and you cannot fix them. Sometimes people just turn out to be really not who we think they are. It's a huge disappointment and a bitter pill to swallow, but you cannot let them drag you down with them. The way he treats you is not acceptable. You deserve more, and he will not give it to you. He does not love you and that is not your fault, it's nothing you did or didn't do, it's him, and you cannot 'save' or change him.

Be strong, find your self respect and end it. Stop making it into some tragic 'he's a misunderstood soul who needs me and I can save him and I'm so in love' drama; honestly, that's all in your head. You are not in some epic, tragic romance; you're in a shit 'relationship' with an inadequate, selfish, uncaring, cocklodging bastard of a man. You are not to blame for how he treats you but you are staying there and letting him keep doing it. You will be so much better off and happier on your own. Better to be alone than miserable with someone who treats you like shit and blames you for it. You will find someone else in time, a real, equal relationship, but you need to work on your own self esteem first.

piggychops · 09/02/2015 00:55

Get rid.

GettingFiggyWithIt · 09/02/2015 01:01

Tumultuous like tempestuous fiery or volatile means it is shit. But tumultuous makes it sound like it's passionate as opposed to being shit.
Give an ultimatum by all means. But follow it through and if not done by deadline set, chuck him out.
You are a rescuer. You need to ask yourself why. And for god's sake do not have kids with this guy unless he shapes up as you will never get out otherwise.

Coyoacan · 09/02/2015 01:09

If he needs to change, he is the only one who can make that change. OP, you cannot rescue people or make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Focus your energies on changing yourself, it is very, very hard but a thousand times easier than changing someone else.

trackrBird · 09/02/2015 01:41

The man you describe does not care about you. I'm sorry you love him, but it sounds as if you love what you hope he is, or want him to be, rather than what he actually is.

He really is not a troubled but lovely man that you can love back to health. He is selfish, and self absorbed, and apparently quite happy to make use of you to service his living and sexual requirements, when he is not getting his kicks elsewhere.

If he throws you a romantic line about 'not deserving your love', he knows you'll feel sorry for him and redouble your efforts.

That's because have a little loving and giving heart, OP. Turn some of that love and kindness on yourself. Start to detach from this train wreck, and respect yourself and your needs more.

trackrBird · 09/02/2015 01:44

*because you have a loving heart, etc

minkGrundy · 09/02/2015 01:51

What is it you love about him?

The way he used to be?
The way he treats you?
The little things he does.

If you think about often we associate love with thinking about someone all the time, feelings a bit like pain, being unhappy when they are etc. But those ferlings can actially be just the trauma of being in a difficult rs and not knowing what to do.

In reality love worth hanging onto makes you happy. That person adds to your life. You feel contented etc.

Sounds to me like longing not love.
And you have invested a lot in this so you don't want to give up on it. But being with him is stopping you meeting the person who makes you truly happy

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/02/2015 02:12

Tumultuous? Nope. Dramatic? Yes.

Sorry to be so blunt, but reading your OP, I couldn't help but see it in those terms. You "fell in love whilst we chatted over the phone before we met in person". No, you really really didn't. You built a picture of who this person was in your head, and it is that picture that you fell for. Then you met, and you stubbornly refused to let that picture go and look at the real person. You're still doing that, describing him as a "lost soul". He's not a lost soul, he's a bit of a wanker. And yes, a cocklodger.

You say he lived with a friend before. Was that as flatmates where he took responsibility and paid his way, or was he couchsurfing? You are meeting the majority of the bills - what the hell is he doing with the money he earns? Pissing it up the wall?

Another piece of drama - "the horrors he deals with". Really? Yes police will deal with some pretty horrific stuff, but it's not non-stop. He's just as likely to be bored out of his box snowed under with paperwork and sitting around in court waiting to be called. It's not all scraping people up off motorways. Frankly, if he's coming home repeatedly "utterly distraught", he's in the wrong job. Or lying.

Honestly, he sounds like a manipulative selfish bastard who is using you, your flat, your money and giving nothing in return. He's grinding your self-esteem into dust and you need to get shot of him ASAP. That's my advice.

BoxofSnails · 09/02/2015 05:14

He needs to do more than see a counsellor. He needs to give up drinking, give up other women, and treat you with the respect you deserve. So give him that ultimatum if you are ready to follow through.

