Just letting off steam...same old, same old

[CostaRicanBananas]

Where do I start?

I feel threatened by DP's ex-wife. No particular reason other than:

• they are in constant contact (and based on past evidence, mindless chit-chat so not all about the children)
• they spend every other weekend together and although he now says that he stays with a friend, he initially lied about the fact that he was actually staying at his old family home
• he didn't tell her about our engagement until she accidentally found out
• he is still 'hit or miss' about telling me about arrangements (like only telling me at the very last minute that he's driving over a night earlier)

So every other week, I go through this horribly depressing cycle of jealously and insecurity which is eating me up. 2 years have gone by, he seems ever so keen to marry me, but that part of his life is still leading to huge arguments.

I find it incredibly hard to think clearly... I've been to where they live on a couple of occasions and they've come down a few times... Do you ever feel like your DP's ex is always there somehow, hovering in the background? And she's so accommodating! Last year, DP had arranged to go up on Valentine's Day evening and had lied that he was staying with his friend. It turned out that (his version of events) his friend couldn't put him up so he has asked ex if he could stay with her. He changed his mind, we went out and she was texting him at 1am to check whether he was still making his way there. No angry words, nothing. Honestly, if that had been me I would have been absolutely livid that he hadn't had the courtesy to let me know that he wasn't coming. So there is the lying from his end and the ever-so-accommodating & let's stay close to all the relatives etc from her end - why have I chosen to be in the middle of this? Or am I seeing a middle where there isn't one??

In an ideal world, our focus should be on all the great things that we have to look forward to, this should be a fantastic year for us! However, here I am wondering whether I am biting more than I can chew and if he's actually given her the dates when we are going away for our wedding abroad...you know, now that we've spent £££ on flights and accommodation for his DC too. I am debating whether to give him a nudge (seeing that he is truly bad with organising things far in advance) but potentially a) be told a lie that ex has got the dates when she hasn't, b) be told the he hasn't said anything which will lead to "why??"; or just leave it and see what happens. If they can't come because she's taking them on holidays then we will have an argument over DP not telling her later on rather than now. Why am I marrying into this? The more I write, the more crazy it sounds, no matter how in love we may be!!

OP, you'll find that any man here is presumed guilty until proven innocent! It's sad, but a symptom of the very deep hurt many posters feel. If you say your DP seemed a bit preoccupied and quiet last night, he will not be going down with a cold, but planning a treacherous liaison with half the women in your street, and you will be advised to LTB with immediate effect . It's a bit of a shame, because it leads to a slightly ridiculous lack of calibration. There are some cases on this board where you want to scream at the poster 'Get out, you are in danger, mentally and physically!' and that advice gets watered down because it's also applied to cases like this, where it's frankly far from clear that there is any infidelity going on.

Anyway, from what you've said, he sounds like a good guy who has invented a terrible solution to a problem!! He's basically compartmentalised his life to cope with competing pressures. I don't think this means he's a cheat, but he does need to change and stop lying to you. However, I think that change is doable - but it's about him trusting your reactions to a greater extent than he currently does. It will take work to undo a habit of concealing things, but what relationship doesn't take some work, in some direction or other?

Frankly, I think it's heartening to hear of two pretty kickass women (OP and the exW) getting on with parenting and running modern, complicated relationships in such a sane way.

shovetheholly have you READ the OP's posts?

One thing you can know 100% OP, is you can't fix this by yourself. You can only have a shot at that together. Do you think he can change all his previous behaviour and work with you to create a lie free future based on trust & honesty?

I have read the posts on this thread, and I think this sounds like a situation that is very much like the ones we often get about DHs not dealing with a conflict between PIL and DW. You often hear descriptions of these men running around like blue-arsed flies, burying their heads in the sand or making stupid decisions with the impossible aim of keeping everyone happy, rather than confronting the inevitable but manageable conflicts that arise between different parties.

This sounds similar to me, but with an exW rather than PIL.

My opinion from this board is that there are a LOT of men who find conflict extremely difficult to deal with, and a lot of women getting frustrated about it!

No delicious, he's only lying because she's so paranoid.

And she wouldn't be paranoid if he hadn't started this whole relationship by lying about where he was staying.

I was being ironic . Hence my comment about confusing cause and effect

It's NOT that's he's lying because she's paranoid . She's suspicious because he's lying

Well OP if you marry him let this nonsense about his ex wife go. Assume you are being paranoid and crazy, then get counselling to address it for everyone's sake.

You've chosen to ignore my questions about him sulking over you having had sexual partners before, and him taking money off you.

If you present this one issue you'll get plenty of people saying you're just being paranoid.

If you look at your other worries, he's a shit.