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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just letting off steam...same old, same old

82 replies

CostaRicanBananas · 07/02/2015 11:52

Where do I start?

I feel threatened by DP's ex-wife. No particular reason other than:

they are in constant contact (and based on past evidence, mindless chit-chat so not all about the children)
they spend every other weekend together and although he now says that he stays with a friend, he initially lied about the fact that he was actually staying at his old family home
he didn't tell her about our engagement until she accidentally found out
he is still 'hit or miss' about telling me about arrangements (like only telling me at the very last minute that he's driving over a night earlier)

So every other week, I go through this horribly depressing cycle of jealously and insecurity which is eating me up. 2 years have gone by, he seems ever so keen to marry me, but that part of his life is still leading to huge arguments.

I find it incredibly hard to think clearly... I've been to where they live on a couple of occasions and they've come down a few times... Do you ever feel like your DP's ex is always there somehow, hovering in the background? And she's so accommodating! Last year, DP had arranged to go up on Valentine's Day evening and had lied that he was staying with his friend. It turned out that (his version of events) his friend couldn't put him up so he has asked ex if he could stay with her. He changed his mind, we went out and she was texting him at 1am to check whether he was still making his way there. No angry words, nothing. Honestly, if that had been me I would have been absolutely livid that he hadn't had the courtesy to let me know that he wasn't coming. So there is the lying from his end and the ever-so-accommodating & let's stay close to all the relatives etc from her end - why have I chosen to be in the middle of this? Or am I seeing a middle where there isn't one??

In an ideal world, our focus should be on all the great things that we have to look forward to, this should be a fantastic year for us! However, here I am wondering whether I am biting more than I can chew and if he's actually given her the dates when we are going away for our wedding abroad...you know, now that we've spent £££ on flights and accommodation for his DC too. I am debating whether to give him a nudge (seeing that he is truly bad with organising things far in advance) but potentially a) be told a lie that ex has got the dates when she hasn't, b) be told the he hasn't said anything which will lead to "why??"; or just leave it and see what happens. If they can't come because she's taking them on holidays then we will have an argument over DP not telling her later on rather than now. Why am I marrying into this? The more I write, the more crazy it sounds, no matter how in love we may be!!

OP posts:

Jengnr · 08/02/2015 07:03

Why does he go to hers to have the kids? Why don't they come to you?

bitbybitbybit · 08/02/2015 07:19

It's okay to let go hun. Don't worry about the wedding plans being cancelled or people asking questions...

You're trying to save you from a very difficult life living in another womans shadow. You can go now with yiur head up high or wait 6 to 8 years n drag your innocent children (as well as your hzad full of greys) through it all.

Breathe and accept it's what is best for you xxx

bitbybitbybit · 08/02/2015 07:30

Ocelot a lot of truth in what you said (ie assumptions)....
BUT im sorry "why would you leave someone u love? n u might only find someone with the same issues anyways.. " is not too hood advice. You just jumped to conclusions as to what are her chances of having a happier life. if anything OP you will enjoy your own company for a while n get stronger. You will be more likely not to enter a relationship where you dont feel you can trust next time.
xx

NickiFury · 08/02/2015 07:40

I don't agree at all that he is/was definitely shagging his ex wife. Ex H and I used to spend a lot of time together, even holidayed together. We were never shagging. It was just better for the dc. I think it can be quite difficult sometimes to let go of that family dynamic as parents, you can still want THAT but not the other adult.

More likely to me that he just wants things to carry on as before and can't be arsed with The Awkward Conversations so just don't bother and hopes he won't be found out. I don't think your situation is something I could live with OP, he's creating massive amounts of stress for you isn't he? Everyone else seems to be happy with the status quo so I think I would probably leave them to it. I do not think you're wrong for feeling as you do though, not at all.

