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Original poster

In a tumultuous relationship - advice please

54 replies

pennylane123 · 09/02/2015 00:09

Long post - sorry!

Hi everyone. I posted on here a few months ago but sadly had to ask Mumsnet to delete the thread because my partner saw some of the stuff I wrote (I was texting in bed and thought he was sound asleep). Thank you for your kindness.

I am deeply in love with my partner of nearly two years. We met online and fell in love before whilst we chatted over the phone before we met in person. After the honeymoon period, our relationship has deteriorated rapidly. We've been living together for over a year (in my flat). He doesn't pay me rent, but helps to contribute to some (not all) of the bills.

He's a copper and has a hectic schedule. I have nothing to do with that world, but hear the horrors of what he deals with - which has be hard to hear and process. I do find it a bit of a struggle to look after him sometimes because I'm removed from the world he sees, however I always listen and comfort him. He has come home many a time utterly distraught. On top of it all he drinks far too much - a borderline alcoholic.

I feel I do nothing but support and love him - I'm a loyal partner, that's what a relationship means to me.

In return he has behaved appallingly and has caused/is causing a lot of pain. Last year I caught him on swinger websites/dating apps last year (he claims he just wants a threesome, which I refuse) and he suggested he should see a counsellor - which he hasn't plus drink less - which he also hasn't. His porn habit seems too much, and I've seen naked photos of him (see his apparent low self-esteem below).

Our love life is now a shambles. He's not romantic in the slightest and doesn't do any sweet gestures. He refuses to give me flowers or take me to a museum. Our sex was good (I've got a high sex drive), but for the last 4 months he doesn't want to be intimate. Now we won't cuddles me or hardly peck me on the lips. He blames low self-esteem for his coldness, but to never him him say I'm beauty, pretty or even sexy has a real impact on my self esteem. Apparently me wanting to hear these things is selfish.
He says he still loves me with all his heart, and he doesn't deserve someone who pours their love onto him, but I can't help but feel so hurt. I do so much for him and get so little in return. The problem is I am so in love with him - I think I like being able to nurture a lost soul - that the thought of splitting up seems so tragic. I just want to have someone express their love in return. Should I give him an ultimatum (a counsellor visit or breaking up?) or am I goving him too much of a hard time? Thoughts or advice would be so welcome.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 09/02/2015 08:57

I think I like being able to nurture a lost soul - that the thought of splitting up seems so tragic

No it's not tragic, however much you want this to be Wuthering Heights, it ain't.

Splitting is the only sensible intelligent decision to make when you discover you're caught up with an arse.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 09/02/2015 08:59

It's not tumultuous, it's ridiculous.

I'm getting quite astonished at the number of people who think a guy saying, "I love you" means anything. It means fuck all on its own. And here, it's very clearly 'on its own'.

BIWI · 09/02/2015 09:01

How on earth can you be deeply in love with someone who treats you so badly? You talk about his low self esteem. I don't think he has a problem with his self-esteem, but I think you do have, in a major way.

This man is using you.

Get rid of him and find someone who will cherish you and look after you properly.

HoneyIsBeePoo · 09/02/2015 09:03

It's not tumultuous, that's a teenagers way of describing a relationship. Dramatic, intense, blah blah.

It's not making you happy. It's costing you money, and years of your life. He is, at best, thinking of cheating on you.

You are worth much much much more. Don't fuck up your life for the sake of his.

PurpleWithRed · 09/02/2015 09:04

Counselling - yes, but for you alone after you've sent him on his way. And get counselling to understand why you feel that being financially, sexually and emotionally abused by a cocklodger is fulfilling your need to nurture a lost soul, and why you feel freeing yourself to find a loving partner is a tragedy.

In one thing he is right. He doesn't deserve someone who pours their love onto him. Forget the ultimatum, tell him it's over. Do you feel you would be safe with telling him that, that he'd go? If not just wait till he's out, pack his stuff, leave it outside and change the locks.

LadyBlaBlah · 09/02/2015 09:56

Are you listening to the responses O? Or is Everyone Wrong and Doesn't Understand?

Two things in summary:

  1. You seem to be co-dependent.
  2. He is an arse who will only cause trouble and strife in your life.
  3. You can stay for lots of trouble or cut your losses and try someone who is not an arse.
Viviennemary · 09/02/2015 10:02

I'd move on and let somebody else sort this man out. He sounds like very hard work indeed. The more you pander to him the worse he's going to get.

Twinklestein · 09/02/2015 10:05

Better still, let him sort himself out.

Viviennemary · 09/02/2015 10:06

The trouble is these types never do.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 09/02/2015 10:07

Get. Out.

As everyone else is saying.

Your worst enemy here is YOU - and I mean that in the nicest way. Get out of this crappy, tiresome, boring, childish, negative 'relationship' - and get some counselling, to help you see why getting into grim situations, but trying to make them sound worthwhile by describing them as 'tumultuous' or any other dramatic romantic guff, is going to HURT YOU, and carry on hurting you and ruining your life.

