Horrified and upset

[Baffledsosad]

I'm so upset and just don't have the first clue what to do.
Last night me and husband had my neighbour round for a drink.
We do this every couple of months and it's always a fun laughter filled evening.
Last night my husband was a bit narky about it as he'd made an arrangement for early the next day so couldn't drink due to driving early.
Things were fine, but as the evening wore on I could see him getting annoyed and he started sending me texts saying 'you're acting like an idiot' etc.
The evening went on and I thought everything was fine. He suddenly stood up at 11.15 and told my neighbour that he had to get up early so it was time to leave.
Once my neighbour had gone I started to clear up. My husband came into the room, picked up a full glass of wine and threw it in my face, this was followed my a bowl of nuts.
He then proceed to take all my framed photos off the shelf and throw them on the ground. Swiftly followed by upturning the coffee table and arm chairs.
I went into the kitchen to get away and he follows me, grabs my wrists and tries to pull me upstairs to bed. I didn't want to go with him so dug my nails into his arm, he then grabbed me round the throat, telling me I was an embarrassment.
After this he trashed the kitchen, turning the table upside down, throwing chairs about.
I finally managed to calm him down and he went to bed. I cleared the mess up and slept in the spare room.
When he got back from his outing this morning I told him in no uncertain terms that I wanted him to leave. I was done and didn't want to be with someone who treats me like that.
He's been grovelling ever since but I've held firm. He has left to stay away for the night. I know he thinks he can come back tomorrow.
I don't want him back.
What I'm worried about is paying the mortgage on this place, which he pays. He will need to rent somewhere else and budget wise I cannot see how this will be possible.
I currently work during school hours so don't earn a great deal. Would I qualify for any financial help?
I know he needs to provide for the children and he has said he will. I'm just so stressed at the thought of the financial struggle ahead.
Not sure how I'm going to be able to provide for my children.
Sorry this is so long. I'm just bewildered, scared and confused.

He intended to rape you.

Report to the Police. So sorry.

Did you take photos of the state he made your home?

You definitely need to go to the police tomorrow. This might become very important down the line to protect your children and don't say 'he'd never hurt them' because you have no idea what he's capable of. Sadly.

Be strong, you can do it.

This is chilling to read.

I can't understand why he would trash the house, be violent and despicable towards you, and then expect sex? Clearly you would not be up for that. So I can only agree with Matilda - he wanted to use sex as a means violating you more.

I'm glad you aren't taking him back. And yes, please report this to the police.

Hi Baffled, I just had to comment to also add my support and total outrage at what's happened What an absolute fucking bastard!!!

Please don't feel awkward about telling others. You need support on all fronts. Have you got close mates you can call upon and confide in?

Have you changed the locks yet? You need to protect yourself. Injunction? He needs to be kept the hell away from you, fuck apologies! What's done cannot be undone and you will always remember this.

Does he have a history of abusing you? You do right to find out the practicalities tomorrow Please come back and let us know how you get on. But in the meantime, bag his stuff and chuck it out the door! He should not be allowed to set foot inside your home again. He's burnt his bridges.

What an arsehole, your poor woman. Well done on being strong and doing the best for your kids.

Report it definitely, why should he get away with assaulting you? You did absolutely nothing wrong. To chuck wine in your face, awful, to then trash your house in a rage, to grab your throat, horrendous and what he was intending to do, well that is absolutely horrific. He needs a criminal record, and you will be glad you reported if he then turns spiteful in court, for divorce and custody.

Sending you hugs and strength.

What a terrifying ordeal. He sounds dangerous. Stand firm
www.entitledto.co.uk
Enter your projected rental costs, income etc into the calculator, at least it'll give you an idea while you wait for an appointment at citizens advice.
Good luck xx

Yes I took photos which I emailed to my dad today just to be safe.
He has never behaved like this before which is why it's such a shock.
There is no way he's coming near the children, as for telling people I will take it one day at a time. I'm so ashamed then I get annoyed at myself for feeling ashamed. I never thought IT would happen to me.
I've got the door locked on the inside, you can't unlock it from the outside when it's like this.
Once I've had a sleep I'll phone the police, right now I'm barely holding it together to act like a normal mum for my kids.
I'm overwhelmed with all the support, thank you

The shame is crippling. I've been there.

Even though you've done nothing wrong, it's still there eating away.

You are right to take it how it comes about telling people because the reality is some people are not very understanding and (for me) every time someone judged or didn't believe me it was like being punched again.

Day at a time.

Bless you. Just a horrific shock. Big cup of tea with lots of sugar. You can call 101 to speak to the police in the first instance when you are ready.

You have absolutely nothing whatsoever to feel ashamed about. This is not your fault and you don't deserve any of it.

Please do get this logged with the police. Might be worth telling your doctor too. I've read too many times on here from women a little further down the road than you who wish that they'd created that paper trail for the sake of the children's safety.

Ask to talk to the domestic violence unit and ask for their help tomorrow. Perhaps they can send support for when your husband collects his belongings?

Here here Auburn!! You so do not have anything to be ashamed about. What have you done wrong? He is the nasty bastard that should be feeling ashamed! He has done everything wrong.

It's a shame you can't call a close friend/family member to be with you right now. You could do with some moral/emotional support.

But I appreciate you know how you want to handle things and at least the house is secure and he can't gain access.

