Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Horrified and upset

61 replies

Baffledsosad · 08/02/2015 19:49

I'm so upset and just don't have the first clue what to do.
Last night me and husband had my neighbour round for a drink.
We do this every couple of months and it's always a fun laughter filled evening.
Last night my husband was a bit narky about it as he'd made an arrangement for early the next day so couldn't drink due to driving early.
Things were fine, but as the evening wore on I could see him getting annoyed and he started sending me texts saying 'you're acting like an idiot' etc.
The evening went on and I thought everything was fine. He suddenly stood up at 11.15 and told my neighbour that he had to get up early so it was time to leave.
Once my neighbour had gone I started to clear up. My husband came into the room, picked up a full glass of wine and threw it in my face, this was followed my a bowl of nuts.
He then proceed to take all my framed photos off the shelf and throw them on the ground. Swiftly followed by upturning the coffee table and arm chairs.
I went into the kitchen to get away and he follows me, grabs my wrists and tries to pull me upstairs to bed. I didn't want to go with him so dug my nails into his arm, he then grabbed me round the throat, telling me I was an embarrassment.
After this he trashed the kitchen, turning the table upside down, throwing chairs about.
I finally managed to calm him down and he went to bed. I cleared the mess up and slept in the spare room.
When he got back from his outing this morning I told him in no uncertain terms that I wanted him to leave. I was done and didn't want to be with someone who treats me like that.
He's been grovelling ever since but I've held firm. He has left to stay away for the night. I know he thinks he can come back tomorrow.
I don't want him back.
What I'm worried about is paying the mortgage on this place, which he pays. He will need to rent somewhere else and budget wise I cannot see how this will be possible.
I currently work during school hours so don't earn a great deal. Would I qualify for any financial help?
I know he needs to provide for the children and he has said he will. I'm just so stressed at the thought of the financial struggle ahead.
Not sure how I'm going to be able to provide for my children.
Sorry this is so long. I'm just bewildered, scared and confused.

OP posts:
RJnomore · 08/02/2015 19:52

Oh my love.

Not that it matter in Thr least, but he was the sober one here too???

You Have done the right thing. A big virtual hug for you and someone will be along in a minute with good advice.

JoyceDivision · 08/02/2015 19:53

I'm sorry, i can't help but i justwantto say Ithink you are amazing, stick to your guns and hang in theer.

There are some fab people on here who can give you all theadvice and help you need.

You are amazing an your DC are very lucky to have such a brave mum [hugs]

Original poster
Baffledsosad · 08/02/2015 19:55

Thank you RJ, and yes he was sober

OP posts:
LadyBlaBlah · 08/02/2015 20:14

Do you have children?
If you are working over 16 hours you can claim tax credits. And you will then be fine.

I'm sorry he turned out to be an arse but you are so very right to get rid. He's just broken everything.

afreshstartplease · 08/02/2015 20:16

You poor thing

What an awful man

thatsn0tmyname · 08/02/2015 20:17

How awful for you. I hope you're OK. Hopefully, you can find all the strength and support you need. Try Citizens Advice as a starter. X

Mandatorymongoose · 08/02/2015 20:18

What an awful thing for you to go through, well done you for handling it so well.

Have a look on the 'entitled to' website it has a calculator for what benefits you could claim - most likely child and maybe working tax credits.

Hissy · 08/02/2015 20:21

Bloody hell love! How terrifying!

Are you ok?

elsabelle · 08/02/2015 20:25

Omg this is awful. Sorry i dont have advice to offer but just wanted to say how sorry i am. Am sure other MNs who can advise will be along soon. You sound wise and strong OP, you can get through this, please reach out for all the support you need.

Sending you a lot of love and hugs x

NomNomDePlum · 08/02/2015 20:25

if you have any concerns that any of his behaviour is likely to be repeated, you should call the police about this, I think. it sounds terrifying.

Original poster
Baffledsosad · 08/02/2015 20:26

Thank you everyone for your replies.
I work 20/22 hours a week so will have a look on that website.
I feel completely numb. I don't feel anything and haven't stop shaking all day. Just trying to get it together for my children.