In the meantime, for you, I suggest you go to Al Anon meeting regularly - they are for the friends and relatives of those affected by alcoholism/addiction and do a fair bit to address co-dependency which is your part of this unhealthy and abusive dynamic within your relationship. Whilst you're finding the courage and desperation to go, you could try reading Melody Beattie's 'Co-Dependent no more'. You really need to leave, but this might help you detach enough to.

rootypig · 09/02/2015 05:18

Should I give him an ultimatum (a counsellor visit or breaking up?) or am I goving him too much of a hard time?

My love. You should thank your lucky stars you are financially independent, change the locks while he's out, and move on with your life.

Forget counselling for him. Arrange counselling for you, so you can unearth why you think so little of yourself that you'd be willing to put up with this.

Blu · 09/02/2015 06:35

Are you in love with him, or in love with the idea that your love 'poured' into him has miraculous qualities and you can thus heroically cure alcoholism, abusuveness, and a whole words-worth of bad things in his job? Look up co-dependency.

Sorry OP, the relationship is thoroughly unhealthy.

Start with the fact that as a member of the police he has a good income and yet he lives with you without contributing. Or to out it another way he lives off you. No wonder he has 'self esteem' issues, where's the pride in that. And no wonder you have the kind of self esteem issues that lead to co-dependency, when you are being exploited and emotionally abused!

This isn't complicated, it really isn't. Short relationship, your flat, no kids, he's finding his sexual satisfaction through porn, not being nice to you, using you financially.....what on earth do you expect us to say?

DeliciousMonster · 09/02/2015 06:45

He says he loves you with all his heart. Because he knows that you will fall for it.

What he actually is doing is loathing you wih all his heart.

Nothing in your description of his behaviour is showing love. And you know that, dont you?

My advice, get out whilst you still have some self respect. Change the locks on the door today, and kick him out. You won't of course. So see you on the next thread.

LisaVanderpump · 09/02/2015 06:51

and he doesn't deserve someone who pours their love onto him

He's right about that

however · 09/02/2015 06:57

You've no idea how lucky you are. You're able to put a roof over your head, you're not married to him, you've no kids with him. You're on easy street.

Make a decision that you don't deserve to be treated like shit - because that's what he's treating you like - and get rid.

newnamefor15 · 09/02/2015 06:59

Hi OP.

It's hard when your heart tells you one thing but your brain tells you another. You know he isn't the right man for you, he doesn't make you happy, in fact he makes you very unhappy, but you love him.

I've been there. I very much regret wasting 10 years of my life in a relationship that was realistically never going to work, however much I wanted it to work. Don't make the same mistake.

It'll hurt to break up with him. But you will get over that and can move on and make a happy future for yourself. If you don't, you are signing up for 5, 10, 20, 50 miserable years.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/02/2015 06:59

"I think I like being able to nurture a lost soul - that the thought of splitting up seems so tragic".

He is not a tragic soul; he is a drunkard and cocklodger who has now really shown his true colours.

Why do you want to rescue and or save this particular individual; you cannot love him better and acting as you have in this and in a relationship has simply allowed him to abuse you.

Such men like this man hate women, all of them.

I would like to know who taught you to be both an enabler (that behaviour is commonly seen in partners of alcoholics) as well as codependent (your mother for instance?). What sort of an example did your parents set you?. This is a really poor example of a relationship isn't it?.

Do read "Co-dependent no more" written by Melodie Beattie.

There's only one way this is going and its down. He is dragging you down with him and sadly you are allowing him to do that to you out of some innate need on your part to try and love him better/rescue him.

If you really do want advice you really need to take notice of what has been said here by the other respondents as well and get this person out of your life.

rumred · 09/02/2015 07:30

Having a hard job is no excuse for behaving badly. This person sounds like a user regardless of career choice.
I think you need counselling too. What do your friends and family think?

HellKitty · 09/02/2015 08:35

He pays 'some' bills and lived with a friend before? If this was some trashy magazine it would end up with the gf finding out he wasn't a policeman at all and just sat in the park with his sandwiches all day.

After two years you should still be pretty loved up, you're getting nothing from this. How is this a partnership?

Twinklestein · 09/02/2015 08:52

A cocklodging, swinging, cheating alcoholic? Score.

Tbh your OP sounds a bit Kate Bush, like you do actually think this man is Heathcliff, (it's me it's Cathy I've come home so co-o-o-ld).

I think you're deeply in love with the idea of being deeply in love and that you have no idea who this man really is.