He says he loves you with all his heart. Well, I could phone you right now and say that - it wouldn't make it true, though, would it?

He isn't a 'lost soul'. He's a twat. A selfish, man spirited, alcoholic twat. Who has just enough smarts to tell you what you want to hear, what will keep you giving and giving. Whine whine. I don't deserve you. I'm soooo messed up. Oh poor me.

It's a script played out by hundreds of users across the country.

You are not in a tumultuous, romantic situation, saving a decent man from his demons.

You are in a horrid, tedious non-relationship with a useless whiner.

If you want to be happy, fulfilled, have a REAL partner to share life with, to support and communicate with, and get the same in return - then get rid of this leech.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 10:07

That was 3 ladyb Smile

All of 'em correct though

Twinklestein · 09/02/2015 10:07

Another book you might try is 'Women who love too much' by Robin Norwood.

ScrambledSmegs · 09/02/2015 10:16

Nurture a lost soul?! Seriously? He's not a lost soul, he's a wanker!

Come on, he's using you and he's vile to you. Don't entrust someone like that with the power over your self-esteem, you're far better than him.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 10:18

has op run away screaming ?

Izzy24 · 09/02/2015 10:25

Such a lot of good advice OP.

And unanimous.

Auburnsparkle · 09/02/2015 11:15

oh gosh - unanimous LTB - we can't all be wrong can we OP? I fail to see one atom of this man which is worthy of your love.

Please get your key back and get him out of your home and your life. And get sti tested too. I wonder what has happened to make you think this is all you deserve in life?

Original poster
pennylane123 · 09/02/2015 18:00

Hi everyone - thank you so much for replying with your honest thoughts & opinions. Please believe me when I say I'm truly grateful - it can be difficult to see the wood for the trees in relationships sometimes.
I've acted on your advice - have bought the 2 books recommended on the thread, and have looked into counselling today. I hope to organise an appointment asap.

Though I realise I should ignore what family/friends think, he's very popular with them - I somehow feel this added pressure to not let them down as I know they'll be disappointed we split up. As strange as that sounds, that's how I view it in my head. Obviously I see a different side to him behind closed doors that the others don't see. This is where a counsellor will certainly help me.

I do think I'm co-dependent, and I've contacted counsellors dealing with this issue including low self-esteem & depression. I've asked OH for a frank chat, and though I don't want to get him angry (he has quite a temper), I will lay down the facts.

I am sorry if my original post seemed melodramatic - I wrote it late last night whilst I was feeling particularly caught up in my emotions.

Once again, thanks for your words - no matter how hard it was to read some of them.

Penny

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 09/02/2015 18:09

I am sure you don't tell your family and friends what you have said here, if you did, I'm sure they would be begging you to leave him.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 18:11

Those sound like some very positive moves, Penny. No one expects you to overthrow the habits of a lifetime after only one thread on MN but I am glad you have taken your responses in the way they were meant.

Make sure the counselling you have is for you alone not joint counselling and if he suggests it the answer should be no.

I also would be quite careful about how much exactly you disclose about what you are starting to realise. He will change his game in response to it, which on the surface might appear to be a good thing. But the fact remains that if he thought you were worthy of his best treatment he would be doing it already.

Respect and love cannot be turned on and off and if does an about turn and suddenly starts treating you well, it will be false and shortlived until he gets you back in your box again.

God luck Thanks

WipsGlitter · 09/02/2015 18:21

Honestly? Get rid? What's in it for you? He's a bad tempered, alcoholic, un-affectionate, tight fisted man. Where is the joy? The laughter?

ImperialBlether · 09/02/2015 18:25

I wonder, though, whether your family and friends actually know him.

Do they know he doesn't pay rent and only pays towards some bills, despite earning a good salary?

Do they know he goes online to find people to have sex with?

AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 18:33

op, you will have been presenting a false front to your friends and family

start telling the truth about what he is really like

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/02/2015 18:33

Penny, you are right that it can be difficult to see the wood for the trees in relationships - that's why it can be useful to put the facts to people who are completely uninvolved in that relationship. MN can be a very good sounding board.

Your friends and family are not uninvolved, so yes, ignore that he is popular with them. But do NOT ignore the fact that you "see a different side to him behind closed doors that the others don't see", because there is a reason why they don't see the same person - he makes sure that they don't see him for the shit he is by behaving 'right' when they can see him. Do you see what that means? He KNOWS his behaviour behind closed doors is wrong, so he hides it from them - probably knowing that this puts pressure on you to not dump his sorry ass. It shows that he is capable of controlling his behaviour in front of those whose good opinion he seeks; he doesn't think your good opinion is worth the effort. That is so disrespectful! What a manipulative bastard he is.

pinkyredrose · 09/02/2015 18:33

OP why is he living with you virtually for free? Who's idea was that?

maras2 · 09/02/2015 18:42

He pays a. Few bills ? Do you know how much a copper earns ?

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