Long post - sorry!
Hi everyone. I posted on here a few months ago but sadly had to ask Mumsnet to delete the thread because my partner saw some of the stuff I wrote (I was texting in bed and thought he was sound asleep). Thank you for your kindness.
I am deeply in love with my partner of nearly two years. We met online and fell in love before whilst we chatted over the phone before we met in person. After the honeymoon period, our relationship has deteriorated rapidly. We've been living together for over a year (in my flat). He doesn't pay me rent, but helps to contribute to some (not all) of the bills.
He's a copper and has a hectic schedule. I have nothing to do with that world, but hear the horrors of what he deals with - which has be hard to hear and process. I do find it a bit of a struggle to look after him sometimes because I'm removed from the world he sees, however I always listen and comfort him. He has come home many a time utterly distraught. On top of it all he drinks far too much - a borderline alcoholic.
I feel I do nothing but support and love him - I'm a loyal partner, that's what a relationship means to me.
In return he has behaved appallingly and has caused/is causing a lot of pain. Last year I caught him on swinger websites/dating apps last year (he claims he just wants a threesome, which I refuse) and he suggested he should see a counsellor - which he hasn't plus drink less - which he also hasn't. His porn habit seems too much, and I've seen naked photos of him (see his apparent low self-esteem below).
Our love life is now a shambles. He's not romantic in the slightest and doesn't do any sweet gestures. He refuses to give me flowers or take me to a museum. Our sex was good (I've got a high sex drive), but for the last 4 months he doesn't want to be intimate. Now we won't cuddles me or hardly peck me on the lips. He blames low self-esteem for his coldness, but to never him him say I'm beauty, pretty or even sexy has a real impact on my self esteem. Apparently me wanting to hear these things is selfish.
He says he still loves me with all his heart, and he doesn't deserve someone who pours their love onto him, but I can't help but feel so hurt. I do so much for him and get so little in return. The problem is I am so in love with him - I think I like being able to nurture a lost soul - that the thought of splitting up seems so tragic. I just want to have someone express their love in return. Should I give him an ultimatum (a counsellor visit or breaking up?) or am I goving him too much of a hard time? Thoughts or advice would be so welcome.
Thank you.