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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Confronting Jekyll and Hyde DH

71 replies

molehillormountain · 07/02/2015 09:18

Hi all, this follows on from my previous Jekyll and Hyde thread-not sure how to link. Wanted to let you all know that last night we had The conversation about how he thought i did not want to be with him anymore. He said this because he tried to initiate sex but I was not interested having just driven a 2 hour round trip and arriving home late.

He asked if it was true that I just didn't want to be with him anymore, I said yes at times I have had enough as I can no longer cope with his inconsistent behaviour towards me. He justified it by saying he is frustrated and lost because he wants to move abroad and i keep changing my mind. I explained the reason I change my mind is due to his angry outbursts and that I don't feel safe going with him when he could behave totally the same and i would not be able to leave as easily. I said I didn't know who he was anymore-his mood always dictates the weekend. I told him the reason I seemed 'cold' as he put it was because he made me detach from him due to being mean at times. He got cross and called me a baby (because i said the word 'mean' presumably) and everyone has fights. He asked exasperated if I don't want to move abroad what do I want to do with the rest of my life? I said I can't answer such a big question and he said I was like a politician, always dodging his questions. I told him I felt I didn't have a voice in our relationship as he stonewalls me. The fact he called me a baby after I tried to confront his behaviour further highlighted this.

His thoughts were as follows - why was I still there if he was such an arsehole?; he said he gets frustrated because I never help with anything (although when I gave examples he retracted), but above all gets irritable because he does not see his future in this country.

He went to the spare room and then shortly after got back into bed with me and said he was sorry I was upset. And asked if i would have moved abroad had he not been frustrated and I said i might have.

He said we haven't really been together for a while now and he wanted to be. I said time will tell. This morning I have given his breakfast in bed and he has not emerged yet so can't gauge the mood. What are your thoughts?

OP posts:

Whereisegg · 07/02/2015 09:22

He's sorry you're upset, not sorry about anything he's done.

Handywoman · 07/02/2015 09:35

You and he have still not got to the crux of the issue. All this talk revolves around moving abroad... There is a big elephant in the room: his attitude towards you. He has not recognised of taken responsibility for that (and isn't likely to). All talk of emigrating should be OFF the table until your relationship is properly addressed.

Well done for having A conversation. I noticed he initiated it, and you are appeasing him again with the breakfast in bed. Your relationship still sounds unhealthy and you still need to find your voice in it.

Handywoman · 07/02/2015 09:36

If you are 'still trying to gauge the mood' you've achieved nothing. Sorry.

Handywoman · 07/02/2015 09:38

He did ask a very good question: why are you with him if he's such an arsehole?

I think you do need to ponder this.

Nolim · 07/02/2015 09:41

Couples counseling? Obviously you two are in different places.

Original poster

molehillormountain · 07/02/2015 09:43

Handy woman-it is because he is not always an arsehole, and I hold into the good times. You are right, we have not resolved the conflict. The conflict will only be resolved if one of us backs down and there isn't much chance of that.

OP posts:

Handywoman · 07/02/2015 09:53

Nobody has to back down, far from it, you need to show him that you have boundaries such as being respected and heard as a person.

You sound like you feel you've 'achieved' something here just by talking to him. OP you sound afraid if him, frankly.

And 'conflict'? It doesn't sound that day-to-day there is any conflict, only him taking things out on you and you 'walking on eggshells'.

I think your relationship would be better if there were more conflict.

Original poster

molehillormountain · 07/02/2015 10:13

Handy woman - I don't feel I have achieved anything, this thread is more of a sequel to previous thread.

Posting for support and advice on my next steps in event neither of us will agree.

OP posts:

Handywoman · 07/02/2015 10:29

Well your next steps are to decide what you will and won't find acceptable from now on. But I suspect his behaviour is symptomatic of a deeper malaise. It may be that you have to think about leaving, I think you should speak to a counsellor to work through this, because you aren't ready for that by the sounds of it.

What are you going to do when he gets up?

Original poster

molehillormountain · 07/02/2015 10:36

I have already been to see a counsellor Handywoman.

DH is up now and is tidying. And very quiet. It is impossible to discuss anything with DS around. We will have to discuss in more detail tonight. It is a good thing the can has been opened.

Thank you for your support.

OP posts:

AuntieStella · 07/02/2015 10:39

Even if you cannot respond to him when he asks, are you able to tell us what you see for the rest of your life?