I guess I can understand how, the fact he's never behaved this way before, would just compound the shock. It must've been utterly terrifying and I'm sure you feel like the situation is very surreal right now. Especially when it's the morning and you have to function normally while coming up with an explanation for the kids.

Sending you virtual support via cyber space.........xx

I never usually post - but just wanted to reach out to you, and say: don't feel ashamed, feel proud! You have handled this so well.

A friend finally 'came out' recently and said her long term partner and father of her 3 kids used to physically abuse her. And she put up with it, she said, because she felt ashamed. So I don't want to pooh-pooh you mentioning that feeling, I think it is common (I felt ashamed after my miscarriage, which is daft too...), but just acknowledge it as part of the maelstrom of emotions after a shock like this, and stick to your path.

Nothing he did was OK, and you are right to hang on to that. Doesn't matter how he tried to excuse it, how friends or family might excuse it, throwing drinks and trashing furniture is not alright, and dragging you upstairs for sex is...unhinged. You are doing all the right things.

As a previous poster said, do log this. Call 101 tomorrow and ask to report it, and also go to your GP. If you can, and it safe to be at home tomorrow, perhaps call in sick at work, and go to the police with photos, and to the GP. You must feel very wobbly, be kind to yourself, you are doing an amazing job, your children are so very lucky to have you as their mum.

You need to report to police if you don't think he is safe to have the children. It needs to be logged. Will he deny it if police talk to him ? Has he sent texts apologising ie admitting what he did ?

If it or something similar happens again don't clean up call police first.

What a terrible shock. You've done so well, though, even though you must be grappling with shock.

Its such a travesty that the victim ends up feeling ashamed. I really think that when the shock fades, anger will take over.

I'd get this reported iiwy, for all the reasons PP's have said, but also because you need to get your story in first - eg when he realises no amount of grovelling is going to work and he won't be coming back, he may get nasty and twist the story. I'm particularly thinking of the dig marks: 'she was drunk and she attacked me'
Stay strong. He may pull out all the stops/emotional blackmail but there is no way of coming back from this. No way at all, under ant circumstances.

I'm so sorry. You can do this xx

Oh you poor thing, but I am so full of admiration of how you dealt with it. And yes I know that irrational feeling of shame too.

Morning everyone, just want to say thanks for all your kind words.
I've come into work, I feel like I need to otherwise I'll be sitting in the house replaying everything with no distractions. Finishing up a bit early so I can get home before school finishes and make my phone calls. Will get it reported to the police, as somebody said I suspect he will use the scratches on his arm as evidence I attacked him. During the awful episode he kept saying 'you're so drunk, look at you'
Not that it's important but I'd had 3 glasses of wine, so yes merry and giggly but certainly not out of control. And I can remember every single detail. I've written it all down in an email and sent it to myself so I've got a record of it, just in case I forget details with time. I'm sure I won't ever forget it.
He has not been in touch, I sent him a text telling him that I do not want him home. I've not had a reply.
My brother is going to come and be in with me when he comes to collect his things.
I still haven't told my family about the violence towards me, just can't right now.
Anyway that was a long winded way of me saying I really appreciate all the support.

You need to report the assault, not least because I understand that you only get legal aid for divorce where there is evidence of domestic violence.
Even if you don't think you need legal aid you wouldn't want to be in a position where you need it but can't claim it as you didn't report the assault.
Stay strong and get this violent arsehole out and keep him out. You deserve better

I expect he will try to win you back with hearts and flowers.

As Oprah once said...you can buy your own flowers.

That was a nasty, vicious assault
Thank god your children stayed asleep.
Thank god you're not letting him back into your life.

Sending you hugs and strength.

I just wanted to stand behind you as a women and a mother and tell you I think you are being amazing. I am so sorry you were made to feel afraid in your own home. I hope that you never feel that way again.Well done for taking strong firm steps forward. Anything else would just lead into a slow sinking into despair. Your husband has damaged your marriage beyond repair. It can never be put back together. Don't forget that!

I don't think I've got anything helpful to add beyond all the amazing stuff people have posted here, but just wanted to come on to support you.

It's all about you and your kids being safe and happy. Ask for all the help you need, both in RL and on here.

be sure to report to police
tell one member of your family at least. they need to know.

tell your GP .

I'm glad you're reporting it to the police - if you want to be able to be in control of things like access to the children, you NEED to report it.

Having a police record will give you a huge amount more support and also the ability to take more powerful action to keep him out and keep your children safe.

If you think he will say you were drunk - the best thing to do would be to ask your neighbour to vouch that you were not. I know you might not want to do that - but it would be for the best. You don't have to go into any more gory details than his trashing the house - but you could ask that if the police wanted to speak to the neighbour, would they be happy to confirm that you were not drunk and incapable, or any other excuse he will try and give - I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to say you were the one trashing the house, for example.

DO NOT EVER TAKE HIM BACK.

He grabbed you by the throat, tried to force sex on you, and doesn't even have the 'excuse' of being drunk. No, it was all cold deliberate violence.

I've been thinking about you OP, are you ok? X

Thank you syd
I've been better but got through today.
I've spoke to the police today and have arranged to go in and speak to them on Wednesday and file a report.
Still not feeling up to telling my family and friends about the violence, I'm hoping as more time goes on I'll stop feeling so numb.
I've not heard anything from my husband, my brother is going to change the lock on the front door tomorrow.
Just trying to keep life as normal as possible for my children.
All the words of encouragement have really helped me when I started to question myself.

How are things OP?