NickiFury · 08/02/2015 07:41

Doesn't bother

Original poster

CostaRicanBananas · 08/02/2015 08:10

NickiFury there are so many questions to which I have no answer. He was looking after the children last night while she was out. Did he sleep there or did he go to his friend once she got back? I don't know as he didn't mention it (and if he didn't mention it, it probably means that he stayed at her house). From a practical point of view, there is a guest room and it makes sense rather than making your way out at whatever time in the night. From my point of view? I was very ill-prepared for the complications of it all. Situations such as this one didn't cross my mind, and therefore I never asked myself how I would feel about them. Right now, I can't envisage another 8 years of this - I am already dreading the next round in a couple of weeks.

I don't know what the answer. They live about 3 hours away (in good traffic), so it's hard on whoever travels. DP going up and spending every other weekend there is the most practical solution overall, and although he has mentioned them coming down instead this never really took off - they've been down on a handful of occasions but nothing regular. DP has mentioned us going up together again but I am obviously excluded from when there are birthday arrangements (such as in a couple of weeks). This sounds horrible, doesn't it? It sounds like I am a right doormat, just going along with whatever is thrown at me. One poster mentioned at the start that the boundaries have already been set, and when I compare DP's suggestions vs what has actually happened, that's exactly what I see.

OP posts:

Bakeoffcakes · 08/02/2015 08:14

He lies and is horribly inconsiderate, not only to you but to his ex. (You said he was meant to go to her house but she messaged him at 1am to ask where he was.) also he "forgot" to mention his dc's birthdays to you- wtf?
It doesn't matter that other people seem to like him, they aren't marrying him, he's just not a very nice person. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that?
I'd also be interested to know why he split from his wife?

NickiFury · 08/02/2015 08:23

I don't think you sound like a doormat at all. I think he has just expected you to go along with it and most people do want to be accommodating and not create problems especially when they love someone and that's all you've done.

I don't think it sounds at all like they're sleeping together but I do think that he is putting his wish for things not to change particularly with his ex and the family dynamic before your feelings. He actually sounds lazy more than anything. I can't see this changing tbh, I think he will just tell you less and less and you will feel more and more insecure .

Original poster

CostaRicanBananas · 08/02/2015 08:30

Yes, I only heard about it when I first met his DC and they mentioned that they had just had their birthdays.

His version is the it wasn't working out and they broke up and tried again a few times, although he did admit that there was somebody else involved but during one of the breaks as opposed to while they were together. Her version is that he cheated on her when she was pregnant with their second child. All I know for sure is that shortly after, he quickly moved on to a woman 10 years younger and moved away from where the children live and that the ex, in spite of his (alleged) infidelity, has been very accommodating including putting his eldest son up for a couple of years. What I am trying to say here is that I've taken her version with a pinch of salt on the basis that I couldn't imagine myself being that nice to somebody, even for the sake of the children, if somebody had done that to me - but maybe she's simply a much better person than me.

OP posts:

Rebecca2014 · 08/02/2015 08:33

He sounds like a total twat based on your last post, and yes women can be that nice just so their children have a good relationship with their father.

If you are over someone, you are not going dwell on the past are you?

I say he is a natural liar and you got your hands full with him, good luck because I have a feeling you are going need it.

NickiFury · 08/02/2015 08:35

But you're already being very accommodating aren't you? A bit like her. Sounds quite a lot like the women involved are all dancing round this "catch" of a man .

I'm sorry but what you said in your last post I think he sounds horrible.

Bakeoffcakes · 08/02/2015 08:35

His version is that "it wasn't working out". Well if that's all he can come up with I'd believe his wife. You don't end a marriage with children because it's "not working out". That sounds more like the description of stopping your gym membership or cancelling a night out with friends.

I think he's lying again.

Bakeoffcakes · 08/02/2015 08:39

And I agree with Nicki, he has two women in his life who are kind, loving people. And he is taking huge advantage of both of them.

As an aside, when my parents divorced, (because my mum was not a nice person, in any way) I lived with my dad. He welcomed my mum's son from her next marriage into out home for many many years. He was treated like one of the family.

Original poster

CostaRicanBananas · 08/02/2015 08:40

NickiFury Yes, and it's eating me up because I could not see him doing the same. I've said so to him before that if roles were reversed, he most likely wouldn't even have considered a relationship.

No, tbh, he did say that they had very different views on various things (including children).

OP posts:

SensationalGirl · 08/02/2015 08:44

He lies to you and he lies to her. Why? Who knows. Perhaps he is one of those people who think they are so freakin important you need to be protected from his important, complicated life. His 'women' love him sooo much that they can't handle the truth.

Why not strike up a friendship with the ex? Find out if what she says and he says matches. I'd be inclined to believe her.

Original poster

CostaRicanBananas · 08/02/2015 08:48

Bake I am not saying that there is something necessarily wrong with it but if you've got your ex staying with you every other weekend and his DS living under your roof, how does that allow you to move on? to have a new relationship? you can hardly complain about being single! it's hard enough to come across somebody (genuinely ) nice when your life is relatively simple...

OP posts:

MadderPink · 08/02/2015 08:53

Agree with others, this man is a consistent liar and someone who lets people down. It doesn't necessarily mean he is still shagging her - just that whatever is going on he just tells women what he thinks they want to hear, or leaves them in the dark, instead of taking responsibility and being honest. And like you said, it's exhausting.

All your posts make me think your instinct is telling you very loudly to rethink this, and I think you should trust your instinct. No wonder you're worrying what's going on when you know from lots of previous experience that you can't trust anything he tells you. Yes, some people have an unhealthy distrust of / jealousy of the ex-wife but in your case he's given you reason to think you're being lied to - he has lied to you, lots of times. I don't think you feeling insecure is because you have trust issues - it's the situation.

Bakeoffcakes · 08/02/2015 08:53

Stop thinking about his ex and her reasoning. Think about him and his behaviour.

He lies, keeps important things from you and is inconsiderate. Do you want to marry someone like that?

Rebecca2014 · 08/02/2015 08:59

How is it any of your business if his ex chooses to be single? Your partner is the problem here, not his ex.

Joysmum · 08/02/2015 09:01

I wouldn't sutomatically say he's shagging her, but hes a proven liar who lies, or lies by omission, to get what he wants because that's more important than the feelings of people he claims to love.

I don't do liars and for that reason I'd tell him I was out. You can't trust someone who is untrustworthy, that's enough.

Original poster

CostaRicanBananas · 08/02/2015 09:08

What I was hoping to gain from my post was an understanding of what is deemed reasonable (or whether I am being unreasonable) and is down to my insecurities. Any reference to the ex's preferences were simply in response to other posts.

Maybe I am just trying to divert blame from his poor choices / behaviour to her on the basis that if she wasn't so accommodating we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. I can see it and I am sure I am not the first one to do that. I don't actually care what she does or doesn't because at the end of the day, it takes two. But I've put myself in a really difficult situation here and I am trying my best to work out what to do, based on good judgement and sensible decision-making.

OP posts:

Rebecca2014 · 08/02/2015 09:19

Have you even talked to him about this? what does he say?

bitbybitbybit · 08/02/2015 09:22

i think you know wyat is best to do and even when ppl have advised for you to do it you came back with more questions. I think you're not ready to see things for what they are
Good luck

DeliciousMonster · 08/02/2015 09:31

Ignoring any sleeping arrangements with the ex:

Why would you marry someone that you don't even know? Or think you know? Or that you know won't even let you know?

Original poster

CostaRicanBananas · 08/02/2015 09:34

Yes, I have. We've talked and argued time and time again. From my end, I have explained that I need to understand / know what's going on and that he is obviously welcome to tell me off if he thought I was being unreasonable about something.

At the start, he seemed genuinely mystified by my feelings. According to him, there was nothing sinister about his arrangements. Sure enough, he took me up there, introduced me to the friend he stays with, the ex and showed me around. However, if someone normally chit-chats to you about their day (like couples do) but the other person suddenly clams up when you ask something as simple as "what are you doing with the DC this afternoon?" then you start to thing that something is wrong. I have tried my best to put myself in his shoes. If I had been dating someone for a little while, would I worry about telling them that I had sat down for Sunday lunch with my ex and children? I think I would have thought long and hard before disclosing that. I personally would be too worried about what the other person would make of it; and a lot of the times when he's got it spectacularly wrong was because he was worried about what I would make of the situation - obviously, not with the DC's birthdays though...

OP posts:

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