Because it struck me that he asked a good question there. And if you've lost yourself so badly that you cannot answer at all (because I don't mean a precise life plan, just the big picture indicators of the the things you'd like in it), then the first step I think has to be getting that back.

Original poster

molehillormountain · 07/02/2015 10:51

I would like the life I have now auntiestella. I have wonderful friends and family. It is important to me that I spend time with them and our kids grow up together. I love my job, part time jobs are hard to come by and I don't want to lose it. I am content to use the UK as a base to branch off and do exciting things like holidays, trekking etc as opposed to going to other side of world to have it but not the people I love. I want a house of my own so I feel secure-everything we have is owned by DH which means I don't feel equal and this makes me feel vulnerable. I am saving slowly for a deposit. I would also like a cat! To be honest, I don't need a lot in my life to be happy-I like my life! DH makes me feel ashamed of this and aspires for more. I also would like a DH who is grateful and content with just being with me and DS.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 07/02/2015 11:07

He aspires for more and wants to emigrate because he believes incorrectly these things will make him happy. He's a fundamentally unhappy, angry, aggressive person and the only thing that will change that is self-analysis and self-awareness.

You always take the weather with you, as the saying goes. Changing country won't change a thing within him, he will be exactly the same the other side of the world but you will have no support network and be forced into each other's pockets more.

If a relationship is 60% ok and 40% shit, it's the 40% shit that defines the relationship.

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 07/02/2015 11:10

I agree with Auntie You'll get nowhere until you know what you want from your life.

If that life plan depends on other people being different then it not a plan it is a dream.

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 07/02/2015 11:12

x-post.

Sounds like you have already realised the only part of your ideal life that doesn't work is him.

Why doesn't he go and work overseas on his own?

Original poster

molehillormountain · 07/02/2015 11:17

He won't leave our son

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 07/02/2015 12:52

I haven't read your other thread but: this emigration business. Does he actually have a job lined up in the country he wants to move to? Does he have the relevant work permits? Or is it his home country? Because quite a lot depends on whether it's a pipe dream or not: if he just fancies a 'better life' in a country that doesn't actually need a person with his job skills or which has tight controls on migrants then you could end up broke at the other end of the world...

Nolim · 07/02/2015 13:04

Agree with gold. Does he want to move because he has a goal or is he just trying to escape from here without a plan?

Original poster

molehillormountain · 07/02/2015 13:07

We have the relevant visas so it's not a pipe dream. He is fed up of living in the village he grew up in and wants more for us. He wants sunshine, beaches, outdoor pursuits he can enjoy in a warm climate.

OP posts:

antimatter · 07/02/2015 14:28

I think he wants more for him not necessarily for your family.
You are very happy where you are.
How about your son?

Original poster

molehillormountain · 07/02/2015 14:36

Yes you are right. Although he uses DS as an excuse to justify going, saying we will offer him a better future. DS is only 3 and very close to both sets of grandparents.

OP posts:

antimatter · 07/02/2015 15:04

I have no idea where he wants to emigrate. On Telly Addicts section on MN there's very interesting thread about "Wanted down under" and how viewers very quickly spot when families are trying to escape their problems by moving away whilst in reality they are going to take those problems with them.

If he feels unfulfilled and unhappy new address won't resolve those deeply rooted issues he has. It takes time to realise that really each of us has to face our issues and work on them.
Using others, emigration, drugs or anything like that with the hope that this "medicine" is going to cure them is foolish.

When I read you saying - DH makes me feel ashamed of this and aspires for more. I felt he is very manipulative.
If you go separate ways you will still be happy and he will still be looking for the missing part in his life.

If you are married you will be entitled to (I think) half of the assets you both own. What makes you think you won't?

Nolim · 07/02/2015 15:23

Do not go unless he gets help for his temper. He says that he is angry because you wont go. It seems that you two are at a stalemate. Please talk to a councellor.

Original poster

molehillormountain · 07/02/2015 15:53

Antimatter - it is Australia where he would like to live. We have watched those Wanted Down Under programs and he joked that if he went on the programme, he would be waving from the sea when they called him to vote.

OP posts:

Nolim · 07/02/2015 16:00

Professional help could help you to identify and discuss hidden agendas. For instance has he been planning to emigrate for 3 years hoping that you would tag along? Have you expected for him to change his mind without explaining your objections?

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