OP posts:
Auburnsparkle · 08/02/2015 20:26

grabbing you round the throat is a massive red flag. You need to report him to the police. Sorry, I know you are in shock and it is awful, but you really need it on record. I hope you are ok. Women's Aid will be useful too, as will the entitled to website. He will need to pay you child maintenance too btw.

JeanSeberg · 08/02/2015 20:28

Agree with logging it with the police. Were the children in the house asleep at the time?

You should be proud of yourself for how you've handled this. Have you told anyone in real life?

LineRunner · 08/02/2015 20:28

You are very strong, and I admire you.

Money-wise, apply for tax credits (working tax credit, child tax credits and childcare tax credits).

Make sure the child benefit is in your name.

Ask your (ex) partner to organise child support, or get the Child Maintenance Service to do it.

Claim your 25% single person discount re council tax.

Investigate whether you will now in in the future qualify for low income benefits, e.g. a bit of housing benefit (mortgage interest), council tax benefit, free prescriptions.

Good luck. Flowers

TRexingInAsda · 08/02/2015 20:30

Wow - this would be shocking if he was drunk, but sober?! What on earth!! You have absolutely done the right thing. Contact Jobcenteplus ASAP about what benefits you can claim, and possibly apply to the Council to put your name down on the housing list. xx

ImperialBlether · 08/02/2015 20:30

Oh my god, what an awful man. Has he been like this before? Was he happy to have the neighbour round? Did the children hear all this?

You should have called the police at the time. I was worried when you said he was trying to drag you up to bed - did you feel sexually threatened?

CitySnicker · 08/02/2015 20:31

Phone the police and report. Create an evidence trail now.

Original poster
Baffledsosad · 08/02/2015 20:36

Yes the children were sleeping and fortunately didn't wake up.
I've told my mum about the trashing of the house but not about the violence towards me. I don't want to upset my parents. They're older and don't keep good health.And I'm so ashamed, even though I know I
shouldn't be I feel so mortified.
Again thank you for your replies, I'm going to phone citizens advice tomorrow.
Just feel very lost and I certainly don't feel strongSad

OP posts:
Ledkr · 08/02/2015 20:36

What a fabulous and strong woman you are. I admire you greatly for putting your foot down like this.
Can you see a benefits advisor. They are often available in children's centres, library's and local council offices. Google might tell you.
I was on my own for quite a few years, I worked part time and claimed tax credits including help with childcare and never felt skint at any time.
I loved being on my own too. I've got such a good relationship with my chikdren.
Good luck op.

Original poster
Baffledsosad · 08/02/2015 20:51

imperial he was the one who made the arrangement to have our neighbour round. It was a last minute thing arranged for this morning which seemed to put him in the bad mood.
He has got a quick temper but I have never experienced that from him, and yes he was demanding sex which is why I dug my nails into his arm to get him to let go of me.

OP posts:
LadyBlaBlah · 08/02/2015 20:54

Citizens advice are great but absolutely over run in most areas.

You can call working tax credits/ child tax credits direct.....in fact you have to call them to make a claim. As you are working that will be your main benefit and it will see you through.

ImperialBlether · 08/02/2015 20:54

So he was absolutely furious with you, threw things at you and tried to drag you upstairs, intending to have sex with you?

You really need to leave this man. Google "Entitled to" and fill in the questionnaire. Let us know if you struggle with this - it's vital that you know your financial situation.

I think you should call the police as this will greatly help you in keeping him away from you and keeping the home available for you and the children.

JeanSeberg · 08/02/2015 20:58

Take it a day at a time and use MN for support.

Make a list for tomorrow. Do you normally work on a Monday?

elsabelle · 08/02/2015 20:59

God i am in tears reading this. I am so so sorry that this happened to you OP. You are handling it amazingly, you should be very proud of yourself. Please try not to feel ashamed, you havent done anything wrong, he is a Grade A Bastard.

Original poster
Baffledsosad · 08/02/2015 21:07

I am not taking him back, I never ever want to feel like that ever again. I'll call tax credits tomorrow thank you.
Yes I work Monday-friday, just want to get on with some semblance of normality. Today has been the longest day and it feels very surreal. I can't believe it's happened, doesn't feel real, but horrifically it isSad

OP posts: